'Jiba Juice
By Figgy | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (53)
Just a quickie tonight, peoples, as I have busy, important things to do (ie: drink tequila shots) and important people to see (my husband doing tequila shots) and important things to watch (netflix is awesome). I gotta say I had a bit of a hard time getting a good crop of comments this week … has anyone else noticed it’s been kind of quiet lately? Could just be that it’s a quiet month in the movie biz, of course. Or are bosses really cracking down on the Pajiba mania and blocking it all over the place? Fuckers. Need to get laid, I say.
So (and I can’ t believe I’m saying this) please comment more. It was a good week what with the Golden Globes and Abadah (no, thank you, not interested) and Pants on the Ground, though, so I can’t complain too much.
Onwards!
[from the Basic Necessities thread:]
10. Ditto on the lip balm thing. I will punch a mentally-challenged toddler right in the fucking kisser if they stand between me and my chapstick. Fun fact? In the past seven years, I probably haven’t paid for 90% of my chapstick. Not because I’m broke, but because I enjoy the thrill of it. That, and the fact that I lose three to six chapsticks per week and the actual, legal purchase of new chapstick(s) every day would put a pretty big dent in my pocketbook. And I need that money for my Precious Moments Figurines.
Water. I need access to water always. I usually carry around my insulated water bottle from my bike because it keeps ice cubes in their cube-like state fo … YES, PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURINES - BIG FUCKING DEAL - I HAPPEN TO THINK THEY”RE ADORABLE AND THERE”S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AT ALL! YOU WANNA POKE FUN? THEN LET’S DANCE MOTHEREFFER! I’LL STOMP THE BACK OF YOUR GODDAM HEAD AGAINST THE ASPHALT UNTIL THERE’S NOTHING LEFT BUT A SINGLE EYEBALL AND A FREAKISH LANDSCAPE OF BONE FRAGMENTS AND TWISTED CARTILAGE HELD TOGETHER BY A GLOBBY MESS OF BRAIN-JELLY!
…
And lastly, my Bible. It keeps me grounded. —Skitz
[goddamn those Precious Moments things are creepy as hell. My grandmother LOVES the hell out of them and I KEPT GETTING THEM AS PRESENTS. She went with really creepy-ass porcelain dolls but stopped that when I told her they seemed satanic to me. I am a disappointment to her.]
9. Prisco, I know you ain’t talkin’ bad about Soapdish!!
*stands up, removes earrings*
I know you ain’t talkin’ bad about Soapdish!!!
*inappropriate neck roll*
*church swoon* —welldressed
[I love that mental image. BRING HIM DOWN, WELLDRESSED]
8. If men had to have periods there would be a cure for them by now.
There is. It’s a special infection called Crotchfruitus Innyeruterus. —admin
[I will never get tired of the Crotch-fruit thing. Never.]
7. Okay, fuck Jonah Schlub, fuck 21 Jump Street In Your Pants: The Movie, and fuck Jonah Schlub.
Did I say that already? Fuck it. Fuck him. He’s so unfunny, I hemorrhage whenever he appears on screen, and my testicles want to kick his ass when he speaks.
“Are they going to have school busses exploding and flipping over? Is there going to be a massive shoot out during a pep rally?”
Only if Michael Bay gets brought on as special effects consultant. Is it wrong to wish for that? I’d really like to see some vapid cheerleader get tagged on the top of the pyramid. It’d be like Bring It On…with Gary Busey as the rival coach and Gogo as the rival head cheerleader.
Fuck, I’d pay to watch that. —Shadows of Dakaron
[Oh, SoD, I’ve missed you so! I mean, “hemorrhage when he appears”? Precious.]
6. I disagree. The scariest movie Mel Gibson could’ve done was Teeth. God knows what language the vagina would’ve spoken. —Bizarro Sofía
Bizarro Sofia, perhaps ancient Hebrew? Or Aramaic? —Your Mom
Well, Your Mom, Vagina Dentata is a Latin term, so one can speculate that it was coined by the Romans, who later introduced the term in Israel. It would explain why a Vagina Dentata speaks Hebrew. And also, circumcision. —Bizarro Sofía
Exactly, Bizarro Sofia. Exactly. And also, some vaginas bite things off. —Your Mom
[I don’t know what I love more: Sofia’s obsession with bajingos or how Your Mom’s handle makes everything better. Hee. Even that made me giggle.]
5. Does having long untamed hair, sniffing markers, drawing on yourself, and setting fires make you an anarchist? If so, then I was totally an anarchist in Kindergarten. Fuck your lesson plan! I NAP WHEN I WANT! —jM
4. I would accept that I expect What to Expect When You’re Expecting not to meet expectations except that even expecting expectations should be an exception.—branded
[aaaaah my braiiiins]
3. “Vitamin Water and Facebook have teamed to bring us the world’s first social networking-themed soft drink.”
That’s fucking stupid. Like drunk toddler stupid. What’s next? ‘Jiba Juice? I mean, how despera… HOLY SHITBALLS OF CHINCHILLA FISTING FURY, WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA! ‘JIBA JUICE! HELL YES! Something to mix with whatever liquor I happen to be swilling that particular hour, whether it be vodka, vodka, rum, vodka or Listerine! See you later, cranberry juice - you’ve diddled with my urinary incontinence for the last time! Catch you on the flip side, Coca-Cola and Fresh Burst Listerine - there’s a new drink in town!
Oh, the bevy of flavors… Flavors, flavors, flavors! What would ‘Jiba Juice taste like? I’m guessing it’s a refreshing splash of citrus with a frothy aftertaste of hope. Yes, hope. Here’s mine:
‘Jiba Juice - Skittimus Maxiquench Spritzer
- 1 (12oz) can of ‘Jiba Juice
- 1 thing of Jameson
- 2 shakes of bourbon or something
- Raisins to taste
Directions: Pour everything into a chilled Arby’s commemorative Christmas goblet. Mix with index finger. Enjoy while riffling through cousin’s income tax information. Repeat until either authorities are called or you black out after pooping yourself while sobbing in the linen closet.
Smell that, Cap’n Rowles? That’s the smoldering stink of a gigundo marketing opportunity - CATCH THE… uh. TASTE THE… Fuck it, we’ll work out the tagline later - GET TO THE KITCHEN AND START MIXING! —Skitz
[YES I know he’s on here twice but dammit Skitz all crotch-on-fire this week and I LOVE THIS IDEA. Get on it, Boozehound! Except for the raisins. Raisins are fucking disgusting]
2. JAMES CAMERON IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT FERN GULLY IS THE GREATEST FERNGULLY OF ALL TIME —Mebe
[hee. All it needs is more exclamation points!]
[And now…let me just say that I have no problems with Sandra Bullock (except winning for some movie I’ve never heard of which is just ridiculous) but I thought this comment was too damn good.]
1. Evidence that Sandra ‘Garbage Can’ Bullock has a Y Chromosome:
-Last name contains the word ‘Bull’
-Starred in a film called ‘demolition MAN’and ‘HangMEN’
-Wrestled Ernest Hemingway
-Fluent in German…so was Hitler
-Favourite drink is beer (true story)
-Has pecs not breasts
-Was considered as a lead in the Superman franchise relaunch (we can only assume as Clark Kent)
-On marital plans: “I’ve always been very sceptical about marriage” (This screams of penis)
-Had sex with miss Hawaii and miss California while filming Miss Congeniality
-Once ate an entire bathtub of baked beans to win a bet
-Hasn’t seen Twilight
-Terrible at folding laundy
-Elbows too pointy
-Firmly believes she is superior to all other females.
-As sexy as a landfill —Adventureman
*****
IT IS A THING OF SUCH BEAUTY. Pointy elbows! Made up facts that could be true! It’s genius!
And really, Adventureman has become my (and many others’) favorite new commenter. From the bizarre google translate paragraphs peppered with ‘even’s and ‘decided’s to the suddenly-making-sense comments, to the $5 comment from Lindsey, Adventureman is now a Pajiba Institution. So here’s to your posting many, many more comments and delighting us all with that bizarre link on your name. Your prize is The Golden Sandra Bullock Collection (including such well-aged classics as The Net and Speed!), a bucket of kerosene and a box of matches. Enjoy!
See y’all next week. Am gonna go tequilize now. Yeaaah.
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Comments
Posted by: Cindy at January 21, 2010 12:42 PM
I missed a lot here this week - congrats Adventureman. Solid gold.