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Giant Reasonably Attractive Breasts Do Not An Actress Make

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (39)



527df_katy-perry-to-gues.jpg

As I stared in abject horror at CNN all day Saturday, only one thing could pull my view from the tragedy unfolding before our eyes: the CNN ticker at the bottom of the screen saying “Katy Perry to guest star on How I Met Your Mother.

Before anyone thinks me insensitive, I was mostly drawn to it because I found it so strangely thoughtless. “Yes, yes, this unspeakable nightmare is happening in Arizona. But look! The lady with the boobies!” But with time, I grew to look past the careless tickering toward its message. And its message is that I’m supposed to be interested by the appearance of Katy Perry on How I Met Your Mother. And I am not.

I am an appreciator of a good cameo or guest spot: most, if not all, guests on 30 Rock and Arrested Development, the entire show Extras, Joss Whedon’s appearance as Lorne’s brother Numfar. Yes, some cameos are wonderful. And then some cameos are Paris Hilton on Veronica Mars. Or Paris Hilton on The OC. Or Paris Hilton on Supernatural. Seriously, why was that Harry Twatter on so many shows I like?

With a few delightful exceptions, few things pain me so much as terrible guest star appearances. Here are some of the worst offenders. And some of them hurt.

How I Met Your Mother
I adore HIMYM. Adore. It is one of maybe three shows on television right now I refuse to miss. That said, they are ritual abusers of The Cameo and they do it in increasingly painful ways. Perhaps the aforementioned Katy Perry will blow my mind’s face and be great, or maybe she’ll be Carrie Underwood.

Some HIMYM guests have been shockingly awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed Mandy Moore, Enrique Iglesias, Nicole Scherzinger, even Britney Spears (it’s precious that I say “even” as though I don’t love Britney Spears like the cupcake she is). Will Shortz even got a cameo, which is the best thing ever. But then the decision was made to just throw the most random assortment of stars at the wall and hope they stick. Regis, Trebek, Jennifer Lopez, Kendra Wilkinson, Heidi and goddamn Spencer and Kim Kardashian. None of these have been out and out horrible, and most have been pretty fun, but I must beg them to cease. Cool it. Step away from the stunt casting. Unless it’s Kyle McLachlan. Because we need more Kyle McLachlan.



Carson Daly on Daria: Is It Fall Yet?

You know, voice work isn’t for everyone. Particularly boring people. Particularly on otherwise outstanding shows.

Is It Fall Yet? featured two other guest stars: Bif Naked, and a complete waste of Dave Grohl. I don’t do well when Dave Grohl isn’t utilized to his full advantage, and that still doesn’t come close to incensing me quite like Daly as Quinn’s summer tutor. His lines are read with all the heart and passion of the stoner reading aloud in a high school drama class. When Daria and Jane sound emotionless, it’s great. When Daly does, it’s not on purpose.

There’s no video that I can find, but, here, watch this. Or just buy the DVDs already. I can’t live your life for you.

Jack Black, Cloris Leachman and Jessica Alba, The Office
I don’t want to talk about it.

Ashanti, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I’m on the record as saying Season 7 is probably my favorite. Sometimes I forget why. This is one of those sometimes.


Bristol Palin, The Secret Life of the American Teenager

You know, if we keep letting them do things, they’ll never go away.

Leonard Cohen, Miami Vice
Wait, what? I take it all back. Guest stars are fine.









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Comments

I'm pretty sure Katy Perry doesn't have giant breasts.

Posted by: Brenton at January 11, 2011 2:17 PM

Seriously? It's HIMYM. It's a 20 minute episode. The cameo are usually at most at about 3-4 minutes long. No sane human being would complain about this

Posted by: Yesplease at January 11, 2011 2:20 PM

Oh dear God thank you for that Cohen clip! I HAD NO IDEA.

Lucy Lawless on Veronica Mars was pretty righteous too, though. As was Whedon.

Posted by: wojtek at January 11, 2011 2:22 PM

Brian Williams on 30 Rock!

Posted by: camytaru at January 11, 2011 2:25 PM

Boy George on The A-Team.
Hulk Hogan on The A-Team.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 11, 2011 2:31 PM

Cohen was awesome, and I remember it live.

Put "Alexandra Leaving" on in the background and let him say "tu vas a Miami maintenant" over and over again. It's beautiful.

Plus, that chick was wearing teal blue shoes. Teal blue, with a pastel pink belt. Ah, the visual discomfort of the eighties!!

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 11, 2011 2:33 PM

I believe Katy Perry is a 34D, as am I, but she is a small framed gal, and they look pretty large on her.
Like with many things, it isn't the size that is most important, it is what you DO with it/them that counts. In her case, it is to put them out there, front and center, and give the world a visual motorboat. That WHORE! I bet she weeps openly all the way to the bank.

Miami Vice: 27 seconds in and we have our first white pleated slacks, and HOLY TURQUOISE SHOES, Batman! {sigh} Ah, the 80's.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 11, 2011 2:34 PM

I've never even heard of Is It Fall Yet or Secret Life of Who gives a rat's ass but the Palin's shouldn't be on anything let alone scripted telev- Whoops.

I think it's funny that Jack Black would do a guest spot on a popular TV show when his appearance on Community was pretty much making fun of guest spots.

Posted by: Paultera at January 11, 2011 2:37 PM

Bristol Palin could have a love child with me whenever she wanted. Whenever. Her wooden acting is so hot. Did you know Palin=Plain? I just realized that when I spelled it wrong. GO ME!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 11, 2011 2:41 PM

The Leonard Cohen subtitles actually reads like a poem, at least with that richly seductive voice of his.

Posted by: michael murray at January 11, 2011 2:42 PM

Wow...I've always considered myself a HUGE Buffy fan but I completely wiped out all memory of Ashanti. That was a horrific storyline/cameo. Arguably the worst thing that happened to Xander...and he's been through some shit if you'll recall.

Posted by: valerie at January 11, 2011 2:52 PM

Cohen and a snapping alligator. Now that's something you don't see everyday...

Posted by: agent bedhead at January 11, 2011 3:08 PM

I am not a huge fan of Katy Perry's music or her in general, but I will not deny that she carries her rack well. Calling her boobs "reasonably attractive" is not doing anyone any good. They are pretty spectacular and should be acknowledged as such. It's easier that way.

You don't see Dustin hiding behind weak phrases like "reasonably attractive" when talking about other men's abs.

She does indeed have a formidable rack, but I reserve gushing for when I've seen them sans the assistance of pushup bras and cutlets. I'm selective with my compliments. Some would call me judgmental and cruel. Some would be right. -CE

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 11, 2011 3:08 PM

Oui....MIAMI

My new codeword for "I've got some shit serious Leonard fucking Cohen style business to take care of"

Oui Danielle. Ca va Danielle.

No question mark necessary, because that was a threat, not a question. And that is how I'm going to begin phone conversations from now on.

Posted by: rebecca h. at January 11, 2011 3:09 PM

Oh, and Season 7 of Buffy was not good. I wish it was, I really do, but it wasn't.

Even it's handful of good episode weren't as strong as the handful of good episodes found in other weak seasons, like 5 and 6.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 11, 2011 3:11 PM

Brian Williams is never not awesome on 30 Rock. He doesn't exactly have gigantic tits, though.

Posted by: MeganTheFirst at January 11, 2011 3:11 PM

32 D...Lindsey. She says so herself at 1:45
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmHaEgeiX1A

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 11, 2011 3:12 PM

Now that I've read the amended title, I would have to agree that Brian Williams' tits are reasonably attractive.

Posted by: MeganTheFirst at January 11, 2011 3:14 PM

Alan Thicke on HIMYM - great cameo. Blame Canada!

Posted by: Tranjo at January 11, 2011 3:14 PM

Well, I was close. I read 34 somewhere. I didn't actually waste my energy WATCHING a Katy Perry link. My argument stands, she isn't THAT big, and one way or another, her 15 minutes will be up soon enough.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 11, 2011 3:15 PM

I had to watch the clip to recall when Heidi and goddamn Spencer and Kim Kardashian were on the show. Didn't even register as a cameo at the time.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at January 11, 2011 3:28 PM

Katy Perry is cute. She dresses in a fun way, has a good sense of humor, and has a lot of great energy.
I don't think she'll ruin your precious sitcom.

Posted by: OhComeNow at January 11, 2011 3:29 PM

Katy Perry on HIMYM: It depends on the role they give her. They're usually pretty good at giving the cameos with acting chops real roles, and those without get the quick, fun bits (Britney Spears' surprising adorableness is the exception.)

I was kerfuffled when they did the Speidi cameo, too, but it was relegated to a magazine cover and lasted all of 10 seconds. Easy to live with, and it worked as being part of Marshall's child-like imagination. Friends used to do cameos all the time, and they made each one a much bigger part of the episode than was really required. Except Tom Selleck, of course. He should've been a regular.

Posted by: RobP at January 11, 2011 3:46 PM

I thought Britney's first appearance on HIMYM was good. The second appearance, not so much. Stunt casting on the show always seems to work better when the guests are given small roles.

Posted by: csb at January 11, 2011 4:36 PM

I cannot think of any TV show, past or present, that could not be improved by the addition of Leonard Cohen.

Posted by: Harold at January 11, 2011 6:07 PM

I didn't watch the original run of Veronica Mars, despite my initial interest, because all the promos kept blaring "PARIS HILTON GUEST STARS!".

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 11, 2011 6:21 PM

I read 34D and I knew it was Lindsey with an 'e' even before I scrolled lower to her name. Why is it I have your boob size memorized, Lindsey dear?

Posted by: pickled tink at January 11, 2011 6:58 PM

Katy Perry is a plague on this world. She has great boobs. They are attached to a woman who cannot sing, cannot write music, dresses like an idiot, sings songs that pander to men by lying (she's never kissed a girl, just realized she wasn't pretty enough to get by on anything else, wears a shit ton of makeup to disguise her mediocre looks, is overexposed etc.

But, I suspect, the people who still watch HIMYM love this sort of thing...

Posted by: stump at January 11, 2011 7:01 PM

I came into this thread expecting to see massive cans.

/disappointed

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 11, 2011 7:40 PM

Since when is a D not considered big?

Posted by: tinmo at January 11, 2011 7:46 PM

Oh man, I wiggled and squealed when Will Shortz showed up on HIMYM. I was the only one. The scene in my room actually closely mirrored the one on the screen.

But I found it glorious because I have adored that man since, like, middle school.

Posted by: Shibuyama at January 11, 2011 9:29 PM

Boy George on The A-Team.
Hulk Hogan on The A-Team.
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 11, 2011 2:31 PM

Proof positive that cocaine is a helluva drug.

Posted by: bignick at January 11, 2011 9:37 PM

A couple of details about Leonard Cohen's appearance on Miami Vice:

In 1986, Leonard Cohen, at the urging of his son, Adam, who was a fan of the show, guest-starred on Miami Vice, playing Francois Zolan, a senior executive in the French Secret Service engaged in an illegal operation to blow up Greenpeace boats. He appeared in two very short sections on the end of a telephone, speaking in French.

As Cohen himself explained in an interview with Adrian Deevoy, his performance turned out to be more iconic than talented:

"In truth, I had a much bigger part. I went down there and did my first scene and the assistant director rang me up and said, You were really great, truly wonderful. And I said, OK, thanks a lot. Then the casting director from New York called me up and said, You were fantastic, truly wonderful! And I said, You mean I’m fired. And he said, 'Yeah, we’re cutting all your other scenes and giving them to another guy.'”

Posted by: DrHGuy at January 11, 2011 10:51 PM

@ pickled tink
Probably from all the pictures.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 11, 2011 11:16 PM

Wow I really must have some selective memory because I do not remember that Ashanti guest bit at all ( I DO however remember Nathan Fillion, yum). I have to say though, I think this is the first time I've disagreed with you, I thought 7 was Buffy's weakest. Any fun or levity the show had was completely sucked out... I know end of the world yada yada but it just rang false with me.

Posted by: Even Stevens at January 12, 2011 1:10 AM

@Lindsey:Pictures? Where? I mean...I know I'm new around here, but...pretty please??

Posted by: Mark M at January 12, 2011 1:29 AM

@Mark M
Knowing what your favorite Pajibans look like is one of the many perks of joining us over on Facebook.
But Pickled Tink is special. She gets special pictures. {winks}

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2011 3:17 AM

"But then the decision was made to just throw the most random assortment of stars at the wall and hope they stick."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could actually do that? Without the hopes of stickage? Feature this:
Random Officious Casting Dude: Love-Hewitt is very interested in this script.
Me: Throw her to the wall. Hard.
ROCD: Channing Tatum wants to audition.
Me: Who?
ROCD (checks notes): Charming Potato.
Me: Throw him to the wall. Mash him.
etc etc.

Posted by: cinekat at January 12, 2011 10:14 AM

Veronica Mars suffered greatly from network interference when it came to guest "stars". From what I understand, Paris Hilton was pretty much mandated by the network and was an absolute nightmare to work with.

Also, America's Next Top Model awarded roles on VM as challenge prizes for three contestants: one doomed teacher on an exploding bus, one sarcastic car rental clerk, and the secretary for a sleazy politician.

Posted by: Craig at January 12, 2011 1:05 PM