The Key to Successful Parenting: Cyanide Pills
Jackie Chan stars as Bob Ho (and yes, his name is the funniest part of the movie). He plays a spy whose cover is a doddering old accountant. Under his cover identity, he falls in love with his next door neighbor, Gillian (Amber Valetta) -- the catch? Her kids think he's square, and don't want Mom to have anything to do with him. In order to win over her children, however, Ho decides to take the kids for a weekend while Mom is tending to a plot contrivance. During the weekend, Ho's cover is blown, and the kids get wrapped up in a lame mission to prevent a couple of cartoon Boris-and-Natasha terrorists from killing the family. Assisting Ho in his spy endeavors are two names I probably should've prefaced this review with: George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus. Take a pistol in your purse, Moms. A good-old fashioned murder-suicide pact with your kids will seem awfully appealing once those two appear on screen.
The Spy Next Door comes from the the Aaron Seltzer and Jason Freidberg of family films, the feeble-minded Brian Levant (Are We There Yet?, Snow Dogs), who is God's way of punishing straight people for having children. It's is lazily scripted, trite, and insufferable, but most of all, it manages to be bad enough to actually waste the talent of Billy Ray Cyrus.