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Phantom Poopers: A Brief History

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | August 16, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | August 16, 2018 |


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Today the news broke that Johnny Depp, ever keeping it classy, accused Amber Heard of defecating in their marriage bed, because he hasn’t tormented her enough lately. No one would blame Amber if she did, but she’s denied being the potty poo pusher and puts the blame squarely on the couple’s dog, Boo. Per Heard’s publicist, Boo has bowel movements of epic proportions, and while they can’t be sure it was him…they were pretty sure it was him (emphasis mine). This, dear friends, is a case of a phantom pooper.

In a classic he said (she shit), she said (the dog shit), no one wins because to paraphrase Nigel Tufnel, you can’t really dust for poop, can you?

This newest case will have to join the long list of solved and unsolved instances of phantom pooping, the most recent of which I’ve painstakingly and lovingly compiled below.

Warning, only some of these people were caught:

Australia, 2018. A regular joe and member of Brisbane City Council Board is collared for repeatedly doing business of the bowel on a family’s lawn, even going so far to bring toilet paper, proving that this is premeditated pooping of the most egregious nature.

New Jersey, 2018. A superintendent is charged with defecating, this time on a football field track (is nothing sacred?). He was caught by his own sloppy negligence after feces was found so often that a security camera was set up with the express purpose of nabbing the number two-er.

Colorado, 2017. A phantom pooping jogger terrorizes a quiet neighborhood with her insatiable desire to pop a squat on her morning run outside of a family’s house. Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but she has apologized for her pooping. Too little, too late, we say. Justice, in this case, was flushed.

No one can say exactly when dropping a deuce on the down low became a phenomenon, but the Phantom Online Official Pooper Sleuthing community or, POOPS, point the likely uptick in modern times to a specific episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia entitled “Who Pooped the Bed?” Fortunately, the episode ultimately solved who was pooping the bed, but official POOPS policy is to not publish names, as it encourages copycat pooping.

The POOPS community sincerely hopes that Johnny Depp is more responsible with his accusations, understanding that copycat phantom pooping will likely be on the rise. Our thoughts and prayers are with Amber Heard and Boo at this time, mainly because Johnny Depp won’t keep her name out of his mouth.

One thing’s for sure, this isn’t the first time a phantom pooper has tormented a shared bed, and it won’t be the last time.



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