Pajiba

this is interesting, because the trailer made me wonder how her stick arms could lift all those heavy weapons

Psst as if. She is barely mediocre

Angeleno Ewok, I could have written that comment. Same thing in my house, and I will inevitably end up watching it eventually on Netflix.

Or you and I can go together and revel in the glory that is Zoe Saldana kicking some ass! ;)

Header pic is from The Losers.

my thoughts exactly ugh god. fatten up a bit and then i'll start believing.

So back to the plot for a moment... If I'm reading that much of it correctly, her parents were killed while doing business with a drug kingpin, right? Somehow I don't think they were fixing him a Grande Americano and a carrot cake muffin, so I will assume whatever they were a part of wasn't particularly reputable either. So while Zoe Toothpicks might be avenging the death of her parents, they don't exactly sound like innocents caught in the crossfire.

She was trained by a criminal to became a criminal, who kills criminals for killing her criminal parents. In other words she is exactly what she hates. Either that or she in fact has no qualms with the criminal life itself only to those in it who affected her negatively.

Might I assume in about fifteen years time she herself should expect a tsunami of vengeful children assassins gunning for her boney ass? It would seem to be only fair. Perhaps she should meet up with Beatrix Kiddo, as they would now seem to be in the same boat.

Oh sure, we think Andy Serkis is a motion-capture god for his emotive acting, but we can't give Saladana the same credit for using her expressive gifts in Avatar?

Avatar's script may have been crap, but it was obvious who actually showed up to act in the movie. That Saladana could kick your ass without a greenscreen suit was pretty clear.

Idiosyncratic, that point you raised from Avatar was it's only saving grace for me. Didn't stop me from leaving the theater fore the denouement but it did give me hope about bridging the Uncanny Valley.Seems Ms. Saldana can do this across both the pixel and the page.

For some reason, I have no trouble whatsoever believing that Zoe Saldana could kick the living shit out of men twice her size. Same goes for Maggie Q, who does it regularly on Nikita. To me, at least, they look like their bodytype "fits" them, compared to good old Angie, who just looks malnourished.

And fuck yes, I'm seeing this.

Eff this overhyped shit...where's the Don't Be Afraid of the Dark review?

I agree that Saldana has a great shit face. As in, "Keep this shit up and I'll beat the shit out of you", not as in her face looks like shit. Girl is hotness on a stick.

However, there's no way that girl could kick a grown man's ass. Hell, she couldn't even kick my lady ass. I was a ballerina too (nowhere near as talanted as she, mind you) and yeah, there's strength and stamina involved, but not in a contact kind of way. Could she effectively perform a choreographed fight? Yes, girl can bring it no problem. But could she kick someone's ass for real? No. Difinitively no. Can I suspend my disbelief? Dustin gives a strong argument that it's possible with this film so we'll Red Box it.

I honestly don't know that any woman is capable of really, really beating up a man, especially if that woman is a size 0 Hollywood actress. Men are simply stronger and bigger, and they're exponentially stronger and bigger than a 5'7" woman weighing maybe 110. I hate to say that being a woman myself, but just because I don't like it doesn't make it less true. If you're barely heavy enough to donate a pint of blood, you cannot kick a grown man's ass.

Zito, why would you come here and call someone you claim to admire a shitty reviewer? Personally I think Rowles is one the best reviewers I’ve read, Rene Rodriguez of the Miami Herald is my favorite. Zito, no disrespect but “Colombiana” isn’t’ exactly a film a true movie critic can sink his or her teeth into and come up with something profound to write. Rowles is a big fan of Saldana and maybe this review isn’t a great way to judge the way Rowles reviews films. Maybe he went to the theater as an average moviegoer and not a critical reviewer. What I’m trying to say is that Rowles’s work is very impressive.

It's not like she's beating people to death. Looks like she's using guns. Don't have to be big to kill someone with a gun, or a knife, for that matter. So in that sense, it's realistic. As realistic as any other "action" movie.

And I like Michael Vartan, but eh, to each his/her own.

pls tell me this is a joke.

Meh. The only thing that sounds worthwhile here is bleujayone's Grande Americano and a carrot cake muffin.

I have beaten a full grown man up. Slammed one guy's head into a brick wall several times after he was stupid enough to grope me in a violent way. Hopefully he thought twice about doing that to a stranger next time it crossed his mind. I'm average sized. Training with knowledgeable martial arts instructors helps.

"It's not always about sheer mass. It's how you use that mass, combined with speed, knowledge of the body and it's weak points, and knowing how to use your opponent's size against him."

YES! And of course, (if you're Saldana) let's not forget the terribly distracting erection your opponent has to contend with.

Is this one of those movies where eight or 10 bad guys stand in a circle around her and take her on one at a time so she can kick their asses*, rather than gang-rush her into a pig pile or just do an Indiana Jones and pull a gun and shoot her ass? Because those movies tend to be stupid beyond comprehension.

*--If the bad guys are going to insist on doing this -- and I bet bad-guy gangs probably do act this way because they see so many movies that tell them they should -- then they should just send the baddest-assed bad guy out first, because if she kicks HIS ass, well then, there's not much point in the rest of the bad guys giving it a go with anything less than a flamethrower, is there? Run away! Run away!

(No, no. It was more like, she would send a rocket grenade into a big circle of men, and then come in with an Uzi and finish off the guys who were still breathing. I don't think she faced off against more than one guy at a time. So, it was TOTALLY realistic. -- DR)

Posted by: =DocDoom1= at August 26, 2011 12:43 PM

I've always thought that Saldana looked exactly like a cross between Thandie Newton and Jada Pinkett-Smith. In other words: Extraordinarily hot!

(And isn't it hilarious that she got her start in the awful Britney Spears movie? That was her, wasn't it?)

I would go see this, though I do agree that she should have had a better actor cast as her fuck buddy than Michael Vartan (who is cute but somehow totally uninspiring). I'm thinking Idris Elba. And in totally unrelated news, I need a new vibrator. Gotta go!

She was trained by a criminal to became a criminal, who kills criminals for killing her criminal parents. In other words she is exactly what she hates. Either that or she in fact has no qualms with the criminal life itself only to those in it who affected her negatively.
Posted by: bleujayone at August 26, 2011 12:15 PM

Are you a robot bleujayone? if A, then B, but Not C bleep blorp bloop. If someone kills your fucking parents, who cares what they were doing before it happened? Don't let logic be the enemy of thought.

John G.-

I grant you this is a movie who's plot takes great liberties with the absence of logic. Let me see if I can elaborate my previous post.

If you you do business with criminal activity- the possibility of being killed should be an expected occupational hazard. This review stated they were involved in a deal that went south rather than just innocent people with the bad luck of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The difference being the first is asking for problems and the other is not. In terms of the child, yes she probably isn't really all that interested in why Mommy and Daddy are gone. Just that they are and someone is to blame. In this case though, when said child becomes an adult one might think she could sit back for a moment and think about her parents' wisdom in placing both themselves and her in harm's way in the first place. I would like to think that a well-developed character might stop for even just a moment and consider if its worth it to avenge people who seemed to willingly endanger their lives and the life of their child. Perhaps even have some unresolved anger with the dead parents for being so foolish and leaving her alone. But as mentioned before this is a mindless revenge movie that all but asks the audience to check their brains at the door. Again, I'm only going on Dustin's review here, but I'm fairly confident he didn't leave any vital details out.

To me this is like declaring war on a brewery because your parents irresponsibly got drunk and killed themselves in a car accident, or to be more ridiculous, being angry at bears because your folks ran around Yellowstone Park in Lady Gaga's meat wardrobe. In either case, maybe they didn't intend to die, but they put enough variables against themselves for that to be a strong possible outcome. They are partially to blame.

By the way, such a nice family she ends up inheriting. Her uncle not only is also involved in criminal activity himself, but takes a grieving child and essentially uses her to turn her into a weapon. Basically, she had no chance in hell at having any semblance of a normal life. In that sense, this movie isn't even a straight up revenge story because she's not just going after the people who did her wrong, she's going after anybody. And though the review suggests her career is assassinating "bad" people, that doesn't make her her actions any less evil themselves. But again I'm trying to look too deeply into what clearly is a kiddie pool.

I concede this movie is far from highbrow to begin nor is it very likely that it ever claimed to be. I am saying that it is difficult to identify with a character's motivations if they themselves do not stop and think about why they do what they do. To do otherwise suggests they become a mindless automaton (you know...a robot) of a character. (Kill Kill Kill) I'm not saying that's not possible, but often it's not very entertaining.

I'm almost positive this broad can easily beat me on account of all the blood rushing from my brain down to my junk, thus making me dizzy and easy to defeat.

The difference I see between the incident someone mentioned above re beating the shit out of a man who tried to hustle her into his car and this kind of thing is, the attacker in the parking lot isn't expecting any resistance; certainly he's unlikely to know he's taking on someone trained in martial arts. But shouldn't the Bad Guys' Social Media Network have clued everyone in by now that Zoe is no one to fuck with? Do these guys not tweet, or email, or simply pick up the phone and tell each other: Do Not Fuck With This One, She'll Rip Your Lungs Out, Jim?

I mean, every criminal in the world knew of and feared Keyser Soze for a damn good reason. That, to me, seems more realistic. What was the line, "Criminals tell their kids: Be good or Keyser Soze will get you"?

I guess the key word there is "realistic."

I tend to decline to check my brain at the door for movies like this, because I'm always afraid they won't let me have it back.

There's key scenes in the first 15 minutes of the film - images that more or less scream at the viewer, "You're watching a comic book. It may not have superpowers and guys in tights, but it's a fucking comic. If you can't suspend disbelief, you should get the fuck out."

And it's like, Luc Besson. It's not going to be the height of Realism or Cinéma vérité. Buy a clue along with your ticket, critics.

This movie is a milder PG-13 issue of 100 Bullets in its early stand alone stories. Those weren't very good either, but it was outstanding single elements in that noir cheese that gave the writers another chance with the next issue.

My wife was entertained, as was I. Considering we've seen some really bad movies for the sake of being a parent, this was worth the time and cash.

One last thing: "Hollywood finally gives us Bourne with a bra . ." Bullshit. She didn't wear a bra for most of the movie.