'The Babymakers' Review: People You Like in a Movie You Will Hate
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The Babymakers Review: People You Like in a Movie You Will Hate

By Amanda Mae Meyncke | Film Reviews | August 6, 2012 | Comments ()


About five years ago, back when I was young and fresh and still felt excited about everything having to do with movies, I interviewed an actor who had worked in several Uwe Boll movies. I was sort of asking him how he could do that and still respect himself, given that I didn't think Uwe Boll movies were very good. (At this time I had yet to see any Uwe Boll movies, I was just filled with Opinions One Ought To Have.) He treated this stupid question with the disdain it deserved, and said "Because I have a mortgage?" I think this was the first time I'd ever considered that actors might make role choices for reasons other than high-minded artistic ones. Paul Schneider must have one heck of a mortgage.

Schneider plays Tommy, a married man whose wife Audrey, played by Olivia Munn, wants a baby. You know how women are. The two put in some serious effort in the baby making department but no babies for them. Tommy's band of idiot friends, and Audrey's band of idiot lady friends all have a lot of ideas about how Tommy and Audrey could get better at making babies. These are the worst people in the world, these people who have advice about infertility that involves dipping genitals in hot water, or trying harder or whatever. So it's to the fertility doctor for our duo. Turns out Tommy's sperm are no good, but luckily he's secretly made deposits at a sperm bank in the past in order to pay for Audrey's engagement ring, since the concept of working at your job and saving up for something expensive doesn't exist in this world. Selling your sperm is the only way to make money. Tommy tries to retrieve his sperm but it turns out there's only a... anyway this doesn't matter, he and his dumb friends have to break into the sperm bank to steal his sperm.

The Babymakers exists in a world where the dumbest thing that can happen will happen. Watching porn in order to produce a semen sample? The volume will magically turn itself all the way up and oh no, everyone will hear you watching animal porn! A little Chinese baby is named Jackie Chan because her American parents wanted her to have a name that celebrated her heritage. Racial stereotypes are hilarious. A magazine will have some cantaloupes on the cover and will arouse not one but several men who come across it. At one point a man thrashes about in a pile of broken sample vials, semen somehow getting all over him, on his face and in his mouth. This is devolving, but you get the idea. The number of convenient mix-ups and misunderstandings that occur would begin to frighten and disturb any regular person, but not this parade of idiots.

The worst part about the script is that it's simply not funny. At all. Recycled jokes and depressingly stupid scenarios. Olivia Munn makes an effort with the script, but there's not much even she can do to save this so she mostly grimaces and makes sad little faces that indicate she's fully aware of the nightmare transpiring around her. The cast of supporting characters act out in various stupid ways, Jay Chandrasekhar directs and stars and his commitment to the project, as well as Paul Schneider's, is kind of astonishing. Schneider never lets on that the script is terrible, he's in it to win it and gives it his all. I have to admire that, even if it's wrong.

In much the same way, this week I watched a young man approach a pregnant woman and her boyfriend, and ask her out. She said no and the boyfriend pointed out that she was pregnant with his child. The young man was unfazed and asked her out again. The Babymakers approaches filmmaking with the same voracious appetite for destruction, ignoring all the signs along the way that maybe this all wasn't meant to be. In the end, The Babymakers is people you like, in a movie you won't.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • I got confused. I thought you were talking about Rob Schneider and you were describing a Happy Madison film....

  • ,

    Because 10,000 movie screens can't go dark.

  • BlackRabbit

    Horrible movies crop (or crap) up all the time. They're an inevitable event. And sometimes they're helpful, as when they allow a director to earn enough money or cred to make a good film after suffering through the drek.

    Maybe that's naive, as well.

  • Stephen Nein

    Jay Chandrasekhar = The Michael Bay of D list comedy.

  • god paul schneider is a hack. he was terrible on parks and rec. and boring. him leaving was the best thing to happen to that show. the first season sucked for a reason. even anne got better when mark brandoquitz left.

  • BarbadoSlim

    Lemme see...mmm about a third of the comments hating on some harmless bimbo. What a bunch of nice people we have here..

  • BarbadoSlim

    I'm not gonna read all that shit. Munn needs to get her fine (yet somewhat flat) ass back to AOTS, ASAP.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about Olivia Munn, which may explain why I feel nothing.

  • dahlia6

    Olivia Munn bugs me because she won't smile right. I've seen one picture of her where she's actually smiling a real, genuine smile, and it makes her look young and fresh and alive. Instead, she always does that stoned beauty-queen on Quaaludes thing where she shows teeth but it never reaches her eyes. Its a Kate Gosselin smile, and she'd be doing herself a lot of favors if she just quit trying to smile at all. Her smile says "I'm just doing this to humor you, now jack-off, asshole." It bugs the crap out of me. Either smile or don't, but quit with the grimacing.

  • Ley

    Oh hey; I've never liked any of these people. Even Paul Schneider.

  • This movie was god awful and it really made me feel ashamed that I even liked Paul Schneider in the first place. I have no idea why the guy would leave Parks and Recreation for crap like this, but I think it's time for him to reconsider his career options. Good review Amanda.

  • mrcreosote

    Amanda, I'm sorry you had to review this floater of a movie, but I'm not sorry I read the review. As for rest remember douchebags gotta....troll movie sites apparently.

  • John G.

    If you were young and fresh 5 years ago, how old are you now in your wise old age? Let me guess, 25?

  • Amanda Meyncke

    It was meant as bit of self-deprecation to set up the idiocy of my own question. Because what kind of moron asks someone why they're in a Uwe Boll movie?

  • googergieger

    I thought people stopped liking Munn about a year or two back? You know when people found out there are real gamer chicks that are hotter? Or you know, hot? I mean to be fair, not my field of expertise, but I just remember people hating her now. Or you know, being indifferent.

  • Maguita NYC

    I can honestly pinpoint my dislike of Olivia Munn, because of the numerous blinds highlighting her desperation for attention, and famewhoring.

    Not fair, I clearly agree.

    What is fair though, is that Olivia Munn yesterday on Newsroom did not bother me as much as Olivia Munn a few months ago "outing" her own naked explicit pictures - Allegedly, and a year ago, hard-posing at a hockey game with that obnoxious Glee guy.

  • dizzylucy

    We're supposed to like Olivia Munn? I must have missed that memo.

    And this is why Paul Schneider left the brilliant Parks & Rec?

  • SabrinaHatesDisqus

    Right? I thought that was one of the central Opinions One Ought to Have. Is this Incorrect Opinions Day?

  • Ted

    Amanda, here's a tip. Instead of a big ol' review to stomp down this stupid movie, you could have summed it up in 23 words:

    Jay Chandrasekhar's, from Super Troopers, new flick has an In-Vetro sperm facial scene, no Olivia Munn boobies, see it at your own risk.

    Now, I just know that you're another dumb sub reviewer/interviewer.

  • BarbadoSlim

    You tell em Ted!

  • Wednesday

    Ted, here's a tip: if you want one-sentence movie reviews that tell you whether or not you'll see tits, this probably is the wrong place to be looking.

    But hey, now we know you're just another person who feels free to criticize a perfectly acceptable Pajiba review despite not successfully employing the basics of grammar or spelling.

  • BarbadoSlim


  • David Sorenson

    Actually "Ted" isn't a real person. The movie Ted has become a free roaming pile of dumb - can't be stupid because the word has too many syllables - that now haunts internet review sites the same way Slimer haunted the Hotel Sedgewick.

  • Maguita NYC

    Odious how Hollywood has money to throw out the window on stupid projects, when others are much more deserving of a bigger budget.

    Always found Schneider a guaranteed turn-off when promoting a movie or TV show. Makes you wonder how unaware the powers that be are at times.

    Are Letterman and Schneider friends? For if they are, Letterman is about to promote that piece of junk as strongly as he raved about Jack and Jill. Those 7 minutes with Adam Sandler still make me cringe.

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