Justin Bieber Arrested for Being Justin Bieber
Pour out some Labatt Blue because the great north’s native son—the one they don’t like to talk about at dinner—has been arrested for DUI and drag racing. And not even the cool Alyssa Edwards and Jinx Monsoon kind of drag racing—the douche/dangerous (doucherous?) kind. So he’s being put away on six counts of being 2 Fast and 2 Furious.
Joffy Biebsicles has had a weird couple months, replete with hookers and eggs and texts with Selena Gomez where he says really sweet, gentlemanly things. The black boxes are censored dick pics.
*fans self* Oh, lay-deeez! He’s single now!
Anyway, this happened in Florida so who knows how this could go. They might execute him; they might make him president of Tampa. That place is a crapshoot. But, ultimately, at difficult times like this, we must think of the children.
Hi, tween girls who inexplicably still enjoy Justin Bieber despite his rampant attempts to shake you like a spider in his hair. You probably have a lot of questions about where your special boy went, the one who swore that, as long as you loved him, he could be homeless and broke. Well, that special boy is terrible and you need to move on to something else. I understand that Lorde girl is something of a thing. Those One Direction boys have neat hair. It doesn’t seem like you’re picky. You’ll be fine. *pats heads* There, there, stupid children. There, there.
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