Orlando Bloom Took a Swing at Justin Bieber Because Bieber Bragged About Banging Bloom's Ex-Wife

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Orlando Bloom Took a Swing at Justin Bieber Because Bieber Bragged About Banging Bloom's Ex-Wife

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrities Are Better than You | July 30, 2014 | Comments ()


I cannot tell you how little I care about this story, but I know that if I write it, people will click on it, and then I can tell my daughters one day that some irrelevant has-been by the name of Justin Bieber helped out them through preschool. And then they will say, “Justin Bieber? The Prime Minister of Canada,” and I will say, “Yep. With the funny hat? One and the same.”

Anyway, Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber were in the same restaurant in Ibiza, because that fucking snot-nosed little sh*t shows up everywhere that other celebrities can be found. Orlando Bloom, whose career is tenuously being held afloat by the f*cking Hobbit, was there, and the other f*cking hobbit, Justin Bieber, reached out to shake his hand. Bloom declined, and I guess Bieber said something about f**king his ex-wife, Victoria Secret model, Miranda Kerr.

Here’s what Page Six had to say about the dumb encounter:

“Justin was at one table, and Orlando was at another,” a source told us. “But when Bieber and his party were later walking past Bloom’s table, Orlando refused to shake Bieber’s hand.” Then, “Bieber said something rude to Orlando, like, ‘She was good.’”

TMZ filled in the backstory:

The backstory is almost legendary … Justin partied with Orlando’s then-wife Miranda Kerr after a 2012 Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC and they got very VERY close. And in April of this year, Orlando was hanging out with Justin’s on-and-off GF Selena Gomez. So the bad blood is flowing.

Look, I’d be pissed, too, if I found out that I was — uh, Eskimo Brothers? — with Justin Bieber, and I would probably take a swing, too, out of frustration and general embarrassment and because my pride had been hurt and because Justin Bieber is a little, little boy.

There was a little video that you can watch on TMZ, but there’s nothing good in it, and it doesn’t capture the punch being thrown or anything, and it’s really not worth watching. But you can see that Bloom and Bieber occupied the same room at the same time, and aroma of douche probably had to be removed with industrial cleaners afterwards.

UPDATE. Now there is footage. It’s still pretty weak. What a shitty “punch.”

Of course, now I understand why Bieber was there. TMZ cameras were in the vicinity.

Ideally, the two would just beat each other senseless, the final Hobbit movie will scree, Bieber’s career will faceplant into oblivious, and we’ll be done with them.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • duckandcover

    Okay, everyone in this story needs some Jesus in their life. Justin Bieber's obviously easier to explain, as his exploits are in the rag mags more times than we'd like to see. However, Orlando Bloom is 37 and he's allegedly "hanging out" (*A-WINK, A-WINK, HONK HONK*) with a 22-year-old ex-girlfriend of a 20-year-old shithead who's allegedly banged said 37-year-old's 31-year-old ex?


  • Orlando, look, I get it. Your star is fading fast, but you've been in enough action movies where I am CERTAIN you had even the briefest of fight training. Your right hook is severely lacking. You're like a Magikarp* flailing about and--GASP!--nothing happened! FYI: Land that blow and the internet will make you a god.

    *Yes, I compared Bloom to a Pokemon. He brought it upon himself.

  • Jamie

    I know that they're not incredible films and i know that you have your reasons for not liking them, and i will admit they are nothing compared to the lord of the rings, but pajiba's bombardment of hatred towards the hobbit films, on seemingly every post, makes it very distressing to us readers who actually rather like them.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    It'll pass, most Pajiba (Rowles) obsessions do. The Kendrick one can't be soon enough.

  • Maddy

    And this is where I tell people that I know Miranda Kerr's cousin and that is my claim to fame,

  • Maddy

    Team Legolas!

  • I put in my two cents when you guys called Snowpiercer an Eskimo snuff film, so now I'm back to say a little more forcefully: Lay off the word "Eskimo." Seriously.

    To an Inuit person, being referred to as "Eskimo" is something like how a black person might feel being called "Negro." It's not quite the n-bomb, but it's in that direction. Just because there aren't a ton of them to offend doesn't make it any more excusable in my mind.

    I'm going with a 3-strike policy on this one. I told you twice. Next time I'm calling you a bigot.

  • Kenny G.

    Orlando should know better...you don't hit girls!

  • Sassy Pikachu

    Hey, us girls don't want to be associated with that thing either, we don't like that insult. >:D

  • thebluestepside

    Pajba, you're better than this. Embedding a TMZ video? Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

    And yes, I realize I'm guilty too just because I clicked the link, but I was curious who the ex-wife was, not about the general Biebs/Bloom douchebaggery.

  • John G.

    And now, people covering stories they don't want to cover:


  • oilybohunk7

    The same way I know hardly anything about and care very little about boxing other than rooting for "Not Floyd Mayweather Jr", I'm rooting for "Not Justin Bieber".

  • Maydays

    I'm only one cup of coffee into the day, but we could make this post worthwhile and explain "Eskimo Brothers". I mean, I get the context, but I don't get the origin. I feel like it will make me laugh and wash away the Bieber gross.

  • Sara_Tonin00
  • ArielleC

    Eskimo brothers are men who have slept with the same woman ... I first heard it on The League. I've also heard the woman version called "Pogo Sisters" for obvious, understated reasons.

  • JustOP

    I don't like Justin Beiber, I do like Orlando Bloom. The fact that Orlando Bloom attempted to give the little shite a clip round the ear has endeared him to me further.

  • Formerly Known as Melody

    You realize that the Canadians may revolt at the mere suggestion that that douche waffle could one day be their PM, right?

  • Uriah_Creep

    True. I'm thinking of burning down Pajiba HQ for that little "joke".

  • Maguita NYC

    ...Uhm, this whole story.


  • Sassy Pikachu

    I just like that Colbert was disappointed that Orlando missed the punch.

  • The only Miranda Justin Beiber should be intimately acquainted with goes by the last name of Rights.

  • Edit: poopy pants

  • "I cannot tell you how little I care about this story, but I know that if I write it, people will click on it, and then I can tell my daughters one day that some irrelevant has-been by the name of Justin Bieber helped out them through preschool. And then they will say, “Justin Bieber? The Prime Minister of Canada,” and I will say, “Yep. With the funny hat? One and the same.”

    That's good lede paragraphin right there.

  • zeke_the_pig

    As if Justin Bieber could fuck anything that wasn't brought to him on a plate and paid handsomely to be there for the two and a half minutes that the arduous process would last.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    But seriously, what could a woman like Kerr find appealing about Bieber?

  • mzblackwidow

    and vice versa, believe it or not. I know she is very attractive but ...... well let's just say I think they are a fitting pair.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    If you'll permit me, I could also rephrase your question to "what could a woman like Miranda Kerr find appealing about the douche who sold his dignity to star in a movie like Elizabethtown?".

  • Sara_Tonin00

    aw, c'mon - Orlando Bloom probably just wanted a chance to wear normal person pants in a movie.

  • He probably had some REALLY good cocaine.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    She has a thing for fetuses?

  • emmalita

    Maybe she thought, "who can I bang that will really embarrass my soon to be ex husband?" Justin Bieber will always be in the top 10 on that list.

  • alwaysanswerb


    Nose... spite... face... thing

  • Coss

    Yep, totally agree.

  • Emily Smith

    But surely the embarrassment he would bring to her would out weigh the embarrassment to her ex?

  • emmalita

    You are thinking like a sane person. One cannot contemplate coitus with Biebs from the position of a sane person.

  • Emily Smith

    Look, I think I'm fairly sane, and I *think* there's enough alcohol in the world for me to think about BLANKING with BLANK.

    Given my inability to type that out properly right now, half a bottle of champagne is clearly not enough.

  • Pawesl

    "Onomatopoeia"? Considering I'm not seeing any sound effect words. I think you are looking for Alliteration. And it looks like they've updated with a video of the punch being thrown

  • Blam!

  • Siege

    And the alliteration would have been even better had he used "baby-momma" instead of "ex-wife."

    Though, to be fair, I'm really really glad he didn't.

  • pajiba

    Do they have a child together, too? GOD. These people.

  • Classic

    Yes unfortunately they do. Another gossip site (Lainey) outed her as having sex with Beiber and Leo DiCaprio while married. Ugh. Poor Orlando Bloom.

  • mzblackwidow

    apparantly she had sex with anything that would stand still long enough while she was married. I like Orlando Bloom, nothing to dislike. He is certainly WAY too good for his thankfully ex wife.

  • pajiba

    Oh you! Thanks, corrected. It's early and I'm disgusted by this whole thing and I hate myself for writing about it.

  • oilybohunk7

    I don't cate either way but it seems like you intended to put asterisks in all the naughty words but missed the first f bomb.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    [Quickly fixed, nice]

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