Our Little Miley Cyrus is a Woman Now
As I write this, I am a sickly vomit monster who has a dog insistent upon being my living blanket and confused as to why I have less patience with her breath than usual, and who spent half the day lying motionless on an uncomfortably damp bathmat.
So when I say I've grown weary of skankteen-year-old Miley Cyrus, know that it comes from a place of pure, unadulterated disgust.
But good news everyone! Our little MiCy is 18 today, and that means that her intense sluttiness is now legal, and smiled upon in the eyes of the church (as learned from the Doctrine of Hypocritical Christians, where you can also learn such valuable lessons as "Anal don't count, y'all").
In her final act as a scandalous teenager, the artist formerly known as Destiny Hope went out with a bang, and by "bang" I mean dry humping some bro while wearing a leather bra and leggings ensemb.
Teen Ho Miley brought us such wonders throughout the years. Wonders liked hacked cellphone underwear pics, faux-outrage at her own topless Annie Leibovitz photos, pole dancing on award shows, underboob tattoos, making a slant-eye face, giving an older man a lapdance at a wrap party (her dad, in the creepy vein of Joe Simpson, said "that's what people her age do") and, of course, dressing up like a Lady Gaga nightmare bird and calling it a music video.
We'll miss you underage Miley. And we greet this new legal future with all the Federlines in the world.
As we say goodbye to Jailbait Miley, let's look back on her most wonderful asset: her duckface.
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