"Loob My Boob, Skid-Tw*t"
There's a line somewhere between sex-positive feminism and meathead objectification, but fuck if I know where it is, or what side of the line Bitch Slap falls on. Is it OK to embrace a movie that features three kick-ass, gash-bashing, large-chested, cooterlicious women who can throw an elbow, blast a machine gun, and partake in each other's clam bake? Or should I feel bad about it because it's titillating, because it's red-meat soft-porn with explosions, and because three women who keep talking about how big their dicks are engaged in a sloppy, glistening water bucket fight before later shredding each other's clothes off with fists, teeth, and nails? I mean, they do kick in a lot of hyper-masculine teeth and dog-pound the shit out of the leering limp dicks before they visited each other's poot-tang valley. That's some riot grrrl shit right there; it's gotta count for something, right?
On the one hand, I want to applaud Bitch Slap for its shit-kicking femininity, its bold sexuality, and the way it embraces bullets and boobs in equal measure. But on the other hand, I can't tell if Bitch Slap is a movie or a 100-minute beer commercial. I'm appalled! And really turned on. Empowered? Exploitative? Damn my libido. You're fucking with my brain.
In either respect, it's something of a moot point since Bitch Slap is an irredeemably shitty movie. Except that it's obviously supposed to be, which makes it a success, right? Directed by Roger Corman protégé, Roger Jacobson, Bitch Slap is part sexploitation flick, part Corman B-movie and part "Xena: Warrior Princess" (many episodes of which Jacobson directed). There isn't a whit of intelligence to Bitch Slap, but it at least gets the other two Russ Meyers elements right: Large-breasted women and campy humor, over-acted by female actresses who don't know any better (or do they? Maybe they're just that good).
Bitch Slap stars Julia Voth, Erin Cummings ("Roadhouse Woman #2" in "Passions"), and America Olivo ("frisbee girl" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen). God knows what their character names are -- they only refer to each other in derogatory terms ("Cherry Pie," "Skittle Piss," "Blow White," "Skid Twat," "Camero,"); let's just refer to them by their bra size: DD, DDD, and DDDD. One is a down-and-out stripper; another is a drug-running killer and third is a sex-toy magnate. Or something.
When the movie opens, the women have driven to a trailer out in the desert, where they pull a kidnapped man out of their trunk and torture him for information on the whereabouts of something. Diamonds. Or a really big gun that could destroy a continent. It's hard to tell. Half of the action takes place out in the desert (sandy vaginas!), while the other half involves flashbacks in a Memento-like chronology, which are filmed mostly in front of CGI'd green screens, giving them the look of an extremely low-budget Sin City. The flashbacks mostly give the women an excuse to wear different outfits (snow bikinis, nurse uniform, a nun habit) while they beat the shit out of some asshole whose major fight move involves the breast-knead. Each of the women has a big secret, which allows them at various points in the movie to either fuck one another or knock the living mess out of one another. The irony, of course, is that the lesbian love scenes are almost identical to the fight scenes (right down to the muff dive/bite), only the sex scenes involve more hair, while the fight scenes involve a little more blood.
It's hard to say, really, where the plot ends up -- best I can tell, an extended 20-minute fight scene between the three women that heavily features the stunt-work of Zoe Bell. I couldn't really properly evaluate the sequence, however, as all the blood had rushed from my brain. All I know is this: Everyone in Bitch Slap survives at least one explosion; the slow-motion close-up shots on heaving breasts easily add half an hour to the run time; there's some dude whose nervous tic causes him to punch himself in the junk; and I learned a little bit about lesbian dry fucking. Oh, and Lucy Lawless plays a Nun, while Kevin Sorbo appeared to be filming most of his scenes from a remote location.
The irony of Bitch Slap is that, as bad as it is, it's probably exactly what Rick Jacobson set out to make, and precisely what the intended audience would want. The only question is, who is that intended audience? Third-wave feminists? Or the half-drunk men of Alpha Kappa Lamda? What do you think?
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. You can email him or leave a comment below.