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The Twelve Worst Movies of 2012

By Amanda Mae Meyncke | Guides | January 8, 2013 | Comments ()


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"He doesn't have anyone to talk to. He spends all day with the trees and animals. This is what happens when you live too far away from franchised coffee outlets." - Peep Show

I spent the last hour looking at a website called Harriet Carter, which my friend Abigail informs me was a kind of SkyMall before there was SkyMall. The main item that caught my attention was this, a small notebook in which you're instructed to write down your Internet passwords and logins. People in the myriad reviews are quite glowing, praising the notebook for being compact, easy to carry and for replacing countless little strips of paper. Easy to carry? I should hope so, it's a tiny notebook. Scraps of paper? What the. Many people bought more than one, distributing them to friends and family. Everything is the worst, but this is one of the most simultaneously upsetting and ridiculous things I've ever seen. Closing my eyes tonight, I'll be reminded of the words of "KcScamp" from Texas, "I plan on having my info listed in categories...such as Q--for quilting website info, B--for bill paying F--fun websites" and those of "Cinny" from Texas, "Keeping tract of valuable information, in a very private way." Yes, yes you are.

Things like this, and seeing that video of the woman on the subway who had no idea who Jay-Z was remind me that the life I lead is a precarious one, my tenuous understandings of commonality and social norms perhaps unfathomable by dear KcScamp and the other sorts of people who buy a logbook to jot down every important password and login. How very much I should like to meet Cinny, to ask her (him?) questions about his life and the sorts of other things he (she?) likes. Well, besides quilting, bill paying and fun websites.

One of the best things about being a critic and seeing so many movies is that you're able to almost instantaneously decide if something is terrible and whether you'll be seeing it, often from the font on the poster. I see that Papyrus and I avert my eyes, quickly. But I jest, you need to see at least one minute of the trailer before making up your mind! I find I'm almost never wrong (except in the case of Ruby Sparks, which I expected to hate and instead, was rapturously in love with and disappointed I wasn't set to review it). Anyway, your ability to suss out what's terrible is honed and sharpened like a horrible pokey knife which keeps jabbing into you every day, all day long. Suffice it to say, I avoided most blatantly terrible movies like the plague. These here on this list are the terrible ones masquerading as acceptable. Snakes in the grass, Bible salesmen here to steal your wooden leg, unexpectedly.

Everything is the worst. Everything is a nightmare. I'm going to write this down on scraps of paper and distribute it that way.

Wanderlust

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This movie shouldn't have been as big of a disgusting nightmare as it was, but unfortunately, the jokes weren't funny, the performances were regrettable and most of the situations would have been deemed implausible and written out of a particularly bad episode of Mike & Molly. Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd have to pay the bills, I get that, and director David Wain is usually at least closer to the target, but this one is off the range, busily digging a shallow hole and wallowing in its own filth. Avoid.

American Reunion

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This movie broke my spirit in a way that I didn't know was possible, setting new standards of terribleness that can only be met and exceeded by more American Pie sequels. From just embarrassingly improbably scenarios that stretch the limits of the human imagination, begging you to consider outlandish and disgusting behavior as not only possible but likely, to weak ass performances. Everyone looks tired. Thrilled to be in a movie that actual humans will see, yes, but beneath the thin veneer is the sadness. Close your eyes and even now you can see the haunted looks on the faces of everyone involved, their mouths moving creepily as they whisper inaudibly for forgiveness.

Damsels in Distress

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I can't even tell you how mad this movie made me. Rage filled is probably the only way to describe how annoying and poorly made I feel this film to be, with stunted, abused, malformed dialogue and acting that would make the 2 Broke Girls cringe. The plot is insipid, the mechanics of the film are hacky and you know somethings is bad when your brain is churning, churning away and comes up with "Well, the editing wasn't too bad." Whit Stillman conned us out of our hard-earned pennies, kids, and we took it sitting down, watching a madcap crew dance the Sambola. The only other movie that disappointed me as much was "Rock of Ages."

Rock of Ages

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After I got out of this movie I was in the worst mood, seething, really. I railed against it in the car, about what a waste of time it was, what a waste of money and how stupid, stupid, stupid it was in every single way. All the performances were bad, the music was annoying, it was smug and self-satisfied and terribly overwrought and awful. My boyfriend at the time got tired of hearing me snarlingly rip it apart and told me he didn't think it was "that bad," which, I mean, he might as well have spit in his hand and wiped it all over my face. A lengthy speech was made, by me, en route to a party, phrases such as "destroying the fabric of America" and "you just can't trust anyone" were bandied about. At the party someone took one look at me and said "What're you so angry about? You look like a big angry baby." Some days later I interviewed the director and asked him catty questions comparing the film to Godard and asking why he thought this was "an important story to tell NOW," which is as close as I come to being outright mean, it turns out.

The Three Stooges

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Bobby Farrelly was perhaps one of the nicest men I've interviewed, a straight up class act, and I, being the lily livered half-human excuse for a journalist that I am, didn't press him with any hard questions. We talked about Jaws and production woes and I kept my seething hatred of this movie to myself. I have to admit that I've not even sat through the entire thing, but fast forwarded five minutes at a time, checking in with what was happening. The world has moved past the Stooges, long ago trading in our love of people getting hit in the face with a hammer for our equally deep love of writing mean comments on Internet articles, which we imagine is much the same thing.

Battleship

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Poor Taylor Kitsch. Two big blockbusters was just too heavy for your slender, muscular shoulders. But man does not bomb alone, and everyone else in this one, from Liam "Payday Is Nigh" Neeson to Alexander "You Look Weird With Your Clothes On, Trueblood Man" Skarsgaard is hoping that everyone else sucks more than they do. Hiding in plain sight. The special effects weren't silly but the ra-ra America montage of old guys coming to man the Battleship and save the day was, well, hilarious. The best is when the military begins to play a real life game of Battleship. And it really looks like Battleship, and you're sitting there watching someone else play a board game. Hopefully when they do Monopoly it has sort of a Werner Herzogian flair to it, 4 hours of documentary footage of one single game with a disheartening voice over that explores the dark heart of man and the lure of capitalism.

Oh man, and Rihanna was in this one and I remember reading an article where someone kind of intimated they just hired her because she had a lot of Twitter followers who would go see the movie if she tweeted about it. Hope that worked out okay.

Snow White and the Huntsman

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Every moment that isn't Queen Charlize Theron is excruciating and terrible. I felt so sure this was the one that K-Stew would be found out in. That everyone would watch her lazy-eyed lackluster performance and realize that we'd been duped. But no, sequels were planned, marriages were ruined and everyone took another bite of the apple and fell into a deep Stewarty slumber.

Ted

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Oh the diatribe I could write about the portrayal of women in this film. The central problem the main character has with his girlfriend is that she wants him to stop hanging out SO MUCH with his drug addicted best friend who brings out the worst in him. She is a super cool girl in every other respect who puts up with kind of a lot of shit because she's in love or something. In the end, she walks into the apartment and says that she doesn't care anymore, that SHE CHANGED and everyone can do whatever they want. Oh! If only all arguments about reaching our full potential and not being best friends with drug addicts went so well! How nice for him that "the problem" resolved itself with no difficult examination of self or consideration of others! This sort of depiction of women as semi-sentient beings who are at their best when they're totally compliant is disturbing. As I sat in the dark of the theater, surrounding by hundreds of hysterically laughing men, I felt panic rising. I wanted to do a poll, figure out if they knew they were laughing and cheering for the opposite of love, the opposite of progress or humanity or real, truthful relationship. It's just a movie, sure, but there's a certain kind of tribalism that surrounds the film, a kind of gregarious boys' club that gives one pause.

Admittedly, there was a pretty sweet Norah Jones cameo in this movie.

Arbitrage

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Poor little rich boy. I can't think of a worse time for a movie to be released about the million dollar difficulties faced by billionaires, but hey, what do I know. Also trying to cover up an accidental death while also defrauding your company? Tsk tsk, I'll be sure to work on feeling sorry for you sometime in the next century. In other news, Brit Marling's in this movie and she's absolutely aces, so, I guess it's not that bad. Man though, I'm just remembering all the lengthy shots of Manhattan from inside a town car with jazzy jazz jazz playing over it. What a wreck.

Perks of Being a Walflower

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No.

Nobody Walks

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Self involved, pathetic and whiny, indulgent, lazy, horrific filmmaking. A tale of an artist who is visiting Los Angeles and makes some art that involves filming bugs and making noises, and then she gets involved with the dad of the family she's staying with and oh god it's all so Modern and Fresh and This Must Be How People Actually Are except no, no one is Actually Like That and if They Are, well, they deserve every horrible thing ever but we shouldn't Reward Them by making a movie about them. Seriously, I'm having trouble thinking of an amount of money someone could pay me to watch this movie again. (Over 500, probably, I'm actually quite easy to persuade to do things when money is involved.)

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

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Hands down the worst movie I saw in 2012. Never in my life have I seen a big budget movie so contrived and convoluted and just plain frighteningly bad. Over and over I kept thinking that with just a little bit of cutting and a different score, you'd have the horror film of a lifetime on your hands. Who in the world would just accept some random kid in off the street and decide that he was their son? Desperate, crazy people. And the framing device of having the parents telling this deranged story to the adoption counselor is such a terrible narrative idea. Also the entire town is built around a pencil factory. A PENCIL FACTORY. I can take a joke as well as the next girl, but this was all presented with such a moralistic straight face that I couldn't help but want to scream, reach out and hit it. When the pencil factory almost went out of business I snarled and said "Good, let it." I hoped these people would all have to move to a real city. Hope they enjoy their life in PEN TOWN. Anyway, the only bright spot other than it being over was Rosemarie DeWitt as a bitchy, uppity sister to Jennifer Garner. You know it's bad when every time the villain says something evil you think, "Finally, a voice of reason."

Ugh. Here's to 2013, a year filled with less Internet logbooks and more joy.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Kaiser Fox

    Dear Amanda Mae Meyncke,
    Both your reviews and your writing are too heavily influenced by the impulses that your personal taste dictate. Pajiba deserves a return to its good writing when reviews were about the quality of movies and not about whether or not the reviewer thought that they squared with her/his personal experiences. Please recuse yourself from contributing to this site until you are a better writer.

  • citizen_cris

    I agree with QueeferSutherland down below.

    I don't want to say that you didn't get Arbitrage, but I'm pretty sure you didn't get Arbitrage.

  • Hey. HEY. You did a blurb about that Timothy Green movie and the overtly obvious turd, Battleship, you can give us a blurb for Perks of Being a Wallflower. Don't phone in your reviews so early on.

  • Amanda Meyncke

    I linked to my full length review.

  • OH! At 5 am, the dark red link looked like black. I was going to say.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    "... it was smug and self-satisfied and terribly overwrought and awful" pretty much describes this article.

  • TheMudshark

    I´d watch a 4 hour Werner Herzog Documentary about Monopoly.

  • The Pink Hulk

    The Perks of Being a Wallflower is in the Top 12 WORST? Honey, all your taste must be in your mouth.

  • fantastic list! (Of course I haven;t seen most of these movies, but its because I suspected they would make your "worst of list".

  • manting

    If my friend called me from a party and told me that Sam Jones was there I would leave my girlfirends work party without hesitation. I would do coke with Same Jones. Flash Gordon is the best part of Ted. Potsmoking is not "drug addicted" - I find that offensive. Movie not on the List - Looper - what a giant turd of a predictable let down that movie was. Great cast with Zero delivery

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It is possible for pot-smoking to be an addiction, even if marijuana is not a medically addictive substance.

  • Protoguy

    And yet no one calls the guy with a beer in his hand in 3 out of 4 scenes an alcoholic. Besides, I'm thinking medicinal to numb the pain of being a teddy bear with no penis. I found the blanket mature of the statement off-putting as well.

  • AudioSuede

    BTW, since we're on the topic of sexism in movies (and judging by both this list and this thread, we clearly are): Skyfall was about ten times more sexist than almost any movie on this list.

  • dagnabbit

    The whole plot of this movie revolves around M, head of MI-6. One man wants revenge on her and the other aims to protect her. M is attacked from all sides, both bureaucratically and physically. She is forced to come to terms with the ramifications of the decisions she has made over the years-- sacrificing herself and others for the supposed good of the public. She has the most compelling, complete, and human storyline of the film.

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to elaborate on this point. Please be specific and use examples in your work.

  • AudioSuede

    M is the only woman in the film who is treated well, but she's not the only woman. There are two other major characters in the film that have significance to the story and to Bond's journey and are treated with about as much humanity as a piece of furniture.

    *Spoilers Abound*

    First and most egregious is the woman Bond meets in China, the one who leads him to Silva. At first she's treated as almost a villain, but it's made very very clear that she's in fact a victim, a former child sex slave who was bought by a mad man who promised she would eventually be set free. She gets Bond the information he needs knowing it will cost her life, and even gets a steamy shower scene with the main character. The next time we see her on the island, she's tied up and Silva challenges Bond to a twisted game of William Tell with a glass of scotch on her head in place of an apple. Silva murders her in cold blood, and asks what Bond thinks. His reply? "That's a waste of good scotch." Then he proceeds to overtake and kill all of the bad guys, making it clear that he could have done so at any time and spared this woman's life.

    What does Bond do next? Does he take the woman's body in his arms? Does he tell someone to arrange a funeral for her? Does he even look in her direction for one fleeting second, giving her character any sort of consideration for all she sacrificed to help him? NOPE. It's like she never even existed.

    Later, when Bond's car is shot up (his CAR), he is so incensed that he lights tanks of gasoline on fire so he can literally BLOW UP the people that destroyed his precious machine. Bond showed more rage at the murder of his automobile than the murder of a woman he'd slept with who'd basically saved his mission.

    But that's not all! There's also the film's female agent, who *super duper spolier* is revealed at the end to be Moneypenny, the Bond franchise's trusty secretary. Throughout the film, she's constantly matching Bond toe-for-toe in terms of wit and in terms of skill. She expresses self-doubt, but still manages to save Bond's life in China by knocking out some bad guys who were poised to shoot Bond in the head. And how does Bond treat and repay this woman who has shown that she is a good enough special agent to save the life of the world's most famous spy? Why, he convinces her that she's not "cut out" for field work, and she decides she'd be happier as a secretary.

    Because apparently women can't be Bond's equals, but they can be A) Disposable pieces of meat that are less meaningful than cars, or B) Wise-cracking secretaries.

    As for M, she's treated humanly, sure, but only as a matriarch. She's basically a stand-in for Bond's mother, which isn't in itself wrong, but the film treats her the way people treat their elderly mother when they're trying to convince them to live in a retirement home. She bungles the call that gets Bond shot, and really only saves face with the help of a man, Ralph Fiennes, who is her superior and, later, her replacement. Silva even refers to her as "Mother" throughout the film! She's basically the mommy to the main two male characters, and when she's outlived her usefulness (i.e. she's no longer able to take care of her "children"), she dies, because what else does she have to live for but to take care of her kids?

    This doesn't even include the woman who berates M at the governmental hearing (the stereotypical "shrew" character).

    I thought it was an entertaining movie, and by Bond standards quite smart. But I don't even have to read into it that deeply to find its sexism deeply disturbing.

  • TheAggroCraig

    "Lily-livered" is a phrase that ought to be bandied about more often. So is "bandied about".

  • Mrcreosote

    Ahhh, the hate, it makes me stronger!

    I think this post, and the comments are a great mix of bone numbing stupidity and staggering brilliance. This is one of my favorite reads-Even the useless crap I totally disagree with.

  • sean

    I didn't think American Reunion was horrible. Just lazy and pointless. They did bring in an attractive actress to get naked. Really, it wasn't really enough to get upset about. Or think of twice. It just was.

  • PROMETHEUS. PrometheusPrometheusPROMETHEUS!

    Goddamn movie.

  • Protoguy

    Gotta agree with that.

  • TK

    Word.

  • For Reals, Yo

    Time to start a riot:
    This is my 100% honest opinion:
    I thought "That's My Boy" was much funnier than "Ted."

  • dagnabbit

    "Never in my life have I seen a big budget movie so contrived and convoluted and just plain frighteningly bad."

    Guess you skipped August Rush

  • b

    I think some of these actually ranged from middling to pretty good... And didn't Pajiba give decent reviews to a few of them too? Hrm...

  • TK

    This is Amanda's personal take on the films, not the site as a whole.

  • puppetDoug

    Okay that makes this make way more sense.

  • It's pretty much assumed that the author's opinion encompasses the whole article unless there's a — Name next to a quoted blurb.

  • b

    I figured, but usually the Top-Whatever-of-the-Year lists you guys do are by some kind of consensus, no? Maybe no. Annnnnyway.

  • TK

    The ones done by the staff as a collective will usually be written as "By The Pajiba Staff."

  • It's like when I worked at a hotel and people would ask me, "Where's the elevator?" Never mind the fact they were literally standing in front of it. Literally.

  • TK

    They're just making sure you're keeping your head on a swivel.

  • QueeferSutherland

    Arbitrage was in my top 10 for 2012. In no way were you supposed to feel sorry for the lead character. If anything, it was a timely insight into just how self-serving and duplicitous these Wall Street execs can be.

  • AudioSuede

    I noticed that criticism as well, and it's something I think I'm seeing more and more in criticisms of recent films: The notion that we have to empathize or root for or pity the protagonists of films, when many of the best movies are about people we are actively supposed to loathe. Just because someone is an awful human being doesn't mean their story fails to be compelling. In fact, often it's quite the opposite.

  • AudioSuede

    I so greatly disagree with you on Wanderlust. It wasn't the best David Wain movie by any stretch, but it had some absolutely hysterical scenes, and the cast they gathered was top-notch. Re-watching it helped me to catch a lot of smaller jokes I'd missed the first time around.

    Also, Ted was hardly Masterpiece Theater, but I found it surprisingly sweet and also uproariously funny.

  • As far as Ted goes it's a fucking flim by Seth 'motherfucking' Mcfarlane; get over it. Since when did films have to have an accurate portrayal of people? You're talking about a movie whose main star is a talking fucking teddy bear.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I sense hostility.

  • TK

    Are we really going to keep doing this? The issue isn't whether or not the film is realistic. The issue is about negative portrayals of women, ones that may be insulting or derogatory. Yes, it features a talking teddy bear. But no matter how realistic a film is (or it's portrayal of people), that doesn't suddenly absolve it of those issues, nor does it somehow make it critically bulletproof.

  • AudioSuede

    I absolutely agree with your point, TK, and would go one step further and say that a film that displaces a human relationship into a fantastical high concept like a talking teddy bear actually does so to highlight social problems by making them more recognizable to us, as we're more apt to understand simplistic character flaws in anthropomorphic bears than in humans.

    I will, however, disagree with you, TK, and say that Ted isn't decidedly sexist. There's an argument to be made that there's a lack of respect for women on the part of the main characters, but it's Mila Kunis as the strong normal character (the comedic "straight man") that brings Ted and Mark Wahlberg's character to realize their flaws, and it's their respect for her that allows them to let go of some of their bad habits in order to make the relationship something the three of them can share. Not to say there aren't other female characters who are very much caricatures, but there are as many if not more male characters that are much much worse.

  • I like how Amanda gets disrespect and "it's a fucking film," etc., and TK receives "I agree with you, TK" and "I disagree with you, TK." Please.

  • AudioSuede

    Yes, and that would be an even greater problem if I was the one who said "it's a fucking film" and was rude to Amanda, but I wasn't, that was another commenter. You'll note other comments I've made in this same thread where I specifically refer to the blog post and how I "disagree" with Amanda in the same language as I do with TK.

    Let's not paint everyone on this comment chain with the same brush.

  • LibraryChick

    My friends and I all agreed the supertoy Teddy was one of the best parts of AI. That movie taught me not to underestimate talking teddy bears when it comes to social commentary. Ted was certainly not AI.

  • TK

    Actually - and I should have made this clear - I'm NOT saying the film is sexist. I actually haven't even seen the film. I'm saying that clearly the issue is on the table, and just because "it's a seth mcfarland movie derp-dee-doo" doesn't mean it's immune to criticism or somehow invalidate any criticism or discourse.

    I have no idea whether or not it has real issues with its sexual/gender politics. I just don't like it when people try to shut down conversations that are absolutely worth having (as evidenced by your very reasoned and solid response).

  • Protoguy

    I agree that it's not above (or beneath) criticism, but just like people who complain about who got elected but didn't vote, it's a little silly. Most people seem to pick and choose what they want to harp on. If men's issues were taken seriously by anyone but men, maybe I'd complain that the portrayal of men in films and television as helpless children who merely need women to fix them and set them on the path to handsome achiever is a demeaning and horrid stereotype. But guess what? An idiot stuck between moron adolescence and responsible adulthood is more interesting and fodder for more laughs than normal nice guy and I guess guys aren't over-sensitive about how we're portrayed in fiction.

  • AudioSuede

    Ah, in that case, you and I are lined up like the four stones of the elements.

    And in the middle, you're Bruce Willis and I'm Milla Jovovich. The fifth element? That's love, baby. Love.

  • Skyler Durden is not logged in

    While I actually liked some of the films on this list, it was still an enjoyable read. I enjoy it when people stick to their convictions when ranting about things.

    I do have to say though, that if you are angered by misogyny in movies, you are barking up the wrong tree with Ted. A FAR more hateful film was This is War, wherein

    SPOILERS

    Reese Witherspoon is dating two men, but in a TWIST in the ending, it is revealed that she only slept with one of them. Because apparently in McG’s world, you can date two men and that’s cool, but if you fuck them, you are a tainted whore.

  • Muffin

    My penis is a soft little bird that cries out for attention, always wishing, always begging, doomed and sad.

  • Mrs. Julien

    TK IS MY FAVOURITE!

  • TK

    I have no idea what you're talking about.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This isn't my first time at the rodeo.

  • Ha!

  • Ooh, curse-y words! They are the salve that heals an overly chafed penis from all that masturbation.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This asshole goes to 11.

  • Steve

    Who sends a woman to review "The Three Stooges"? Seriously.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Who thinks it's a good idea to make a movie out of an outdated and childish comedy show?

  • Puddin

    I would watch a live action movie of Jem and the Holograms. But I wouldn't subject any of the male species to such a fabulous mess.

  • Untamed

    Rhetorical question, I take it...as the answer is obvious to all film audiences by now.

  • Amanda Meyncke

    Women! With their tiny hands too cramped to write truths of the human experience and lady brains too filled with grocery lists to think about deeper meaning or artistic expression, their hearts incapable of feeling anything but limited emotions. Their eyes too weak to see anything but romantic comedies and throats choked up with tears, unable to fling forth laughs. These white bread menaces have afflicted our artistic community for far too long, and I, for one, won't stand for it any longer.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'd normally get right alongside you with that, but The Three Stooges are one of those things that really fall on the gender divide. As always, I think of Futurama and the owl exterminators. (I know at least one otherwise intelligent, discerning movie-going man who very much enjoyed the Stooges movie. At least it's not misogynistic like, say, Ted.)

  • Protoguy

    I agree with you and Steve on principle but I also agree that the movie was horrible.

  • Jezzer

    I don't know ANYONE who liked that movie. I don't think it's a gender issue.

  • Nah, pieces of shit are pieces of shit, no matter who has the misfortune of finding a broken toilet.

  • puppetDoug

    But historically, women have specifically not understood the 3 Stooges. I know one girl who does, and she also happens to be a stripper, a slob, a sculptress, and finds misogynist jokes hilarious. My point being, she's a walking exception. That movie was awful, but I think it would make more sense to send a guy to see if it was a good 3 Stooges movie, which would be a bad movie that was still funny in the 3 Stooges way. Like, send a girl to see the new Katherine Heigl because we all know it's shit, but was it a good Katherine Heigl movie? Because goddammit, enjoying those, even ironically, as well as watching Hoarders all damn day, is fucking hormonal.

  • Laura

    The only thing I really enjoyed about American Reunion was that Stiffler got his revenge in the end.

  • Ted was funny, though not "Buy it on Blu Ray/DVD/Ultraviolet Combo Pack Today" funny.

    I immensely enjoyed The Three Stooges, and so did my brother. We're Stooges fans, and we found it didn't stoop to modernizing their schtick too much, but reveled in it and paid perfect tribute. Also Chris Diamatopolous as Moe and Will Sasso as Curley were amazing. I loved this movie, so who wants to fight!

  • Fearless

    Snow White fails on a lot of levels, not the least of being that Ravenna would somehow be threatened by the "fairness" of Snow White as emoted/moped by Stewart. Theron's Ravenna is orders of magnitude hotter than Snow White. Cool effects though and the dwarves made me laugh sort of.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    They made me laugh, too. In a despaired kind of way.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Can we make emoted/moped=emoped a thing? I think "emoped" should be a thing.

  • OldSchool60

    "Hopefully when they do Monopoly it has sort of a Werner Herzogian flair to it, 4 hours of documentary footage of one single game with a disheartening voice over that explores the dark heart of man and the lure of capitalism."

    Amanda, you are a genius...
    ...not Dustin level of genius, but more like 'Assistant Genius'.

  • Amanda Meyncke

    Dustin? Is that you?

  • TK

    Seriously. Just use your real name, man.

  • Sunny James Toppo

    Perks Of being A WalFlower??? how the hell was THAT bad???

  • puppetDoug

    That's what I'm screaming? WTF?! Not only was it pretty damn awesome, but this site itself gave it a stellar review. I'm confused.

  • wojtek

    THANK YOU for speaking up about "Damsels in Distress". Everyone seems to lose their shit over this film, I thought I was going crazy. So stilted, so disjointed, so horribly scored, so everything. Even my prostate cringed.

  • Groundloop

    "Ahh. He hass rolled a five, und landed on Park Place, vich also is having von, nein! Two hotels. Zadly, he has not enough cash und property to cover hiss debts. Ze banker, und hiss neighbours laff at him, und refuse to ekshtend his credit.

    Hiss game is kaput.

    He shtares into zee abyss...lost, und alone"

    Narration from a scene for Werner Herzog's forthcoming epic board game documentary, Monocalypse, coming soon to a theatre near you.

  • malechai

    I totally imagined Alexander Skaarsgard in an old-fashioned pea coat saying this. So, thanks.

  • popcultureboy

    oh thank heavens. I am no longer alone in my passionate loathing of DAMSELS IN DISTRESS. What an absolute heap of shit that film is. If I never see Greta Gerwig in anything ever again, it'll be too soon. Awful. And yet everyone I know who saw it, bar one person, thought it was cute and lovely and funny. Fuck off.

  • wojtek

    and so here we are, two damsel-haters, at the bottom of the comment heap :)

  • LibraryChick

    In my defense, I was fortunate enough never to hear of the movie until now.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    It's like you read my mind on Snow White and the Huntsmen. It's the only thing I've seen KStew in, and my mind reeled as I thought while watching -in the theater no less- "This *THIS* is KStew, boner embiggener, queen of the un-showered, destroyer of worlds? I have never been more bored by a female lead as she clearly comes from the Katie Holmes school of conflicted mouth acting. As thought Twilight were not enough of cultural torment, she had to give us this as well. Charlize and the costumes were all that piece of crap had to offer.

  • Laura

    Although I did enjoy looking at Hemsworth.

  • ERM

    "As I sat in the dark of the theater, surrounding by hundreds of
    hysterically laughing men, I felt panic rising. I wanted to do a poll,
    figure out if they knew they were laughing and cheering for the opposite
    of love, the opposite of progress or humanity or real, truthful
    relationship."

    You are my favorite reviewer now.

  • Zzzzz

    I'll second the favorite reviewer now sentiment. Just because that piece of shit film was a comedy doesn't mean that the way women are portrayed in the film isn't appalling. Bimbos, Doormats, Pushovers, and Nymphos. Cringeworthy to the end.

  • Protoguy

    And yet the film was also about shitty men doing shitty things and no one's crying about how badly they portrayed men.
    Everything doesn't have to be a fucking morality lesson. Obviously if you've got Flash Gordon doing coke and a Teddy Bear that smokes weed and hangs with hookers, we're not talking about a reality film.

    And yeah, I've met more than a couple Tami-Lynns in my lifetime. Or perhaps we should never show horrid, vapid bitches so the world can be a safer place for the fantasy worlds in our heads.

  • Robert

    Damsels in Distress just fell outside my own best of list. I gave copious bonus points for The Sambola! International Dance Craze and using tap dancing as a plot device. It's a weird film, but I kind of love it. So quotable and that cast committed no matter how ridiculous the story got.

  • It was ridiculous but I didn't mind it for reasons I can't quite explain.

  • John W

    You can almost call this list the 12 whitest films of 2012.

  • Badlands

    This is why women shouldn't be allowed to work.

  • Well this is just silly. Without your Mommy's money how else would you afford Redbull and your Brazzers membership?

  • lowercase_ryan

    I didn't see a single one of these and I absolutely have Pajiba to thank for that. I hear people bitching about bad movies they saw and I can't understand it. That's what TK is for, right?

  • Kip Hackman

    The only bad movies I see are the ones that are so bad they've somehow turned the tables and ended up at entertaining again, and that is due to avoiding the really awful stuff thanks to Pajiba, and with very careful and purposeful choices on Netflix Instant.

  • BWeaves

    Seconded!~

  • Protoguy

    And when is the world going to realize that Aniston is the filmic kiss of death?

  • jollies

    But then there is Office Space ...

  • Protoguy

    That always comes to my head too, but I think I remember it doing awful in the theaters and is pretty much a cult favorite more than a hit.

  • Protoguy

    And as Jaye says below, there is Horrible Bosses, which I liked. I would qualify it by the fact that she wasn't the headliner.

  • Protoguy

    "...what a waste of time it was, what a waste of money and how stupid, stupid, stupid it was in every single way. All the performances were bad, the music was annoying, it was smug and self-satisfied and terribly overwrought and awful."

    You've just described every hair band of the 80s.

    The problem with Ted wasn't Mila. It was the movie. The only good thing about it was Flash Gordon and even that was dumb. I do find it humorous that you're defending the girl for giving her man an ultimatum like "Your best friend or me". Horrible girl friend. Horrible person. Horrible writing.

  • Amanda Meyncke

    No, I don't approve of ultimatums mostly, I just think she gave him enormous amounts of grace and was very understanding (She was happy with him! She accepted him for who he was.) and he continually abused that trust, leading to a situation where she felt it necessary to try and jog him into understanding that he was being kept from his full potential by his continual association with a drug addicted menace. Why am I still talking about this?

  • Protoguy

    Except for the fact that she did it like 3 times. The problem had nothing to do with drugs or Ted and everything to do with his dickhead friend being a dickhead. Talking about Wahlberg here.
    And it's not the ultimatum, it's the "Your best friend or me" aspect of it. Ultimatums are fine, but one that forces someone to choose between friends and love isn't love at all. It's control. Wahlberg is a dickhead. Forcing him to dump his best friend isn't going to make him less of a dickhead, it just makes her a controlling bitch. She accepted him for who he was? Except for the part where she guilt-fucked him into changing everything about who he was.

  • e jerry powell

    You should have kicked Shankman in his baby place until all his baby parts fell off.

    Poor Analeigh Tipton. She was doing so well once she got away from Tyra, too.

  • Gordon

    "Who in the world would just accept some random kid in off the street and decide that he was their son?" MA AND PA KENT, THAT'S WHO.

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