This Blind Item is Clearly About a Serial Killer
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This Blind Item is Clearly About a Serial Killer

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 30, 2013 | Comments ()

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I’ll let LaineyGossip take this one:

Inexplicably, he’s been linked to some really hot, pretty famous women, even though he’s not exactly hot and he behaves, at least artistically, like a douchebag. What’s the attraction? Certainly not his sex moves. This won’t solve the mystery either.

When it’s time to f-ck, he doesn’t like doing it at home. Which is weird because, well, he’s really weird about germs and touching. And you’d think his house would be cleaner than a hotel, right? So he and whoever he’s about to do it with are at the hotel. They’re about to do it. Only he won’t take his clothes off. Instead, he’ll always keep his underwear on, looping his dick through the boxer hole so as to minimise as much skin-on-skin contact as possible.

Maybe that’s why it never lasts?

Here’s the thing about blind items: not all of them are true. But LaineyGossip has a good track record and, all-around nasty human I am, I take each one as hard science fact truth. So, basically, there’s a not-that-hot famous guy who is weird about germs and only bones ladies through his boxer hole. Which is somehow the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. There is something actually terrifying about that. I feel like the blind item leaves out that the boxers are made of skin.

If it’s who I think it is, which I will not be saying because of duh reasons, then he’s an inexplicably successful, untalented, unfunny doucher with a punchable stupid face who somehow manages to get beautiful queenly ladies AND he only has sex through his underhole?

Sigh. How tragic that I got married before I knew the full package was just a plane ride away.

'Homeland' -- 'Tin Man Is Down': I Hide the Truth Behind a Lie | 5 Shows After Dark 9/30/13

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • George

    Ryan Seacreast?

  • $74053565

    I heard one about Skarsgard once hat he's really, super into being cold and having his women be cold(as in body temp, physically, while they hump). But he is drop dead gorgeous on a bad day so he doesn't fit this too well.
    Also, I still can't sign in on Chrome but my new account is the name Nadiney. I am still Nadine/Nadineydoll.
    Fuck Disqus.

  • Peter Choi

    All the celeb blind items make me want to move out of the Cali completely before whatever deity decides to incinerate entire LA county!

  • e jerry powell

    It's so biased of me, but the keeping all the clothing on thing makes me think that this douche may also be secretly an Orthodox Jew going to half-measures.

  • Bodhi

    I love a good celeb blind item, but I'm almost positive that most of them are made up. If they aren't, whew, there are some massive freakazoids in the entertainment industry.

    And sorry, but I don't buy that Lainey is as connected as she claims to be.

  • Jezzer

    Love all the haughty sniffing about how Pajiba is "above" Blind Items. What website have you people been reading for the past few years?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I've been reading this one. Everything on this one. And this one has never in my recollection run an article with a blind item before. It's a new direction, the tabloid riff articles are more frequent, and it is surprising.

  • Jezzer

    I don't mean that Pajiba has run blind items before. What I mean is, a site that celebrates Butthole Day and publishes a list of bangable celebrities every year isn't suddenly violating a sacred trust when it talks about a blind item.

  • bastich

    Oh, you meant "Butthole Day" as in jerks...not, you know...(sigh) never mind.

  • Jezzer

    I was so shocked at the notion that my monocle dropped into my glass of sherry, and I never dared to ask.

  • Wigamer

    Yeah, blind items are not my faves.

  • Sean

    Why are we playing the blind item gossip game here? Aren't we better than that? I am not, and play elsewhere. It seems as if we are above such things around here.

  • carrie

    John Mayer or Ashton Kutcher ? because there is some articles on them in her blog today

  • kirbyjay

    Please don't say Ashton Kutcher. I'd hate to think poor little Mila has to have sex through a peep hole

  • AudioSuede

    Random male celebrity I don't like whom I can only assume this article is about because there needs to be a reason for this article to exist other than to include a sexually suggestive header photo and to spread some oh-so-juicy gossip like "one guy that I won't say who it is so you can project this onto whomever you please does something when they have sex that is different than what other guys do when they have sex and it doesn't hurt anyone and it's not particularly offensive but isn't it gross let's judge him and then randomly guess who it is until by the scattershot effect one of us guesses who it is and we all laugh"!

    Did I guess it?

  • bastich

    Wrong! It's Chris Brown.

  • Naye

    I'd say Adam Levine, but I know lots of folk think he's hot and talented.

  • Brooke

    Billy Bob Thornton leaped to mind. Laura Dern, Angelina Jolie, the germ phobia, unattractive douche, it all seems to fit.

  • Aaron Schulz

    maybe except did he prance around nude with angelina like all the time?

  • Brooke

    So he says. Anyway, he used to be considerably less odd back then. He seems to be getting worse as he ages.

  • Maguita NYC

    Would be nice if we knew movie or TV.

  • damnitjanet

    Piven? He's a well-known douchetard.

  • Buellie413

    I was thinking John Mayer. Except that his hair would suggest that he is not of the neat freak variety.

  • emmalita

    I've heard things about him that are the opposite end of germaphobia.

  • Maguita NYC

    He is rather fond of nasty things.

    Also, such an unkempt beard for me is no sign of cleanliness.

  • Samantha Klein


  • VohaulsRevenge

    He's dead--and Francisco Franco, too.

  • Nathan Convey

    Franco just doesn't seem like someone who's got a thing about germs. He looks like he'd happily fuck someone in the dumpster behind a restaurant.

  • Drake

    Although the douchebag part is undeniable, he really doesn't qualify as not hot.

  • Maguita NYC

    And he was not long ago very talented. His douchiness however is slowly yet surely overcoming his talent.

  • Bedewcrock

    Ha! Who downvoted this?

  • bastich

    A Francophile, of course.

  • Samantha Klein

    Probably him. 'Cause he knows I'm right.

  • Maguita NYC

    That short guy who keeps inexplicably getting work and hot women?

    David Spade.

    This blind is disturbing. The person who reported on this... Must have witnessed it FIRST HAND. Pun intended.

  • VohaulsRevenge

    Not a bad guess. I wish I could remember where I heard it, but someone who was (supposedly) in the know said that David Spade always immediately showers after sex.

  • phofascinating

    Yeah my brain went to David Spade right away. Which makes visualizing it so much worse.

  • Maguita NYC

    Never understood the appeal. And there have been some really beautiful interesting women in the past!

  • Becks


  • Fredo

    Seth McFarlane?

  • Maguita NYC

    My first thought too... Except I've watched him often in interviews talk about anal sex (yeah, fits the douchebag) and oddly, I do not associate him anymore with germ phobia.

  • bastich

    So you're saying that he has a hole in the back of his boxers, too?

  • emmalita

    Perhaps he wears those lumberjack things with the buttons down the front and the flap in the back.

  • bastich

    I could see him moaning "oh god oh god" in Stewie's voice.

  • Thanks, pretty sure I'm sterile now.

  • simplysarah

    that creeped me out more than the blind item.

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