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People Magazine Doesn’t Understand the Concept of the Letter 'C'

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | August 20, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | August 20, 2018 |


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Today People breathlessly reported on the alleged relationship between Ashley Benson (of Pixels fame) and Cara Delevigne (co-author of Mirror Mirror: A Novel) with the headline: “Ashley Benson Wears ‘C’ Initial Necklace After Being Spotted Kissing Cara Delevingne (but What Does it Mean?)

Since People is the go-to publication for celebrities and their representatives when they want to release photos of their children, announce divorces, and subliminally embed Illuminati messaging, we can only conclude that the author of this particular article doesn’t understand the letter “C.”

In the world of #fakenews, this amount of confusion over the third letter in the alphabet can’t do. How can People report on the 1973 classic Coffy, or anything related to Carl Reiner if they’re unclear as to what “C” means? As a professional courtesy, we set out to shed clarity on the situation.

Not wanting to beat around the bush, we went straight to the experts but they weren’t much help.

We tracked down someone who claimed to be a linguist on the internet:

Originally, C spelled the sound /g/. But, with some help from the Etruscans, the Romans got into a bit of a tangle here, and they wound up using C to spell both the sound /g/ and the sound /k/, while they hardly used the letter K at all. Eventually, realizing this was a bad idea, they invented a new letter, G, to spell the sound /g/, and they then used C exclusively to spell the sound /k/.

This was the system borrowed from the Romans by the Anglo-Saxons. Originally C spelled only /k/ in Old English. But then the pronunciation of English changed. (Larry Trask)

To be honest, that was a lengthy response, and because we don’t have a time machine to go back to Roman times to verify these claims, we must treat it as pure speculation and thus ignore these findings completely (apologies to Mr. Trask.)

Finally, we resorted to the dictionary for a literal definition:

the third letter of the English alphabet, a consonant.

Back to square one.

We’re not sure we’ve solved the mystery of the letter “C” for People, and may have to suggest they categorize “C” the same way the epistemological scholars the Insane Clown Posse reached their conclusion on magnets: an acceptance that while you don’t understand the meaning behind magnets (or in this case, the letter “C”) you can accept that it exists via magic (again, apologies to Mr. Trask.)

On a completely unrelated note, it appears Ashley Benson and Cara Delevingne are dating, or whatever the kids call it these days.

Mazel tov, you two!



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