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We Need to Have a Talk About All the Naked Photos: Your T*tty Shots

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (35)



Shirtless_Weiner.jpg

I’m going to put on my beard, clear aviator readers and a striped sweater, make us a pot of tea and pull over the beanbags. Let’s rap, kids.

When it comes to nudie pics, the conversation starts at home. This is our home; let’s start the conversation, in a mature, rational manner. So, iPhone pics of your donger and Justin Beaver: where do you stand?

There exist two realms of possibility when it comes to leaked naked photos: 1) you are a famewhore, desperately seeking attention, hoping no one notices the proximity in time between release of said photos and release of upcoming movie, or 2) you are dumb as fuck and should not be allowed around technology.

In the past week’s time, we’ve had them both. Hoorah and huzzah! But this conversation is not one of nipples and buttholes. This is a conversation about confidence. Namely, ensuring some of you have less of it.

Do not mistake me. I am all about confidence. I want everyone to have a healthy, appropriate self-image, with enough instances of fat and ugly sad days that you are forced to stay funny. You know, for balance. But it is a special level of confidence that comes with nude photos. And that level is what we call “delusion.”

A commonplace headspace among celebrities, delusion here is the thinking that you are so important and interesting that no one will disperse these photos once they’re sent, or that no one will go straight to Star Magazine after you blow a load in their mouth, because you’re such an awesome, famous lover that this act alone was their gift and no monetary amount could possibly match it.

That is the wonder of the celebrity mind. I am special, so bad things will not happen to me. Why, yes, I will steal this necklace and beat up a Betty Ford employee, thank you.

For the famous people of the world, I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this, but here we go. You are not that special. You are not that important. You are not that attractive. A picture of your snizz region or your pants lobster is hilarious and the recipient will most certainly show his or her friends and then his or her tabloid of choice. And you are not special enough, important enough or pretty enough to prevent that.

Someday, I will be an excellent mother.

But if you, gentle famous person, cannot grasp this concept of an appropriate level of self-worth, then you at least need to be intelligent. And this also tends to prove frustratingly difficult for you people. Because, for the most part, you’re also all so fucking stupid it makes me tired.

Twitter. There’s a DM function and a post function. With the mildest literacy, you too can avoid sending pictures of your admittedly impressive pants bulge or terrible music-ed titties to your tens of thousands of followers. Yes, sometimes technology is hard when you’re in a hurry. I myself became very nervous that I’d accidentally sent out a very urgent press release seven hours too early last week, and who hasn’t hit Reply All at some point or another? It happens.

But it shouldn’t happen when the photo you are attempting to post is of your bits. That’s the lesson. When it comes to your nethers, there is ALWAYS time to be careful.

I joked before about teaching these lessons to my kids one day. Here’s the thing. I wasn’t joking. I didn’t really think I’d need to, and lord knows my parents didn’t ever have to have this talk with me, but fucking Christ, really, am I going to honestly have to tell my daughters “are you fucking kidding me with the titty pics? Just show the guy in real life, because the evidence leaves when your top goes back on. Don’t take a fucking photo. Don’t be such a stupid bitch”? Because I’d really rather avoid that.

But if I have to, I will. And if I have to have this conversation with every celebrity, politician or Pajiba commenter (*two-finger point at my eyes, two-finger point at your eyes*), I will.

Keep it in your pants, kids. And if you can’t, at least have the good sense to not leave a trail of proof.









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Comments

wow, I really REALLY wish you'd given this advice a couple weeks ago. In fact, everyone seems to be giving me similar speeches right now (yeah, I'm lookin at you, Tequila Witherspoon). Well, I'm here to say that hindsight is 20/20, people, so get off your high horses. You want some REAL advice? Destroy your sex tapes now. Because "oh, your boobs are so pretty, you should show them off more so everyone can compliment you" sounds like a smart strategy when you're high.

Posted by: Blake Lively at June 7, 2011 2:08 PM

According to my female friends, guys in general are way too quick to send pictures of their peen. Really? I may be wrong, but I don't think most women are interested in seeing your wang, especially when they have yet to meet you in person! As one of my friends so aptly said, "A guy could go down to Olan Mills to have his wang photographed, and it still wouldn't look good to my eyes!"

Posted by: jimbob at June 7, 2011 2:11 PM

Seriously. I ALMOST understand when half-dead brainless TV whores send their pics around.

But when you are occupying an office that involves trying to get people to respect you...think of the steps involved in getting this photo out there.

1. remove pants
2. enlarge junk
3. get camera
4. snap photo
5. upload photo to ANYBODY

at what point does your better judgment not kick in and say, hey. This might not be a good idea?

I was going to say, Seriously, How hard is that? but there are all sorts of unfortunate double entendres there.

Posted by: meh at June 7, 2011 2:12 PM

The twisted thing about leaked celeb nudie pictures is that firstly, like you said, they seem to believe that somehow, this won't happen to them; and yet, if they weren't kind of famous (not per se interchangeable with important) it probably wouldn't happen. It's not like any of my discretion-lacking friends' photos have been front page of TMZ.

Posted by: Amanda6 at June 7, 2011 2:16 PM

Hey celebrities! Outside of a movie theater (and maybe not even then), I don't want to see any of your nether regions, or see you cry or hear your politics or hear about your breakups or see what car you drive or hear you yell at me how animals have rights, too. I just don't care much about you personally at all and that includes your junk, your stuff, your whatever. Just do your damn job, collect your paycheck and sit down.

Posted by: klingonfree at June 7, 2011 2:19 PM

Something I've believed from an early age (and I'm not sure where I picked this up):
1. Nothing in writing
2. No pictures or video

Those, my dears, are what we call 'evidence.'

Posted by: fenchurch at June 7, 2011 2:22 PM

Seriously, How hard is that?

Going by the photo I saw...70%?

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at June 7, 2011 2:22 PM

I was going to attempt something witty and intelligent to express my amazement that seemingly intelligent people still don't grok the NETwork part of interNET, but I got tired because of all the frowning and slow head shaking so, sigh.

Also, snizz is my favourite word of the day.

Posted by: Groundloop at June 7, 2011 2:25 PM

Just having such a hard time wrapping my mind around the sheer stupidity. What is it about politicians in particular thinking they can go around soliciting sex in bathrooms or posting so-called sexy pics of themselves? What a bunch of nimrods. And with Weiner it's more disappointment than anything since I thought he was a great upright man. Hee, I called him "upright". (I don't have to be mature about it, right?) And honestly I don't care where they put their penises as long as they aren't completely stupid about it.

Posted by: pickled tink at June 7, 2011 2:27 PM

Courtney you make some good points. But with today’s technology it is difficult to blame Weiner from a technological standpoint. I mean really, who among us hasn’t sent a picture or two to someone we are having a conversation with and that picture ending up in the wrong hands? The guy has suffered enough.

Posted by: Pookie at June 7, 2011 2:34 PM

I've been thinking the same damned thing lately. How can you be so mind-numbingly stupid? Unless you're doing it on purpose and want the attention (and I'm convinced that all sex-tapes and 90% of "accidental" shots of your bits are released on purpose) don't be a fucking idiot and just don't fucking do it.

Recently I was in the bad position of experiencing something similar with an ex-student of mine, whom I'm friends with on facebook for some reason. The girl is 16 years old and decided to take a cue out of Miley Cyrus' book and take some rather risque photos of herself (in a bikini, but one of those down-shots of your body that just smacks of soft-core porn) and post them on facebook. Her very public, easily accessible facebook account. I'm not even close friends with her and I could see them--so could every other one of the 500 people she's friends with. Including adults! Male adults that she doesn't even know well! And THE ACCOUNT IS PUBLIC. Now, the photos weren't THAT bad, but she is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. And if she'll post that, who knows what other kind of shit she'd be willing to post online for a little bit of attention?

And this is what the celebrity sex-tape and the 'leaked' photos have gotten us to: Stupid-ass teenagers endangering themselves on the internet because they thought it'd be cool to do it.

I was left feeling really freaked out and wondering what the hell kind of irresponsible parents she has that don't control that shit.

Posted by: Figgy at June 7, 2011 2:37 PM

Who fucking cares. Are we going to judge people on their ability to do their jobs based on the content of their phones? Perhaps every public figure or celebrity should have their computer's hard drive searched before they're elected to office or star in a movie? Perhaps the fetish porn they're into doesn't suit our delicate sensibilities! Jesus Christ I bet these people have sex too!

I don't disagree that's it's pretty ignorant to be surprised and outraged when these pictures you sent to whomever get leaked, but if some asshat decides to hack my phone and spread my manwich around the world, well, fuck them. Also, IT IS SO TEN INCHES!

Posted by: admin at June 7, 2011 2:40 PM

I was left feeling really freaked out and wondering what the hell kind of irresponsible parents she has that don't control that shit.

I bet they make her have sex too!

Posted by: admin at June 7, 2011 2:42 PM

This is an almost appropriate story. There was a kid on my hall freshman year who ticked off his roommate. Said roommate would throw open his window every day as students were going to the dining hall and yell "It's five o'clock, my name is Rich (redacted) and I'm not wearing any pants!" This went on for most of the semester. Near the end of the semester everyone on the floor went out for drinks and general tomfoolery. Rich was talking to a group of young women at the bar, and it seemed to be going pretty well for him (he was in fact a pretty nice guy.). So, one of the ladies asked him his name-"Oh, I'm Rich."

"Wait-are you the Rich that doesn't wear any pants?"

As we all died laughing, he stormed off. The point of this story folks, is that this shit follows you. Just don't do it.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 7, 2011 2:44 PM

The guy's name is Weiner. WEINER! Did surviving junior high with that name not, at any point, suggest to him at that as a career politician he'd be EVEN MORE ADVISED THAN MOST to keep it in his pants? Has he....ever met the press before?

I've said this before (not here), but the inner monologue goes something like this: "Hmmmmm, my name is Senator Duckfucker. Perhaps I'd best not hang 'round the park lake on my weekends off"?

On the other hand, having your wedding officiated by Bill Clinton does suggest a certain level of Irony Blindness.

Posted by: Salieri2 at June 7, 2011 2:45 PM

This post is useless without pics.

Posted by: JP at June 7, 2011 2:57 PM

HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Who in their right mind would be dumb enough to send pictures of their dick to people? I mean, how immature can you be? No one wants to see your dick. Goddamn, people are stupid.

Oh...wait...

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 7, 2011 3:15 PM

This made me think of an Isacc Asimov book, the name escapes me at the moment. In the society in that book there was a difference between viewing someone or seeing someone in person. All kinds of things were allowed when viewing that would never be done in person. Being naked while being viewed was quite common. I wonder is it really stupidity or are we witnessing a fundamental shift in thinking that we old foggies just can't relate to? Either way I think it speaks to the brilliance of Mr. Asimov to recognize that we seem to behave differently when we are even one step removed from our audience.

Posted by: MiChin at June 7, 2011 3:25 PM

To me, it's not so much the posting of inappropriate body parts that annoys me. It's that they don't fess up to doing it. If you fookin posted your peen for everyone to see, and people start talking about it, at least admit it. It's the lying about it, "Oh my twat was hacked," that pisses me off. You're going to have to admit it eventually, so just fess up, up front, and get it overwith.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 7, 2011 3:31 PM

I would just like to step in and say that there are women who ask for junk-pics. It's happened to me. And I have sent them. I have no regrets, and they will never come back to haunt me.

I, however, am an inconsequential plebe. I've never run for office (though I can take apart the remote control, and almost put it back together), nor am I famous. Of those two things can't be said for you - don't send nude pictures of yourself. Whether they're asked for or volunteered.

That is all.

Posted by: ingres at June 7, 2011 3:50 PM

It seems to me that the real problem isn't people taking nude pics, it is the limitless capacity of Americans to become obsessed with this ridiculous nonsense. Really, who CARES. If it isn't your thing, FINE, don't do it. But don't get all judgey on others.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 7, 2011 4:22 PM

RE jimbob:

I think Olan Mills is running a special this month on wang photography. My favorite is wang with the tree background. It makes it look like it's in a primeval forest, getting back to nature, as it were.

Posted by: Slash at June 7, 2011 4:25 PM

admin, of COURSE we should be judging politicians based on whether they sent fucking sent pictures of their dick to someone. it's called judgement, and doing it would imply that you don't have it. and then, NO, they shouldn't hold public office.

i hate to be message board troll, but jesus christ.

Posted by: matty at June 7, 2011 4:26 PM

If we are going to tar and feather elected officials for having bad judgment, THIS is small potatoes indeed. Look, ridiculous shit like this is NOT going to improve the quality of our elected officials, it is just going to weed out all but the ones best at covering their tracks ensuring the MOST corrupt leadership possible. Running for office these days means a constant barrage of attack on one's character. I can't believe anyone in their right mind would WANT to run for office. It is Much Ado About NOTHING, and as usual, the bored, stressed out, desperate for entertainment, American public is eating it up. The news media trades in outrage, so they just keep whipping things up to keep people angry and/or afraid. Was a SINGLE LAW BROKEN? No? Well then.... Can we move on?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 7, 2011 4:56 PM

Amen Matty. Can't believe this has to be explicitly stated. If you're dumb/crazy/unreliable enough to do this dumb shit, you're suspect on several fronts, not the least of which is how slickly you lied your ass off about it until you realized the cat was out of the bag

Posted by: Uncle Mikey at June 7, 2011 5:42 PM

First of all I dont think you can blame celebrities for doing the same dumb shit that everyone does. If little Susie down the block were famous then her nude pics would be online too.

Personally I dont know why guys do it. I dont care if you are a woman or a gay man, who wants to see a picture of a dong??
I guess girls only do it because their boyfriends beg them to do it.
To all the ladies: DONT DO IT. GUYS ALWAYS SHOW THEIR FRIENDS AFTER YOU BREAK UP.

I recall an ex girlfriend would always tell me that she was going to make a video of herself, if you know what I mean. She never did but I probably would have held onto it if she had. And Im a nice guy.

Posted by: junierizzle at June 7, 2011 5:45 PM

Was a SINGLE LAW BROKEN? No? Well then.... Can we move on?

Agreed. Let his constituents decide at the next election how much this matters to them. Otherwise it's none of our damn business unless any of you happen to live in his district.

Posted by: katy at June 7, 2011 6:52 PM

If it were against the law, we'd have to lock up 90% of people using Plentyoffish.

I do not believe there are real live women who actually request dick pix without the ulterior motive of trying to convince a guy that he's the studliest stud who ever owned a cellphone. Or else they're accumulating blackmail material.

Posted by: Wednesday at June 7, 2011 7:06 PM

If you're dumb/crazy/unreliable enough to do this dumb shit

How, Uncle Mikey, does dickrolling someone have to deal with any of those things? I mean...who are you, the fucking proper police? Then again, who are you to decide what is proper?

I wouldn't consider it dumb or crazy...I certainly don't understand how it makes someone unreliable.

I've sent, and received, plenty of images from people that are way better than you.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 7, 2011 8:34 PM

You know, this kinda reminds me of one of the more unrealistic scenes in Kick-Ass (the comic). After Dave is outed as straight, the girl he was crushing on gets revenge on him by having her boyfriend beat the crap out of him. Okay, fair enough, he was a douche who faked being gay. But then she sends a picture of herself giving a blowjob to said boyfriend to rub it in. And Dave, being an absolute pussy, actually cries about it.

It was stupid, and confirmed to me the absolute cluelessness of Mark Millar. Because I cannot think of one single guy who wouldn't forward that pic to every number in his phone and everyone on Facebook just to show her up. She basically counts on Dave's low self-esteem to keep him from showing her vacuuming skills to God and country, and it works. That is a pretty big risk, especially after you have him beaten up. The movie's version (where she instantly fall for him anyway) makes more fucking sense.

And you know what? That makes me sad. I am sad that the world has gotten to such a place where the first thing that popped in my head was "What? He doesn't show the bitch up by posting her sausage fest on Flickr?" I hate that. I hate that cynicism. I hate that utter disrespect for human decency.

Look, when it is clearly a marketing ploy, I am annoyed as much as anyone. but those few occasions when it is just plain Idiot Ball Time, well, I can't hate on them. And really, just because someone DOES put naughty pictures up, do we really HAVE to gawk/condemn them? Can't we just tell the carnival barkers that we really don't fucking care?

My position has nothing to do with a favorite actress of mine suffering a similar problem not too long ago and subsequently shut herself off form the internet for months until it died down. But it goes to show you, they aren't ALL publicity stunts.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 7, 2011 9:32 PM

Your reluctant advice to celebrities as to their importance in the world is one of the best things i have read at Pajiba all year - and this is is a place with consistently great writing. And yes, you will indeed be an excellent mother someday!

Posted by: Rohit Arya at June 7, 2011 10:12 PM

You had me at "pants lobster."

Posted by: beet salad at June 8, 2011 9:43 AM

To the "big deal, nothing to see here, let's move on" crowd:

How about if Weiner were a Republican?

Posted by: , at June 8, 2011 10:13 AM

It's a fair question to ask Sir Punctuation. I think the answer goes two fold though. On the one hand, I don't feel like I've, personally, given Weiner a treatment much different than I would give a Republican. I'll make a few jokes, and maybe question his/her judgment. (Because how do you think you're going to keep this private forever?) On the other hand, many Republicans try to position themselves as voices of moral authority, or speaking on behalf of a moral authority. It seems hypocritical, for instance, to denigrate certain sexual activities you don't approve of, but then engage in something that's generally considered worse.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at June 8, 2011 10:31 AM

Soc,

Points well taken.

And really, from either party, I wish we'd just hear more of what I imagine an Italian or French politician would do in a similar situation. Take a long drag on a fine cigarette, exhale the smoke in the questioner's face, and say, "My sex life? What business is that of yours?"

Posted by: , at June 8, 2011 1:03 PM