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F**k You, JP Morgan Chase

By Petr Knava | Social Media | April 30, 2019 |

By Petr Knava | Social Media | April 30, 2019 |


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Twitter has a lot of bad sides. I still think it has great value, in that it allows independent journalists to bypass the gatekeepers of the traditional corporate media and deliver news in a way that isn’t beholden to the capitalist paradigm destroying our planet and that would otherwise not get the reach that it does thanks to Twitter. Or at least that is the case when Twitter isn’t banning those accounts with no explanation. But despite that utility I find that so much of Twitter amounts to just one big soggy spirit-sapping cesspit. Between all the hot take merchants competing to craft the most shareable nuggets of bite sized outrage or wit on one side and all the Nazis that—unlike those pesky left wing journos—Twitter refuses to act against on the other, I find browsing the platform to be an immensely potent way of draining one’s mental energy.

But you know what? As embarrassing as some of those quippy motherfu**ers on there are, and as actively dangerous as those alt-right c***s on there are, maybe the single most annoying element to be found on Twitter is the sight of corporate accounts trying to be your friends. You know the ones. The logo that talks like a lab-created twenty-something educated by algorithm and fed just-gone-out-of-style memes. Netflix do it. Wendy’s do it. Any business with a modern and moderately sophisticated corporate communications strategy does it.

And every single one of them is horrible. Kayleigh wrote a nuanced and sensitive take on what it’s like to work as the person responsible for a company’s social media outreach a little while back. And honestly, you read so much about how so many employees in charge of a company’s Twitter feed are underpaid, overworked, and exploited, that sometimes you feel a little bit bad for hating on them. But that’s why it’s important to draw that distinction. We’re not hating the person doing the work. We’re hating the company they’re working for, and the insulting illusion of cuddly chumminess they’re trying to project. Capitalism has this lovely way of diffusing the lines of responsibility and accountability so as to shield the people at the top from consequence. Think of the cashier you yell at when you’re frustrated, or the bank clerk. You’re pissed off with a company policy, yet you vent your rage at someone who has no hand in making that policy. Their job just depends on enforcing it. And they’re likely being exploited while doing so. You’re both pissed with the same enemy, yet you find yourself at odds. Justified rage is thus defused, passed back and forth between people who are victims of the same system, poisoning them while the perpetrators of that system carry on business as usual, often blithely ignorant of any rage building up whatsoever.

And hey! While we’re on the topic of rage, capitalism, and social media, here’s JP Morgan Chase, one of the Big Four banks of the United States, which in 2013 settled for $13 billion for its role in helping to bundle toxic mortgages with high quality ones, acknowledging that ‘it made serious misrepresentations to the public — including to investors — about numerous transactions relating to residential mortgage-backed securities.’ Here they are wagging a finger at the financially irresponsible plebs daring to live a little outside of the defined parameters while scrabbling in the dirt for scraps in the economy that the likes of JP Morgan chase left a burnt out and hollow husk after 2008 and which has continued plundering it in the decade since then:

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F**k you, JP Morgan Chase. F**k you and your condescending diversionary bulls**t. You valueless and irredeemable lamprey latched onto society’s going-blue face. Stop trying to distract from the issue. People aren’t struggling financially because they’re being irresponsible. People are struggling because you and your new gilded age parasites bribed your way into the halls of government, stacked both the Republican and Democrat Parties with your sleeper agent lackeys, and had them write the de-fanged laws that would otherwise in a healthy society keep your avarice under check. People aren’t struggling because they don’t know how to manage their finances. They’re struggling because their finances are unmanageable. Because you and the rest of the festering gored bull testicle that is the finance industry have completely tipped the balance of power in the world’s economies, funnelling trillions of dollars into ‘services’ that serve only those who already have vast amounts of capital and want to use them to conjure up more capital while contributing nothing whatsoever of worth to society and sucking up whatever wealth is created by the actually productive sectors of that society to finance their speculative casino crony capitalist f**kery.

Your time is coming, you preening and pestilent profaners of all that is verdant and healthy in this world. And you know you’re on thin ice, don’t you, because you sure as hell deleted that tweet pretty sharpish. But the North internet remembers. And either a Sanders or Warren presidency is coming. People like AOC are rising. And they’re gonna gut you like a fish.




Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.



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