Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Kristy Puchko | Film | June 12, 2017
Last weekend Universal attempted to relaunch their classic monsters franchise with the Tom Cruise-fronted The Mummy. But the negative reviews came fast and vicious. Our own Tori Preston lamented its confounding “plot with tomb-sized holes.” CBR called it “ugly, senseless, and boring,” and Hypable deemed it “everything wrong with the current state of cinema.” But none of the many, many, many pans of this deeply-flawed feature film compare to the hilarious and ruthless review comic book writer Gail Simone unleashed over the weekend.
It began innocently enough on Twitter.
We go see the Mummy.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
But things took a turn hard and fast. She pants a vivid picture so you too can know the sensation of seeing The Mummy without having to actually endure it. rush
So, THE MUMMY is like gluing a bunch of smoke alarms to your head while your ugly cousin whacks them with a wooden axe handle.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like lighting the fuse before you suddenly remember all the firecrackers are in your butt.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like that feeling when you think they are going to show Deuce Bigelow 2…and then they DO.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like dipping you contact lenses in cinnamon Pop Rocks while pantsless on the freeway.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you are starving and the only thing to eat is Taco Bell's new Cool Ranch Scrotal Value Menu.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you go to you high school reunion, and the hottest guy has turned into eight turds in a Glad bag.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
Pennywise the Clown looks at THE MUMMY's plot and says, "Guys, this is kind of mean to the audience."
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like you win a cruise, but you have to share your room with a volcano of snot and Wayne Brady.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like waiting your whole life for your honeymoon and then marrying a Howie Mandell impersonator.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like if you make an elementary school save all their used Band-aids in a jar and at the end of the year, you eat them cold.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like if you go for your check up and instead of a speculum, your ob/gyn uses a sweaty Keebler elf.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you finally get to third base, but it's with Jar Jar Binks and he's covered in mayonnaise and NASCAR decals.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like your best childhood Saturday morning, except the cartoon is Scrappy Doo and the cereal is Steve Bannon Toast Crunch.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is that one Night Gallery where a naked Sean Hannity finally comes out the other ear but OH NO he laid wet eggs in your brain.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is a lot like a festering groin wound but with fewer interesting characters.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when a melting, gelatinous Donald Trump insists you carry him around under your shirt for a week, 'marsupial nasty.'
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you search your kid's computer expecting porn and it's actually a spec script for RUSH HOUR 5.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
So, guys, guess what I saw?
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY!
I kinda liked it!
I feel like I might have sent some mixed messages about THE MUMMY.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
Sorry.
Seriously, The Mummy is kind of awful, but I still had fun. It's fun/awful. It's funful.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 11, 2017
Gail, we know you’re a super successful and influential comic book writer and everything. But if you ever want to pen some scathing reviews for a certain feminist hugbox, DM me. I have a sense you’d like it as an Overlord.
