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'Game of Thrones' and the Ballad Of Jaime Lannister

By Lord Castleton | Game of Thrones | June 2, 2016 |


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Once upon a time there was a young man named Jaime Lannister who was rich, blonde and handsome. He was also an amazing swordsman. Such an amazing swordsman, in fact, that he was recruited to guard the king himself!

Ruling: Skilled

One day, while Jaime was guarding the king, he stabbed the king in the back and killed him.

That garnered him the nickname “Kingslayer” which would usually be a badass name except in his case it was his actual job to make sure the king didn’t get slayed. So people would say it with a sneer, like “why don’t you go stab somebody else in the back, fucking Kingslayer?”

Or:

KIDS: Let’s play Starks and Lannisters! I call Robb Stark! Jed, you’re the Kingslayer.

JED: Awwww! I don’t wanna be the Kingslayer! The Kingslayer is a dick.

Ruling: Skilled Betrayer

Rather than fight it, Jaime leaned into it, and wore the Kingslayer mantle with attitude and contempt. Being nearly universally reviled didn’t bother him all that much, because he hid a far more damning secret. He and his sister had always been in love. And they showed that love through a healthy amount of doing the sex to each other.

Ruling: Incestuous, Skilled Betrayer

Together he and his rich, blonde and beautiful sister had three amazingly blonde children. It was like a fairy tale. But the children all had the last name of the gluttonous pig testicle his sister was married to.

One day, the king decided to travel to Winterfell to give his best friend a job. Jaime went along for the ride, and to, you know, bang his sister. So there he was, like usual, hiding in a tower and just plowing away, when a young boy happened to witness the incest.

So Jaime did what anyone would do: he pushed the boy out of the window to kill him. And he joked while he did it. “The things I do for love,” he sighed, then he pushed a boy out of a tower.

Ruling: Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying Murderer

It turned out that the boy didn’t die, aaaaand the boy was a Stark, and the Starks don’t take lightly to murdrin’

Ruling: Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Attempted Murderer

When the boy’s father and the king’s best friend, Ned Stark, arrives in King’s Landing, Jaime greets him outside the Small Council chamber and is a complete douchenozzle in every conceivable way.

Ruling: Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Attempted Murdering 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

He tries to goad Ned Stark into fighting him, but Ned Stark won’t do it. Then Ned Stark hears that the person he replaced may have been knocked off because he knew that the Queen’s children were not the King’s children. Jaime goes into damage control mode, rolls up on Ned and his buddy with like forty guys and stabs Ned’s buddy through the eye.

Ruling: Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Attempted Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

Keep in mind: this all happened because people had the audacity to try to prove that the King’s children weren’t the King’s children. How dare they!? And when that means Jaime will be outed, he resorts to killing people.

Ned is captured and executed. Because one of Jaime’s guards cheap-shotted him from behind.

The Starks and the Lannisters go to war, and in an epic battle, Ned’s son is victorious and Jaime is captured.

Ruling: Captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Attempted Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

To escape he murders his cousin in a cage.

Ruling: Captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Attempted Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

Aaaaaand then he gets captured again right away. Totally worth killing your cousin for eleven minutes of relative, handcuffed freedom.

Ruling: Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

Ned’s widow puts him in the control of her sworn sword, a fearsome warrior known as Brienne of Tarth. They don’t get along. But in insulting her constantly, we start to see a side of him that actually has a personality.

Ruling: Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

In one scene, he saves Brienne from being raped by a group of filthy dirtbags, and then pushes his luck by being a cock and gets his hand chopped off. His sword hand.

Ruling: Noble, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

After a series of difficulties, Jaime and Brienne grew close. Really close. Share a naked-hot tub together close. That’s where he opened up to her and finally showed his true personality, and it wasn’t as awful as he had always pretended. He had some real pain, and not a little confusion about his lot in life and his place in the world.

Ruling: Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

Losing his ability to fight with a sword made him question his identity and his purpose in life. But even so, he actually jumped into a ring to save Brienne, and helped her fight off a bear. A real bear. A fucking BEAR.

Ruling: Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

When Brienne finally deposits him in King’s Landing safely, he gives her a fine set of armor and one of the most powerful swords in the land, a Valyrian-steel sword she called ‘Oathkeeper.’ And then they said goodbye.

Ruling: Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy

He went back to Cersei, his wife-sister, and there was a ton of tension. She was not as attracted to him now that life had torn him down a peg. So he raped her next to the body of their dead son.

Ruling: Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish Creepy Rapist

When his little brother was unfairly found guilty for murdering Jaime’s son and nephew, the King, Jaime risks everything to spring his brother from the pokey.

Ruling: Loyal, Fearless, Principled, Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Re-captured, Incestuous, Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish, Creepy Rapist

And then he went to to Dorne to save his daughter. He almost lost a fight to a generic footsoldier. That’s how bad he was at fighting. They were promptly captured and released by a kindly Prince. But not before his daughter was poisoned to death by enemies.

Ruling: Bumbling, Loyal, Fearless, Principled, Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Thrice-captured, Incestuous, UN-Skilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish, Creepy, Raping, Failure

So he bonded with his sister-wife harder than ever, and they hatched a plan with some other people to stick it to the assholes his sister had empowered in the first place. But he was outed in front of everyone in King’s Landing as a buffoon and a dimwit as he and his family were out thought by a 200 year old man.

Ruling: Humiliated, Bumbling, Loyal, Fearless, Principled, Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Thrice-captured, Incestuous, Unskilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish, Creepy, Raping, Double-Failure

Because of his and his wife-sister’s combined stupidity, he was stripped from his position as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. BY HIS OWN SON.

Ruling: Dishonored, Demoted, Humiliated, Bumbling, Loyal, Fearless, Principled, Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Thrice-captured, Incestuous, Unskilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish, Creepy, Raping, Triple-Failure

And he was sent to the Riverlands to lead the Lannister army, as long as he stayed the Hell out of King’s Landing.

Ruling: Promoted, Banished, Dishonored, Demoted, Humiliated, Bumbling, Loyal, Fearless, Principled, Generous, Appreciative, Respectful, Brave, Honest, Bittersweet, Destroyed, Lost, Arrogant, Maimed, Nerfed, Funny, Stupid, Thrice-captured, Incestuous, Unskilled, Betraying, Family Murdering, Deck-Stacking, 80’s Karate Movie Bad Guy-ish, Creepy, Raping, Triple-Failure

And that’s where we find him today. So will the real Jaime Lannister please stand up? Because that’s one mind-boggling character description. Because if you look back, Jaime - not Cersei or Tyrion or Tywin - is the reason why the Lannisters got into this mess and why they were hated by the viewing audience. Cersei wasn’t a monster back then (that we saw). Tyrion was a lush but not evil. Tywin was always a single-minded son of a bitch, but he wasn’t actively evil either.

When the show set Jaime up as a counterpoint to Ned, and he did the bad-guy things he did like trying to provoke Ned outside the small council, or especially that look he gave Ned with his dagger STILL IN JORY’S FACE. Jaime Lannister is the reason people hate Lannisters. He’s the one that got the ball rolling.

With Bran and Ned, clean-shaven Jaime was a complete cock that we wanted dead. Bearded, with Brienne he was more than just tolerable, he was actually likable. He felt like a complete character.

But since then, as he’s returned to his sister-wife’s toxic aura? He’s a fool and an ass and totally incompetent. I mean, all credit due for being able to ride a horse up some marble steps, but short of that, what has he done of real importance since Brienne dropped him off at recess?

Jack squat, that’s what. I mean, okay, he sprung Tyrion. We’ll give him that.

But has he ever won a battle?

Has he ever out-thought ANYONE?

Outside of his time with Brienne, has he ever once cared about anyone but himself and his harpy sister-wife?

He couldn’t even kill the frail old buzzard who humiliated his sister-wife, sent her into the street naked, and had her pelted with feces, when the old man was standing next to him! I mean, holy fuckballs, batman! Where’s your dignity, man? Where’s your pride? Where’s the man that stabbed the Mad King in the back?

And yet, somehow, many of us still care about him.

Now Jaime is on his way to the Riverlands, and so is Brienne. And they’re on opposite sides. Will he return to the man he was before? Will we see a new Jaime…again? Or will he be the pusillanimous blowhard he became in King’s Landing?

It may be time to grow that beard back, Ser Jaime.

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