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Our Little Miley Cyrus is a Woman Now

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (27)

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As I write this, I am a sickly vomit monster who has a dog insistent upon being my living blanket and confused as to why I have less patience with her breath than usual, and who spent half the day lying motionless on an uncomfortably damp bathmat.

So when I say I’ve grown weary of skankteen-year-old Miley Cyrus, know that it comes from a place of pure, unadulterated disgust.

But good news everyone! Our little MiCy is 18 today, and that means that her intense sluttiness is now legal, and smiled upon in the eyes of the church (as learned from the Doctrine of Hypocritical Christians, where you can also learn such valuable lessons as “Anal don’t count, y’all”).

In her final act as a scandalous teenager, the artist formerly known as Destiny Hope went out with a bang, and by “bang” I mean dry humping some bro while wearing a leather bra and leggings ensemb.

Teen Ho Miley brought us such wonders throughout the years. Wonders liked hacked cellphone underwear pics, faux-outrage at her own topless Annie Leibovitz photos, pole dancing on award shows, underboob tattoos, making a slant-eye face, giving an older man a lapdance at a wrap party (her dad, in the creepy vein of Joe Simpson, said “that’s what people her age do”) and, of course, dressing up like a Lady Gaga nightmare bird and calling it a music video.

We’ll miss you underage Miley. And we greet this new legal future with all the Federlines in the world.

As we say goodbye to Jailbait Miley, let’s look back on her most wonderful asset: her duckface.

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Comments

It's always quite sad how our culture can gut a young girl's soul.

That sounded too morbid.

Ahem.

It's always quite salty how our culture can create loose morals in the depths of a Disney channel spawn.

Is that better?

Posted by: Sam at November 23, 2010 2:38 PM

She's an Upperlipper Sniffer!!!

I sometimes utilize that move after I've eaten pancakes slathered in maple syrup. Or a Krispy Kreme creme-filled doughnut. Or a dozen roses. Or your mom.

Posted by: Kballs at November 23, 2010 2:41 PM

I think even the pedos are tired of her.

Posted by: Ian at November 23, 2010 2:41 PM

I think even the pedos are tired of her.

By definition, I would think.

Posted by: sansho1 at November 23, 2010 2:43 PM

The duck face seems a natural for a stint as a hardcore "actress." 2014?

Posted by: Confucius Jackson at November 23, 2010 2:50 PM

The picture of Walter made my day. Now I must go back to watching Full House on tv.

Posted by: brian at November 23, 2010 2:51 PM

Her lips are frozen that way. My mom said it would happen, y'all.

Posted by: nat at November 23, 2010 2:55 PM

Anyone who does the "duckface", ironically or not, does not deserve to have lips. They deserve to have their lips surgically removed and implanted on a real duck, who would look less stupid in the long run.

Posted by: dahlia6 at November 23, 2010 2:55 PM

I guess I should have said the equal opportunity jackholes who make countdowns to when Disney-bots turn 18.

Posted by: Ian at November 23, 2010 3:08 PM

Today is Mr Smith's birthday too and though he is not quite eighteen, I am looking forward to getting home and being treated to...

"...Wonders liked hacked cellphone underwear pics, faux-outrage at her own topless Annie Leibovitz photos, pole dancing on award shows, underboob tattoos, making a slant-eye face, giving an older man a lapdance at a wrap party and, of course, dressing up like a Lady Gaga nightmare bird and calling it a music video."

Especially the pole-dancing and underboob tattoos! Yes!

Posted by: Mrs Smith at November 23, 2010 3:46 PM

My daughter was watching one of Miley's shows on the Disney channel this afternoon and I looked around and was suddenly struck, not by the duckface, but by the tremendous size of her teeth. Maybe that's why she does the duckface - to draw attention away from her teefs.

(Also, her brother kills me.)

Posted by: lingli at November 23, 2010 4:13 PM

The more I think about it, the more this whole “Miley turning 18 hysteria” annoys me. Is it really necessary for everyone to count down to the day that you can legally fuck Hannah Montana and put her duck face to good use? Does anyone remember when the Olsen twins turned 18? There were countdown clocks in bars across the nation to when that minute came, disgusting almost-pedophiles could cheer that they could now legally molest Michelle Tanner.

It’s really creepy and a lot disturbing.

Posted by: Stacey at November 23, 2010 4:44 PM

Today will be the day that Myrus pinpoints in later life, as the day when the whole house of cards began to fall.

The outrageous and morally bankrupt behavior of everyday before the big one-eight, was shocking, controversial and could be perhaps excused as the fault of her terrible parentage.

For an underage girl to act like that, to be exploited like that, was her entire hook.

But now, she's an adult and "that" is nothing more than sad and distasteful. There's nothing grotesque or unthinkable about a grown up acting like a hoochie... It's just, being a hoochie now.

Being a deviant as a famous child is an alarming and troubling thing. It's reported on by the media out of shock, concern or simply for the titilation factor. But if you're legal and a deviant... Well, I'm not sure what she does can even be thought of as being a deviant anymore. It's just being without class.

It's pathetic and boring and... Hey, what's on the other channel?

I don't know if it's different in the U.S. but her in Australia, the Olsen twins were a big ticket item. There was all this interest (varying from a parental to paedophilic nature) in the older men they dated, the parties they got hammered at, speculations about their drug habits and eating disorders. Then they turned 18. A few unseemly remarks of "legal age" and "old enough" and then... Nothing.

It wasn't until Heath Ledger's death that we were even reminded that the Olsens existed, and nothing after that.

Myrus is in for a much farther drop than that. If she wants to have anything close to the level of her former scandal now, she better knock over a liquor store.

Posted by: DarthBrookes at November 23, 2010 4:59 PM

Just to re-state one point - pedophiles are attracted to girls BEFORE puberty. Pedophiles might have been attracted to 10 year old Miley. Being attracted to 17 year old Miley wouldn't make
one a pedophile. If a guy was attracted to a 17 year old girl who looked exactly like Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like It Hot" that would not make him a pedophile. A pedophile could be attracted to a 17 year old girl if she looked like she was 10 years old.

This irritates me more than "I could care less".

Posted by: Pat C. at November 23, 2010 5:29 PM

The funny part is that someday, many years from now, the future children of young women like Miley will see those "duckface" pics (& the ones where her and other spoiled young white girls throw "gang signs") and those children are going to laugh and laugh some more. The first generation of children to grow up with digital cameras are going to regret it one day, no doubt.

Posted by: Churchston Winsthill at November 23, 2010 5:31 PM

Just to re-state one point - pedophiles are attracted to girls BEFORE puberty. Pedophiles might have been attracted to 10 year old Miley. Being attracted to 17 year old Miley wouldn't make one a pedophile...

Is that your story? For when the cops seize your computer? Or just what you tell yourself?

Posted by: What An Asshole! at November 23, 2010 5:59 PM

If they seized my computer, they sure would find a lot of pictures of Marilyn Monroe. Even a few nudes though - hopefully I could prove that really was Marilyn and that she really was 18 when the picture was taken.

Posted by: Pat C. at November 23, 2010 6:56 PM

I'm with Pat C. There isn't some switch that flips when a girl turns 18 that makes it "okay." Some girls have the emotional maturity when they're 15. Some women still don't have the emotional maturity to be having sex even after they're of age.

For example, I strongly doubt every female Pajiban abstained from intercourse until they were actually 18 years old. Some of them probably regret it because they weren't ready. Some of them probably don't, because they were.

There is no way to know whether or not Miley Cyrus is mature and responsible enough to be the woman she's already been pretending to be. All of us are forced to project our values onto her.

Me? I think if teenagers are emotionally and physically ready for sex then they should get to it. She obviously wants to be thought of as a sex symbol, so I can only hope that she's happy actually being seen that way.

Posted by: superasente at November 23, 2010 8:18 PM

"Hi, Miley, it's dad. Hey, congrats on hitting the Big 1-8 and ... well, I was just kind of wondering if you're doing anything tonight ... and, y'know, what you're wearing?"

Posted by: , at November 23, 2010 8:54 PM

There is not enough emphasis on how perfect that picture of Walter was; it made me snort-laugh. Brilliant, Courtney.

Posted by: Even Stevens at November 24, 2010 12:26 AM

Yeah, all this '18 is the magic number' wierdness you Americans have doesn't make sense to most of the rest of the world.

Posted by: Ender at November 24, 2010 9:52 AM

Lets face it. If she hadn't been born to a semi-famous redneck who sold her soul to the devil for the Disney gig she'd be spending her 18th birthday deciding on a career path of pole dancer or, go-for-your-dreams, XXX actress. At least if I was guidance counselor that's what I would tell her.

Posted by: logan at November 24, 2010 9:57 AM

The pedos of the world gave up on Miley the day Taylor Momsen woke up and decided to ignore the fact that she owned pants.

Posted by: Lennon at November 24, 2010 11:23 AM

What is this slut-shaming nonsense? So the kid grew aware of her sexuality while under a microscope - you do realize this is what a lot of teenagers tend to do, right? Puberty hits and the world starts responding to you and interacting with you in a different way and it's like having this shiny new toy - you want to play with it, explore it a bit. It's all a part of coming of age.

People tend to realize this about young men - they get their sex comedies, etc, and their feelings/experiences get validated. But young women get shamed, and mocked, and called sluts. Nice.

Posted by: MeganM at November 26, 2010 1:46 AM

I like the shot of Miles and the coke-addled bugeye tat man. Had he worn her leiderhosen tied as a do-rag I'd say it belongs in this year's Life.

Posted by: EZissou at November 27, 2010 2:48 PM

MeganM, normally I'd be right there with you, as slut-shaming aggravates the hell out of me, BUT in this case: Miley has spent a lot of time in the press over the years talking about Christian values and made a really big horking deal out of the (artistic, tasteful) Annie Liebovitz shoot and how wrong that was, while at the same time spending her free time getting hammered and taking spank shots of herself on her cell phone. So, for me, in this particular instance, her hypocrisy opens her to this kind of criticism.

I'm all for free expression of healthy sexuality, but when you make it your career to spout platitudes about prudery and morality and then turn around and do the exact opposite in "private," then we as your audience have the right to call you out on it.

Posted by: Tammy at November 27, 2010 3:57 PM

I like the shot of Miles and the coke-addled bugeye tat man. Had he worn her leiderhosen tied as a do-rag I'd say it belongs in this year's Life.

That, my friends, is Stephen Baldwin, embarrassing brother of Alec, born again former coke addled, bugeyed,tat man, probably trying to publicly convert MiCy to born againism while privately tring to remove her liederhosen.

Posted by: jan at February 21, 2011 11:54 AM