Pajiba

Damn, pullin out the fifty cent words!

Disgusted but reasoned. Good work.

When he's not busy eviscerating ex-Presidents or playing Prime Ministers, Michael Sheen apparently loves being in vampire and werewolf movies.

Seriously dude, quit being the best thing about these shitty movies. You're better than this. Go be the best thing in some other kind of movie.

I really like how you took the high road here and tried to review this on its any, possible, minutest, fractionable merit...and teased it out in order to not utterly crap upon the little ladies...the addled, easy, soon-to-wake-up-in-the-real-world-and-learn-better little ladies.

You're a good man for that, Dustin. You try.

(heee, you poor poor man)

p.s. if admin had been there, just THINK of the illicit action he'd attract!

"It's empty, vacuous and...painful"
So the movie is exactly like the books?

The mother of my daughter's best friend (age 10) asked me to "lend" her my sweet, bright child to go to this crap fest. Obviously, the answer was a firm "NO". Friend'smommy whined "but it's so sweeeet...maybe if you read the boooook". The answer? Still NO (no point in telling her that I did, in fact, read the 3 books, and my braincells automatically went on strike 10 lines into the first chapter). Of course, my sweet, bright child wanted to know why she was not allowed to go with her friend. After a quick synopsis of the saga she said "well...that's pretty stupid..." Sweet, bright child of mine!

Had I not been bed-ridden, I would've been there with the squeeeeeing teens.
H1N1 flu a blessing in disguise?
...but you can bet your sweet sparkley asses I'll be at this movie after a full recovery.

"It’s two hours of 7th grade love note readings" nice job Dustin. BTW were you a girl in your most recent life, cause otherwise how did you know about those? It's a rite of passage for girls to burn all of the incriminating evidence of our hormonal stupidity when we leave for college.

Ugh, where is Spike and can he kill all of these morons?

Someone in my American Studies class tried to defend the Twilight series as "a perfect meshing of science-fiction, romance, and horror."

And Nosferatu wept.

and trust me, it’s 98 percent tweebags and their mothers...

And the image of Dustin there, at a midnight showing, in the midst of all that madness, all by himself...

I tell you, it fills my heart with joy. Tell me you wore a trench coat. Oh, please please please.

1. 130 minutes? Are you fucking kidding me?
2. Vampirism by insemination? Are you fucking kidding me?
3. I would appreciate it if you motherfuckers laid off of the glitter comments. When used properly it can be quite becoming.
4. Please keep moving this review to the top of the site. It will provide weeks of entertainment once the Twitards catch wind of it.
5. Comes after 4.

Someone in my American Studies class tried to defend the Twilight series as "a perfect meshing of science-fiction, romance, and horror."

Oh Jesopus Robert, I hope they were expelled immediately.

Oh Jesopus Robert, I hope they were expelled immediately.

And any previously earned degrees, diplomas, and certifications immediately revoked. Seriously, you want to talk like a middle-schooler, fine; now you are one on paper.

I think tweebags might be my new favorite word.

TK your scenario of Dustin at the midnight showing is wonderful. His pained expression must have been just priceless.

"...hasn’t he ever heard of anal? That’s how teenagers do it in the South when they want to avoid alerting the heavenly father..."

*tips hat*

I laughed for five solid minutes at this. Seriously, I think I may have herniated something.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon-Winner of 22 Teen Choice Awards including Best Use of Body Glitter and Best Way to Make a Rather Homely Teenage Girl Realize She Will Never Have Boyfriend in School Because Vampires Don't Exist

And no...no trench coat for Dustin.

...just the popcorn trick.

/grabs duct tape

On my way, PB.

I would rather slowly unravel my left nut with with a charged taser than watch this garbage.

Anyone else care to join in? What would you rather do than watch this movie?

Posted by: Kballs at November 20, 2009 2:46 PM

I'll pick up that gauntlet.

My 56 year old mother - the woman who introduced me to The Lord of the Rings, Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, Moby Dick and countless others; the woman who took me to see Star Wars in its first run, who went to see There Will be Blood and No Country For Old Men with me; my freaking MOTHER; tried to convince me that we take advantage of the Drafthouse's grand opening and go see this steaming pile of dung because "The books aren't that bad. They're great airplane reading."

I told her I'd rather suffer through 2012 or the Sandra Bullock movie and then stick my dick in a blender.

Justin, Here's a question I'd like an honest, unsnarky answer to: you and the other Pajiba "staff" (I use that word in the absolute broadest way possible) have made it mindsplinteringly clear that you loathe Twilight and every single person who has ever and will ever be associated with it in any way shape or form, even before the first movie came out last year.

So why bother even reviewing the sequel? It's obvious that you can't be even remotely objective, not just about this, but about ANYTHING that resides in the pop culture universe. And spare me the "Well, every other website in the world is doing a review of Twilight so Pajiba has to also."

I see.

So, while claiming to be hip/edgy/cool, out on your own, you actually are nothing more then a mindless lame loser sheep like everyone else.

That's what you've been waiting to open your mouth about?

DRINK!

But Rpat was so WINNING (and so cute) in Harry Potter. I firmly believe that it is Twilight (and the associated hair and air of ennui) that has made him subsequently loathsome.

I love this review so wholly, especially this bit:

It’s cinematic Astroglide (Rated PG-13) with no apparent purpose but to shatter hymens, drench theater seats in armpit stench and elicit the ear-bursting squeals and coos of adolescent females with little impulse control and lots of discretionary spending money.

Descriptive and ACCURATE, is what that is! Alas, its not confined to teenage girls. My 36 year old coworker came in all bleary eyed and blissed out this morning. I inquired as to whether she'd had a steamy date night with her husband. Alas, no - she'd attended the midnight showing of New Moon and only got 2 hours of sleep. The mind, it boggles.

Steph, I like our version better. Spermpires! Ahhhhhh!

Yeah "Justin," you're just sheep loser! Reviewing a film for your film review website! You knew you were going to hate it, so why did you do your fucking job and review it?

I mean God, you're such a loser, Justin. I fucking hate my job, but I knew it was going to suck today so I decided not to go. I knew before I even got up that today was going to suck, since my job is a steaming pile of shit, so I took the appropriate steps and decided that I just wasn't going to do my job.

Looks like you should have done the same, Justin.

Actually, I'm pretty sure Bella does get turned at some point. My niece is a god damn Twitard and has all the books, and never shuts up about vampires and Edward and blah blah blah blah. For her birthday she got a shirt that says "Sorry, I only date vampires." Ugh.

I liked it better when it was just Hannah Montana and High School Musical that she was obsessed with, believe it or not.

I'm sure I'm going to see this eventually since I'm ridiculous enough to have read the whole series. I guess I'm team Jacob since Stephenie Meyers at least king of tried to develop a relationship there and I find Edward creepy/boring.

Just thinking about this fills me with ennui.

While I haven't read the books or seen the movies or have any desire to do either (and I totally call my coworkers Twi-tards b/c they are), I will say this.
At least the kids are reading. It ain't Shakespeare, but it's reading.

Meh, the review is exactly what I expected. I'll watch this on a plane sometime next year, because for some reason, I like making torturous long haul flights even worse.

Snath, You don't get it, but then there's a surprise. Justin obviously went in prejudiced to loathe Twilight and all thing Twilight related and gave up all pretense of being even remotely objective.

Which does not a reviewer of ANYTHING, be it films, books, plays, records, food make, not even in todays "Any spazz dorkoid who has access to a computer can be a reviewer and an actual reporter" universe.

There have been numerous favorable comparisons of Justin to roger Ebert on this site both by Justin himself and Pajiba staff/commenters, which is of course laughable. Evert goes into every movie he says with as objective a point of view as he possible can. Justin has never and seemingly will never do that.

Sad and pathetic it makes him.

What the fuck is Michael Sheen doing in all these crap vampire films? I bet he'll be in the Let The Right One In Remake.

At least the kids are reading. It ain't Shakespeare, but it's reading.

No offense, but by that same tack, all the people who bought a certain book by a certain rogue due to their slavish devotion to the myth of down home goodness spun around her don't deserve to be mocked either.

True, the book is full of bullshit. Hay, at least they are reading.

I am sorry, but what you read and how you read are just as important as IF you read.

"Sad and pathetic it makes him."

Who's your favorite Star Wars character? Yoda it is.

I love seeing other people use the term "Sparkletard". It makes me happy like kittens and the first snow of winter.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm having Wesley Snipes, Hugh Jackman, and Anthony Hopkins over for dinner. We're...strategizing.

I think the difference for me, Vermillion, is that Whorish Mouth is commenting on Twilight making kids read, which is important to me. I don't really give a shit about some addle-pated fluff-brain thinking that Palin's memoir is a lost book of the Bible. It's not marketed to kids and it's not likely to get many kids reading if they weren't before, unlike Twilight.

I'm all about getting kids to read. Just getting them started, even if the book is crap, is likely to generate interest in the act of reading itself. Maybe when they are more comfortable with reading they can start branching out and opening their minds.

"I’ve never witnessed this level of feverish, hormonal passion — it borders on ecstasy, and there’s absolutely nothing on the screen to support it."

Dude. Two words: Star Wars. Specifically, Revenge of the Sith. Don't act like lonely, unpopular teenage girls have the market covered on obsessive devotion to utter crap; lonely, unpopular teenage boys practically invented it, and they're not regarded with half as much disdain in our culture, just a quaint, sheepish fondness and vague remembrance.

Yes, the whole Twilight "Saga" (where have we heard that before?) is obviously shit crapped out by a painfully repressed conservative vegetarian Mormon who equates premarital sex to ZOMGDEATH and strings sentences together like a fifteen year-old huffing Sharpie Magnum markers (the irony of which, of course, completely lost on said huffer), but hormonal sexual obsession is far from a new phenomenon and it's hardly one solely relegated to those of us unfortunate enough to have been cursed with ovaries and therefore apparently horrible taste.

Why do you think there are grown men who to this day still buy Heavy Metal wall calendars for proud display in their cubes and sexually submissive Mary Jane and Bikini Leia figurines to guard them while they violently masturbate to fantasies about fictional women dream sweet dreams?

The most disturbing part of the whole Twilight problem is not that these girls are slavishly devoted to poorly written pseudo-Fundamentalist pulp (Welcome to America), but to a male character who is controlling, manipulative and abusive and a weak, stupid, boring "heroine" who is only too happy to change her entire existence to please him.

This review is depressingly typical, and even more disheartening coming off such an amazing Paheeba Day. It figures that one day is apparently all we get.

Sad and pathetic it makes him.

*snort* That's rich.

LeeBee, THANK YOU! I went to the midnight showing yesterday with my friends and their daughters and their friend. My husband has been bashing me nonstop for going. Finally, I said "I have two words for you: STAR WARS." Badly written, badly acted and yet he watches it every time it's on. Including the prequels. You are so right: Before there were Twihards, there were fanboys. Don't even get me started on Trekkies.

I went last night to appease my younger teenage sister and was overwhelmed by the entire crowds fervor and devotion to each and every awful scene.
There was unnecessary laughter, cheering, crying and what almost felt like one giant orgasm for all to share.

I left feeling weird, questioning my sanity and wondering why i had went at all.
Needless to say my little sister loved it.

Not to pile more onto Snuggie, Lord knows she has enough responses to read, but I think it's safe to say that the smart girls like yours are not the ones we worry about. Your daughter and girls like her can obviously tell the difference between fluff and great literature, healthy love and unhealthy love, and a co-dependent relationship and one that is not. Given the genuine squeeing furor over this movie, I don't think that a lot of these girls can.

With all of the sex and fake female empowerment that is being pushed on girls today, what they really need are healthy role models and healthy literature. There are some great role models and great reading material out there, but as always the trash and the harmful role models get way more attention like the proverbial squeaky wheel. That's not to say that shit like Twilight shouldn't be published or that girls should absolutely never read it or anything like that. What these squeeing Twilight fans need is positive maternal (or paternal) figure to give them some guidance and perspective on these books. Essentially, what they need is a level-headed mother like you. I'm willing to be that most of them have no such guidepost. Therein lies the danger to their developing views of love and relationships.

I finally figured out how I am going to make my millions. I am going to write "Musk at Dusk", an angsty teen romance about a preacher's daughter in a backward town and her undying love for sasquatch. Vampires=so last year. Werewolves=been there done that. Sasquatch=so hot, so now, so untapped.

It practically writes itself...He's ugly, has bad hair, and looks like he smells bad. She's whiney, hates her parents and wants to rebel against her super christian dad (as played by John Lithgow, that man knows his way around a bible and a bigfoot).

Will sasquatch be able to win the hearts and minds of her father and the backward town folk?

Will she be able to teach sasquatch to love?

Tagline: "When you can't believe your eyes, trust your heart."
Alternative Tagline: "You know what they say about men with big feet."

Amen, Replica. Amen.

Yeah, Justin Knowles! Sappy McSapper has your number!
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 20, 2009 4:40 PM

Knowles *snort*

Is it wrong that I just pictured Dustin in the leotard from the Beyonce "Single Ladies" video?

Is it just here in the UK or is a large proportion of the love for the films groups of women going to watch this that are way above the target audience age? Plenty of women I know claim they like the films ironically (plenty also claim its because they think its the best thing ever). Heck nearly every woman I know is treating this like its a sex and the city marathon this weekend. Going in large packs to midnight showings and having a girly night out. Heck my sister's whole rugby team went to see it on a midnight showing.

Lets not worry too much about the teenage girls going to see its down to part peer pressure, part community experience, part staring at topless guys and part age. Yeah they may lack taste or be unable to adequately post in full sentences but thats part of being young and learning what not to do. They arent all taking it seriously and the ones that are will likely grow out of it. If a badly made film with CGI of a man turning into a wolf that looks like I made it in Paint is the worst we've gotta protect them from then it isnt too bad.

Seriously though my other little sister of fifteen years of age has been taken up in the swell of the craze and she's cool enough to literally face down a charging elephant.

On another tangent what is more difficult? Being a male obsessive or a female obsessive?(That is pop culture ie. star wars, trek, twilight) I always figured it was worse being a guy. There always seem to be far more girls with boyfriends than guys that have girlfriends. Plus when you find a girlfriend, a guy has to rescind his geek status and just obsess through the filter of a relationship... aye aye if i go on about obsession too much i'll sound like stephanie meyers or hopefully John Cusack in High Fidelity.

Heck nearly every woman I know is treating this like its a sex and the city marathon this weekend.

Oh, Christ, jim, don't steer us back there.

Fish in barrel, meet shotgun.

Snuggie, I'm in your court. Although my wicked smart teen daughter doesn't go for Twilight, she goes for all manner of other brain dead mainstream pop garbage- soap operas, reality tv (every variant of next top model, girls of the playboy-fucking-mansion, etc). She knows I hate the stuff, but condemnation of the show in question doesn't really work. I work the angle that "you're smarter than this, why bother?" Its just a phase that she is (thankfully) beginning to grow out of.

For as long as hormonal 13-16 year girls (in reality or at heart) have money, there will always be Twilight.

PS. Also, not fond of the teen menstruation angle. Call me repressed, but ick.

I'm all about getting kids to read. Just getting them started, even if the book is crap, is likely to generate interest in the act of reading itself. Maybe when they are more comfortable with reading they can start branching out and opening their minds.

See, I get that, but it still isn't a good excuse to me. Again, there are plenty of books that aren't as bad, that are just as accessible. We just had people on this site espousing the greatness of Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume during their formative years. There were tons of books before this came along; why does THIS in particular get all the attention?

And it isn't like the Twilighters are actively seeking out other books. Their lives revolve around this series. There is no reported run of these girls rushing for any book; they want THIS ONE. Only one. The only ones who seem to avoid being enraptured are people who were readers already. So what good is hoping they read more when they only want one book over and over again?

Reading is fundamental. But my feeling is that if you are a teenager and Twilight is the reason you WANT to read (rather than any of the various other books, papers, comics, and other printed materials that you had to have encountered, even during your short time), then a) what in its disturbing imagery spoke to you so completely, and b) what took you so goddamn long?

I used to wonder what the hell made people love Harry Potter, then I read it, and I got it. It was engaging, and fun, and maybe not Shakespeare, but at least mentally stimulating. This stuff amounts to nothing more than every horrible fan fiction out there.

lonely, unpopular teenage boys practically invented it, and they're not regarded with half as much disdain in our culture, just a quaint, sheepish fondness and vague remembrance.

BWAHAHAHAAAAA. Tell me you're kidding. I was one of those lonely unpopular teenage boys (and still two of those), I can assure you that at no time, in the history of the world, is that statement in any way true. It is practically a national pastime to ridicule the geeks amongst us.

Star Wars has a devoted following, but most of the time, it more to the idea of Star Wars rather than the actual movies. It engages the imagination, and makes people of both genders want to be heroes. This stuff makes girls want to be trophies to abusive guys. There just isn't any comparison.

And really, Revenge of the Sith was your choice for fan comparison? 90% of the people who watched Revenge of the Sith were people who loved the original trilogy and was hoping beyond hope that Lucas could pull up from his prequel nosedive. The devotion is to the original trilogy, with a few sympathetic nods to those prequels.

Why do you think there are grown men who to this day still buy Heavy Metal wall calendars for proud display in their cubes and sexually submissive Mary Jane and Bikini Leia figurines to guard them while they violently masturbate to fantasies about fictional women dream sweet dreams?

Any male who does that will at least bust his nut and go to sleep. And he definitely won't try to recruit others to do it with him. These girls get the same stimulation, but they willingly abstain from expressing it, because the pain is part of the attraction. They want to hurt, and they want others to hurt alongside them.

well, i'll make the atheist version.

when i read reviews of this twilight crap, i'm so happy that i grew up with S.E. Hinton and the flicks that she inspired.

Whatever about all this Twilight business. Black Dynamite is finally opening in Minneapolis tonight. Jive turkeys...

As for teen girls freaking out about various media...why is Twilight getting the shit end of the stick? Anybody remember Beatle Mania? That was a whole phenomena. And don't go telling me that this was educational/intellectual music illiciting that kind of response.

Anybody remember Beatle Mania? That was a whole phenomena. And don't go telling me that this was educational/intellectual music illiciting that kind of response.

No, but it was for better reasons, like cute guys who also had really good music.

Beatlemania is probably a bad example, since they turned out to be pretty much the greatest band ever. I'd go with NKOTB for sheer crappy phenomena.

"What's a nubian?"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Those movies are saying that deep down, we all wants to be white!

popejenn has a point. I'm tempted to disregard it, because clearly, she's suffering from some sort of severe head trauma, but still...there's a kernel in there.

Young ladies do tend to form inconceivably piss-poor attractions to one dimensional material. It's upsetting that we apply vast universes of meaning to the flimsiest of ephemera, but there it is.

I won't grant her the Beatles, though, nor even the Monkees. Cassidy...yes.

Ok, ok...I'll hand you that the Beatles' music is good and relevent on more than just what I used it for.
...NKOTB, yes. Same with Backstreet Boys...
I think it's all about the unattainable. And the thought that this girl, as a special little snowflake, can be the ONE to have it all.

I was thinking about how to interject a point amidst all this bitching but I think Stardust already nailed it above.

The real problem isn't tween girls getting worked up into a squeeing fit over this movie- they are tween girls, that's what they do- the real problem is the general lack of positive role models, healthy relationships, parental guidance and general perspective anywhere in their lives. I would happily take my daughter to a movie like Twilight because the next stop would be going out for milk and pie where we would talk about what is and is not healthy in a relationship.

But you can't pin it all on the Twilight Saga, we've been feeding our girls negative and harmful images almost non-stop since I don't know when. This is just the latest example.

The three things that keep me happy in this world are The Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers, Dustin's reviews of shitty movies, and fantasizing about going out with Sarah Michelle Geller, and then murdering Robert Pattison and Stephanie Meyer with a chainsaw while naked.

Best... sex... ever....

And I semi-stick by my Beatlemania reference because that was the first time it was acceptable for women to behave that way in public...about ANYTHING. Death in the family? Stiff upper lip. Exciting trip? Steady as she goes.
It's like 200 years worth of pent-up frustration coming out in one go. (insert busting a nut joke here)

Conversation overheard after Twilight premier (on the radio fuckers. Of course I wasn't there):

Mother: No I loved it more!
Daughter: No I did!
Mother: You couldnt have, maybe when you grow up you'll be able to understand the romance and appreciate Bella's loss and the struggle they had because of their love, but until then you can't love it more than me.
Daughter: BUT I LOVE EDWARD!

As for getting kids to read, that's a slippery slope now. See, they're making movies, so why bother with the effort.

DING! Hello cheer1235! We greet you! Welcome to Pajiba!

There's nothing wrong with the movie

There sure was with the first one.

I hope cheer1235 isn't the only Twihard we collect from google. Her(his?) post is so awesome. I want to hug her(him?) and give her(him?) a nice warm cup of cocoa.

Scathing reviews. Bitchy people. Welcome to Pajiba.

Maybe they like the sexual tension because they don't wanna have sex yet and are more interested in what happens before the act itself.

You have a good point there, Sofia. Safe to say that a lot of Twilight fans are at that stage in their life. It's just a shame that this is the movie that they get - a bad plot, ridiculous characters, and a screwed up relationship. Young girls coming to terms with their sexuality deserve better than Stephanie Meyer's dreck.

@Fredo

How about Transformers? Is there anything in there that is remotely positive for girls? Basically they have no need for personality or character development and even if they flaunt themselves as sexual objects all they get out of the deal is look helpless and try not to get crushed by falling robots while waiting for dorky hero Shia Labeouf to give them the time of day.

JenVegas, was your calling Dustin "Justin" some kind of joke that I missed?
Also, to cheer1235 - This is what everyone does here. Everyone talks about movies (and other random crap). And when they're shitty and come from a shitty place (aka shitty novels written by a shitty human being), the conversation often gets more interesting. If you expected something else then it's probably you who needs to get a life, because you are paradoxically taking part in the comments of a movie review website while condemning others for doing it.

I think we all saw the glitteriest place to huff glitter from this week.

Also, I agree with what stardust said.

I'm pretty sure some motherfucker just compared Beatlemania to Twilight. The Beatles aren't even my favorite band (for those wondering, it's The Rolling Stones), and I'd still slather someone in bacon grease, and then throw them into the hyena pit at the zoo if they actually said that to me.

They're The Beatles, the only band so perfect, their concerts became fire hazards due to people cramming in to see them.

It inspired the same kind of devotion as Twilight

Ain't no fuckin ballpark. Ain't the same fuckin league, it ain't even the same fuckin sport.

George, I was referring to the REACTIONS to the two being similar. I in no way said that the two were on the same level. Read closer.

Huh, I thought there'd be more screaming, angry Twidiots by now. They must still be in the theatres trying to see who can watch it the most back to back without having to use the bathroom.

Well slap me silly and call me a tapir.
I did.
I would like to amend that statement then.
It's all about the REACTIONS.

Sofia: I'm trying to remember if Superbad had anything resembling the kind of audience reaction/interaction that Twilight has had.

Yeah. While I do confess I wanted to do quite dirty things with Emma Stone, I wasn't exactly running out to get menstrual blood on my pants. Honestly, I wasn't that enamored with Superbad when I finally saw it.

Excellent comparison though, at least with their targeting specific demographics than reactions. Both are pretty much the masturbatory fantasies of their respective audiences splayed on a big screen.

Maybe the issue you are seeing is that males are expected to be dumb and horny, and their movies reflect that. They want girls, it really doesn't matter why. We THEY don't need a good reason (although, if you have one, they are all ears).

Girls are considered more mature (I have no idea why) so their fantasies have to be as well. They have to know why they want this guy so much. It never occurs to them that they just might want a nice NIN-style animal-like fucking, no sir. Their lust has to be based on love, so they create all these elaborate stories to justify it.

Basically, men don't need a reason to fiddle their sticks, so their films don't give them one. Women (at least the Hollywood version) need every excuse in the book to do the same. The best things for these girls is to tell them "hey, it's okay to shake hands with the little man in the boat. Just don't break him off."

Buffy however....

Dirty little secret: I am not that big on Buffy. I mean, I get why folks are into it, I just never bothered to get worked up over it. Same thing with Angel. I just knew they were shows with amusing characters and some attractive women I wanted to see in not-so-various states of undress.

Now Firefly? Yeah, I'm its bitch, sue me.

admin, just give in to my contradictions. You'll be much better off for it.

Now Firefly? Yeah, I'm its bitch, sue me.

We're Whedon brothers then. I like to look at Alyson Hannigan...I just never want to watch anything she's in. Lots and lots of brunette actors do that to me. My life is harsh.

It's all about the REACTIONS.

Absolutely fair enough! As I think George Harrison said, the world used us as an excuse to go mad...and then blamed us for it.

Dwayne/Ellen

Who? Oh it's some Canadian thing, right?

I just want to say two things:

1) If you missed Mebe's comment above, scroll back up and find it. Goddamn you, Mebe, I will now be unable to look at John Lithgow without smirking.

2) I'm going to call him "Justin" from now on.

Yeah, just wanted to say the Sasquatch thing was pretty genius. Now that movie I might pay to see.

Who the hell knows them by their first names???

I like a bit of repartee myself. Naturally I'm a Cary Grant fan.

Oh no he DINT!

Brilliant review - very snarky and witty. I must correct you on one point though - Meyer's world of vampires doesn't say anything about vampirism by insemination! Edward doesn't sleep with Bella because of his old moralistic code, his fear that he'll hurt her, her being all fragile human and all and, oh yeah, Meyer is a Mormon and we can't have horny teenagers giving out the wrong msg, now can we?!

Before this literary pestilence known collectively as the "Twilight" saga came through, my wife was what I would consider to be the intellectually superior of the two of us, but somewhere along the line of her reading this crap she and her equally college educated friends became a bunch of drooling idiots going through a fangirl bean-flicking fest the likes of which has not been seen since New Kids On The Block ruled the airways.

I desperately tried to force myself to read these tomes of pseudo-emo drama, hoping beyond hoping that I could find even the slightest nugget of value within. I instead felt my IQ slipping ever so slowly lower before common sense kicked and forced me to put them down again. It wasn't just that the subject matter or storyline wasn't to my liking, the books were just poorly written to begin with and though they became longer with each volume, they didn't get any better. I understand people can get lost within a good book, but how so many regularly intelligent adults get caught up not just with one poorly written book- but an entire series, is beyond comprehension.

I don't which was more painful trying to read these books or sitting through the first movie with the love of my life and then having her twaddle on about how great it was afterwards. On any other occasion, feeling the cerebral balance shift to my favor might have been reason for celebration and chest thumping, but this had all the glory of winning an arm wrestling match to a terminal cancer patient.

I shudder knowing that I'm going to have to sit through a few more of these cinematic suppositories- because I have to. I think I'll start making plans for our vacation to Canton, OH next year.

Re: cheer12365,

You all need to get lives.
If you don't like twilight pogroms, burning crosses, battered women, etc. then don't fucking watch it.
There's nothing wrong with the movie, anything I like or believe and if people like the whole twilight series what I like and believe then that's what they like.
Get over it, be a little more mature, like me and grow up.

And there we have the articulate argument behind anti-intellectualism. Whether it's in support of racism, antisemitism, or some fundamentalist idea, like creationism, etc. There are many cogent, articulate commentators above who've rationally explained why they have problems with the books/movie. But they'll never get through to the brain of someone who doesn't want to think.

I don't quite get the severity of this review. Giving an honest effort to review a Twilight movie is like doing the same for a porn. It's not meant to be fine art or even passably decent cinema; it's profitable wish-fulfillment aimed solely at a select segment of the population. It succeeds in its purpose, but it certainly won't surpass any expectations.

Help somebody! I need advice. My daughter's birthday is coming up. She wants to see this. I'd rather cut my tongue out. She is not a really sociable child so she doesn't have anyone to go with and doesn't want to go by herself. SHE WANTS ME TO GO WITH HER!!!!!! It'll be bitch-ass evil of me to tell her no when thats all she wants for her birthdya but I just cant! I just can't! What do I do?? She doesn't even want me to drop her off while I watch something else. Its impossible. I'd normally tell her I could care less but its her birthday.. :(

Candy has the perfect comment diversion! What movie did you drag your parents to as a kid?
I bothered my parents into taking me to see more films than I care to admit to. In my head, I remember him taking me to Private Parts, The Cable Guy, and my mom to I Know What You Did Last Summer. In hindsight, I think they must have believed me retarded as hell for being excited about those movies.

I made my parents take me to see Working Girl. Harrison Ford, Sigourney Weaver, Melanie Griffith (before the crazy surgery)...my god. I'm going to have watch that again!

Good comment diversion Jim, my brother and I begged the old man to take us to see “The Octagon,” he did and to this day every time I see it I think about my old man.

P.S. I love you dad

i had previously no interest,was perfectly neutral about the twilight phenomenon-until i read the review (which i found very,er,pleasurable to read) and the many comments-clearly they're aiming for a narrow demographic,its near inevitable that someone like dustin would dislike it so much-this is no doubt market polarization,you'd like to push us into being fervent twilight haters,hence strengthening the pajiba community.

alas,at the end-i personally still don't give a shit,this stuff isn't made for me-but the best thing to come out of twilight for me,is dustin's review.

Good comment idea: Sad to say I made my mom take me to Duck Tails: The Movie. I haven't seen it since then, but something tells me it won't hold up. Sorry Ma.

Candy God bless America, just GO. I mean, really, haven't there been far worse things you've done as a parent? Colic? Teething? Emergency room visits? That stuff couldn't have been fun. Suffering through all those God-awful cartoons and kiddie movies?

CHUCK E. CHEESE? Need I say more? That's a fucking BEATING.

Just take her. Sometimes doing things you don't enjoy is just part of being a parent. Then thank your lucky stars all she wanted to do was see a Twilight movie with her mom. I mean, she doesn't want a 3GS white 32G iphone, right? She doesn't want a belly button piercing, yes?

Just go. You'll live.

I took my daughter to a Power Rangers movie she wanted to see. It was thunderous stupid nonsense, except for the (I think) alien chick wearing next to nothing and the one good line (paraphrasing):

"Taking over the universe is easy. Finding someone to run it for you, THAT'S the killer."

Her tastes improved considerably after that, thank Godtupus.

Hold your nose, Candy, and pray as hard as you can to whatever diety you bow to that you get as much out of "New Moon" as I got out of the PR.

Were I not a brokeass broke secretary, I would be bankrolling "Musk at Dusk" in an instant!

It's just horrible. It is. You know what else is? I own Duran Duran albums. Like since I was ELEVEN! And in December four of us went to see them live, and some how because my friend Mary is in local theater, got front row tickets in front of John Taylor's basscrotch. Ho Mah Gawd!

Not even Corporal Jackhammer sends me to work looking more raggedy the next day. For serious.

Disclaimer: I would still rather watch a Harmony Korine/Todd Solondz/Precious Marathon than watch this movie.

Dear Mr Dustin Rowles, Hater in the Extreme.
I think you missed the point of this movie, which is that love is more important than anything, even life (evidenced by Bella's willingness to give up her own life in order to be with Edward forever). What is wrong with that message? Why do you insist on calling anyone who loves this movie and it's message of openminded love a 'tweehard'? (Also, that word is very offensive, both to me and to retards themselves. You should think more carefully about the words that you use and they're affect on others).
I come to the conclusion, after reading your 'scathing and bitchy' review, that you were first of all never a teenager and second of all that you have never experienced true love. And that makes me sad for you. Because if you had ever been/experienced either of those two things, then you would understand the depth of feeling that motivates Bella's actions: she is dead inside when Edward is not with her, and it takes his presence and undying eternal love to bring her back to life. (Yes, it takes an Undead Person to bring her back to life. It's called a metaphor, douchebag, look it up).
Apart from you obviously being dead inside (not in the good way, like Edward, but in a hollow-frozen-my-mommy-never-loved-me kind of way) and being offensive to retards, I also found your continued references to Twilight fans excreting glitter-infused bodily fluids to be both disgusting, offensive and a really stupid metaphor. First of all, Edward glitters when he is touched by sunlight not because he's horny, which anyone who knows anything about vampires would understand. Second of all, Edward and Bella's love is not all horny and disgusting like you mention, it is a transcendental love. Clearly you have never experuinecd such love (as previously established) so I wouldn't expect you to understand this. Also, I have read all of the Twilight books, and they have never had anal sex. Maybe that's what you're brain jumps towards first though because that's all you can get yourself because no right-minded female would let your 'scathing and bitchy' and pseudo-intellectual peep into her ladygarden.
Finally, I find your criticisms of Ms Meyer to be really repulsive and objectionable. Her writing is so wonderful and brilliant - why else would millions and muillions of people around the world be reading her works and loving every word of it. She is like Shakespeare for the new generation: at first ridiculed by those who didn't understand, but future generatiosn will apprectiate the depth of the unrequited love expressed wihtin the stories (ie, if that was too hard for you to follow Mr D (That's D for douche, not D for Dustin) here it is in simple talk: Twilight is the new Romeo and Juliet. And the fact that you can't see it means that future generatiosn will look back on you and laugh at how you thought the w0orld was flat and how you ridiculed those who had realized that it was round.)
So stop being such a hater. Try to keep your disgusting, horny mind and it's putrid thoughts to yourself instead of spilling it's ugly contents over all of us. You're review demonstrated your marked prejudices towards teenage girls, retards, Mormons, females in general and Twilight fans. I am so sad for you. Maybe if you tried to have an open mind for once you could let some love into your life.
Also, dude, you're reviews could benefit from using a spellcheck and a theosaurus from time to time.

Also, dude, you're reviews could benefit from using a spellcheck and a theosaurus from time to time.

Posted by: Edward is Salvation at November 20, 2009 11:18 PM

Just remember to practice what you preach. A "Theosaurus" would have been useful in all four of my Theology classes back in college though. Unless that's a dinosaur.

I mean, behind this attitude is the assumption that teen girls are really easily influenced and well, just fucking stupid.

Really? Then why all the effort to market towards these girls in the first place? SOMEBODY is buying these books and tickets.

Then again, if these girls are indeed so difficult to reach, so difficult you are begging for a reason for them want to fricking READ (because they managed to make it to teenhood without developing a basic appreciation), then whatever manages to change their minds must be powerful indeed. You are talking about an entrenched attitude developed from childhood. These books are changing their actual psychology about reading.

I again ask: what about these books speaks to them, goes so deep to their core they change the very way they think about books, that they couldn't find it anywhere else?

This is not a case of some pre-schooler reading Dick and Jane. These are proto-adults who presumably will take over running the asylum soon. And the book being touted as the be all end all during the years they are at their most formative, the time where their brains start to settle into patterns of behavior and they begin to emulate adults, is THIS.

Entire generations have been shaped by the books they read during those years, good and bad. Acting like there is no ill effect, that what you read doesn't really matter in the long run, is "Fucking stupid".

And if reading Twilight makes them realize ... then I say halle-fucking-lujah. I used to BEG eighth graders to read. I was happy if they read Low Rider magazine on a regular basis. Just fucking READ. Then I'll steer ya to the good stuff, kid.

Has this happened yet? Even once? Have any of your students really shown any interest in any literature that isn't related to this series or anything like it? Have you yet been able to get them to read something that has only the barest connection to this nonsense? If you ahve, please enlighten me.

Oh, fuck no. I am NOT reading nearly 200 comments on MOTHERFUCKING TWILIGHT.

NO. I refuse. Shut the hell up this fucking piece of steaming crap is NOT WORTH THIS MUCH BULLSHIT.

figgy OUT.

Goddammit. I read the first few and you guys are rockin' it out.

I hate you guys sometimes.

Well lucky for us, no matter how bad it gets, you will never have to worry about becoming that.

Well, never worry about the latter, anyway.

Posted by: Undead Abomination #768921 (formerly Vermillion) at November 20, 2009 9:54 PM

------------------------------------------

ZING! soooooo sorry I'm not good looking enough for you, sweetheart.

/you're a total homo

A "Theosaurus"?

Oh that's choice! That's a winner right there!!!

I take anything I've ever said against the Twihards back. When they give me new words like theosaurus to use, how can I hate them?

Now is theosaurus a dinosaur god? Or is he just a really good speller?

Fredo, my research on the theosaurus has indicated that it was a prolific speller and correcter of grammar. In fact, if it was still in existence, I'm sure it'd tear off the roof to my house and eat me alive for writing such a horrifying sentence there.

*moist*

formerly Vermillion, I think the basic assumption that everyone seems to be making is that these teens are stagnant in their opinions/attitudes. They are not...think about the opinions you had as a 13-16 year old. Did you have ANY fucking idea what was going on outside of your own little dramatic universe?

You are assuming this is a mere fad. That these girls are just going to shrug their shoulders and walk away without any real memory of their obsession. And I hope to God that is true.

But this is proving to be far more than just some trend. We constantly sing the praises of all sorts of pop culture efflua that we supposedly grew out of. Those things made an indelible mark that continues to affect us to this day. Plus, as I said, it takes a hell of a shock to get people to change their minds about anything. It wasn't like NKOTB changed girls minds about music, or *insert your heartthrob here* changed mind about movies/TV/whatever. But if Snuggiepants is right, these books ARE changing their opinions on reading. Usually it takes a year or two of college to do that.

And if I take into account my feelings at that age, it freaks me out even more. Let's look at Star Wars, since it has been brought up. If you mean to tell me that these girls feel about Twilight what I felt about Star Wars then (or even what I still feel about it), that is some scary shit right there.

Star Wars spoke to me, about good and evil, about light and darkness, about fighting against insurmountable odds to save the fucking universe from a malevolent force out to enslave all. And it had swords made of laser. That was crackeroin to my puny teenage brain.

These books speak the same way to these girls, at least that is what I am being told. And that is fucking scary. Because the messages I am getting from them are not stuff I want to encourage. Even the more benign stuff about love and devotion is twisted into co-dependence and near addiction. Again, I just don't know what is so great about these books that we want to encourage girls to read them.

And again I say, if you defend Twilight, even as a reading tool, you can't then complain about the negative stereotyping and lack of female role models in other media. No more sniping Disney Princesses, no more complaining about fairy tales or romantic comedies or pulp novels or anything like that. Because as long as it gets the kids to read, then it is worth all the garbage being put into their heads, right?

Fredo, you know Johnny Ola don’t you?

But then going into the whole Star Wars thing, you knew it was fantasy. You were able to seperate those light saber battles from reality - I hope. :)
Maybe I'm just being a crazy optimist here (which is incredibly surprising considering I really dislike children and most parents raising spoiled brats), but I honestly believe that these girls are just living a fantasy for a short time, and then will go back to their ordinary lives...either picking up other books or not. It's an escape. Nothing more, nothing less.

Seriously, these books speak about NOTHING, they are about NOTHING, they are vacuous, as shallow as the generation they represent.

But then going into the whole Star Wars thing, you knew it was fantasy. You were able to seperate those light saber battles from reality - I hope. :)

Yeah, you have a point. I could just be just really cynical.

Then again, when you do take out the fantastic elements, you are still left with a story about heroism and fighting for right. Same with Harry Potter: you take out the magic, you still get a story about a kid growing up and coming into himself while struggling against evil.

But what do you get when you take all the sparkle out of Twilight?

Some of you guys act like you came out the womb reading War and Peace.

I believe I will see this pathetic excuse for entertainment at the movies for a different purpose then the first installment.

This time instead of how many times can I make the 13 year olds that surrounded me have bitch fits when I laughed through the not-intentionally-funny parts, bring a hip flask and partake in a modified drinking game.

The rules are simple: skull when the actor/actress/puppy-saurus stares intently or mumbles.

On second thoughts, better bring a couple. If I leave the movie theatre not in a drunken coma, in all good sense, ram my head repeatedly into the closest wall to let the last remaining brain cells fall out.

lilianna28, I think I love you. Carrie Prejaculate?? HAHAHAHAHA!

Vermillion, I have read the books, and I can take away cooperation between vampire and werewolf out of them (theme of tolerance). And I know how fucking LAME that sounds, but it is there.

Vermillion and Slim you two guys cool it, fuckin' Ali-Frazier over here. The Pounding at Pajiba.

Knife fight in the loading dock!!!!!!!

In the black corner, dressed like a bumblebee with stomach-high 80's jeans...he's a blast from the past, a literary fan, he enjoys his grammar, and is never too far from a good glass of Scotch.....Vermiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllliiooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

In the white corner, lookin all like Panama Jack, but without the hat, and with a badass dragon on his back, keeping the management and many an eloquent in check at all times.....the one, the only.....Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbado Slimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

Slim!!

Now the major question is, do I dress up like Michael DeLoreno from Head of the Class or do I go like Eric La Salle from Coming to America??? It's soo diificult!!! I don't no what it's like to be a black or a spanish!

Great analysis. Would like to add that it was so stupid it was funny. Particularily with all the squeals from the girls. I haven't laughed so much in a long time!

I'm going to give Vermillion what he wants:

PAJIBANS, COUNTRYMEN! I BARBADOSLIM, DECLARE:

Vermillion is RIGHT, always, he's eloquent, articulate and BETTER than EVERYONE, always about EVERYTHING.

/enjoy buddy

Oh and also, he's not a total homo.

/muah

Oh good, I was about to turn in and was afraid I was going to miss this part.

For those of your wondering, whenever Slim can't develop a logical or even coherent counter, he likes to do the sarcastic concession speech. I suppose it is to be a last "take that" by insinuating that he doesn't really care, even though he spent time and energy reading through comments in oder to craft the response.

As a secondary feature of the tactic, he tries to establish himself as the injured party, the mere mortal offering an opinion that was subsequently beaten out for him (as you all know, that is far from the truth)

It is his defense mechanism, like a skunk's spray. It is really fascinating if you think about it.

Right...but I have a very big knife. So I can make women scream about how "big" my dick is...and when the knife's big enough...who gives a fuck if I can use it. Ima cut a motherfucker.

Vermillion is RIGHT, always, he's eloquent, articulate and BETTER than EVERYONE, always about EVERYTHING.

I must point out that this has been said before, and yet you still insist on spreading the stupidity that emanates from the underdeveloped lump you call a brain.

I mean, if you are wrong, then you are wrong. It is okay.

And Vermillion is out.

It really doesn seem like it was inevitable. Vermillion did have a rough training camp. He wasn't out classed, just "out-viscioused".

Harold Letterman had the fight 49 - 46 going into the 6th.
Max Kellerman had it 50 - 45 and Burt Sugar had it the same as Letterman 49 - 46, all of them scoring for Vermillion.

Wait a minute....referee Mills Lane never counted the fighter out. He had to stop at 9. He had to stop at 9!!!!!

Barbado Slim never retreated to a neutral corner!!! Oh dear, what a mistake! Reminiscent Tyson v. Douglas in 1990!!!

Oh Slim may have given this one away here...he needs to be careful. Vermillion looks ready to keep swinging!

(TCFKAB), but you DID have a certain style back in the day, right? You had to have a particular pair of jeans, or a certain hairstyle... see what I'm trying to say? No? Well that's it. I'm cutting myself off the cold and flu meds.

Posted by: popejenn at November 21, 2009 12:01 AM
---
A "style"? Yeah, apparently I had a "style" that told girls "will give you genital warts and cancer of the vagooter." A "style"? I didn't have a fucking clue. School was boring and school was lonely and school was hell. I was smart but that's about all I had going for me. I wasn't cool and I wasn't athletic (though virtually every other guy near my age on my block was -- the three years I spent in high school two starting quarterbacks lived on my block, what are the odds, and what chance did I have?) and I had no idea how to relate to girls. They fascinated and intimidated me. I would have sold my mother for a girlfriend. The first two girls I asked to the prom turned me down.

Do I sound bitter? I'm still working up a good bitter 35 years later.

So forgive me and the millions of anonymous guys like me if we've both envious and angry that an asshole like Edward has a reasonably primo piece of tang that he manages with all his strength to resist, not to mention that Pattinson in real life is the wet dream come true for millions of teen girls AND THEIR FUCKING MOTHERS!

It's why despite the fun flirting many of us do here I am absolutely loyal to Mrs. , , who through some miracle still finds me attractive after 27 years.

Read here, friend, you and me are never going to have an intelligent debate (you've already stated that you think I'm a piece of shit)well the feeling is mutual.

I don't care about anything you have to say.

You work here, you don't LIKE ME? BAN ME. Otherwise, tell ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.

It's called greensickness, and it's a real problem. I'd know.

Hmmm don't remember running commentaries on offtopic comment bitchfights when I was reading Pajiba back when.

Come to think of it, I don't think there were actually any comments for the reviews back then either.

AvB, I read V.C. Andrews...hello attic incest, anyone? And I turned out...well...something.

I'm totally confused.

Of course you are. I will use smaller words next time.

Read here, friend, you and me are never going to have an intelligent debate (you've already stated that you think I'm a piece of shit)well the feeling is mutual.

See, that is the thing, it never had to be that way. I really didn't care about your little diatribes (whoops big word) your rants or your jokes. Peopel found you entertaining, I didn't.

But then you had to go and come after me, for no other reason than I disagreed with you. You could go on talking all the shit you wanted, and everyone just had to deal. And when I did call you on it, you would run away and act like everybody was ganging up on you.

So there was once a time I actually tried to treat everyone online with a modicum of respect, especially those I didn't agree with, because there was enough jackholes on the internet, and I didn't want to be one of them. I wanted to give you the same.

But you rejected it, over and over again. So I am not going to treat you like a human being anymore. I am going to do to you what you do to everyone else: act like your only purpose in life is to be fodder for my wit.

You work here, you don't LIKE ME? BAN ME. Otherwise, tell ME HOW MY ASS TASTES.

Ah yes, how brave. Daring me to ban you, as if a) I have the power, which I never insinuated I did or b) that I would presume to do so on another man's site. No matter if I have the ability or not, this is Dustin's place, and it's his call. And I respect his choices for the site, regardless if I agree with them or not.

And you couldn't be more transparent if you tried You really are jealous that I write the occasional piece. That I get actual bylines here. While you languish in the comments section, your great opinions held in check by a mere text box. How dare they!

Want to know how full of shit you really are? For all the posturing, all the crying about how unfair the site is to you, and how you want to pretend you are being so counter, the fact is, if you really hated everyone and everything on this site as much as you want us to think you do, you wouldn't keep coming back here, waiting for more.

You are Dustin's bitch.

Vermillion...Also, going back to the example of Star Wars and Harry Potter...there were all these kids who emulated, acted out and lived vicariously through the "evil" characters (Darth Vader, Darth Maul, Draco, etc). Does that mean they all grew up with those values? If so, then we have a lot more to worry about that a bunch of emotional teens.

See, that is a very key point. again, the main draw of those figures are the fantasy elements. Take away the red lightsabers and cool fighting moves and black capes and James Earl Jones, and there isn't much to emulate in Darth Vader/Maul.

Indeed if a child did express a desire to subjugate others, there is great cause for concern. But again, the difference is where the desire for emulation lies. I have yet to hear of a teen wanting to find a S.O. like Vader. Nobody is near-stalking David Prowse because they want his bebes. Again, once you take away the fantasy parts of the stories, what is really being taught?

Really why is it that with males, the viewers want to be the active characters, but with females, they wish to mate with them? Only on a handful of occasions have I ever heard a girl express a desire to be Hermione. But there are plenty of girls who want to date Draco, and will only use Hermione as a stand-in for themselves.

Guess Who, Oh, I was far from the only one. It just seems at the time like everyone else is having a better time than you. Like you I got around it, though apparently I'm not over it.

Anyway, the question on the floor was: Why such a backlash against "Twilight"? And I'm positing from my own experience that there's at least a little bit of envy hate in there, mostly from (it seems) the men.

Kristen Stewart is not a particularly awesome looking girl, but then most guys like me in high school knew that we had no chance whatsoever with the top tier awesome chicks and so scaled back our hopes to girls exactly like Bella, girls who didn't quite fit in either, who were not beautiful and were sorta mumbly and uncertain and lacked confidence, just like me.

So when someone like Edward has the chance to nail her and doesn't, we just can't help calling bullshit on the whole endeavor because WE'D have had her spread eagle in the backseat in a heartbeat, and THIS douchebag is a hero because he doesn't do that, and it PISSES US OFF.

...

Wow, I gotta drink weaker beer.

*eyes bottle of Great Lakes Christmas Ale*

Eh, no.

I was gonna leave it alone. I swear I was, but since I drank too much coffee and can't sleep, here goes:

Because if you had ever been/experienced either of those two things, then you would understand the depth of feeling that motivates Bella's actions: she is dead inside when Edward is not with her, and it takes his presence and undying eternal love to bring her back to life.

The level of pathetic stupidity here is astounding. The idea that a woman should define herself solely by whether or not a man "loves" her is horrific. She obsesses over a guy who left her, to the point where she endangers her life repeatedly so she can hear his voice (in the books - yes I read them; it was an assignment) in her head. It was a delusion - a psychotic episode. Is that your idea of true love? Because I've been happily married to the love of my life for 17 years, and when we've been apart due to circumstances beyond our control, neither one of us ever considered killing ourselves.

When I was a teenager and my first love went away, we wrote letters to express our feelings. I ran up an obscene phone bill (before the advent of unlimited long distance), then spent all my savings to go visit him. And then he broke my heart and I went home. Strangely, despite knowing I would never see him again, I did not once think about doing dangerous shit in the hopes that he would change his mind and rescue me. Instead, I grew up, dated other people, and found someone who cares about me enough to stick around, even when times are tough. That, little girl, is true love.

What is portrayed in Twilight is manipulative, abusive and sick. I feel bad for anyone who fails to see that. Chances are good that they won't figure it out in a real relationship until they have been badly hurt. And there is the insidious danger in these books, mistaking obsessive behavior for expressions of true love.

"otherwise ready to believe that teenage girls — and trust me, it’s 98 percent tweebags and their mothers — would so willingly give themselves over to this phenomenon."
Dustin you were obviously never forced to go to a Duran Duran show in the 80's! My best friend loooooved them and I just couldn't get through to her that they were basically crap back then.
And yes, I just seriously dated myself. I'm and old cranky bitch, what can I say?

...why is it that with males, the viewers want to be the active characters, but with females, they wish to mate with them?

...Are we going Darwinian now? Or anthropological? This debate could go on forever and include all sorts of disciples. I'm not sure I'm awake enough to go any further with this right now!

However, I did like the "theosaurus."

well i had to see it for myself! you tweens knock it off in here! i can hear you all the way over on facebook.

don't make me come back. i'll ssssslap you, i will.

I just want to toss into the mini-diversion that I made my dad take me to see A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. In the theater.

I love you, Dad!

Edward is Salvation at November 20, 2009 11:18 PM

"they're affect"

Oh, this isn't a whiny fight, Anna...it's a Friday.

That said, I'm throwing over gp for EiS. That was single-handedly the funniest thing I've read in just about forever.

New Moon and Twilight are eurasian propatainment junk that isn't being released in America. It's eurasian, NOT American, which explains everything about the failure of its boatshit marketing campaign. Taylor Lautner is a eurasian actor, NOT an actual American. This is why Twilight never sold in America and Americans have never even heard of the thing. This is no different than the way 2012 was made by eurasians, and NOT by Americans, and was never even seen in America.

Thanks Jerce, for the Kevin Smith link...fucking hilarious!

Mornin’ Vermillion, Jealousy? Dude to be honest I’m glad you have a gig, I couldn’t write a coherent column to save my life nor am I interested at all in writing for pajiba. My fun comes in commenting on what you guys write. Furthermore any old bum with a 56k dial can write the occasional “piece.” But hey, just keep thinking everyone is jealous of you, milk it for all you can.

Thanks Jerce, for the Kevin Smith link...fucking hilarious!

Damn I missed it the first go-round.

"I'll make you glisten and shiver!"

Hah!

I just couldn't get through to her that they were basically crap back then.

That's because you were wrong.

"Rio" is a good song.

So (to get back OT) is "Hungry Like the Wolf."

The Reflex is where it's at, guys.

Taylor Lautner is a eurasian actor, NOT an actual American.

YerAsian? Is that like when Miley Cyrus makes squinty eyes?

Note: I can only speak for myself and I can only judge something's worth by my own standards.

I am the 25 year old female that went to see the first film (Twilight). I hated it; horrible acting, dumb plot, don't-want-to-follow-it storyline, and yet, I was urged by a co-worker that the books would be better. So, I read the books (all of them) and I liked them. I liked them the same way someone might like to sit and stare idly in front of the TV. They do not open your mind or make you think (AT ALL), and that is why I liked them. They were a shot of Novocain straight to the brain, that numbs the mind and body in the same way that "vegging" in front of the damn television does. The books are stupid sitcoms that every once-in-awhile you just love to shut yourself down with. They have the same nagging need for attention as do the inevitable string of bad TV. As, for the movies, I have only seen the first, and it did not have the same numbing feeling. It was so awful that the only reason I will see the second (New Moon), is to see if it is any better. But, I'm smarter this time. I refuse to pay the soaring price of theater tickets. I'll just wait until I can rent it. You may think it would be smarter to not waste the money, but then I wouldn't know if I thought it was better or worse.
So to summarize:
-Twilight Saga Books = Pleasant Novocain
-Twilight Movie = Intolerable Shit
-I can't resist the appeal of judgment for the New Moon Movie (but can spare myself at least $7 and endure a little wait time)

As for the Twilight Craze, "Here's to hoping it will soon fizzle out and not cause any permanent damage."

But on that note, Figs, then adults are engaging in the same behaviour as those Twilight-readers... so being scared for the teens is a fruitless endeavour.

becks: I guess the question is are the Twihards going to build their own reading preferences? Or are they going to pick up whatever the next trendy book is, regardless of its quality?

Ha Ha Ha...So, Edward is Salvation, you think he's an undead Jesus? Your post proves every point made against this series and more (i.e., warping young woman/girls expectations of love, letting others define your worth and value, etc.). I agree with Tyler DFC, it's a joke, right? Comparing Myers to Shakespeare is off the charts ridiculous. You really can't believe this crap, right?

Here's a snippet of your post with misspelling in bold:

"Finally, I find your criticisms of Ms. Meyer to be really repulsive and objectionable. Her writing is so wonderful and brilliant - why else would millions and muillions of people around the world be reading her works and loving every word of it. She is like Shakespeare for the new generation: at first ridiculed by those who didn't understand, but future generatiosn will apprectiate the depth of the unrequited love expressed wihtin the stories (ie, if that was too hard for you to follow Mr D (That's D for douche, not D for Dustin) here it is in simple talk: Twilight is the new Romeo and Juliet. And the fact that you can't see it means that future generatiosn will look back on you and laugh at how you thought the w0orld was flat and how you ridiculed those who had realized that it was round.)

Also, dude, you're reviews could benefit from using a spellcheck and a theosaurus from time to time.

Posted by: Edward is Salvation at November 20, 2009 11:18 PM"

Poor, silly little twitard, Edward isn't going to save you from the wake-up call you'll get if you ever enter an adult relationship.

Dear Sasquatch,
This is just a quick note to bring your attention to the fact that I was not involved in any idea to bring your epic story to the big screen.
Any mutilations should be sent directly to Mebe.
Many furry thanks,
popejenn

Well that's kind of the point, isn't it? I don't think anyone is worrying about people who are watching / reading Twilight for fun or to have an escape. It's more about the teenagers, or even their moms, who think the characters are ideal. It's about the people who think that the relationships in the book are perfect or even healthy. It's about young teenage girls getting some fulfillment from these books and movies that they haven't found anywhere else, for whatever reason. That's really the problem.

These kinds of teen romances existed LONG before these books ever came around, though. I mean, I think of all the teen drama from junior high and it seemed like it was the end of the world when your bf danced with your best friend at a school dance. It's that heightened state of emotions that teens go through, book or no book to influence them.

I certainly understand your point, and although I am not a parent I still worry about my female teenage relatives who are obsessed with it. I do remember all of the dumb stuff I was obsessed with as a teenager, and all of the drama. However I honestly don't remember having a relationship role model that was quite as bad, and as idealized, as the ones in Twilight. My younger cousins really think that the relationship in the books is perfect. I guess that was more of my point.
And thank goodness it isn't my job to rid the world of crap, I can't imagine a worse one. Where would one even start?

A salient point to indicate is that most adolescents (and pre-) will read this and it will be their first time reading something that "speaks to them", not reading along the lines of a textbook that has the correct answers for the test. This is something they will take as "profound" and "deep" and run with that, completely ignorant of the outer-world of literature and the literary discussions that pre-date them. Of course, their hormonal disproportion will cause them to not care because this is THEIR literature and, adults be damned, they WILL sit in their corners on rainy days thinking "profound" thoughts (read, solipsism) and identifying with the abstract characterizations of a "profoundly" superficial and repressed Mormon housewife.

God bless America.

Some days you just don't fancy steak, y'know?

Ridiculous. There's cheap steak too. It's like pizza, it's always good.

Jay
No. Sometimes you just don't want steak, good or bad. You want the dollar menu, prepackaged, ground beef, grease-fest, that you know isn't good for you, but is oh-so-good anyways. Get it?

For the "at least their reading" folks: I really do hope this does just end up like you say it will. We need to get something out of this dreck.

And now thanks to a previous poster, anytime some little brat wants to get in my little ones'* grill about their liking Naruto or Clone Wars, I can tell them to just say "You like Twilight? Then fuck off."

Well maybe not that last part. I don't think my siblings would appreciate me teaching their kids to swear at people. Not everyone can be admin.

Oh, yeah. This isn't just about the teens it's everyone. Actually I'm more scared of the Twimoms than the tweens. They're really fucking scary. At least teens have the excuse of being teens and kinda dumb.

Good point. These women should have already had the squeeing fangirl crushed out of them by now. These are the women we hear go through people's garbage for discarded samples of DNA and shit. That is way scarier.

Oh, and how can people mention Duran Duran and not even bring up "A View to a Kill"? Come on!

Ha! Thanks. Am I to understand the reference into the "single serving fast food" to be Twilight? And if so, please indulge me with the "mass of something" titles because I'm truly interested in what your idea of that would be. And if not -you're just bored and rambling like me- then thanks for the laugh. Colby-Jack is a good topping!

I must say, all after the fact and shit, this was probably one of my favorite comment threads ever.

You people are fucking bat-shit crazy, you argue like two geriatric ladies fighting to the death over the last box of Lady Esther Face Powder, and I'm firmly convinced that at least half of you don't even know where you are at any given time.

And, I love you.

Jay, I can't tell you how many times I've invited pain by eating an entire large pizza. It's amazing that I'm not 250 lbs by now.

L.O.V.E., I am SO there!
ps - please have your hair styled in an extremely messy bouffant.

Posted by: Smokin at November 21, 2009 2:59 PM

Careful now, this his how the last orgy started. Everybody was all "I love this place!", then there was a group hug, and people were started letting their hands kinda drift...then the next thing you know, you are painted black and white and hanging from a ceiling harness, with a rose in your mouth and a note saying "Thanks for being my Tuesday night Ling Ling, and let me know if my watch shows up again".

And then the smile is wiped off your face when you look at the signature - "Love, Conrad".

Excuse me for a moment.

/crying in the corner

Jay, I can't tell you how many times I've invited pain by eating an entire large pizza.

I...just did that yesterday.

/cries fat tears, like chubby rain they are

/Bowfinger rocks

/fart

I just resent how willing we are to buy what's on the shelf, instead of demanding a better product. I mean, marketers don't even have to try anymore.

We've accepted that we need to just jump on to whatever hits hardest, and try to do it first. What is the point of slapping our social synapses? Buying whatever, and no questioning. It's simple training and it's disconcerting that we allow it.

I think that it is simple crap, there always is crap on offer, there's nothing so bad about crap if it's part of an otherwise healthy diet - but the hype? How embarrassing! It's like we're so delighted by the social aspect that we've forgotten we've left our dignity in shreds.

Some days you just don't fancy steak, y'know?

On those days when your standards slip all the way down to "veggie dog," give me a call.

Sloppy joes
Slo-sloppy joes!

I like open-face Sloppy Joes myself, with a knife and a fork, and lightly toasted buns.

Mmmm. Mom food. Takes ya years until you realize "hey, I LOVED that shit! How come I'm not making it for myself!"

Witness my pan-fried steak fries recently. These things come back to you. Those moments when you become your parents and you're grateful for it.

I hadda deal with this after that Beauty and the Beast TV show
...I...I...I'm SO sorry! I *loved* that show, and was devastated when it ended. It all stems back to my incredible girl-crush on Linda Hamilton and her amazing arms.
And don't tell me you didn't enjoy being mistaken for a star even just a LITTLE bit! C'mon. All Sasquatch have an ego. It's just hidden by all that hair.

Well, it's better than the Geico ads. But still, after Leonard Nemoy has narrated an hour special about you, everything else is just crap. Mmmm, Sasquatch like Spock!!! Wait, I think I've just outlined the worst fanfic ever...

...or the BEST, Sasquatch.
Wow, squeeee! I can't believe I am having a convo with the REALZ Sasquatch!!!

But still, after Leonard Nemoy has narrated an hour special about you

That was a kickass "In Search Of..."!

Oh, and I swear I had a Weekend Diversion in the can but maybe TPTB decided this thread was diversion enough, what with formerly Vermillion and BSlim squaring off in a steel cage match and Sasquatch showing up and all ... It's like waking up in a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

Ah, there it is.

Also, for vegetarians/vegans: Manmeat. High in protein, zero fat. No artificial sweeteners (whipped cream optional). Won't spoil if left out overnight.

Jay I loved In Search Of, Nimoy was the best narrator, I believed every thing he said when I was wee.

Since hairy men with big feet are the next big thing here is the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, cause it and Nimoy are awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04

(TCFKAB): you forgot "Twihard 2: TwiHarder"

Jesus soft-shoeing Christ, I just spent an hour reading this whole thread. I really need to get out of bed. And get myself fed. /slaps own wrist.

Hey, don't worry that everyone is reading Mein Kampf, it's just a fad. They'll keep it in perspective, you know.

Hey, they're just doing a little freebasing. Let the kid have a guilty pleasure.

If your kid is into fantasy, buy them fantasy. If your kid is into romance, buy them good romance.

Tell me one parent who thinks it's OK for their daughter to be falling asleep dreaming of being beaten and fucked by a monster whose child will one day reach through her womb and crack her spine. Because THAT is the endgame of Twilight. Your daughter is a vehicle for more monsters. She waited to have sex, and she was punished. She had the little monster baby, and it almost killed her. And her dickhead husband WHO HAD THE POWER THE ENTIRE TIME TO MAKE IT PAINLESS FOR HER, watches it all happen.

Defend that shit. Someone. Please. Tell me that's what all girls dream about so I can just say fuck it and ignore the XX forever.

mrcreosote pretty much said everything I was thinking.

Star Wars spoke to me, about good and evil, about light and darkness, about fighting against insurmountable odds to save the fucking universe from a malevolent force out to enslave all. And it had swords made of laser. That was crackeroin to my puny teenage brain.
posted by: Vermillion

The new trilogy also spoke to teenage girls but because of OTHER reasons. They responded to the tragic love story between Anakin and Padmé, and not just to what they saw in the movies, but also to what they read in the novels. Does that make them the wrong kind of fans? No, it doesn't. It just means they're intrested in other aspects of the Star Wars Saga. That doesn't make them dumb or stupid or means that we have to be worried about the youth of the world.

As for Twilight, while I do admit that typical fandom has turned into hysteria for some girls, I don't think we should be worried. They scream and faint and get tattoos to show their devotion to something that we may consider dumb as hell, but I don't think they care about what we think of them (and they shouldn't). They're reading books that speak to them, maybe because (like in Star Wars) they tell the story of forbidden love with a strong, dangerous guy, and he will save them from danger, but they (the girls) will save his doomed soul with their love. Of COURSE it will appeal to them.

Also keep in mind that Bella is an ordinary girl, and she gets noticed by the hottest guy in school. Teenage girls value that like gold because they want to matter, they want to be noticed, they want to feel special in an age where you're awkward as hell and hormonal and it's difficult to feel special.

Most of those teenage girls haven't experienced love themselves and they idealize it, and think that it has to be tragic and dramatic to count as real love, and they're years away from realizing that in the end it's much simpler than that. But until that happens, they'll adore Bella and Edward and Anakin and Padmé. Does it merit all the screaming? I'm just thrilled to see teenagers enthusiastic about anything, and when they start to annoy me I just blame it on their youth and innocence. Do they take things too far sometimes? Sure they do, but haven't we all?

Wait....I know nothing about the series. Who has a monster child and gets their spine cracked? Somebody tell me because I thought this was about Vampire teen angst. Innocent adolescent shit from a mormom or is moron. Do you mean I have to actually investigate these horrid books more? She's on New Moon. Thats the second one right? Do I have something to worry about? If I do, I'm taking the books away and buying her some Judy Blume novels whether she likes it or not. At least those have substance.

When I was her age, I had the complete set to Sweet Valley High (that tooks some years to collect and when I moved out my mom just gave them away within two weeks, BURN! ). Those were a lot of books that could've been made into some good movies, much unlke the short lived tv show.

Candy, the fourth book gets a bit graphic about the "birth" scene of Bella's vamp-human kid. There is nothing graphic about anything in the first 3 books. But you may want to check out the 4th book if you're concerned.

Sasquatch, you seem to have the jersey-speak down...perhaps you're spending a bit too much time there? Either that or you're flexing your pimp hand...

And actually I am curious as to what kind of business you're in that would allow you to write hair gel off as a business expense. Wait...are...you...KEN PAVES?!

Yossarian, my two comments aren't really related. I mentioned my daughter just because you wanted to know about the status of people commenting. My problem with the books and movies is the misuse of vampire canon. In making the books interesting to the targeted fans, the author has made vampires that frankly suck in all the wrong ways.

You really have to appreciate the Vampire marketing machine. They're basically cerebral zombies. You don't see these teenies getting all nipply over the dumb-jock illiterate class of the undead, but a little poetry reading and all of a sudden the undead are the sexiest fucking things around. Ironically, this is the exact opposite of my high school experience. What the fuck?

Hey, heynow Sasquatch isn't that kind of monster. Sasquatch likes long walks in the forest, expensive watches, Leonard Nemoy and the occasional deer carcass. Okay the deer carcass is pretty much an every day thing but still...DON'T JUDGE SASQUATCH!!!

Oh, and PJenn, Sasquatch is much better than Paves. Jessica Simpson? Please.

I ahh....seriously has anyone else had the pleasure of being a foot or less from John Taylor's Basscrotch? I'm never apologizing for not growing out of that, it didn't stunt my musical tastes, and if anyone calls Duran Duran crap, I will shiv you with a T-Bone like a histrionic Gerard Butler.

And those Flowers in the Attic Books were way twisted than Twilight. I read them until their plots degenerated to a ballerina hemmorhage sandwiched between a paper covers with a cutout cameo of ghostly Precious Moments figurines. Have you ever heard David Sedaris' bit about finding the compelling typo riddled porn-book in the woods.

PS I think its brilliant that BS and Verminion managed to make this thread into a meta- mini-teen hormonal satire of The Team Jacob/Team Edward theme. Unfortunately, the obeject of their affections Wendel is jazzed by neither and nobody is joining either team.

Oh and one more thing:

James Woods telling you exactly the real deal about vampires

I had to go find it. It's not a great movie but dammit if James Woods don't rock in it.

popejenn thanks. I'm gonna google/wiki it in a minute. I didn't know thta the books were getting into chilbearing teritory. I'm not sure I'm vomfortable with that. My daughter will be 13 but her 13 is different from my 13. Its simply not the same thing. I just watch her but at the same time I try not to assume too much about where she's at and what she thinks about life. I do know that I don't want her reading about sex and babies right now. If its out of times then thats one thing I'm comfortable with. I really wish she'd get into Harry Potter

I remember my cousin being really into those V.C. Andrews and Danielle Steele books and I hated them with a passion. Give me a Sidney Sheldon or a SVH book and I was happy

I'm writing and then reading and I'm not liking what I'm seeing concerning whats in these books. Here I am thinking its about some sloppy innocent teenage vampire romance and now I'm seeing all of this. I think the best think to do is have a talk with my daughter and lil cousins. None of us is paying attention to what they are reading. All we know is that they all tend to get quiet when reading which is something that is new for anyone with a teenager. Reading and silence is not the norm.

I guess its my fault for thinking a vampire series could be innocent

'Siiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng, blue silverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'.

That song wins at 'Duran Duran'.

Yossarian, I think a little clarification is in order. I am not advocating censorship in any way, nor am I begrudging anyone their cold-pizza enjoyments (the stuff you have no business messing with, and it will probably make you feel kinda sick afterwards, but you are hungry and you don't feel like a big to-do, so you grab whatever is in front of you, and it hits the spot for the time being). And Godtopus knows I am not trying to deny anybody their fandom.

I was just concerned about the attitude that these bad books are somehow redeemed for the fact that a bunch of teens decided that maybe reading wasn't all that bad. You would think there would be other books that could do the same, ones that don't require a commitment to enjoy. Like say, Harry Potter. It just seems like any decent message in these books could be found in so many others, without all the nausea-inducing aspects. I just wanted to know what made these books so worthy of acclaim and devotions where others failed.

I may have been a bit more animated about the subject than most, because while I don't have kids of my own, I do have a niece smack-dab in that age bracket. She is pretty much my shining star (and my Sith apprentice, but don't tell her that), and she is literally the only person in my family I really connect with. I don't have to worry that my interests are going to make her stare at me like I'm crazy, because she is right there with me. And she has developed into a fiercely independent and fairly awesome young woman (considering the gene pool, she really had no choice).

When I hear about girls her age losing their freaking minds about stuff like this, it is like a shot to the baby holsters. I know on an intellectual level that she can make her own decisions, but on an emotional level, I just can't help but be concerned. I mean, I took this girl to her first gaming convention, and she loved it. It may be selfish, but I just don't want to lose that connection to something this...ridiculous. And not just because of the massacre of classic supernatural lore.

But I do agree that the best thing for anyone to do when faced with such a situation is to talk with these girls first. Try to understand what is so appealing, and hopefully it isn't nearly as dire as it seems. And even if it is, you can still make a change before it becomes indelible.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up.

Oh, and she has seen the first film (no books yet). She said it was okay, but could have been a lot better. So I can breathe a little easier now.

Yossarian yo're not overstepping your boundaries. It should have been my business to know some of these things. She's at the age where she is impressionable so I appreciate knowing this. I mistakenly took it lightly. I thought is was stupid writing and that was all there was to it. I don't like the theme. I'm not the type of persond who would automatically think my daughter will lead her life through books but I do understand young people wanting fantasy to be reality.

At this point I know she'll be interested in boys soon so I have to talk to her and see where her mind is and what she feels liking someone should be like. I know its just a book but its also an influence

CANDY
Yossarian is completely right! 13? Come on! Have you talked to your daughter in the last 5 years? Kids learn about sex (however misguided) when they're 8 or 9 in schools these days. There are 13 yr olds having babies now. I don't care where your daughter goes to school, whether it in BFnowhere or urban central, these kids are exposed when they are young. It may be from something they saw on TV or read, something they overheard on the radio, or from another student. You NEED to talk to her NOW. DO NOT WAIT. And like Yossarian said, use the book to help you broach the subject -or anything else she's interested in that may have that kind of theme. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don't wait.
(And if you think I'm lying about the 8-9 years or mothers at 13, you should take a stroll through your local schools -I'm a teacher- or just ask your daughter, she probably knows more about what's going on than you think she does.)
I can't stress it enough. It is your responsibility as a parent to get involved in your child's life. TALK TO HER!

Candy
I have read the books and seen the first movie. There isn't anything in there I wouldn't let my 13yr old daughter read/watch, but you do have to suffer through them so you have things you can talk to your daughter about. Wouldn't you want to know what she's reading? Ask her about it, but don't get blown out of the water because you're not prepared to answer her questions.

Vermillion My 15 year old daughter has read all four books. Saw the first movie (hasn't seen this one yet, is grounded).

She's also read a ton of other books, some great, some classic, some fluff, some crap. (She's the daughter of an English teacher--reading is like breathing.)

Twilight doesn't seem to have affected her one way or the other, nor did I expect it to. I read them since she was reading them and failed to see what the big deal was either way (either OHMYGOD I LOVE IT or OHMYGOD IT'S GOING TO RUIN OUR DAUGHTERS!).

It was just....meh. She enjoyed them as pure fluff. Read them, put them away, and moved on to other stuff. The last book she read was Night by Elie Weisel. Probably far more disturbing, since it was true.

Yeah, Candy, instead of banning the books outright, I'd go over them and talk about the themes with your daughter, just like Yossarian recommended. Teachable moment FTW.

Ha! Loved most of the comments. I want to throw in my two cents as I saw the movie last night. I have to disagree with the review on two points. One, I think New Moon was much better than Twilight. I tried to slit my wrists watching the first movie but this one was enjoyable. A lot of half naked boys and the acting and action seemed much better.

Second, I think the reason Twilight has done so well is because of the casting. The whole general wish fulfillment premise isn’t new by any means but they chose two very average looking stars to play the roles. Normally in these types of movies the female/male lead is unbearably good looking. I think that’s why the crazy become so big for teenage girls who can imagine themselves in Bella’s shoes. They cast Ashlee Greene who is incredibly good looking as the best friend which again plays into the wish fantasy. I have to say I think the craze will pass and nothing will come of it. Teenage years are all about this kind of painful love and angst and I see nothing wrong with it. The ones that don't take it seriously are smart and will be smart after Twilight. The ones that take is seriously are stupid and would have been stupid with or without Twilight. You can't teach intelligence. You're born with it.

Though I will say this: if anyone were to let the books so heavily influence their lives, then I think it's true that some serious issues were already present and the books can't be blamed for "making" anyone do anything.

However, it's still an awful message and standard to even present as passionate romance to anyone.

I'm disgusted with almost all of you. I am sure there are comments to this review which would not fill me with loathing, but after reading two or three dozen of them, I decided it didn't matter.

I am disgusted with Dustin for enjoying his own ability to make putrid metaphors far too much. I am disgusted with him because I think he actually enjoyed this movie more than any 'twihard' because there's nothing he enjoys more than being obscene for a cause, and evidently this movie justified the crap he was aching to spew.

I am disgusted with those of you who bitch about the books being evil for teaching anti-feminist principles. Look, it's fluff, and while SOME weirdos do seem to believe it's modern day Shakespeare, most realize it is fluff, or will at least grow out of their adulation in due time.
And even if it WERE great literature, if every book promoted the exact same philosophies, what a sorry state the world would be in. Can't a book be counter-cultural, anti-social, completely wrong, WHATEVER-- without some self-proclaimed politically correct moral censor declaring it Bad for Womanhood? And no, I am not defending this drivel-- I haven't read it, I'm just as prejudiced against it as the next cynic, but GIVE ME A BREAK. It's teenage fiction. The heroine is named BELLA SWAN for pity's sake. Get over your righteous indignation and stop taking it so seriously. Most of you don't rant this much at a large variety of morally corrupt/corrupting influences, so it's amazing to me that so many people want to pin the grave responsibility of teaching the children about love and sex to a bit of lame teen fiction. Yeesh.
Well Yosarian said it better than me a few posts up.

Hey, Sasquatch is a beast of many talents! Tracer, you think the 'Squatch can't use a mangroomer with the best of them? Under all that fur are guns to shame a battleship, and a 12 pack baby!! Wait, wait that last sentence came out of the English to Jersey Shore dictionary. Still if someone wants to write a Yeti love story, the 'Squatch will star in the movie. Ruffled hair, rippling abs, and glitter? Nothing glitters like shiny, shiny fur. After it grows out. And is properly styled. MAKEUP!!!

I am disgusted with those of you who bitch about the books being evil for teaching anti-feminist principles. Look, it's fluff [...] I am not defending this drivel-- I haven't read it [...] Get over your righteous indignation...

Hmmmm.

400 comments deep. Wow.

All I have to say is R-Pattz rulez OMG you are all just hatering!

Toodles.

"I am disgusted with Dustin for enjoying his own ability to make putrid metaphors far too much."

Someone doesn't have enough GWAR in their diet.

Can't take the heat?

You know the rest.

Start with "Philosophy in the Bedroom".

"Apart from you obviously being dead inside (not in the good way, like Edward, but in a hollow-frozen-my-mommy-never-loved-me kind of way).."

OH. MY GOD. I can't believe someone actually wrote that. hAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

/WOW

What would Thomas Hardy say about this?

ashes, I am in total agreement with you.
...and I think I have an idea for who Sasquatch's love interest should be. ME. ONLY ME. /crazy possessiveness

"Apart from you obviously being dead inside (not in the good way, like Edward, but in a hollow-frozen-my-mommy-never-loved-me kind of way).."
----------------------------------------

OH. MY GOD. I can't believe someone actually wrote that. hAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by: BarbadoSlim

I couldn't believe it, either, and I'm still laughing about it.

Man, I wish I was dead inside in a good way...

I have had the TALK with my daughter. She's 13 going through womanhood. There is no way to avoid it. I also know that is the age when the sexually active hormones kick in so I have talked to her and I watch her and her interests in boys. Right now she has crushes so I'm waiting for the next phase. There is much you want to know and don't understand at that age. I have been clinical about it but I don't know how boys make her feel and what she feels going out with a boy would be like. I watch her because my mother never watched me or had any interest in what I was thinking at that age and this is the first and last time Im ever going to be a mother to a girl. Most of the time I know I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

If she's getting a skewed kind of example from a popular novel, then I need to know how she feels about the characters and if she thinks life is like that. I just thought it was a typical vampire romance novel done on a 'hip' teenage level. People giving birth to 'V' like babies and girls going mentally unstable because their boyfriend has disappeared doesn't sound healthy or romantic to me.

Its my bad for not asking her anything about what she was reading beyond my initial experience with the first few chapters of the first book. I was simply glad she picked up a book after years of trying to get her interested in something.

Hasn't Ms Meyer been accused of plagarism from several authors concerning her books? I forgot about that.

Sofia, I just want to say I hate/love you because thanks to you I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to find where the hell that comment was, because that shit is hilarious and it's better than mycurrent reading, entiled "Justice as Fair Reciprocity."

For everyone's enjoyment a repost of the next EE:

Dear Mr Dustin Rowles, Hater in the Extreme.
I think you missed the point of this movie, which is that love is more important than anything, even life (evidenced by Bella's willingness to give up her own life in order to be with Edward forever). What is wrong with that message? Why do you insist on calling anyone who loves this movie and it's message of openminded love a 'tweehard'? (Also, that word is very offensive, both to me and to retards themselves. You should think more carefully about the words that you use and they're affect on others).
I come to the conclusion, after reading your 'scathing and bitchy' review, that you were first of all never a teenager and second of all that you have never experienced true love. And that makes me sad for you. Because if you had ever been/experienced either of those two things, then you would understand the depth of feeling that motivates Bella's actions: she is dead inside when Edward is not with her, and it takes his presence and undying eternal love to bring her back to life. (Yes, it takes an Undead Person to bring her back to life. It's called a metaphor, douchebag, look it up).
Apart from you obviously being dead inside (not in the good way, like Edward, but in a hollow-frozen-my-mommy-never-loved-me kind of way) and being offensive to retards, I also found your continued references to Twilight fans excreting glitter-infused bodily fluids to be both disgusting, offensive and a really stupid metaphor. First of all, Edward glitters when he is touched by sunlight not because he's horny, which anyone who knows anything about vampires would understand. Second of all, Edward and Bella's love is not all horny and disgusting like you mention, it is a transcendental love. Clearly you have never experuinecd such love (as previously established) so I wouldn't expect you to understand this. Also, I have read all of the Twilight books, and they have never had anal sex. Maybe that's what you're brain jumps towards first though because that's all you can get yourself because no right-minded female would let your 'scathing and bitchy' and pseudo-intellectual peep into her ladygarden.
Finally, I find your criticisms of Ms Meyer to be really repulsive and objectionable. Her writing is so wonderful and brilliant - why else would millions and muillions of people around the world be reading her works and loving every word of it. She is like Shakespeare for the new generation: at first ridiculed by those who didn't understand, but future generatiosn will apprectiate the depth of the unrequited love expressed wihtin the stories (ie, if that was too hard for you to follow Mr D (That's D for douche, not D for Dustin) here it is in simple talk: Twilight is the new Romeo and Juliet. And the fact that you can't see it means that future generatiosn will look back on you and laugh at how you thought the w0orld was flat and how you ridiculed those who had realized that it was round.)
So stop being such a hater. Try to keep your disgusting, horny mind and it's putrid thoughts to yourself instead of spilling it's ugly contents over all of us. You're review demonstrated your marked prejudices towards teenage girls, retards, Mormons, females in general and Twilight fans. I am so sad for you. Maybe if you tried to have an open mind for once you could let some love into your life.
Also, dude, you're reviews could benefit from using a spellcheck and a theosaurus from time to time.

Posted by: Edward is Salvation at November 20, 2009 11:18 PM

Love, love, love, love whoever did this! Please come out and allow yourself to be rewarded with all the just rewards you deserve (or your desert as John Rawls would say). Entertainment to the extreme!

No Katy that terrible homonculus is not Sasquatch. I have tried to give you all hints, but now I must reveal..That Sasquatch is in fact Karl Lagerfeld! How is it not obvious? Did you think fashion genius comes from you human meat peppers? It is the Karl with his magnificent hair, stuning sunglasses and firm grasp on the soul of all humankind! You want to write a book about a sparkly immortal who causes the women to despair if he does not love them? YOU WRITE ABOUT THE KARLSQUATCH!!!! Twilight and all of it's mania is as nothing next to the shepard's pie that would result if the touching story of the mountain fashion maven and the cloying mopy girl were to be laid before you mortals like a carpet runner made of fruit roll ups and asbinthe!! RPatz is a fetal Karl-perhaps with many more years of training, not bathing and a magnificent belt buckle collection he will touch the clementine of greatness that is THE KARLSQUATCH!!!

Karlsquatch, I think you are lying! Uncle Karl always speaks in crazy-talk. DELUSION.
And where is my marriage proposal, Karlsquatch? After ALL we've BEEN through?!

"What would Thomas Hardy say about this?"

He'd definitely say, "Too little, too late."

I think the only way this Justin Knowles fellow can atone for his egregious haterade is to do the Single Ladies dance. In a leotard. And glitter.

Whoa...lotta posts and I'm way late to respond to this. But thanks Snath, that was exactly my point. The kids who read this could be spending their time on the internet or playing video games or irritating me in the mall, but instead they're reading. When I was 12 this probably would have appealed to me, too. I find some value in the fact that it's getting kids to read.
You know what else-I am not going to lampoon someone who reads SP's book, either. That to me is just someone who wants to explore more documention of her idiocy.

Get over your righteous indignation...

Hmmmm.

*snort*

And the entertainment value is a lot of half naked boys? Chris Weitz told me this was a movie that also appealed to girls! Was he lying to me???

I am so bereft.

Oh, and already Pjenn there is more and healthier romance in just our exchanges than in the entire interaction between Edward and Bella. Truly penis ponies shall dance across the landscape, engorged and prancing, a visual which shall cause fear and consernation across the land. Really, though I'm a Fundamentalist Sasquatch, so the ceremony will have to take place in an ice cave, and will involve the ritual sacrifice of a wampa. They're tasty though, in spite of the smell.

Twilight?

Is that the one where that rapist looking douche seduces and abuses the vacent eyed pretty young thing of the week?

No wait, that's just every Dane Cook film.

$140 million. 3rd highest opening weekend of all time.

Godtopus, why hath thou desserted us?

Posted by: Fredo at November 22, 2009 8:32 PM

Verily, we have been rendered into biscuits. Sparkling dance biscuits!

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, awesome link, popejenn

Oh, Dustin.

I took my kids to see a matinee of Up yesterday and slipped out for a pee break right about the same time that New Moon was letting out. I was in my stall doing my thing when the restroom was suddenly packed with hyperventilating young women screaming at each other and the most common phrase to be heard was "Oh my god oh my god oh my GOD!"
I think the books/movies (well, the first one anyway, I did see it) are silly and sort of bad but I think the girls with their breathless giddy excitement about them is just so sweet. I love to see anyone get that excited about something, and a whole bunch of them in one little movie house restroom? I got a contact high!

I see what you are saying here, and you are totally right, the movies *are* ridiculous. But you are so "Kids these days" fist-shakey! When I was a teenager, it was NKOTB that the young women were getting all swooney and obsessive about (OK, not ME, but I'm a Paheebette, so that goes without saying, right? I had my glasses down on my nose, which was in turn stuck in a book)and NKOTB were just as mediocre and ridiculous as this new franchise. It is the way of the world.

Let's decontextualize this a bit: "...the most common phrase to be heard was "Oh my god oh my god oh my GOD!"

There, that's better.

Godtopus, why hath thou desserted us?

Posted by: Fredo at November 22, 2009 8:32 PM
---
I rather like it when Godtopus desserts us. Godtopus makes a killer banana cream pie and a pretty good chocolate mousse.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm chocolate mousse ...

Kelly, I'm sorry for my reckless assumption! I will not have your pure preteen love for a pretty non-threatening pop star marred by my comment and hearby redact the parts pertaining to NKOTB, and confess to anyone who has the time and energy to read this far down into the comment thread that I loved Shawn Cassidy,once, myself, and am not fit to judge.

Plus, and I know I'm going to hate myself for this, with all the talk of Star Wars and shit, no one's willing to discuss Harry Potter? I love me some HP, but it's a fairly similar fan reaction. The main difference is that Harry Potter had morals.

Well, GOOD morals, at least.

Plus, and this will be flogging a dead horse but I was gone and unable to comment on this all weekend, regarding the "it's just fun" debate, I've heard this argument so many times about so many different things, and I'm pro-media in almost every aspect. But we, as human beings, are always learning something. Whether we're in a class, at work, at home watching T.V., here on Pajiba, whatever, our brain chemistry is always changing.

Twilight has a message, it has an agenda, and no matter how poorly written the books or how poorly acted the movies, people are still latching onto it and taking that message to heart. I have a friend who for years discussed how she was just waiting for that right guy. When I asked her who that right guy was, she described a character from one of her favorite romance novels. A fictional character, and the description was so outrageously impossible I wanted to slap her uterus out of her body.

I sincerely hope that these kids will go on to read better books, but I know that most of them won't. Studies after Harry Potter came out showed that reading that series did not have a direct linkage to them wanting to read more books. I blame the educational system, I blame parents, I blame celebrities, but we can't expect one young adult book series to solve the problem, because it won't.

All we're getting from Twilight is four awful books, four awful movies, and millions of women who will allow themselves to be objectified and will lead awful lives as the men they "settle" for won't "save them" from their problems and they will die miserable and bitter, having begotten more children, whom they will teach about the lies that some great, handsome hero will come to save them from all their problems, only to have them settle for men who aren't sparkly vampires and lead awful lives, etc etc.

Unless you're right, and it's just a fad. But fads have an effect on us in the long term, even after we've grown out of them.

MELODY
go f yourself...
the whole theme of the Twilight Saga is EXACTLY the same theme as Romeo and Juliet.
It is not written at the same caliber, but the theme is the same. The next time you decide to shit on someone's opinion, make sure you have your opinions in check.

AdaHaze you are forgiven. And I still like you despite your unenthusiastic response to NKOTB :)

Also - Shawn Cassidy - hee!! Nerd!

the whole theme of the Twilight Saga is EXACTLY the same theme as Romeo and Juliet.

Um, have you actually read Romeo and Juliet? Because unless the Swans and the Cullens are on the verge of war... and there are actual moments of humor in the Twilight books... and they both DIE at the end...

No, Twilight is a different sort of tragedy altogether.

--pulls up a chair--

Hi,
(all) Hi.
I am here to confess something that embarrasses me.
(all) what do you want to confess?
I have a spouse...(sobbing)...that went to the midnight showing of this, sat through both movies and liked it. I am really ashamed and beg you and Godtopus for forgiveness.

--The assorted group says nothing (many with looks of distain, disbelief, and/or disgust)---

(On knees) She vowed to take my sons to see it when the crowds die down, I said after she contacted my divorce attorney.(true statement)

Does this retort save me?

Okay, Popejenn, I know this was discussed way back in this thread, but if Paul McCartney was alive to see you compare Beatlemania to Twilight, he'd die in a car accident and be replaced by a replicant version of himself all over again.
Posted by: Christian H.

...Uhhh, I'm pretty sure Paul is still kicking.

And actually, that's a good idea...Perhaps we should ask him about the comparison between girls' reactions to their concerts in the 60s and their reactions to the Twilight movies, books and actors.

P.S. In 1974 I broke my mother's favorite Fabian record and she cried like a goddamn baby. Get a Grip, people.

For
The
Love
Of
God.

460+ comments on this? I go away for 3 days and THIS is what y'all are up to.
Shame.

See what happens when you let women write?

go f yourself...
the whole theme of the Twilight Saga is EXACTLY the same theme as Romeo and Juliet.
It is not written at the same caliber, but the theme is the same. The next time you decide to shit on someone's opinion, make sure you have your opinions in check.

OH, this is rich. Twilight has the same theme? Are both of the main protagonists dead at the end? How many people are happy at the series conclusion? Murders of family members committed the protagonist? Are the protagonist's families at war with one another? Is there an arranged marriage and the faking of one's death?

If you can answer yes to EVERY question above, then, yes, Twilight has the same plot. The questions above illustrate the main points of Romeo and Juliet. I'd LOVE to see your response.

I hate to say this, but I can draw a fairly good comparison between Twilight and Romeo and Juliet. Both portray teenagers falling in love at first sight with no clear reason for why they are in love. Neither is an accurate depiction of real love, but rather an instant physical attraction with no actual thought behind it. And I would argue that in both stories the main characters end up dead, or undead in the case of Twilight. I am not saying that Twilight is any where near the same league as Romeo and Juliet. Hell, it isn't even the same sport. Stupid fluff versus great literature. But there are definite similarities in the basic plot of both stories.

Guys,
see the brighter side.
My lady never asked me to bite her neck before Twilight exists.
Now it does, and continues it sequels,
and all I gotta do for a perfect night is quoting few of the fadpire's lines.

ha ha you suck, clearly you are 15 and incapable of refuting all of the points I mentioned yourself. Morgan LaFei only took on the point about the protagonist ending up dead, with the reasoning that eternal life is the same as death.

Ha ha, if you are so intent on proving your point, take up your own battle.

[i]Wasn't ameagari the same one who raged against Prisco's Precious review the other day, while also not having read the review itself? If these are the same people then my day is made!

Sasquatch, is this you? tinyurl.com/yzjgvpu

Posted by: katy at November 22, 2009 4:22 PM[/i]

Two things.
I did read this review, I just didn't read all 300+ comments before I decided to comment, myself. I stated that pretty plainly.

No, it wasn't me on the "Precious" review. Sorry I don't get to make your day.♠

Romeo and Juliet actually knock boots.
= WIN by default.

Lindsey with an 'e' obviously didn't read the books.

And you are obviously an ignorant bitch who thinks she's making an important point about the plots of two very similar stories on a stupid blog

Hmmmm.

Ha! Touche ANA

That would be mistaking plot points for themes. Sorry thinking more critically and deeply is too much work for you, but it does support my opinion of people who actually think there's merit in any part of the Twilight series.

Candy, the above could stand as an answer to your question, as well. It makes money because it does not require you to think. The lead female is a cipher and the "heroes" are recycled from tropes even the romance novel industry rejected years ago.

While this is partially a ploy to see if we can get the comment thread over 500 (dubious)

Yes

Candy, the above could stand as an answer to your question, as well. It makes money because it does not require you to think. The lead female is a cipher and the "heroes" are recycled from tropes even the romance novel industry rejected years ago.

Posted by: Reba at November 25, 2009 1:42 PM

I suppose so. This and the Transformers franchise is making me worry about the taste of movie goers nowadays. I'm scared actually

@Morgan LaFai
Le comment numbers are under the post header / pic. I'm apparently going to be #490.

I'm actually a bit surprised that this thread got so few Twigh-twiddlers dropping
in to post. Guess the waters are just a wee bit too piranha infested for the amatuers [smile].

Ms MoMo, thank you. I am fairly new to the site and have only commented a couple of times. So going off the top number my post is 492. That is quit a lot of ranting about New Moon.

Coriolanus is the worst Shakespeare play, IMO. There is a reason no one puts it on. Romeo and Juliet is a lowest common denominator play, so I suppose in that regard it is not unlike Twilight. With the exception of being well written, thoughtful and full of exciting scenes. Not his best work, but still far superior to most of what we are sold as drama these days.

Reba:: Oh, his plays are by far superior to alot of what is written today (especially the stuff on the best seller list) but yeah Romeo and Juliet just never did anything for me. I know it was one of the first plays that actually made romance a central theme in a drama and that was supposed to be a breath through. I just ... well ... truth ... I just fucking hate Romeo so much. My god I wanted to stab him in the face every single page ...

I love Midsummers Night Dream. Favourite of Shakespeare's comedies.

Just got back from it up here in Canadialandistan. The entire theatre was laughing, so I can surmise that at least 200 teens in the great white north find these movies to be comedy rather than romantic gospel.

BAM!
500, bitchez!

Now go watch this movie. You know you wanna.

AMEN to Dustin. I saw the movie last week and walked out thinking "am I the only one who thought that was a barrel of Shite?" Kristen Stewart as Bella was the most self indulgent, morbid, poor excuse for an actress in this role, she represents everything a modern girl SHOULD NOT BE.(depressed, morbid, obsessed and downright boring with no substance). I could have obliged by donating blood after slitting my wrists from boredom a quarter way into the movie. AAAgh- its Mills and Boone vampires - WAKE UP WORLD

Since I've finally seen the film, I shall comment, although cannot be arsed to read through all of the above and this may have been said. I don't want to be defending Twilight really, but:

he loves her too much to damn her soul, so he won’t deflower her, which would turn her into a vampire

That's not why he won't sleep with her. Sex won't turn her into a vampire.

So, illogically and without much explanation, Team Edward relocates to Italy, so he can ask the Vampire Vatican (Michael Sheen) to kill him, leaving Bella to wallow catatonically in her own self-pity.

He doesn't go to Italy until he thinks Bella is dead, that's why he wants to kill himself, not just generally.

And now I feel dirty. It was ok as a film, lots of amusing bits, way too many shots of shirtless boys and they all looked freezing. Did love the Volturi though, they should be in it more. In fact, let's scrap Eclipse and just have The Volturi be the next film so Michael Sheen can camp it up some more.

My sister wanted $100 for me to take her, claiming she had to have dinner after the movie. I was tempted but declined.

I may try to bribe my daughter with buying it on dvd. Maybe both of them. Maybe I'll be off the hook that way. What's out today that I can convince her to watch instead? I haven't been hearing about anything good all week. Damn.

wow, Insomnia and a Sinus Infection can be useful. Having read all 4 books, I can agree Bella is one of the weakest 'heroine/narrators' I've witnessed in my 32 years of literacy. I actually enjoyed when Jacob takes up the reins for a bit somewhere later in the series; though his criticism of Bella's lack of backbone was a little Meta for me. Another series for young girls to avoid like the plague is the Lioness series, the author of whom escapes me. That gem features a female protagonist who; when unsure of the affections of her leige the Prince, decides that fucking him is the BEST way to ensure his attentions. Stick with Ella Enchanted, the NOVELP not the abomination of a movie. Overall: I'm pissed that Chris Weitz had to jump ship from Golden Compass, as _Hs Dark Materials_ had more to offer in one chapter than this 'Saga' ever will.

Twilight is the WORST ROMANCE story EVAR. Also Kristen Stewert and Robert Pattinson can't ACT FOR FUCKING SHIT.

Okay, so... I was practically President of my own personal Twilight Haters franchise... until about 2 weeks ago. I started getting really curious as to how this garbage someone started calling 'literature' and 'film' could suck in so many of my level-headed friends. I laughed in their faces, made genius level insults for the past 3 years, mocking their intelligence and their good sense. We are women in out late 20's/early 30's. We're so beyond getting dragged into high school romances with vampires. Aren't we?

Well, my interest was peaked. What was it? What was the draw? So I reluctantly (and covertly) purchased Twilight from the airport for my Thanksgiving flight on Wednesday. I'm quite embarrassed to say that I enjoyed the book. I flew threw over half the story (I can't in good conscious call it a novel) by the time I got to Dallas for my layover and decided New Moon would need to be purchased as well. I slid into a small news stand with the Best Sellers and while I would've felt better purchasing 'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy (and is hopefully going to redeem this lapse in judgment), I slid the second of the series slyly on the counter while avoiding all eye contact with the cashier. Making sure to hide the cover of the book as I took my seat, I finished the first of the 'saga'.

It confirmed everything I thought about these crazed teenagers and their moms from what has to be loveless marriages - it was terrible, but for some reason, I didn't care. I enjoyed the read. I did. It's shameful, but I'm only slightly less ashamed than I should be. (The one thing that kinda 'drove the stake in my heart' was deplaning and seeing an overweight 'goth' girl with multicolored hair, which I certainly have nothing against, whose ensemble made me hang my head. A too small for her torso Twilight shirt.... What have I done?)

I finished all 4 books in about 5 days and saw both movies. Before you judge me, I really think there is a way to look at these books (and if you really want to stretch it, the franchise)and appreciating them, without losing sight of just how sad they actually are. Like many others on Pajiba, I have been craving a good vampire/human love since we lost Buffy and Angel, who will always tug at and break my heart at the same time. (You can't tell me that the moment Buffy shoved that sword into a seconds old redeemed Angel with a soul to save Sunnydale and the world that a little part of you didn't weep. Or if you were like me, you physically wept.) True, Bella and Edward have no right to even come close to being compared to Buffy and Angel, or even Buffy and Spike. Neither of these relationships were co-dependent, Buffy was a strong woman that stayed true to herself, and the surrounding characters were equally intriguing.

Bella.... Oh Bella. The damsel in distress at first look. A girl damned to fall into the arms of danger and evil at every turn, but what many seem to miss and I think even the movies miss it (considering they leave out some fairly significant character development)is that she isn't afraid to confront the demons that stand before her. She is weak in one sense, but courageous in another. I think what catches these girls and women off guard and what they 'fall in love with' is a man who sees this woman that intrigues him despite how plain she is, how awkward and unconventional she is, and yet he still loves her and only her. He has looked past every other woman for 100 years and this insecure girl that buries herself in books and music and caring for her dad has pierced his (if he had one) soul. What girl/woman/whatever doesn't want to feel like one in a million and actually BE that one in a million for a 'bad boy' type that would move heaven and earth to keep her safe and put up with her crazy moments with nothing but reassuring words. Come on! Don't get me wrong, if this dude that professed his love for me one day and the left, breaking my heart, I most certainly would not be the one apologizing for his absence and taking every bit of every kind of blame on myself. Grow an effing spine Bella. The dude was an ass and he deserves to suffer for it a little. A lot. But seeing as this is fantasy - for teenagers - you have to cut it some slack.

To close this incredibly long explanation, which I think I'm trying to convince myself at the same time, it's maddening that such an unrealistic, elementary level story of love (as unhealthy as it may be)has garnered so much favor in the eyes of women, young and old alike, but as a single woman... it's always kind of nice to dream that even with all my shortcomings and ridiculous idiosyncrasies, there might be someone waiting to find me instead of the other way around.

Okay. I'm ready for the ridicule. I deserve it.

P.S. Dustin, I do have to admit.... GREAT review. I laughed throughout both films, but it was very good of you to acknowledge the amazing strengths behind both Jane and Aro's portrayals. Spot on. Prior to and even after reading these books, I'd been calling it emotional, abstinence porn in god knows how many ways, but your graphic masturbatory references put me to shame. Bravo.

Way to go! Most accurate, and hilarious Twilight review that I have read so far.

I don't get Twilight. I have never understood why a girl, (even a hormonal teenage girl), would be attracted to an admittedly undead cannibal.

Initially, Edward tells Bella that he was drawn to her because she smells good. Primal much?