The Spy Next Door Review

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By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Film Reviews | Comments (17)

I don’t mind reviewing relentlessly awful movies — it’s part of the job description — but it’s a little frustrating when it’s as pointless as telling you that Jackie Chan’s family film, The Spy Next Door, isn’t worth the effort it takes you to pick up your car keys to go see it. It’s True Lies by way of The Pacifier and Daddy Day Care. Does anyone who would read this site even care? Even those of us with kids have to have more sense than to run out and see what is essentially a Nickelodeon flick featuring a broken-down Jackie Chan — you can find more entertainment value in watching a leaky faucet drip for an hour and a half. In fact, the only people I’d recommend The Spy Next Door to are those with children who actually enjoy the peace and solitude of a time-out — The Spy Next Door is a $5 punishment, but it’s bound to be more effective than a good switch spanking, and twice as traumatic.

Jackie Chan stars as Bob Ho (and yes, his name is the funniest part of the movie). He plays a spy whose cover is a doddering old accountant. Under his cover identity, he falls in love with his next door neighbor, Gillian (Amber Valetta) — the catch? Her kids think he’s square, and don’t want Mom to have anything to do with him. In order to win over her children, however, Ho decides to take the kids for a weekend while Mom is tending to a plot contrivance. During the weekend, Ho’s cover is blown, and the kids get wrapped up in a lame mission to prevent a couple of cartoon Boris-and-Natasha terrorists from killing the family. Assisting Ho in his spy endeavors are two names I probably should’ve prefaced this review with: George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus. Take a pistol in your purse, Moms. A good-old fashioned murder-suicide pact with your kids will seem awfully appealing once those two appear on screen.

The Spy Next Door comes from the the Aaron Seltzer and Jason Freidberg of family films, the feeble-minded Brian Levant (Are We There Yet?, Snow Dogs), who is God’s way of punishing straight people for having children. It’s is lazily scripted, trite, and insufferable, but most of all, it manages to be bad enough to actually waste the talent of Billy Ray Cyrus.

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Comments

Wait wait wait....George Lopez AND Billy Ray Cyrus?

Who is the mastermind behind these casting decisions? Where is my handgun?

Posted by: superasente at January 15, 2010 4:53 PM

I am surprised that the theater didn't spontaneously suck.

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2010 5:02 PM

For all the people who are depressed at the end of Avatar, just come on in to the Spy Next Door! For a limited time you get your choice of handgun rental, cyanide pill, or for the hipsters among you, a specially trained swarm of killer bees that hum ironic renditions of classic TV shows while they sting you to death. Come on down!

Posted by: Mrcreosote at January 15, 2010 5:06 PM

This depresses me. Jackie Chan used to be SO DAMN GOOD in Hong Kong cinema. Hollywood knows he's charismatic and worth some cash, but they don't really know what the hell to do with him since they don't really do movies like Project A or Armour of God - at least, not with the same amount of charm. Thus - we get this embarrassing shitball of tripe. THE FUCKING KARATE KID? ARE YOU BATSHIT INSANE?

Posted by: Goldie at January 15, 2010 5:45 PM

Hee hee! You said "ho."

*titters gleefully*

Hee hee!! I said "titter!"

Posted by: Jelinas at January 15, 2010 5:50 PM

I still wonder, I've seen you give good reviews to terrible movies,* and terrible reviews to great movies, where's the line between a terrible movie and a great movie for you, because I'm not seeing it when equally inspid and equally juvenile movies get different reviews.

*Scroll to the bottom of the article on the second link to see what I'm talking about.

Posted by: George at January 15, 2010 5:57 PM

Now just hang on there. Billy Ray Cyrus was in Mulholland Drive, and that alone should be a sufficient coolness card to grant him a (mostly) free pass on this site.

George Lopez, however, needs to be slowly spun on a rotisserie placed two inches over a piranha tank -- talking piranhas with exaggerated Latino accents who attempt at ethnic humor while tearing bits off of his skin with their razor-sharp teeth. Then Lopez would know what it's like to watch his show.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at January 15, 2010 6:09 PM

Wowza. How did Bedhead dodge this bullet? Look at Rowles taking one for the team. Good on ya, buddy.

Posted by: welldressed at January 15, 2010 6:23 PM

So you liked it?

Posted by: TWoP Fan at January 15, 2010 10:29 PM

The thing is, kids will watch anything in a theater. Adults, too. The lights go dim, the bright screen presents glorious color and dazzling movement. Salty, buttery popcorn lingers in the mouth. On the weekends, when I have to do something - anything - with the kids, I would take them to see garbage and love it. If they filmed five hours of water dripping from a tap, with voice over narration from Jackie Chan, shot with the Red cam, we three would sit happily and watch. As long as there was popcorn.

Posted by: Lance at January 16, 2010 9:11 AM

I can never fully hate George Lopez, just for his work on Reno 911. That doesn't mean I will be watching this or anything else he has ever done. But he is great on Reno 911.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at January 16, 2010 4:54 PM

I like Chan, but how many "action star as a nanny" can they possibly make. EVERYONE has done it, from Shwarzenegger and Diesel to Eddie Murhy and The Rock. I'm thinking next they'll make a superhero into a nanny, I bet they'll start with Iron Man or the Hulk.

Posted by: zakimar at January 17, 2010 3:44 AM

Congratulations Jackie Chan, on 100 years in show business

Posted by: A. Biro at January 17, 2010 4:39 AM

Age is not important. http://AgelessMeet.com/ gives you the chance to seek your like-minded soul mates. Try it and you won't be disappointed.

Posted by: Helen at January 17, 2010 5:32 AM

I was surprised by how much I absolutely loved the Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson combo in Shanghai Noon. My love for that movie means I will never out of hand rule out a Jakie Chan movie. So, what I am trying to say is thanks for taking the time to review this movie and let me know for sure that it's bad.

Posted by: starbuckets at January 18, 2010 5:20 PM

Overall, a fun movie to watch - my kids really enjoyed the action and storyline. Is it Oscar material? No. But it was a relatively clean family-friendly movie. I would not recommend it for very young children because some of the action scenes are very intense, but for older children, I would say 5th grade and up, a fun movie. Not a Christian movie, but still fun to watch and not offensive. I can say our family did watch the out-takes at the end of the movie and I didn't notice any objectionable language, mentioned in the preview. Any objectionable language was bleeped or deleted. The out-takes were very funny and I didn't see any harm in watching them.

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Posted by: Linken at January 23, 2011 12:05 PM

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