Thanks A Lot, Paris: Brandy's Brother and Bruce Jenner's Stepdaughter Make a Sex Tape
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Thanks A Lot, Paris: Brandy's Brother and Bruce Jenner's Stepdaughter Make a Sex Tape

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | April 1, 2013 | Comments ()


Apparently jealous that her BFF Paris spent most of the last few months flashing vag with Britney Spears (quick digression: how has she not checked into rehab yet? Seriously, that's just PR 101 for these quarter life crisis party binges. She can just check in with Lindsay!), Kim Kardashian has decided to attempt to propel herself into the upper D-list with a sex tape, featuring none other than Ray-J, brother to Brandy. So, let's all just go ahead and make this the soundtrack as you read the rest of this post.

According to TMZ, Kim has been offered $2 million dollars for the rights to this tape, which happens to feature some manner of golden shower situation, which, admittedly, is a step up in terms of commitment to the sex tape game. That said, between this and the Screech Dirty Sanchez thing, if bodily fluids are the new sex tape trend, I will have to quit celebrity gossip as a business, because I can't.

Seriously, this is just embarrassing, and if I already didn't hate Paris Hilton as much as is physically possible, I'd hate her even more for this dipshit trend of pathetic sadsackery. I don't understand why I have to be the one to explain this to these people, but that Paris thing? It was a fluke. The "sex tape launching a non-noteworthy person into the stratosphere of fame" was clearly a one-time thing. For everyone else, it's a minor blip on a slow TMZ news day, then fades like Donald Trump's hair does into his face flesh, if for no other reason than at some point we as a nation must say no. If the Paris incident has taught us anything, it's how this shit goes--now we've smartened up; we're onto the game. Burn me once with your night visioned genitals, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

So enjoy your precious minutes, Kim. See you in "The Surreal Life" house.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • e jerry powell

    Did you have to go back to the darkest day in American Cultural History?

    You have ruined April Fool's Day FOREVER.

  • kirbyjay

    Definitely a nosejob

  • sars

    what a pretty girl. she must be so embarassed to have her laundry aired out in public like this... I mean, her MOTHER will see this. Here's hoping she can overcome.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    But it was getting hot in there, so she had to take off all of her clothes.

  • Maguita NYC

    And the golden shower was because she was out of ice tea.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Who's Kim Kardashian? Is she OJ's lawyer's daughter?

  • googergieger


  • Four Eyes

    Oh, how far we have come!

  • Samantha Klein

    Can someone PLEASE go back in time and stop this from happening? The West/Kardashian Pregnancy Tour of 2013 is enough to make me want to go postal.

  • hickoryduck

    Who are the creeps trying to take advantage of her? She seems like a private person, poor girl. :(

  • Uriah_Creep

    I'm sure Kim doesn't care for all this publicity. I'm confident that this is the last we'll hear of the poor girl.

  • This just makes me sad that Kim trashed her looks to become another plastic cat-faced idiot. She had such unique and stunning good looks before and now she looks like a freak of nature.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    She is a SARS survivor, so lay off or step off! SARS is how we spell MRSA in Ontario.

  • poopnado

    She seems like a sweet girl, I'm sure she'll turn it around and live a nice, private life from now on.

  • Maguita NYC

    I agree. Her mother who hit a rough patch divorcing the man who defended OJ Simpson, is now leading a quiet suburban life raising her family away from the spotlight; Kim would fit back in nicely.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth


  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    man, motherfuckers will downvote anything around here.

  • Tinkerville

    There, there. I gave you an upvote to make it all better.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth


  • anikitty

    How much more exciting would it be to be validated in the Eloquent Eloquence?

  • Boothy K

    You are KILLING me today with this stuff!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oh, God, whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

    Side note: I once had a "sexy" nightie that fit me similarly to Kim's "dress" up there. Even my boobies-loving boyfriend of the time was like: that is too small. They aren't supposed to look like that.

    This April Fool's is depressing me.

  • DeltaJuliet

    If only.........

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