The Bunk Needs New Sheets
By Figgy | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (36)
I almost died yesterday. From the heat.
The A/C on our car is broken. Or it was broken yesterday, anyway. I think Mr. Fig fixed it because he’s a genius. But the point is I nearly died yesterday because we badly needed to go to the grocery store and if I just send him he’ll bring back ramen and coke. And I’m like a hobbit so that won’t cut it. The point is I nearly died, because it was about 100 and something (a hundred and HELL) and it’s only June so I know I’m in for it, but my God this heat is ungodly.
So while surfing the internet today (wait…do people still say that?) I found all these advice columns on how to deal with the heat and it’s all very practical — if obvious — advice like don’t wear clothes and slather yourself in sunscreen and the like. Here’s my advice: Don’t go outside. YAY! Suck it, summer! I win at everything!
Hmm … I guess there was nowhere to go with that. So just a couple more things. One is that the other day I figured out that my first EE had gone up June 1st last year. So I have been reading your comments for almost a year and I honestly can’t tell if my brain has been affected or not, which I think means that it has. But whatever, congratulations to me.
Second thing is that I’m putting next week’s EE in the capable and slightly insane hands of our beloved Optimus_Rhyme. He’s done it a couple of times, so you can be totally nasty with him. He likes it.
So I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, and here’s your top 10. Oh! And I’d like to thank everyone who has started to come up with new ways of saying “I’ll be in my bunk”, because honestly that was getting tired. You guys are getting creative.
10. I’m not really familiar with Steve Austin, so I keep reading that as Sean Austin, and then I picture him tagging along behind these badasses on his poor, short, little legs trying to keep up, jumping up and down and yelling all high-pitched and lispy, “Hey guyth! You guyth! Wait up guyth!” And then he screws everything up with his bumbling hijinks. —HB
[Politically correct or not, lisps are HILARIOUS]
9. “Worst Case Scenario” with Bear Grylls
I want to see him survive Sex and the City 2 with a theatre packed full of drunk women. —DeistBrawler
[Now this I’d pay good money to see. Specially since this dude can come up with the most disgustingly creative ways of making his pee drinkable]
8. If LiLo were sewn ass-to-mouth, that would make her some sort of hoop snake, wouldn’t it?
…”and then, just as we were walking down the hill on the deserted country road at night, looking for someone to help us after the car broke down, the horrible, venomous, talentless, skeletal Lindssssssssssssssnake came rolling down from the hilltop, hissing and wobbling drunkenly and spewing obsenities!” —dammitjanet
Wasn’t Prisco wondering what our new Movie Monster should be? Ta-daaa!]
7. McRibbles?!
They couldn’t find a more appetizing name? Like McEnema or McRuns? ‘Cause first I see the word “dribbles” which then leads me to the inevitable diarrhea eating this food will cause. —DeadBessie
[And now that you have read this, you will never want to try those things. Your heart (and bowels) will thank you.]
[Is it me or am I just posting a LOT about bowels lately? No. That’s just Pajiba.]
6. I don’t know how quite yet, but I’m sure this quiz is racist. —admin
I don’t know how quite yet but I’m sure this quiz is sexist racist speciesist retarded. - Che Grovera
Che, that’s retardist. I’m officially offended. Perhaps a little confused as well. —admin
I just considered eating some pizza out of the trash. You are not walking the retard road alone, my friend. —Kballs
[boys are SMART]
5. Possum fur is soft, at least when on a possum. There was a cute guy with one on his head at a pet fair one time, and I asked if I might pet his possum. Unfortunately he limited me to the rodent. —Drake
4. Pissant: I encourage you to read more history. Also while my experience with service members has differed from yours, I submit that if your view is accurate it’s more of a reflection on our society as a whole than on our military in particular.
As far as Memorial Day being an opportunity to ‘blindly fellate’ our men and women in uniform: I’m fairly certain it’s actually a holiday to honor those soldiers, airmen, sailors, and Marines who were killed in the line of duty. While you may disagree with the current deployment of our troops (they’re not even personally protecting YOU after all), you should keep in mind that we are also honoring the guys who ended slavery, put a stop to the Holocaust, defended democracy in Europe and elsewhere, and have saved countless lives in humanitarian missions.
I’d say that today they deserve your respect today, if not your ‘blind fellation’ and quibbling. Me? I’m sucking with my eyes wide open. God bless the troops. —T
yeah…yeah…just like that, T…OH YEAH….aaaaahhhhhh. —The troops
(wipes mouth) Tastes like freedom. —T
3. Unless they’re going the fully CGI route ala Hulk and Iron Man costumes, there is no way they will make that suit look nearly as good in fabric as it does on the computer. The design will look like Captain America was playing too hard in the school yard, so Mother America had to stitch on oversized hexagon-shaped patches on his knees and elbows.
Now that I think of it, I can’t wait for the scene where Captain America gets a time out for ripping his play clothes again, leading into product placement for Gain detergent. Mother America will fret over how to get the grass stains out of her son’s uniform. She’ll pull at her hair, exhale deeply, and stretch the costume out in front of her. Then, there will be a split screen of the uniform washed in Gain and washed in the leading competitor, showing how Gain keeps her brights brighter and her whites whiter. Because nothing is tougher on stains than Gain. Stan Lee will cameo as the store clerk giving her the Gain detergent.
Don’t even get me started on the scene where Captain America’s therapist tells Mother America she should let her son express himself by wearing ugly brown boots and awful brown gloves with a black, blue, and white costume. It doesn’t matter how bad it clashes. Captain America must be allowed to express himself. But Mother America will draw the line at the tutu and tiara. Her son will not be a fairy princess, thank you very much. —Robert
[brilliant!]
2. Well, well, well. So we’re going to try to go through with this? Foolish mortals.
Banning words? What’s next? Burning monitors? You can no more stem the tide of Mighty Memes than you can sneeze with your eyes open.
Go ahead, take your best shot. I am wriggly. Like an eel. An e-eel. Seriously, I live for this shit. Meme’s will out. cf. The aforementioned Squeegee Kids. Sesquipedalianism. The Musqueam Indian Band of British Columbia. See how this works?
But I do applaud and encourage your efforts to reintroduce certain “old school” phrases.
I got a million of that shit lying around. Might I suggest “Zounds!” “Yoiks!” “Fiddle-dee-dee” “Opprobrium” “The Bug’s Knuckles” (cuter than the Bee’s Knees), or even modifications of current “Banned Words” to revivify them. To wit: Ryan Reynolds’ abs are Squeeeeet!”. OR for conspiracy theorists (we know you’re out there), “I’ll be in my de-bunk”. Just a few of the top of my enormous and overcrammed mind.
So good luck with that. But that knocking sound you hear is me. —The Internet.
[That’s fiddle-dee-dickety! I say dickety because the Kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’…]
1. “wow…just wow”
What? WHAT?!!!! You smug fucker! Say what you want to say. SAY IT. Stop judging me with vaguenesses. You wanna start a fight, start it! Don’t hide behind elliptical palindromes! —Ian
You’re an elliptical palindrome. — Mrs. Julien
****
THE KEENEST. Because brevity is the soul of the brilliant sandwich. Or something. I loved it anyway, and I think I will use the words ‘elliptical palindrome’ in everyday conversation from now on. The win goes out to both Ian and Mrs Julien for a wonderful double play and chuffing, um, responses. That might not be a word. But hey, I’m not a native speaker so I can make shit up as I go. Ballygoodooly!
So congratulations, you two. Well played and all that.
Alright, I’m off. If you happen to get bored, make sure to go back on the long threads—the surveys, the banning words thread, etc. They’re full of delicious comments, and I have to confess that I had to stop counting them towards the EE because there’s just too many good ones. If a particularly great comment comes along though, I’ll put it in, because I’m easy. That’s what she—-no, shut up.
Catch on the flip side. Bombdiggety. Word to your elliptical palindrome.
Wait, no! one last thing. The World Cup starts on Friday and I couldn’t be more excited. I just wanted to take this opportunity to declare this to the world: Chile sucks, Honduras rules. Suck it, Sofia.
Figgy is a displaced Honduran currently living (and melting) in Dallas, TX. You can check out her blog for much Twilight snarking, or you can follow her seldom updated Twitter feed.
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Comments
Posted by: The Internet. at June 7, 2010 2:12 PM
See? De-lurking pays off!
But don't think you can throw me off with flattery and accolades.
I still got my eyes on you fuckers.
I'll be in Kayanne's bunk.