Pajiba

Aside from the glaring typos, that was a thoroughly enjoyable review.

For some reason, I keep hearing Ralph Wiggum excitedly saying, "Flicking her bean!" in my head. Good times.

Check that. GREAT times.

All these years and I never knew Helen Keller was a small-breasted woman!

a bloated dead fish with leaking discharge

Awww, MAN. That is nasty. But worth it, I love when Dustin gets angry.

I saw a picture from the premire of Gerard Butler licking Rainbow Killer's face. EW.

teeheehee

Really?
You're kidding!
I thought you would really like it.
{snort}

Dustin's blurbs are the best.

Gerard Butler, Katherine Heigl, in what critics are calling "an insult to misogyny" and "a vile, pitiable excuse for a film". The Ugly Truth, it's "more dull than painful"! In theaters now.

I'm not sure that Gerard Butler can act, but he is fun to watch in a wide variety of movies, if for no other reason than to hear him broguely fellate the English language.

I don't much mind Heigl fellating the language either. A blowjob is a blowjob.

"... empty-headed, blow-job machines. In other words, every man’s ideal would be Hellen Keller, if only she had bigger tits. ... he knows exactly what men want: Two illiterate half-naked chicks wrestling in Jell-O who know to shut the fuck up while the game is on..."

Eh, I just might have to check this thing out.

That's weird Dustin, your review is actually the pitch Nicole Eastman made to the producers, word for word.

from those old timey pictures of her... it would lead me to believe that Hellen Keller had quite the ample rack...

"water Hellen... waaaaaaaaaaaaaater!"

I dunno I thought Gerard Butler was good in Rocknrolla. And he wasn't a glistening Conan in that one.

Seriously though, homeboy needs to fire his agent. He follows up 300, one of the most dude-ical action movies of the aughts, with PS I Love You? And then there is this?

". . . a bloated dead fish with leaking discharge."

Dustin, it's time you added "gleet" to your vocabulary.

eh. i dont watch Gerard butler for acting, but for the eye candy.

now, THAT is a review. job well done sir.

Hellen Keller was titblind, too? Man, that girl just couldn't get a break, could she?

Fucking fantastic review. It's exactly what this movie needs.

And...yeah my lust for Butler plummeted when I realized that a) he's a TERRIBLE actor and b) he makes really fucking terrible movies.

Jeebus. The most insulting part is that this dreck was written by women. What the fuck? I say we take away their Female cards. They're an insult to our sex.

Sweet. 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. I love it.

How about a dozen Obama rookie cards for one Topps '08 Hendricks? Deal?

Yeah, I'd hump Gilliam's leg in cinematic appreciation any day of the week. I think Python was the only thing that kept me sane throughout high school. That and Dr. Demento.

Yes! The movie sucks! I don't have to see it despite my hatred of Heigl, like with Knocked Up.

By the way, Dustin, this review was a thing of beauty. This is what makes Pajiba great, fucking shitty movies in the ear with gloriously insulting reviews. Never give up, this was fucking genius.

And I know I say that every time you guys write reviews like this, but it's still the truth. Long live Godtopus for 10,000 years.

Guess Who reaming George a new one in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

So Katherine Heigl does better actressin' than Gerard Butler. Well 'F' me: who'da thunk it? Why Dustin Rowles of course! Another insightful bit o' commentary by Dusty...It would be so great if Dusty didn't seem like he checked out RottenTomatoes/com on his way over here to do HIS job.
I take offense to his commentary on Gerard Butler's acting chops as should every other loin cloth lovin' man out here: In what was possibly the gayest movie ever made Butler imbued his King Leonidas with a heterosexuality that defied the surroundings of that bath house flick...
I am perpetually shocked at the great "offense" guys like Dusty can pretend to take at little toss aways like this movie: I mean come on - a few days spent holed up with TCM and a box of Goobers will give each and every one of you masters of cinema a great dose of throwaways that littered the screen throughout the 40's, 50's AND 60's that are still thoroughly entertaining little nuggets (Nuggets being the same size as the tuffs of hair falling from Dan Carlson's pate...)Let's stack 'em up Dusty: The Ugly Truth versus 'With Six You get Eggroll'; The Ugly Truth versus 'Yours Mine and Ours'?! (Remember when they tried to REMAKE That movie with the studio geniuses we have now?!) I'm also defending the right of folks to belly up to a bucket of preheated popcorn and enjoy their 'Cheaper by the Dozen' - if it weren't for $%@^&#* like Dusty I might have been given a chance to watch the next installment of that delightful trilogy. So here's to you Dusty, you high minded douche.

Looks like Heigl is a little angry with "Dusty," and on the rag.

Re: Helen Keller - summa cum laude, summa don't.

Sorry, I just can't get over that comma thinks movie tickets are that cheap in NYC.

branded and replica with the back-to-back jack, as they say in baseball.

*standing ovation ... in my pants*
+++
Sorry, I just can't get over that comma thinks movie tickets are that cheap in NYC.

Posted by: SaBrina at July 24, 2009 10:39 PM
---
Oh, I figure there must be a super-budget before-8 a.m. bargain matinee at a third-run theater SOMEwhere in NYC that will let you in for that price. But no, I was in the city last year and wandered past a theater on Broadway, up around west 73 or 74, and made a point of looking at the prices.

Heh-heh-heh.

will you people stop disrespecting helen keller? from what i understand, any more than a mouthful is a waste. she needed a miracle WORKER not a miracle BRA.

Katherine Heigl is a stupid cunt. Love this review. If you haven't got enough anger in your life watch her Letterman interview.

The same genius who wrote about his colon is likely the same genius who hates on Katherine Heigl and is also likely part of the same male cabal that LOVES their Dr. McDreamy & the crap that is Grey's Anatomy.
What I can't figure out is why they just don't offer themselves up as Pajiba sex slaves and be done with it...? Never mind: I guess the right answer is that most of these self important douches have incredibly poor self images and have a strong yearning to be accepted by what they perceive to be the "cool clique" - thus carrying the water for Dusty & friends (Mean Girls anyone?). Or in Branded's case perhaps it means following Dan Carlson around with a dust pan collecting and reattaching fallen hair follicles...

So "jack that" Pajiba toadies...

One last comment: I'll take 100 "Ugly Truths" over one pile of SHIT like Bruno. After 35 painful minutes of Bruno I left the theater and proceeded to drive home plotting how I would sanitize myself after that visual rape of my senses. Bleached eyeballs anyone...?

“I guess the right answer is that most of these self important douches have incredibly poor self images and have a strong yearning to be accepted by what they perceive to be the "cool clique" - thus carrying the water for Dusty & friends (Mean Girls anyone?).”

The Real Joe at July 25, 2009 9:09 AM
______________________________________________________________________________

First of all to call him Dusty is so fucking funny, and secondly Joe you are spot on about some of the humps around here carrying water for the Mean Girls cabal.

Braski you are so right, my grammar is often mocked because they would rather deal with my grammar as opposed to having to deal with the point I’m making. Some here can’t handle the truth.

Now I understand what you are talking about Joe, this guy Vermillion couldn’t let an insult against his boss man go unchallenged. He’s out here on a Saturday morning protecting Dan’s good name and his hair. But trust me, if someone attacked Vermillion do you think that Dan would come out on a Saturday morning to protect Vermillion’s good name? The answer is hell motherfucking no.

Having seen the trailer, I figured out that:

A. Heigl was playing the Spike TV stereotype of a career-minded woman while Butler was playing the Lifetime Channel stereotype of a grown-up frat-boy.

B.Heigl and Butler would spend most of the movie fighting, arguing and trying to prove one another wrong.

C. They'd end up irresistibly attracted to one another after Butler helped Heigl capture the attention of Attractive Nobody and would have to end up together.

So...no need to go see it.

Oh and Spoilers.

Can we establish that Pajiba is above calling people out on grammar?

If someone fucks up their grammar I'd be more than willing to bet that their point is going to be ripe with material for mockery, you don't have to lower yourselves to the level of a typical internet twat and be the grammar police.

Posted by: Braski at July 25, 2009 10:19 AM
---
Someone = singular subject
+ fucks up = singular verb
+ their = plural pronoun
--------
agreement error

Answer to your question: No.

,twat

We have a Cabal?

Like the Stonecutters?

Are we holding back the Electric Car and Atlantis off the map?

We made Greedo shoot first.
We made Fox cancel Firefly
We had Bush elected
We invented the elastic waistband
We are behind male pattern baldness.

One last comment: I'll take 100 "Ugly Truths" over one pile of SHIT like Bruno. After 35 painful minutes of Bruno I left the theater and proceeded to drive home plotting how I would sanitize myself after that visual rape of my senses. Bleached eyeballs anyone...?

Posted by: The Real Joe at July 25, 2009 9:09 AM

Ah, Bruno. I'll never forget you. After going to see it with my brother and father, once it was over, I looked at my father, and he said, with a smile on his face, "I have to say, that's one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life."

Keep in mind, that quote came from a man who saw Delta Farce, Kangaroo Jack, Balls of Fury, and 3 Pokemon movies.

You have to admit that Prisco is constantly trying to make "fetch" happen.

Stacey's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudels.

I don't think grammar should be phased out, it just shouldn't be the first resort for mockery. The eloquents maintain good grammar throughout their posts and newcomers who bring well constructed posts will remain, trying to make their way on to eloquent eloquence, but those who bring shitty grammar and incendiary nonsensical remarks will be phased out (or deified, in pookie's case)

Truly egregious abuse of the English language should be pointed out, but when Real Joe puts up a block of text riddled with statements that should activate your hipster rage alarms you shouldn't just take the easy way out and mock his excessive use of colons.

Braski I implore you not to go after Pookie, it won’t end good.

I'm sort of out of things, pop-culture wise, but has anyone heard of this song with the lyrics:

I said shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips

?

I heard it (was traumatized by it) in the lobby of my apartment. Great googilymoogily.

here you go, malechai.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2aiv5gZJpA

everyone else, please avoid clicking the blue.

Slim,

I had never heard of her until 5 seconds ago, but, thanks to the miracle that is the Interwebs I can wholeheartedly and whole-eyedly agree: great oglygoogly, that girl is goggleworthy.

Bucdaddy: I understand, I recognize that I'm probably going to come off as immensely hypocritical even the next time I post because I invest about 14 seconds in just about everything I post on the internet (proofreading is for sissies)

And Guess Who!: I know, I have no intention of going after you, I find you enormously amusing, but since you adopted Real Joe to your team I lumped you into my statement as well. Desole (add the accent mark your own damn self)

Shiiiiiiiit, all that snatch out in cyber space. Slim and Daddy getting their rocks off on G4, the fuck is this world coming to?

I can understand some of the women here hating [quote]Heigl because she’s hot and sexy and women who aren’t hot and sexy don’t like women that are hot and sexy, but what I don’t understand is some of the guys here hating Heigl. The guys here that hate Heigl probably have pigs for girlfriends and are upset they can’t experience Heigl’s sweet nectar. My wife is hot and sexy therefore I can appreciate Heigl.

Posted by: Guess Who! at July 25, 2009 8:38 AM[/quote]I love these type of statements. Every woman who hates of the Heigl is jealous of her "hotness," not because she's a self-important douche.

[quote]I can understand some of the women here hating Heigl because she’s hot and sexy and women who aren’t hot and sexy don’t like women that are hot and sexy, but what I don’t understand is some of the guys here hating Heigl. The guys here that hate Heigl probably have pigs for girlfriends and are upset they can’t experience Heigl’s sweet nectar. My wife is hot and sexy therefore I can appreciate Heigl.

Posted by: Guess Who! at July 25, 2009 8:38 AM[/quote]

I love these type of statements. Every woman who hates of the Heigl is jealous of her "hotness," not because she's a self-important douche.

Guess Who! Regarding your comment on women hating on Heigl because of all her supposed "hotness."

I love these type of statements. Every woman who hates of the Heigl is jealous of her "hotness," not because she's a self-important douche.

"My best to Dusty when you adjust his ascot, fluff up his pillow, and stand aside whilst he watches The Battleship Potemkin for the 8000th time..."

bro

you're trying too hard

Tomorrow at 1:00 pm I will be posting my thoughts on the Cambridge police/ Professor Gates brouhaha. I had initially decided not to weight in, but many people having have been emailing me and asking for a statement.

Zeiss: I’m not here to question if you’re hot and sexy, Heigl is hot and sexy so she deserves some leeway on here attitude. If I’m throwing spit balls in class and another guy is throwing spit balls in class, and if the teacher only catches me doing spit balls in class I can’t get made at the other guy for not getting caught. Now I don’t know you, you might not be hot and sexy like Heigl. But if you aren’t I can see were you would be angry at Heigl, but Heigl is really not the problem. There are many ways a lady this is not hot and sexy can please her man. In my day I’ve dated some women that really didn’t look all that great, but maybe she knew how to a clean a house or maybe she was a great cook. Zeiss, if you aren’t hot and sexy I’m sure you have other attributes that can get you noticed by a good man. Keep your chin up Zeiss, maybe you aren’t a looker like Heigl is but I think you have a good heart.

Forrest Crunk....Forrest Gump...! Get it? Get it?! I took Forrest Gump and slightly adjusted it to make it even more witty! I didn't even have to try that hard! Damn, I'm good!

Guess Who! Whatever floats your boat man. If you think Heigl is sexy, great. While I find her pretty, she's sexless and bland.

Can't wait to read another opinion on professor Gates.

HELLEN KELLER JOKE! :)

Posted by: Rachel K. at July 26, 2009 1:16 AM
---
My favorite ends with "waffle iron."

I fear Braski empowered you with his criticism of grammar mockery the Real Joe. (and I would request that you toss a blank line between paragraphs, its a strain on the eyes to read massive blocks of text)

And no one here is going to take you seriously as long as you're just releasing pent up aggression. Go kick a cat or something; Pajiba already has someone to flip a shit every time a mildly hipsterish sentiment is expressed.

The Real Joe, Seriously? You "detest the "windage" coming out of these people's keyboards" Take a look back through the thread, my friend. Yours are some of the longer posts. If you don't like what goes on here, you aren't being forced to stay. In fact, if hypcrisy is all you have to offer, I'd suggest you take it elsewhere.

Hey Eyvi -
When

you

get

to

my

entries

just

close

your

eyes

and

move

on...

(Better

now

Logjam...?)

And here we have an opportunity to observe a creature of the internet: The Twatwaffleius monstrosus. They are most commonly found in the comment sections of popular websites, where they desperately attempt to hijack the threads of more talented writers, as even they know that nobody cares enough about them to read their whinging by choice.

We all know, of course, that the Tm is just another variety of troll. That doesn't mean you can't have fun with them. My preference is the 'Tm Drinking Game'. The rules are as follows, but feel free to add your own:

Invention of a nickname too pathetic to be truly insulting, deliberately taking the opposing view to the original writer and/or claiming the webmaster is some sort of power-hungry overlord: take a sip. Take an extra sip if they reference Hitler or Nazis, because that never gets old.

Making some bizarre claim about the personal lives of the writer, or other posters (extra points if they mention WoW): take a larger sip, and check your security for stalkers.

Bitching about 'grammar police' instead of recognising a (rather brilliant) pun: do a shot.

Forming an alliance with the resident troll: do a shot, then take a shot, so they'll have something to commemorate their first mating.

Suggesting they're here to do battle with {insert chosen enemy here}: Drink an entire can of beer, and give them the empties, so they can make themselves a little suit of armour for that self-imposed quest.

So far, Real Joe and this bottle of cough syrup have nearly made me forget I've got fucking swine flu. Make another 'Dusty' crack, Real Joe, one more sip should do it!

“Oh don't worry, Guess Who - I'm now in for the long haul. I absolutely detest the "windage" coming out of these people's keyboards. It is foul with the heavy stench of self congratulatory "we're cool, because we get it" hosannas wherein they compare notes on what passes for popular entertainment these days replete with small asides on obscure movie/tv trivia that allows them to give each other virtual high fives (Yes! You’re cool too because you get ME!). When you really think about it, these folks are just one step up the evolutionary food chain from World of Warcraft jackasses that are living inside a fantasy world and have found fellow tribes people who share their obsession.”

Posted by: The Real Joe at July 26, 2009 5:14 PM
________________________________________________________________________

Joe, I can honestly say I’ve read your opening volley three times and all three times I came.

I'm disappointed in you Guess Whookie. I insult Tyler Perry and Katherine Heigl in the same post, and you still don't defend them with even a passing insult. You're losing your edge as you become old and feeble. Maybe if you finally got that elementary school diploma that's been out of reach for so many years, you wouldn't have these kind of mental slip-ups.

(Hey, playing dirty with the local troll is plenty fair. Especially when the troll has a bizarre, yet charming batshit insanity about him.)

Guess who, you had me at hello.

Well let's go to the videotape shall we!

ScienceGeek - Recognizing the ‘s’ you placed in recogniSing I have you down for an illiterate or a Brit (Same difference except for the teeth.) – I know it is absolutely mandatory for all Brits to adopt a high minded “My dear chap: I’m better than you but I have the good breeding not to rub your nose in it…” approach to simpletons like myself. If we’re going to play a drinking game (As if the Brits need an excuse to drink…) can we play the one where Dusty (SHOT!) and Danny write some dreck and their fan club here at Pajiba goes overboard in its praise and adoration? Jesus, we should all be drunk by the time Danny’s pate is oozing sweat and dead hair follicles into his pale ale…

Just curious, but THIS is a review site is it not? By definition am I not allowed to offer up my OWN commentary on the reviewing skills of our hosts? Is that somehow implied verboten? Simply offering up my viewpoint that the review I read here is neither useful nor particularly insightful would seem to be the job of any good audience member: How can we expect Dusty or Danny to ever rise above their current state of mediocrity if all any of us do is pucker up and apply suction?

Perhaps I should take the approach I’ve also seen here (Pick your poison.):
• Oh man that review just rocked my world! Dustin Rowles YOU sir, are The Man!
• Oh I was so hoping that movie wouldn’t suck but now that you’ve done my thinking for me, Mr. Carlson, I’ll just wait until the next Batman comes out before I ever set foot in a movie theater again…unless you don’t like that one either…
• Oh THANK YOU Mr. Rowles for liking this movie! I will go see it now! You’re the best Mr. Rowles!

Love how independent thought here is the straight line to being tagged a “troll”. Is “troll” what passes for the ultimate put down in these parts…? Gee, I’m so deeply hurt. I’m actually so hurt that I’ve decided to punish myself by reading ‘commenter formerly known as bucdaddy’ post to myself ten times….aww screw it – just kidding buc – I didn’t make it past the first sentence…Sorry but that was just coma inducing…

…and to wrap up – just like at the end of any movie, let’s roll the credits:

The makers of this post would like to thank:

Log Jam for his/her suggestion to break up my meanderings with spaces… Yeeessshhhh! Good stuff LogJam!

Mr. Rowles’ writing for its shallowness and laziness…

Dan Carlson for his hair loss affliction (I love a never ending stream of bald jokes! Never get tired of Dan the Man’s hair travails…)

ScienceGeek for reminding this student of history that the Brits are ungrateful bastards who have never gotten over their – ahem – shrinkage problem…
…and finally, here’s a big shout out to Guess Who: As George C. Scott so aptly put it: “…you magnificent bastard, I read your book!” Love ya, man…and keep the faith.

And I've reached my threshold. Thanks, Real Joe. I now officially have more drugs in my system than Michael Jackson (too soon?)

By the way, I'm Australian. In case you're unaware, we like robbing bread, surfing, and fucking sheep. No, wait, that last one is what the New Zealanders do. Oh, that's right, we punch koalas and wrestle crocodiles.

Now Joe, I'm just medicated enough to find your attempts to justify your douchebaggery amusing (and your growing love for Guess Who kinda cute). So stick around - I've got a doctor's certificate for three more days off work, a lap top and a whole bunch of meds that aren't going to ingest themselves.

Australian?! Well “F” me! I thought that little exercise in using whatever means necessary to pick up girls went out with using puppies and babies… Jesus, being Australian stopped being cool when Mad Max faced off with Tina Turner.

Hey, while we’re on the subject of your being a douche…Eric Bana: What’s up with that? The guy has been in more stinkers than the Aussie corpses at Gallipoli… Not to mention that every time I see him when he’s “doing American” he has an unsettling likeness in tone and facial expression to Corey Feldman – seems to me producers could just save a few bucks in tight times like these and just hire Corey Feldman…Damn sure HE could have made Troy worth watching… “Immortality! It’s yours!”

We need to include a "Pajiba Hook-up" message board. Where budding romances can flourish. I think the Whookie/Real Joe, BFF to full blown passion seen over the past two days is proof that it is a marketable concept.

Possible merchandising customers: Extenze, KY Lubricants and Scientology.

Oh, and I'm just going to put this out there;

I think Real Joe has a voice, a voice that wants to heard (read) let's give the lad the opportunity to review this film.

How about it Rowles? let's give this up and coming reviewer a shot.

I'm really curious.

Ooh, I feel like I'm watching the rap battle scene in 8 mile! Which one of you is Eminem?

This is isn't about you any longer, homes, this is about what your new BFF can bring to the table. He/It/She/Whatever talks a big game, I'm putting out a challenge on behalf of the Pajiba Nation to see what it's all about.

We already know what you bring.

yeah, yeah, the real joe is a real douche, got it.

onto other jackings, alexis cohen was killed by a car this weekend.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090726/ap_en_mu/us_american_idol_contestant_death

freaky.
now, you tards play nice, because, you know, time is short, or whatever.
i'm gonna go think about the frailty of life and/or go beat off to xtube.

A challenge, what, a dance off McCool?

Posted by: Guess Who! at July 26, 2009 11:05 PM

------------------------------------------------

I don't hear any music....Mr. Top 10 comments.

B I'm just breaking balls, no need to get sideways. I found somebody to roll with for a minute or two, we still down right? You my man fifty grand.

Exactly, Guess Who! What the fuck is in the water in America?

Sorry but that was just coma inducing…
---
Apparently you felt the same way about your English teachers' attempts to educate you during the three years you spent in school.

Buc...sorry man: Still sleeping. Wake me when you have something witty to say...