Angelina Jolie Is Not F*cking Around
The last few months of 2016 were a real kick in the dick. We need something big to give us the strength to carry on. A light to guide us through these troubled times.
We need SCANDAL.
Luckily, we have Brad and Angelina.
Last month, Pitt filed an order to seal their divorce documents, specifically those related to custody. Because all celebrity legal documents are apparently punched up by Bruce Vilanch before hitting the judge’s desk, the order contained high levels of sass.
[Pitt] asserts that Jolie has “no self-regulating mechanism” to prevent sensitive information from being released to the public. As evidence, he points to the re-release and filing of documents that contain private information. “Although she had already made them public, she did it again.”
Jolie, who as we’ve already discussed is using TMZ as her pulpit, would not go out-sassed. And because she loves us and wants us to never be thirsty, she assures us that there is so much tea to be spilled. Unfortunately, we won’t get to drink it, because she’s agreed to seal the docs. But the tea exists, and that’s what matters.
According to legal docs, filed by Laura Wasser, Brad is lashing out because he’s “terrified that the public will learn the truth.”
Brad went ham on Angelina after she filed unsealed documents trying to prevent him from altering their custody arrangement, but in the new docs she says all he’s doing is trying to “deflect from [his] own role in the media storm which has engulfed the parties’ children.”
She goes on … “There is little doubt that [Brad] would prefer to keep the entire case private, particularly given the detailed investigations by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Dept. of Children and Family Services into allegation of abuse.”
Of course, one of the many lawyer types who works around here thinks we should all know that this is very standard in terms of response to a request to seal a document, and a clear attempt to make the public choose sides. To which I responded, YOU KNOW I DON’T CARE ABOUT ALL THIS LEGALITYMUMBOJUMBO, I’M HERE FOR THE SCANDAL LIKE A SUMMER SANDAL.
Ahem. Of course there is nothing enjoyable about any of this, and our thoughts are with all involved. It’s all terrible.