This Obnoxoius Review of 'Ride Along' Is Almost as Annoying as the Movie
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This Obnoxoius Review of 'Ride Along' Is Almost as Annoying as the Movie

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | January 17, 2014 | Comments ()


Ride Along stars Ice Cube, who has two faces — a scowl, and a huge soft-hearted grin, and nothing in between — and Kevin Hart, who has a habit of repeating everything he says twice, once in a slightly annoying voice, and a second time, IN A LOUDER, MORE ANNOYING VOICE. Hart plays Ben Barber, a mall security guard with his heart set on marrying his girlfriend Angela (Tika Sumpter) and joining the police force. Standing in his way is the scowl of Angela’s brother, James (Ice Cube), a detective in the Atlanta police force who doesn’t trust Ben because Ben is annoying and speaks very loudly, and also because BEN JUST YELLS ALL OF HIS DIALOGUE IN AN ANNOYING VOICE.

In order to gain James’ blessing, Ben agrees to a ride along for a day, so that he can prove himself worthy of Angela. Over the course of the ride along, Ben mistakes a woman with a beard for a man, AND HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS A WOMAN, SHE’S GOT A BEARD, and gets made fun of by kids, and WHY DON’T THOSE KIDS RESPECT HIM, and pranked by James, WHO KEEPS PRANKING BEN because he’s trying to scare him both away from his sister and out of trying to be a police officer because Ben is not good enough for Angela, AND HE’S NOT WORTHY OF JAMES’ SISTER, who is hot by the way and BLAM. KAPOW. TONGUE WAG. PENIS JOKE.

However, thanks to his boss video game skills, HE’S A PLATINUM VIDEO GAME PLAYER, Ben collects a couple of clues on a case that James is working on, and ultimately gets embroiled in an arms deal, which brings them to the shootout, after which THERE’S ANOTHER SHOOTOUT, which is not a repetition of this annoying review device but actually a statement of fact because Ride Along is the Speed of SHITTY ACTION MOVIES THAT THROW IN EXTRA ACTION SEQUENCES NOT TO IMPROVE THE MOVIE BUT TO PAD THE RUNTIME.

The double climax then brings Ride Along to the gag reel, where, Kevin Hart FLUBS HIS LINES and Ice Cube’s scowl turns into a grin because he can’t maintain his composure, although the only difference between the scenes in the gag reel and the scenes in the actual movie is that ICE CUBE CRACKS UP IN THE GAG REEL.

There is nothing remotely entertaining in Ride Along, and though I do like Kevin Hart in small, supporting roles, AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES OF LISTENING TO HART GAB AND GAB WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE quickly grows weary. There’s probably a couple of decent laughs in Ride Along, but I couldn’t hear them over the sound of Kevin Hart’s voice, BECAUSE KEVIN HART’S VOICE IS REALLY LOUD, DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING. HIS VOICE IS SHRILL AND NONSTOP AND HE ONLY TAKES A BREAK FROM SHOUTING for other people to make jokes about how short he is, BECAUSE KEVIN HART IS A REALLY SMALL GUY.

My recommendation is to that you not see Ride Along because YOU SHOULD NOT SEE IT because repeating the same statements with slightly different wording AND IN A LOUDER VOICE does not make the statement funny NOR DOES IT MAKE IT HUMOROUS.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • BGVA

    I saw it yesterday and your review is spot on. Everyone is cracking up at this dude, and I'm just wondering what the hell is so funny about a dude who says a line, then yells it in a higher-pitched voice. The gag where he'd act tough then yell like a little girl when someone called his bluff got old after the biker scene.

  • OldSchool60

    Call this the "Dane Cook Syndrome"

  • Littlejon2001

    There's a lot of Kevin Hart hate going on here...

  • e jerry powell

    Okay, and?

  • Robert Sanchez III

    Hes a good stand up comic, it just doesn't seem to translate into acting ability.

  • Travis_J_Smith

    On ESPN First Take, Kevin Hart said that, if Martin Luther King were alive today, he'd tell you to go see Ride Along. Just thought you all should know that...

  • Al Borland's Beard

    What surprises me most is that he was able to say anything with that puckered anus Skip Bayless always talking nonsense.

  • e jerry powell

    You are being far too kind to Skip Bayless.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I don't... I can't... what??

  • e jerry powell

    "Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive."

    Hmmm. This means that Kevin Hart has five films in the pipeline, not that he's the funniest man alive.

    So basically parts are being created for Kevin Hart to play Kevin Hart. Why couldn't he just get a sitcom, like Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer and Bernie Mac? Half-hour narrative suits Hart-style stand-up comedians best, since they mostly can't act. In fact, Hart could turn his material into an animated show, a la "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids," only for Adult Swim so he can leave all the language in.

  • Naye

    He did have a show, some ten years ago I think on ABC.

  • e jerry powell

    That "Big House" thing that ran for six episodes back in 2004, where all the actors were playing characters but Kevin Hart, who was playing "Kevin"?

    Okay, I was being hyperbolic. All the same, he does have a sitcom in the pipe that's basically going to be about his divorce, just like his stand-up act. Mined like Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley (and also Will Smith, if we think about "All of Us,: though I prefer not to), and the first three seasons of The Cosby Show.

  • Uriah_Creep

    With good ideas like that, you will never be a studio executive, my friend.

  • e jerry powell

    Ain't that a bitch?

  • e jerry powell

    This is the kind of crap Tika Sumpter left "One Life to Live" for?

    Well, this and the Sparkle remake...

    But seriously, Tika, at least you have a paycheck coming from Tyler Perry. For what that's worth.

  • Justin Kuhn

    He's funny. I'm willing to accept that he's not great in this movie, but when he tells stories about his various family members, it's funny.

  • e jerry powell

    Because it's his act and he wrote it. He doesn't really have to play a character, he just has to impersonate his family members. I laugh my ass off to it, and I'd pay to see his stand-up set. As far as him acting in a movie where he's not supposed to be playing himself...

    (In all honesty, I have to say the same about Wanda Sykes, and I adore her.)

  • Byakko

    It gives me the sads that Jason Mantzoukas, Rafi from the League, has a screenwriting credit attached to this stinker.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Dustin, allow me to review your review of a movie: pithy.

    I now invite someone, preferably Ice Cube, to review my review of a review of a review.

  • Two and a half stars.

  • Genevieve Burgess

    I have hated this movie since the posters went up all over the DC area, just because of the heavy implication that a grown woman is incapable of picking a man to be her husband without her brother putting him through some sort of arbitrary test of his "manhood" as defined by the BROTHER but not the woman interested in actually marrying this person. The fact that it's terrible only gives me a better reason to hate it.

  • seaturtles

    I really wanted the ALL CAPS words to be some sort of meta review of their own.

  • kilmo

    Sigh, so then my dad will love this movie. I showed him one of Hart's specials and he's been down the rabbit hole ever since. We also saw Grudge Match.

    Well first he went on a rant about how Richard Pryor was the king then Eddie Murphy stole his act, then Chris Rock etc, etc.

    Watch the 1st season of Real Husbands of Hollywood, it was on BET and it was hilarious. You'll get your small doses and also some Boris Kodjoe.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I have a hunch this review wasn't nearly as annoying as the actual movie.

    I saw actually had to rewind the dvr on my tv the other day, when I heard an ad for this movie proclaming "Kevin Hart is the funniest man on the planet." True life double take.

  • Uriah_Creep

    "Kevin Hart is the funniest man on the planet."

    I don't... I can't... what??

  • When I saw the Hobbit in early December, five of the ten trailers featured Kevin Hart. I counted. His nickname should be Fetch, because they need to stop trying to make him happen.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I feel a sudden urge to reread A Prayer for Owen Meany.

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