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It Ain't Exactly Sparkle Motion: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Film Reviews | Comments (65)



breaking_dawn_chess.jpg

Yes, I drew the short straw. It was hardly a nubbin. Up front, I’ll just say that this review is spoiler laden, because let’s face it, you already know what’s going to happen because you’ve read the novels, or you have not the slightest intention of actually seeing this movie. Or at the very least, you’re going to see it out of some sense of irony just for the entertainment of it. In any case, given those realities of this particular film, it makes more sense to speak in specifics rather than vagaries. They can’t be spoilers if no one can be spoiled.

I come to this film having not seen the previous three films, because I am not a masochist and I did not previously draw the short straw. If that makes your face pucker, then I might suggest you are reading the wrong review on the wrong website. I get that some commitment to journalistic integrity and quality might suggest picking up those three previous DVDs in advance of viewing this film, but then a basic commitment to artistic integrity and quality precludes the existence of this entire series, so we’ll just call it even.

The midnight showing was not nearly as crowded as one might have expected. The mall had twelve screens playing Breaking Dawn, but it seemed that each was only about half full. That’s still a lot of people for a midnight showing, but hardly the frenzied camping out mentality conveyed by local news. So my city gained a few points of respect in my opinion.

The crowd seemed to be almost exclusively twenty-something women and boyfriends dragged along for good measure. Scattered applause and shouts erupted as the title card showed after several hours of trailers, but nothing like the glorious roar that shook the walls when Star Wars was re-released back in the mid-nineties. The loudest crowd contribution was a guy yelling “I love you Jacob!” in the silence after the title card applause, though he was promptly punched in the arm by his female companion. While there were quite a few people tittering in excitement and uttering animalistic squeals at points in the film, for the most part these women were in the company of at least a half dozen others who seemed more bemused than anything. My impression was that rather than a rabid horde of Twihards, most of the viewers were there because it was something to do.

The film itself was interesting in a sort of academic sense. Adaptations generally change the plot and story around however the directors sees fit, usually making a story worse. But for certain particularly beloved books, change must be kept to a minimum, because rather than the readers composing some small percentage of the film audience, the readership represents a massive proportion of the audience. That can be a great thing when it comes to a franchise like Harry Potter, where the source material is damned good, and so that imposed source fealty acts as a form of quality control. But directors of the Twilight franchise are doubly screwed. They are working with atrocious source material in addition to a requirement that they more or less stay faithful to it. This makes the Twilight films a sadistically interesting set of films. They hire talented directors, give them perfectly respectable budgets, and then tell them they can’t fix any of the problems with the story. It’s like hiring a world class chef, giving him the finest kitchen and ingredients, and then requiring him to prepare a menu composed entirely of sewage. It’s Iron Chef: Septic Tank.

Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters, Dreamgirls) is the talented director who got saddled with the final two films of this series. What is fascinating in watching the film is how it can be simultaneously excellently made, while being a terrible film. There’s something almost admirable about watching a talented director try to bend horrible source material into something watchable. The end result is a film that is actually gorgeously shot, even while the plot makes no sense whatsoever. Ironically, the most idiotic parts of the story end up being the best parts of the film. Take for example the imprinting of Jacob on the infant Renesmee. It’s a bit of plot that is at face value bizarre at best, and disturbing at worst. But Condon manages to twist it into something beautiful on screen, a vision of watching the child grow and defending and helping her, emphasizing whatever she needs. It’s a weird event, but Condon has just enough room to play with it that he can convert it into something intriguing rather than just creepy.

But of course, there’s only so much Condon can do when he is faced with the broader structures of the plot. The bottom line is that there is no conflict in the film that couldn’t be solved by four seconds of conversation. Werewolves want to kill the fetus because they think it will be an evil abomination! Um, the vampires are fully aware of this, and plan to kill the thing if it ends up being a monster. So … we’re all on the same page? The problem of course is that they have to fight because the book says they do, and there’s just no way to salvage the idiocy of fundamental plot points that can’t be altered without bring down the entire edifice of the film.

A case in point is the first half of the film in which Bella and Edward get married and go off to a hidden island to get their freak on. There is no conflict here, there is no story, it is just going through the motions of the events in the book. Readers of the book want to see that wedding, and want to see the sexing, so they have to be checked off. There is no getting around the fact that nothing is happening in all these scenes.

There is also no getting around the fact that Bella and Edward are not characters but blank slates. Their honeymoon consists of hiking and playing chess. They do not talk except about their drama. They have no interests, they have no future, they have no dreams. Fans have repeatedly emphasized that these blank slates are what is appealing about the characters, that they can map themselves onto the characters. But only being able to empathize with characters devoid of anything that might distinguish them as individuals is terribly emotionally immature. Empathy is the ability to empathize with those who are different, requiring them to be blank slates so that you don’t have to empathize with any degree of difference is just the softer side of sociopathy.

And here is where Condon most has his hands tied. He cannot add characterization, he cannot do anything to directly make Edward and Bella interesting characters. But what he can do is indirectly add emotional complexity to give some semblance of a third dimension. Rather than shooting the interactions between Edward and Bella straight up from the script, he shoots them as if they are both shy and nervous eighteen year old virgins. He takes the essentially castrated vampire element out of the equation and plays it more as a couple of naive kids who can’t quite figure out if their terror of sex outweighs their eagerness.

He is able to strip out some of the weird chauvinism of the novels, the brutality of the sex between Edward and Bella, and channel the tone into something not quite innocuous but at least mapping onto different metaphors. The oft-quoted criticism of the novels that this series for young girls features a male lead who terribly injures his lover, who then apologizes profusely on his behalf, is quite fair as being completely unacceptable. But Condon is at least able to soften this by focusing on Edward’s reluctance to have sex at all, in his abject terror at hurting Bella in the least. Whatever the back-story of the character says, Condon shoots these scenes, and Robert Pattinson acts in these scenes, as a naive kid who is terrified that whatever he does is going to hurt the girl he loves. And as disturbing as the subtext is in the novels, Condon does an excellent job of editing the subtext even if he’s not allowed to touch the text in any meaningful way.

Dracula and the nineteenth century resurgence of the vampire myth in the western world were invariably intertwined at least in the subconscious with the tension of Victorian moralistic repression and the simple desire for sex. Vampirism as a sexually transmitted disease was the deeper metaphor that rang in reader’s mind. Twilight has tapped into some strange similar vein, but with the messages mixed up. Sex is terrifying because it will hurt, pregnancy is terrifying because it will hurt. This story manages to out repress Victorian repression even in the midst of the archetypical myth the Victorian age generated to deal with that repression. That’s an achievement of sorts, as depressingly regressive as it is.

The long and short of it is that this is a terrible movie on its own merits. Yet it is also a supremely fascinating film on a meta level. Bill Condon deserves a Best Director award of some sort for this, sort of in the way that Peyton Manning deserves the MVP this year from the bench. The film might not be any good, but the way that Condon subtly tweaked anything that he actually had creative control over made for an impressive effort at the least.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a hopeless romantic and the last scion of Norse warriors and the forbidden elder gods. His novel, ramblings, and assorted fictions coalesce at www.burningviolin.com. You can email him here.









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Comments

In my high school's drama festival, I wrote and directed a play about an insanely talented director who was convinced to direct Twilight by his spoiled daughter and showed up to the filming drunk every day. We won every award we were eligible for. I like to imagine that the production of this movie worked much in the same way.

Posted by: A-schaef at November 18, 2011 7:23 PM

but then a basic commitment to artistic integrity and quality precludes the existence of this entire series, so we’ll just call it even.

*heart*

Posted by: Jerce at November 18, 2011 7:29 PM

I don't even believe you that it was bad. That's how thoughtful your review is.

Posted by: superasente at November 18, 2011 8:14 PM

I'd have to say, you've just indirectly summed up my complaints about first person shooter protagonists. I want a character, not another heroic mime, but whenever this issue is brought up, all the gamers shout it down because, dear lord! If the master chief does any more than grunt occasionally, I won't be able to put myself in his shoes!
Poppycock.

Posted by: Blake Shrapnel at November 18, 2011 8:43 PM

Taco Night: Breaking Wind, Fart One* sounds like more fun.

Fuck it, that's a great idea. I'm off to Baja Fresh. I wish they still made the Dos Manos Burrito. Fully loaded, that thing could turn me into a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker in 30 minutes. And what's more, it will usually get me evicted from the matrimonial bedroom for the night. Jeez, you involuntarily Dutch Oven your better half once in your sleep and you're branded for life. I'm surprised she doesn't make me wear a giant brown "F" on all my clothes. Better break out the ratty boxers in case I get skid marks.

*Yeah, yeah, I know it's not my best work.

Posted by: bleujayone at November 18, 2011 9:00 PM

Hmm. I was not expecting such a thoughtful review. And here I just want to know if the baby does indeed rip its fucking way out of Bella's belly or if they had to tone the insanity down for the movie.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 18, 2011 9:13 PM

for me it's not over till bella's paretns become vampire and jacob and renesmee grow up and have kids, grand kids and great grandkids that are part werewolf vampire and human.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at November 18, 2011 9:16 PM

Well, in marketizing this installment the earlier "Twilight - First Sparkle" - you know the one with Rambo - was on the cable tubes absent biohazard warnings. I don't see how that's allowed. Innocently channel hopping because I refuse to watch general audience commercials when Google, Apple, and Homeland Security all have complete dossiers of my habits, preferences and finances, I stumbled upon ... that.

I am now, sadly, no longer a Twilight-virgin. I found the experience as unorganized, tedious, shocking and ultimately unsatisfying as all to much first time sex between the overly romantic, inexperienced and uninformed. In small disconnected segments of all I could stand at one shot, sick fascination had me coming back a time or two. Even marveling at the badness quickly wore thin.

So, from this review I gather that this ... continues? It expands to something saga-like in clock time, not just subjective time?

You, sir, have my sympathy for taking one for the team, so to speak, and my admiration for finding something at least intriguing about the work. I, wimp that I am, fled in horror.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 18, 2011 9:31 PM

I heard from a co-worker today that her daughter is dragging her to this flick tonight.

The woman is Team Jacob, has not read the books, and does not know anything about how the Team Jacob vs. Team Edward thing gets resolved.

Monday should be interesting.

Posted by: eman at November 18, 2011 9:41 PM

I don't like this. You can't pat a man on the back for making something that is harmful and disgusting seem safer and more palatable. That's just diluting down the message to reach a wider audience.

I once did an interview with a very racist politician in this country (Australia). Or rather, I was on the phone with her as she screamed incoherently about Sudanese asylum seekers all being terrorists, AIDS carriers and genetically programmed to rape white women. I was told this, to inform me which direction we should be taking with a documentary my university class was making. We were also told that we couldn't quote her and she pulled out of the actual on camera interview, she had previously agreed to, when she figured out I wasn't one of her true believers.

This woman is now on our Celebrity Apprentice. She tells people she's not xenophobic. She acts like she's just a patriotic Australian and down-to-Earth "Aussie battler".

Her popularity is soaring. If she goes back into politics, she might have a shot. A lot of people will vote for her because they haven't had the benefit of hearing that vile and vitriolic rant I heard on the phone a couple of years ago.

Softening the awful Twilight ethos down to something less people are offended by, is sort of like that. There are going to be people who buy the books for their kids now, because at least they're reading and the movie wasn't that bad. And then we'll have a generation of girls (and perhaps worse, boys) who think the only real, passionate expressions of love are the rapey Jacob or bashy Edward styles. And that if love doesn't bring you intense pain, then you must not really be loving the right way.

Posted by: DarthBrookes at November 18, 2011 9:43 PM

At this point, I think everything that could be said about this clustefuck of a story has een said. Its stupidity is only matched by its success.

The one saving grace is that we are within 1 year of it going the fuck away forever -- to remain only in the fringes for the fanatics to continue talking/raving about.

Posted by: Fredo at November 18, 2011 9:56 PM

You made the movie palatable and I thought that as impossible.

Posted by: Tallulahc at November 18, 2011 10:06 PM

Excellently put - nice that it didn't just become indiscriminate yelling at the franchise, but rather a thoughtful examination of WHY the franchise is a failure in the first place.

Posted by: whatBENwatches at November 18, 2011 10:14 PM

If she'd married Jacob, they'd have played Yahtzee on the honeymoon.
Which would change everything.

Posted by: clocker at November 18, 2011 10:50 PM

@DarthBrookes
Please explain.

Posted by: lele at November 18, 2011 11:01 PM

Don't give a good god damn. This was actually a positive review.
Sunday bitches

Posted by: Daria at November 18, 2011 11:28 PM

I just wanna say Kstew is looking mighty fine in that picture.

Posted by: PG13 at November 19, 2011 12:44 AM

It is so funny that you mentioned Star Wars as I was just chatting with a friend about the Star Wars v. Twiligth geek offs. Though I have no desire to see the movie - and even if I did I couldn't because I boycott Mormons as they give money to the Mormon Church who are the single biggest activists against my equal rights - the demographics struck me as interesting. I had noticed in my early years when one still camped out on cold cement in what I call the pre-Fandango period, that it was mostly men who pursued the geeky pleasures of spending hours queuing to see the latest geeky movie at the earliest possible time on the biggest possible screen. Yet now there are large groups of women doing this. Though I don't entirely understand their choice of film, I applaud the decision to join the few, the proud, the geeky who queue for hours. Rock on women, let your demographic shine.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at November 19, 2011 1:16 AM

I am in the group of folks who have made an event of watching Twilight movies just so I can play the Edward Sparkles and Bella Bites Lip drinking games but I only ever watched these movies on DVD.

Tonight was the first time I actually went to a theater to partake in the Twilight watching experience (my sister dragged me to it and she was willing to pay so, eh) and I must say that absolutely nothing happened in this stupid movie, at least plot-wise, but dammit if I didn't leave that theater tipping my hat off to Bill Condon for actually making an interesting and downright gorgeous film. No, overall it's still a shitty movie because the source material is shitty, the acting is still atrocious, I did get a fit of the giggles about five times during IMPORTANT SERIOUS SCENES THAT WERE SERIOUS, YO but it's a testament to Bill Condon's talent that I still had a good time. So much gorgeous cinematography and there was a sense that Bill Condon was in on how ridiculous the whole premise of the Twilight series is but he's still a director and dammit if he wasn't going to direct the hell out of this stupid movie.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that, though I didn't love it I can't lie and say that I didn't enjoy it, if only for that one scene where Jacob FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY.

Note: I have never ready any Twilight books and no this movie did not change my mind about not being interested in picking one up now.

Posted by: smijca at November 19, 2011 1:40 AM

I refuse to watch or read anything Twilight related on principle. This review was a lot kinder and smarter than this drivel deserves. I did watch the first movie, just so I could make fun of it in all it's glory, and I will say that despite the worst writing and acting I have EVER seen, the movie's cinematography was gorgeous. So at least it's nice to look at. Now if they could just remove all of the people...

Posted by: jayem at November 19, 2011 2:01 AM

@DarthBrookes

I don't like it.

Posted by: Mit_Huffman at November 19, 2011 2:52 AM

Wow, I was not expecting the review for this movie to be so...eloquent. Or positive. I'll still never see the movie, but I enjoyed the heck out of the review. I'm also going to enjoy watching this series fade into teenage girl hysteria history, along with the backstreet boys and JTT and Lisa Frank. That'll be nice.
Also, I think that picture is the first one I've ever seen of anyone connected with this mess of drivel smiling. Well done, Bill Condon. It's like a Twilight miracle.

Posted by: BiblioGeek at November 19, 2011 2:54 AM

Worst movie I've seen in a long time. And I see A LOT of movies. I can't emphasize enough how little occurs plot-wise.

I mildly enjoyed the previous movies, even though it was brainless teenybop fluff (my enjoyment threshold is incredibly low).

I cannot imagine how any heterosexual male could see this movie and not be bored to tears.

Posted by: Leaf at November 19, 2011 3:00 AM

Steven, even though I hate the whole franchise, I admire how you didn't outright pan it but took pains to look at the optimistic side of trash. Well written review.

My daughter plans on going tomorrow with her cousins. I caved and gave her the money. I could've gotten all the hairs waxed on my body and I know I would've felt better but it's not about me, it's about my daughter and her teenage love of crappy novels turned to movies.

Posted by: Candy at November 19, 2011 3:02 AM

This was a fantastic review. That's all I have to say. Fantastic!

Posted by: Lauwer at November 19, 2011 4:19 AM

Add me to the never seeing the film gang. Also add me to list of thank yous for writing a thoughtful and fair review of a film so many will dismiss. It's easy to just bash something for the sake of bashing it. It's more rewarding to evaluate it fairly. I don't think a review that says the film is plotless and features characters who read like room temperature oatmeal can be called a positive review. That's like people saying any review of The Village that praised the original score was a positive review even when it took the twist, direction, and hammy performances to task.

Posted by: Robert at November 19, 2011 7:15 AM

"I cannot imagine how any heterosexual male could see this movie and not be bored to tears."

The only male I know of who has seen these movies without female involvement sees at least half of the 10 worst movies of the year. Likely owns copies of a number of them and hence watches them over and over. He also happens to be an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers.

Posted by: Matt at November 19, 2011 10:06 AM

That header pic is indeed the best I've seen Kristen Stewart look for some time. It's like she washed her hair in the week leading up to the wedding or something.

Posted by: Craig at November 19, 2011 10:20 AM

Sadly, not even the worst film in the multiplex where I saw it. With Tower Heist and Immortals playing alongside, the movie looked like Grand Illusion.

Posted by: richmond_Pope at November 19, 2011 11:01 AM

Posted by: Andypants at November 19, 2011 11:28 AM

Some good lines and points in this review...

My impression was that rather than a rabid horde of Twihards, most of the viewers were there because it was something to do.

They hire talented directors, give them perfectly respectable budgets, and then tell them they can’t fix any of the problems with the story. It’s like hiring a world class chef, giving him the finest kitchen and ingredients, and then requiring him to prepare a menu composed entirely of sewage. It’s Iron Chef: Septic Tank.

Empathy is the ability to empathize with those who are different, requiring them to be blank slates so that you don’t have to empathize with any degree of difference is just the softer side of sociopathy.

Bill Condon deserves a Best Director award of some sort for this, sort of in the way that Peyton Manning deserves the MVP this year from the bench.

I'm ready for this phenomenon to be over. I saw part of the first one on cable. That's probably about as far as I'll go, although I do have some curiosity about the portrayal of the sex, the birth, and the imprinting that I've heard people mock for a while now.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 19, 2011 11:52 AM

DeathCorleone, the sex, the birth and the imprinting were actually the highlights of the movie and that had everything to do with Bill Condon and his ability to, as Steve mentioned, rise above SM's terrible writing.

I'm still thinking about the imprinting a day later (I had to erase the birth from my mind because, C-section by way of vampire chomps? Gross)and I promise you that that is the creepiest/most hilarious movie scene you will ever see in your lifetime (if you so choose to eventually watch it).

My sister and I drove home in absolute silence, which was only broken by my occasional shouts of, "DUDE, HE FELL IN LOVE WITH A BABY!"

Posted by: smijca at November 19, 2011 1:26 PM

I found the way you managed to sugar-coat this turd very interesting. Thank you.

Posted by: The Wanderer at November 19, 2011 1:37 PM

My boyfriend told me the other day that he saw "that vampire movie" (meaning Twilight) and that he thought it was "not bad". Dealbreaker?

Posted by: embertine at November 19, 2011 2:16 PM

embertine: No. Because he thought it was "not bad" in the way that the few of us who aren't fans have stated that it was enjoyable: It is a f*cking crazy movie with ridiculous bedpost breaking scenes, a gory vampire C-section and the revelation that a werewolf is actually looking into the eyes of a baby and having an "I think I love you" moment. And, really, it's all Bill Condon's fault.

So, no. Unless he starts showing an interest in reading the books or reveals that he is Team Edward, then I wouldn't worry too much.

Posted by: smijca at November 19, 2011 2:37 PM

I saw this last night after reading the review, gf wanted too, and I was disappointed that he didn't sparkl, and Jacob wasn't half-naked. Where was the camp? They made the movie too serious which, for me, took the enjoyment out it. The last three movies pretended, or I hope it was pretend, to have that element. It still is a bad movie but this movie legitimized the whole sordid love triangle, can't live without you aspect.

If Bill had directed the first movie then I can see how it can potetially be something other than drivel but to followup with this. I'm kinda angry.

Posted by: Tallulahc at November 19, 2011 2:43 PM

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a damn magician.

Posted by: sunny at November 19, 2011 3:04 PM

Stewart actually looks really attractive in that header photo.

My penis is confused.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 19, 2011 3:30 PM

Mental masturbation for little girls.

Speaking of which, if the movie were as interesting as those shorts, I might be tempted.

Posted by: Protoguy at November 19, 2011 4:45 PM

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a damn magician.
Posted by: sunny at November 19, 2011 3:04 PM

Truth.

I love SLW's reviews. I was at the midnight premiere of Breaking Dawn (Harry Potter and Twilight is -- in the case of HP, was -- an annual event for us to meet at the same theater and catch up on each others' lives), but he put into words everything I believed the movie to be. It was completely stupid in terms of plot points, but it was just so damn beautiful to watch. The way the "venom" went through Bella was my favorite artistic part. Even when the wolf telepathy conversation was going on, the "this is so fucking stupid" thoughts in my mind were kept to a minimum. I want to say well done, but at the same time, I know the source material.

Also, did Twilight/SLW's review get compared to a racist Australian woman up there?

Posted by: duckandcover at November 19, 2011 4:57 PM

I can assure those of you that are finding Kristen Stewart looking so pretty in the header confusing that if you went to see the film you would feel much better as she looks ten times horrendous for about half the film after she gets preggers and the baby starts eating her insides. I almost admired her letting them do that to her face.

To answer another mentioned question in the comment, the birth scene is pretty much as written and one of the more horrifying things I have seen ever as it begins with the baby breaking her spine and ends with Edward chewing it out of her.

I thought this one was better than the last two but there were still moments that I found just so dull. Mainly the bits featuring Jacob and the wolves as the wolves are fairly pointless and Jacob is one of the most irritating characters we are supposed to love ever committed to page or screen.

I did think that at times there was quite believable chemistry between Pattinson and Stewart and although I had to watch the sex from behind my scarf, it could have been much worse and I agree that Condon managed to tone down the unpleasant elements of that whole situation and if he had left the bruises out entirely it would have been inoffensive.

It could have been at least 45 minutes shorter but I did enjoy watching it all in all, at times genuinely and at times because I couldn't stop laughing at it.

Posted by: sevenstories at November 19, 2011 5:04 PM

So what I'm getting from the review is that Bill Condon painted a Monet using a palate of feces? That defies comprehension, luckily I may be able to avoid seeing this...

Posted by: JJ at November 19, 2011 5:40 PM

Ya'll are missing the point of these films...to watch with the Rifftrax when it comes out on DVD. Seriously...its the guys from MST3K ripping on shitty modern movies. So we need crap like this for our enjoyment.

Posted by: Diablo at November 19, 2011 7:41 PM

I refuse to support this franchise, or that woman, with my money. In the vein of Napoleon Dynamite and Old School, it is garbage that shouldn't have made it onto the screen.

Posted by: Eric at November 19, 2011 10:57 PM

Spine breaking??? Anyway, there was much drama and moaning today. They couldn't find anyone to take them to the movies so they collectively decided to take their money and buy shoes. Ha, ha! I teased her all day from work about stupid vampire babies, etc.. I don't know if it was my teasing but she decided she wanted the shoes more. She also told me she's done with the franchise since she's not seeing this one in the theaters. I'm elated. She babysat with her cousins for two days in a row now so she's gonna get some cool new shoes with the movie money and whatever babysitting money she gets. Sensible, my child is growing up.

Posted by: Candy at November 20, 2011 2:31 AM

@DarthBrookes, I highly doubt Ms "Please Explain" Hanson will be returning to politics again anytime soon. Her past few bids for a seat in state government in either Queensland or NSW have failed miserably. I think we're safe in that regard. That said, knowing she wharrgarbled on about Sudanese refugees being AIDS-carrying rapists doesn't surprise me in the least. That so sounds like her.

Posted by: catatonia at November 20, 2011 7:02 AM

stephany meyer should get a pulitzer prize for the twilight books

Posted by: Utha Dynamo at November 20, 2011 10:47 AM

This is one of the most fascinating reviews I have ever read. I want a Stephen Lloyd Wilson app that can instantly analyze any piece of media so succintly, thoughtfully, and thoroughly.

Posted by: encre at November 20, 2011 2:42 PM

dude, meth-bella was awesome. a+ for visual effects.

Posted by: jvo at November 20, 2011 6:17 PM

If you need a plumbing contactor, you can find one very easily at onehourplumber.com

Posted by: Orlando Plumber at November 20, 2011 9:33 PM

You know what I really don´t get? Why do female devotees of this franchise drag their boyfriends with them to see it?

To me there are but two possible reasons:

1. They like to see them suffer.
2. They are incredibly inattentive and have no friends of their own.

Posted by: Qualtinger at November 21, 2011 4:13 AM

I had a boyfriend who tricked me into seeing Twilight, First Blood. I thought we were going to watch Transporter 2? 3?, but no, he wanted sparklies. Urp.

Posted by: Bob Frapples at November 21, 2011 12:02 PM

Thanks for the thoughtful review. It really irks me how critics are unleashing bile on something that while yes isn't the best (or even good at all really) and is aimed at teenage girls when the same sort of venom isn't directed at any of the many many shit films that are aimed at teenage boys. I mean is it really worse than Green Lantern? Or even crappy crappy Attack of the Clones for that matter? Those films get bad reviews sure, but people don't act like it's a cultural apocalypse at the release of each one. Why aren't we all saying "I don't watch the transformers movies on principal" or "I don't watch Michael Bay films on principal" (this is actually true for me). If you don't like Twilight fine, don't watch it, but don't go around slagging off anyone who does just for the sake of it. There is no cultural superiority in Star Wars or Star Trek or a lot of other comic book/fantasy movies it just so happens that this one is aimed at girls. I actually enjoy the fact that these films treat the male characters like pieces of meat the way Michael Bay did with Megan Fox and Rosie Megan Fox Substitute. For me, the films and the books are a guilty pleasure and I hate that I'm somehow looked down on because of it. I don't go off at my boyfriend because he enjoyed Fast Five or The Expendables when I thought they were both embarrassingly bad. Everyone just needs to get over it and start hating the next obvious target.

This is far more rant-like than I intended but I love how lots of film critics seem desperate to protect delicate young female minds from these terrible, unfeminist films but no-one seems to be trying to shelter young male minds from the sexist influence of Brett Ratner/Eli Roth/Michael Bay. And yes I know two wrongs don't make a right...I just like Twilight and Pajiba. I fear there is no place for me in the world.

Posted by: Katie at November 21, 2011 6:39 PM

I was gonna talk about the Smoking Gun article, but Katie made me change my mind. I have nothing left to say here....

Posted by: Candy at November 22, 2011 12:59 AM

Hi there can I reference some of the information here in this site if I provide a link back to your site?

Posted by: Gregorio Husein at November 22, 2011 4:08 AM

As the secret owner of this website I grant you full permission to reference anything you want. In fact I grant you the copyright of their (my) new logo. You may use it in all your in depth investigatory articles into the mystery that is "Who is Kim Kardassian?"

My guess is she's Neil Armstrong, hiding from those who have busted his so-called "Moon Landing" (more like "Studio Fake-ding" amirite?)

But I swear to God you'd better give us that link back. I will hunt your family down, Gregorio, I will make them see Hell and I will kill them, if you screw me (us).

Posted by: Ender at November 22, 2011 7:41 AM

"It really irks me how critics are unleashing bile on something that while yes isn't the best (or even good at all really) and is aimed at teenage girls when the same sort of venom isn't directed at any of the many many shit films that are aimed at teenage boys"

It seems like you've already decided on your conclusion here.

" I mean is it really worse than Green Lantern? Or even crappy crappy Attack of the Clones for that matter? Those films get bad reviews sure, but people don't act like it's a cultural apocalypse at the release of each one. Why aren't we all saying "I don't watch the transformers movies on principal" or "I don't watch Michael Bay films on principal" (this is actually true for me).

Is it? Yes. Yes, very much so. It's pernicious as it reinforces a common and dangerous cultural gender relationship stereotype that we're not half-done in rooting out of our culture, and appears to endorse many abuser-like behaviours. Green Lantern and Attack of the Clones are just bad films.
And lots of people do think Michael Bay films are bad in principle (as you admit doing yourself)

Also, it's creepy, sexual and it's women targetting women and it's aimed at our children (/young teenagers upwards). If Green Lantern was the story of a young man without much intelligence but some raw strength being 'harnessed' by a wily older women who uses her experience to manipulate him through his developing sexuality to get him to do her bidding - demanding he fight others on her behalf and then leave to let her do the thinking - and this was portrayed as 'amazing' 'so romantic' etc etc - then I bet you would see this kind of outrage.

"If you don't like Twilight fine, don't watch it, but don't go around slagging off anyone who does just for the sake of it"

This is an entirely reasonable statement. However the context of a post on a website where people aren't doing this (ht: they have reasons it's not just for the sake of it), it makes you look incredibly stupid and biased.

"There is no cultural superiority in Star Wars or Star Trek or a lot of other comic book/fantasy movies..."

Who said there was? Your rant is making you look stupider and more biased by the second

"...it just so happens that this one is aimed at girls."

Isn't this the conclusion you'd already decided on at the beginning of the post?

"I actually enjoy the fact that these films treat the male characters like pieces of meat the way Michael Bay did with Megan Fox and Rosie Megan Fox Substitute."

Yes, yes it was. And your bias is much clearer now.

"For me, the films and the books are a guilty pleasure and I hate that I'm somehow looked down on because of it."

Again... Why say this here? No-one is saying that everyone who enjoys Twilight as a guilty pleasure deserves to be looked down on.

"I don't go off at my boyfriend because he enjoyed Fast Five or The Expendables when I thought they were both embarrassingly bad."

That's because the argument is not just that they were bad. Are you sure you've ever read any criticism of Twilight? Because you've missed the point of all of it. It's bad in a different and worse way to films that are simply not good films.

"This is far more rant-like than I intended but I love how lots of film critics seem desperate to protect delicate young female minds from these terrible, unfeminist films..."

And yet you finish with this, demonstrating that you have read their criticisms - the ones you claimed didn't exist just above - and have simply ignored them/lied about them above, and are either stupid or dishonest.

... but no-one seems to be trying to shelter young male minds from the sexist influence of Brett Ratner/Eli Roth/Michael Bay.

Another clear falsehood - people do often talk about the pernicious sexist influence of that kind of media, and fret about it. But it's clear that they think that Twilight is worse - there is no reason for you to deny that they care just because you disagree about which is worse.

You should have thought your rant through a little better.

Posted by: Ender at November 22, 2011 11:50 AM

Excellent movie which I thoroughly enjoyed!

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Posted by: Mohammad Blasco at November 25, 2011 12:55 AM

It's pernicious as it reinforces a common and dangerous cultural gender relationship stereotype that we're not half-done in rooting out of our culture, and appears to endorse many abuser-like behaviours. Green Lantern and Attack of the Clones are just bad films.

This is exactly the kind of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching that Katie was talking about. Movies may send bad messages to boys but for girls, it's so much wooooorrrrrrse. The poor lambs. We can't allow their deepest, most atavistic anxieties about sex and childbirth and powerlessness to be acted out in front of them, heavens, no. We need to pretend that those feelings don't exist, for their own good.

Posted by: MaryRC at November 26, 2011 12:12 PM

I'd shaft Taylor Lautner in a heartbeat. Make him scream in ecstasy. I bet he's a dirty boy :)

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