Questionable Pregnancies and Hideous Hatemongering: Your Day in Duggars
OK, here’s the thing about the Duggar family: they’re creepy fucking nightmare people. Here’s the other thing: they’re as fertile as they are creepy. But they’re not *that* fertile.
Here’s the story. A Duggar child person, Jill, married her boyfriend after being engaged for two months and together for, like, 20 minutes (they announced their “courtship” [fucking gag] to People March 31). This is how the Duggars do “courtship”:
Once the couple became engaged, they agreed that they would hold hands - a physical contact they decided to hold off until engagement. They will share their first kiss on their wedding day.
Here’s the thing. There is literally no way that’s what happened. And here’s why: exactly two months after their wedding, Jill is exactly two months pregnant.
I’m so sure.
After taking several pregnancy tests that came back negative, Jill was persuaded by her sisters to take one of her mom Michelle’s tests while she and Derick were visiting her parents’ home. This test gave her a very different result - it was positive!
“It was surreal,” says Derick. “We were shocked. Both of us are so excited.”
The happy couple, who are due in March, have been having fun sharing their news with their family.
“About 30 days after Jill and Derick got married they gathered everyone in the living room and shared the news,” Jim Bob, 49, tells PEOPLE. “Everyone was clapping and cheering, and we were in shock, too.”What do you think?
Cool story, creepyass family.
Like, sure, it’s basically possible to get pregnant the very first time you have sex. But that’s literally probably not what happened. Like, at all. At all at all. And that’s FINE. But fuck this kid’s parents for shilling a terrible message of good Christian bullshit while at least one of their kids is actually possibly acting like a normal 23 year old (23! She’s 23! She just held hands for the first time two months ago! Ugh. This poor child.)
Actually, fuck this kid’s parents for a lot of reasons. Fuck the Duggars.
Because Michelle Duggar’s latest work of art? A robocall accusing trans women of being child molesters who want to abuse children in public bathrooms.
Hello, this is Michelle Duggar. I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children. The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men - yes I said men - to use womens and girls restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only. I don’t believe the citizens of Fayetteville would want males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls. I doubt that Fayetteville parents would stand for a law that would endanger their daughters or allow them to be traumatized by a man joining them in their private space. We should never place the preference of an adult over the safety and innocence of a child. Parents, who do you want undressing next to your daughter at the public swimming pool’s private changing area? I still believe that we are a society that puts women and children first. Women, young ladies and little girls deserve to use the restroom or any other facility in peace and safety. Will you speak up for protecting women and children? Call 575-8330 and tell the Fayetteville City Council members and Mayor Jordan to vote ‘no’ on ordinance 119. The number again is 575-8330. For more information please go to www.freefayetteville.org. Paid for by freefayetteville.org.
So, TL;DR, here’s your takeaway:
This family has born and created a small, creepy cult of breeders who believe it’s a sin to hold hands with someone you’re not pledging your entire life to by your late teens or early 20s. Also, icky trans people, gross.
Once more with feeling: Fuck these people.
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