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Another Open Letter to Taylor Swift

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | January 22, 2013 | Comments ()


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Dear Taylor,

Trick, PLEASE, you are not.

xoxo, Courtskies


















Okay, fine, I can give you more than that. But I'm not happy about it. BECAUSE IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS, YOU GUYS.

So, apparently, according to Radar, my super totes BFF forever/mortal enemy Taylor Swift is "mortified" by the amount of attention she gets for her love life.

Let's all take a quick laugh break at that sentence.

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Oh, wait. I mean...

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Because, Tay Tay, you are not amused by this. You are certainly not and would never cash in on gossip and attention like this, like some whorey brunette or something. You are adorable, after all.

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And deep.

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So deep. Right, Andrew?

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So, clearly you would never stoop to using your love life to gain traction and attention. You're just speaking your truth. THAT'S JUST WHO YOU ARE. You are a unique snowflake and, dammit, you're just waiting for your perfect fancy prince.

Look, people who are pulling the "slut" word nonsense because you've had a bunch of boyfriends, that's stupid. Particularly since at least five of them have been plagued by gay rumors for the majority of their careers, meaning there's a high likelihood that those relationships were about as sexual as John Travolta's and Kelly Preston's. That's not the point here. Date whoever you want, whenever you want, as much as you want. Get it, gurl.

But.

You have devoted your career thus far to writing sadsack songs about sadsack love based on true stories, complete with hidden codes in your liner notes so that fans can figure out exactly who you're talking about. You've let us in, whether we've wanted in or not. So you're not upset that people are talking about this. At the very minimum, with the most supreme benefits of the doubt, you are mad at the direction of the story, that you're looking more "beardy stalker" and less like the virginal Charlotte of your lunch table you've been trying to market yourself as. Putting aside what a potentially damaging image that is for your fans ("if a boy doesn't like you, it's because of some other girl who has lots of the sex, and definitely has nothing to do with you and has even less to do with him, because boys who don't like you just haven't realized your unique snowflakeness yet, not that they're just not fucking into you and you shouldn't waste time on them anyway, because that would be crazy. SIT OUTSIDE HIS WINDOW AND READ HIM YOUR HORSE POETRY.") it's fake. It's phony. You know it.

YOU DATED JOHN MAYER, GIRLFRIEND. You've got some dirty to you. I want to see that Taylor. Not this one. This one is boring.

And, for the record, Michael J. Fox was a saint for calling you, and probably only did it so your dick fans would stop making threatening Parkinson's-related comments on Twitter about him daring to speak ill of you. Bunch of whiny little butthurts, I tell you.







Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Buck Forty

    I am astounded that so many Pajibans (contributors and commentators alike) care so deeply (albeit negatively) about Taylor Swift. Are you all just venting, or is there some mistaken belief that if y'all pile on her it will spread across the Internet, reach a tipping point, and kill her career? Are you trying to embarrass radio stations into not playing her music? She sells millions of records (none of which bought or listened to by me), she writes and records her own material, she seems very much in control of her career/business, and yet you want to make her a target rather than the industry manufactured drones that also sell millions.

    Some artists believe they write their best material via any manner of illicit substances, so if Swift feels she can only write after dating and breaking up with douchebags then all power to her. She's got many more albums left in her, because there are plenty available.

  • SoMuchSacred

    Seriously, how is she not tired of her own shtick? Jesus. I remember being in middle school and thinking love was unicorns with rainbows shooting out of their asses AND IT WAS EXHAUSTING. I cannot imagine keeping that crap up for 10 years... she must be so mentally wiped-out all the time. Ugh.

  • Ben

    Man I would have a lot more respect for her if she just went around banging all these dudes and having fun like "Yeah theres a chick who likes banging dudes and having fun, rock on" but man either there's something really wrong with her to get into this many serious relationships so quickly, or the relationships are all bullshit and she's just starting them to be able to write songs about em.

  • babykangarootribbiani

    i remember when her first album came out, i LOVED taylor swift. i thought she was the neatest thing since sliced bread, but with every high profile relationship that lasts for three months it becomes increasingly hard to feel anything but contempt for the girl because she makes money off all these relationships and damages people's lives in the process! my roommate is a lot like taylor swift, in the way that she;s had a different roommate every semester she;s been in college, and of course they were all the problem, but the only constant in every situation was her. taylor swift is the same way, it;s never her fault that these relationships end, and of course it has nothing to do with the fact she has the mental capacity of a five year old.
    i tip my imaginary fah-reaking hat to tina fey and michael j fox for standing up to the princess of evil, i wish tina fey had fans who could stomp out taylor swift;s obnoxious army of fans (and did anyone notice that tina fey and michael j fox are both brunettes? no wonder)

  • Quatermain

    Here you go, Courtney, the Bad Lip Reading version of Taylor Swift. It might assuage your rage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Sarah

    The Andrew gem is gold. Whedonites FTW.

  • Dinka

    Has this chick ever been with someone more than a moon cycle?

  • BWeaves

    Kanye was the best thing that ever happened to this chick. Barely anyone knew who she was before that. Oh, yeah, she won an award, but nobody would have cared if Kanye didn't Kanye her.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I would love to see the reaction if that happened now.

  • e jerry powell

    I shall excrete upon a pile of Tay Tay snowflakes, and then drive a dirty SUV over it.

    I can't even see her anymore. There's nothing to her.

    I don't normally do this. I swore I would never do this to anyone, in fact, but I seriously wish Terry Richardson on Taylor Swift. Couldn't be too much worse than John Mayer, right?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Jesus, dude. Slow your roll.

  • e jerry powell

    Which part, the SUV or Terry Richardson?

  • Deidra

    Taylor isn't Regina. There are no diabolical plots.

    It's Karen. TAYLOR SWIFT IS MADE OF KAREN!

  • TK

    Every time I read something about this woman, my neck cracks and my mouth tastes like copper.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You’ve let us in, whether we’ve wanted in or not.

    Er, I don't want in. So I haven't gone in. The end.

    (though I did want to read a takedown, because she grates on me for exactly the points at the end of this piece. Spot on. Says someone "not in.")

  • Kballs

    She had it turned on her recently when that One Direction kid said she wouldn't put out and that's why they broke up. Taylor probably hated that because he didn't even bother to put his complaint to lyrics, having the fucking AUDACITY to talk about their relationship in public without first spending millions of dollars of his record company's money for 3 months of studio magic and a press tour where he coyly denies that he's singing about her, wink-wink.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    What this girl needs is to actually be in a real relationship, with real feelings involved. Doesn't matter if the guy is a good guy or a total dickwad, she needs to be in a serious relationship that lasts more than a month and that ends in a way that doesn't involve contracts, publicists, or beard rumors. She needs to get her heart broken for real. That's the only way this idiotic and condescending facade of hers is going to come down.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I think the part of this post that enraged me the most (and it was a goddamn smorgasbord of rage) was the second sentence of Swifty's little "clear the air" tweet about Michael J. Fox..."Thanks for having my back."

    THANKS FOR HAVING MY BACK?!?!?!?! All the awful, fucktardy, psychotic shit the fans "having her back" spewed mindlessly on various social media and she calls that having her back?!?!?! What an awful, awful twat...

    I just--I can't--I have no--OH MY GOD I SMELL BURNT TOAST I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE AJSJFDBDGISD)(ER&UWQHSDFVF(S*FYTBVSODFRISODG

  • Kd

    It scares me that those people "had her back" on Twitter much like Team Breezy wished death threats on Miranda Lambert and Chrissy Teigen after they had the nerve to ask why the Grammy's had forgiven Chris Brown. Also, I thought Fox's comment about "Sam, you piece of sh*t" was hilarious and spot-on.

  • Bert_McGurt

    It'd be one thing if it was some regular Hollywood guy, but it's not. It's Michael J. F*cking Fox. Unless your name is Hanks or Murray, you really don't get much more beloved than that.

  • e jerry powell

    I'll have her back.

    Seared and braised. With new potatoes, blanched asparagus, and a nice merlot. I'll invite Helen Mirren to dine with me. We'll eat in the red room.

  • Paisley Poppins

    props for a "The Cook, the Thief...etc" allusion. well played.

  • e jerry powell

    True.

    Does that mean I don't get to eat her?

  • Paisley Poppins

    No no, I think that alone should get you a pass at any revenge banquet.

  • It was a righteous fucking stroke.

  • 724wd

    taylor swift doesnt like brunettes? BOOO!!!

    taylor swift exists? BOOO!!!

  • lowercase_ryan

    so who do you think will end up buying herself the bigger engagement ring, Taylor or Jennifer Love Hewitt?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Meow.

    I have actually thought that Hewitt should buy herself and engagement ring and get it over with. She might find it quite freeing.

  • lowercase_ryan
  • Mrs. Julien

    Not choose, BUY! Just buy herself the damn ring already.

  • poopnado

    She'll grow up eventually. Right? Just one more douchebag boyfriend and then she'll be right as rain.

  • You have the most amazing nickname ever. I just had to tell you that.

  • poopnado

    Aw shucks. :-)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Awesome until it comes for your trailer.

  • Wicked

    Taylor is just a self-serving idiot, who gets into relationships so that she can maintain her career. Also, have you heard her speak regarding what she thinks a relationship is? Or love is? Its ridiculous, even worse that she poses as the poster girl for country girls. *vomits*

    Also, eww John Mayer.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Me after reading the title of this post:

    http://9thcivic.com/gallery/al...

    Me after reading the rest of the post:

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr...

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    I love people who tell a story with gifs was my first thought after reading the post and your comment .

    My very next thought was "don't look a gif horse in the mouth". Apparently I can only tell a story in puns.

  • BendinIntheWind
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