Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'They're All Gonna Burn' Edition
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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'They're All Gonna Burn' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | June 24, 2013 | Comments ()


For "True Blood's" Sixth Season, each week we'll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won't be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Perhaps I should keep this gif handy for the entire Season Six of "True Blood":


Episode 2, "The Sun," wasn't short on insanity, especially where Billith is concerned. All is uneasy in the supernatural world. Warlow is after Sookie, so Niall (Rutger Hauer), the mysterious man who picked up Jason last week, is around to help. He's their fairy grandfather, naturally. (The gene skipped Jason.) Too bad he met Jason first and not Sookie -- of course she was busy caring for a good-looking wounded stranger, Ben (Rob Kazinsky), who of course is half-fae and a telepath and who of course was positioned outside of Merlotte's, right in Sookie's path to work. I smell sex and trouble. At least Niall teaches Sookie how to channel/strengthen her magic, although the "more powerful than the sun" ball o' light she can conjure will, once used, trip her of her powers. Alcide uses his new pack leader status (as well as his and his pals' beat-down skills) to take Emma away from Sam, which could present a nice battle of shifters versus werewolves. Sam has enough on his plate as it is: Vampires are under attack, and members of the U.S. Vampire Unity Society want shifters to make themselves known and try and change the national dialogue. The co-founder of the group, Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell), wants Sam to lead the way, and his refusal doesn't stop her and her organic-veggie-loving L.A. friends from filming Alcide and Sam's confrontation over Emma.

I had already dubbed Nicole's crew as Fangbanging Freedom Riders when she brought up the real-life Freedom Riders, those who fought against social injustices during the Civil Rights movement. Her phrasing on Sam "coming out" of hiding to reveal his true nature invoked, obviously, gay rights, and the images of uniformed vampires annihilated en masse brought the Holocaust to mind. "True Blood" is an equal opportunity offender, after all. Without getting bogged down in this terribly analogy, I will just point out that humans aren't fearful of vampires because they are "different." They are fearful because vampires are immortal, incredibly fast and strong creatures who survive on blood and can kill a human in seconds. The fear is justified; this civil rights angle is mostly ridiculous.

OK, on to the show:

5. I'm scared of the rapidly growing faebies, too, Andy.


4. Silver bullets that emit UV light, which essentially burns vamps from the inside? Humans aren't messing around.


3. Warlow made it out of the "dark realm" where Claudine blasted him, through the portal and into Bon Temps. And he needs a shave. (Let's all pause a moment to mourn the loss of Claudine, a cool and important character in the books who was bizarrely rewritten and unceremoniously killed on the show. Lame.)


2. Billith can see the future and feel the pain of vampires (and perhaps other supernatural creatures?) being tortured or killed. So he's like Yeezus?



1. I just can't even ...


See the full sequence in gif form here. I think this beats Bill twisting Lorena's head 180 degrees during sex back in Season Three.

Lafayette's Best Moment:


What I wouldn't give to see a spin-off with these two. They'd go on adventures, him channeling spirits and her turning into a wolf just because. Perfection.

Pam's Best Moment:


Major Death


None, although we saw Eric, Pam, Tara and Jessica burn in Bill's premonition.

Lasting Images and Final Thoughts


If Eric dies, we riot.

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Okay... I haven't watched yet... I need to catch up. For Eric, Lafayette and Pam.

  • DontStopNow

    Was anyone else crazy uncomfortable with the vampire being dragged by the truck imagery seeing as this EXACT thing happened in the late '90s, only James Byrd Jr. was NOT murdered because he was a vampire?

  • Dominic

    Thank you DSN . cause you just proved the writers are better than people give credit . Maybe they used THAT footage , since they already had a civil rights arc . Those rednecks didn't think Byrd had any rights ....

  • Jezzer

    If the writers were good, they wouldn't have to hit people over the head with anvils of parallelism.

  • Dominic

    Again what you miss is that EVERY show has parallel storylines , SOME which may connect . THIS season , everybody's arcs intersect somewhere . Even Sookie/ Warlo , since from the promos for episode 3 we find that Nora wants to USE Warlo not kill him like Niall .
    Maybe only Arlene and Terry will not be connected to "Supes on the run " theme . Even THAT won't be true , if they have Sam go public

  • Maguita NYC

    Their attempt at making parallels with different eras of prejudice to humanize the vampire condition is not really working for me.

  • Dominic

    it's early . Guys they've gotta SET the story , before they can TELL it . We'll know by 9 or 10 how good the arc is ....
    I don't think the writers are trying to humanize anybody . If so , it started back in Season 1 . Besides the actual humans , anyway . what they are doing is reflection of what MIGHT happen if other HUMANS want to make peace with vamps as ( American specifically) minorities . Nobody in BonTemps humanizes them
    BTW how d we know Miss Nicole and her friends aren't going to set Sam up ? Maybe the Governor's troops ambush a VUS gathering .....

  • Dominic

    Ok Sookie humanizes them :o)

  • St

    I laughed when they suddenly tried to make vampires victims. Seriously? Do we suppose to feel sorry for them now? Let’s face it - they are cruel, selfish people. Who do what they want, kill whenever they need, torture innocent people. I do not feel for them like they are victims. Humans can kill them all.

    Also this episode went little more interesting at the end, But it was so boring at the beginning. To the point when I’m not sure I care to watch it next week. I rolled my eyes so hard at that new fairy male who I’m sure will be Sookie’s, new love interest. Because that was so obvious that it was laughable. Also they were very boring together and have no chemistry. Eventually I just FastForwarded their talk because it was boring.

    Alcide with his wolf gang mercifully showed up only at the end. And I still don’t give a crap about them, Emma or Sam. they can take Emma and Sam with them and not be shown ever again.

    Civil Rights movement? Even more boring.

    And I feel like they just don’t know what to do with Lafayette throughout the whole 6 seasons. He is such a cool character but they don’t know how to involve him in lives of other characters. They tried to involve him in magic, then create boyfriend, then killed him for no reason and now Lafayette just hags out in the background. Maybe they should make him vampire? That saved Tara as character and gave her purpose to be on the show.

    And every episode I’m happy because I know that Hoyt lives somewhere up there, happy. He escaped that crazy town and lives happy and easy life. I’m thankful that they didn’t kill him and let him go to peacefully live.

  • Dominic

    I said last week that I'd be " Jessica's Biggest Fan " , but I'm switching my header to "True Voice of the Authority " :o))
    Explaining all the stuff you haters miss and incorrectly criticize
    Here's my main favorite " impressions " ( left some stuff out )

    "If you know me so well , you'd know I hate tests !
    The rapt attention Pam and Nora have when Eric is pulling the bullet out . Hilarious .... ,
    After acting with all that blood on her , Lilith/Jessica Clark gets prime scenes with her real face on !
    funny they used her scenes to justify the whole Authority clusterfuck . ' It was all ordained " ...
    Are they ALL wearing crotch wigs ???
    "If the Humans want War , we'll give them War " Part 1 of what this season is all about
    Arlene's act to Patrick's wife : Carrie has been written so well lately .
    Newbie Jurnee Smollett-Bell gets a great scene with Sam : An esp. nice touch , the link into the Freedom Riders . This is Part 2
    of what this season is about - injecting some reality , and modern-life-like consequences into a campy vampire show
    " So yeah I know what the fuck that means " ..
    wow what a contortionist Bill's dinner was
    You knew they'd warm Pam up to Nora sooner or later ..
    I had a feeling they were going to counter the glamour as Eric started ...
    'They can fly ?? "
    And the scene of the show is the Governor fake-popping fangs ! FF-iing priceless ...
    With Rutger as a grandfather and a new love interest ( you KNOW you're the top female lead in a soap when you have
    three men that cam vie for you at any time ) this is how Sookie regains her "affection" for her powers .
    Every girl wans to be a fairy princess , right ?
    P.S. did you miss the slapstick of Grandaddy perfectly pulling spaghetti out of the dish , and Jason
    just gathering a whole fork full and DRAGGING it across the table to his plate . LOL apparently those two are the comic relief for the season . still laughing until Rutger started talking about Warlo
    With the way they had the Governor's daughter made up , this foreshadows Eric turning her.., thus compromising the father .Hmmmm
    have the writers been watching "The Vampire Diaries " ? cause they are at war in that show too , and the mayor's daughter was turned
    to save her life ....
    All's fair in love and war ! , and Governor's daughters ...
    I was like ' Who is THAT , Nora ? " for a sec .... Amelia Blaire/Willa got 2nd billing in the after-credits ! maybe there's big plans for her .... This is also a good sign for the show , the writers injecting new blood into the storyline .
    Freshen it up !

    Cheers ,


  • Jezzer

    I kind of want to see you watch an actual quality tv show, just to see your pointy little excitable head explode.

  • Dominic

    I wish there were more . but again -missing the point - It's NOT SUPPOSED to be Downton Abbey . It's supposed to be what it IS . Again , Again ! if you really think like that , why are you watching ?? Maybe u DON'T watch , and ur just spamming negativity .

  • foolsage

    OK, so new halfling Ben is on a collision course with Andy and the four faebies. I expect he'll help Andy cope and turn into an "uncle" of sorts for the girls. Then someday he'll teach them that with great power... well anyhow.

    We saw a mysterious light appear when Sookie touched Ben, and there was clearly chemistry between them (she even called him handsome). I'm calling it now: he turns into a love interest for Sookie and sacrifices his own light to restore hers after she kills Harlow with the "sun".

  • Dominic

    :o) that's good

    or he could turn out as family to Niall , which is why he and Sookie "sparked" . Thus involved in the Warlo fight too , and ur scenario to save Sookie . Which BTW the renewal of seasons rests with Anna . She has said as long as everyone else comes back she will . And whether u like her or not , there is NO show without her ...
    Actually I think for actors , this is seen as a KILLER show to be on , and ply your craft .. springboard your career from roles like these . That will keep it going

  • Jezzer

    "Actually I think for actors , this is seen as a KILLER show to be on..."

    In this, we are in agreement. This show is a career killer if ever I've seen one.

  • Dominic

    you think Rutger Hauer is gonna KILL his career with this ? No it's going to enhance his rep . For older roles in comedy and fantasy ( old gent , mage , King , etc - he ain't an action hero no more ) The other newbies ain't complainin' either ..... .
    u just think it's uncool praising the good side .

  • Jezzer

    Rutger Hauer is at the goddamn END of his career and can afford to slum it.

  • Dominic

    u miss the point . Probably because you've never been a hungry actor , out of work . There is ALWAYS a need for older men and women ( Grandpa/ma age ) in television and the movies . So he's NOT killing his career , he's EXTENDING it to new roles ( for him ) . Also as an actor , you're not a the end of your career until you're DEAD . Just because TV and Movies need you Would the Niall character work , if he was 35 and slim 'n trim ??

    This is what I mean about you haters . You DON'T know what you're criticizing . Just spouting off to try and sound cool . You need to learn how Hollywood works . I DO because I have family in the industry . In the INDUSTRY , this show is a gold mine for actors . Cable TV in general is , HBO in specific

  • Jezzer

    Do they put bizarre, inexplicable spaces in front of their commas in the "industry"?

  • Jim

    "...a good-looking wounded stranger..." Oh baby I gotta start taking a different route to work.

    And I promise I would watch the "Lala and Shorty Puff" show each and every week.

  • dizzylucy

    I hate when a show gives us the "future" and it's something you KNOW isn't going to happen. No way are they going to kill off Eric, Pam, Tara, and Jessica in one fell swoop like that. My guess is that Eric survives (they know about said rioting, I think) but someone close to him does not.

    Lafayette spin off - yes please. Bon Temps Beauty School and Child Care.

    I'd also like a spinoff of Alcide, the wolves, and I think Sam - simply so I could skip it. The wolf scenes are so tedious to me, I just don't care.

  • Maguita NYC

    Remember, it is the last season for True Blood (thank the gods), and they may leave us with a bang.

    My biggest fear though would be for them to kill everyone off, and leave Tara alive. F-ck that would hurt! I've been hoping for her demise ever since season one.

  • shel

    It's not the last season... they just haven't officially been picked up for next season yet. They are still pulling in major ratings and big bucks for HBO, so I'm thinking we'll get at least one more season and they are going to market the hell out of "The FINAL Season!!!" OMG!

  • Dominic

    I think they could get 9,10 seasons with the help of this current arc

  • Maguita NYC

    I need your pusher's digits to get through the THOUGHT of this many seasons.

  • Dominic

    Maybe you should get high since apparently that's the only way you're going to like it .

    . Ok hate all you want . But don't say this show isn't PERFECTLY acted , for the genre it is in . You hate the writing , fine ; WATCH the acting .
    A good actor can pull off even the campiest shit script .
    Ryan is prime example of playing something silly dead serious . The slapstick with Rutger was priceless

  • Jezzer

    Depends on how much lead gets into the nation's drinking water.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well f-ck me gently with a chainsaw. First I believed HIMYM was on its last season and later find out that noooooo, not only we'll be watching those poor twits for yet an additional season, but they'll be wearing the same clothing for its entirety as well.

    And now I learn that TB is not ending. I swear I've read the announcement somewhere that season 6 would be the last...

    Whatever, KILL OFF TARA ANYWAYS!!!

  • dizzylucy

    A while ago I was thinking this would be the final season, but agree that if it was, they'd be hyping that like crazy. I bet they do one more, if not two, so long as the ratings stay good. But I bet some of the actors are going to want to jump ship when their contracts are up.

  • Maguita NYC

    You know what I've taken from this episode?

    The Lilith bush merkin is now officially retired, and apparently the 70's full bush is making a comeback!


  • overlykeenobserver

    It's not "the" lilith. It's one of her minions.
    Bush was still president during the vision scene.

  • Maguita NYC

    After her full-bushed minions brought Bill to her, you could clearly see through the dress that Lilith had let her own bush grow wild as well.

    Under Obama.

  • overlykeenobserver

    For once, there wasn't a lack of transparency under his administration.

    I would prefer if they didn't skirt the issue in future episodes however.

  • Mrcreosote

    So, a company that sends vamp escorts out isn't going to check on this at some point?

  • Dominic

    yes this will be why Jessica is arrested , and in the UV Chamber at "Camp" with everyone else .

  • abell

    If I remember properly, last season was all about how vampires think they're divinely chosen ubermensch and people are cattle. Or something. In story time, it's been what? two days? since all of last season. How are the vampires suddenly victims again?

  • Because poor, noble Luna explained to the world that the vamps were keeping people in the basement to sate their wicked appetites (and not in the sexy funtimes way) before she expired with about as little fanfare as one could expect for one of the few people of color on the show. This occurred shortly after Eric killed the general who explained rather patiently that if anything happened to him, they were going to pull out the big guns and start fucking up the undead. Having blown up the TB factories, vampires don't have much choice about eating humans, and now everyone is looking for evidence of just that and finding it. Also, there was that edict for vampires to make lots and lots more, so there should be an epidemic of new vamps w/uncontrollable appetite (which, you know, would have made a great plot, if the show cared about such things). Add to that the destruction of the vampire batcave, and there is suddenly no central organization holding vampires to any kind of standard of behavior. Now, if any of that was actually addressed, it could have been really cool and taut. Alas, it was not to be.

  • Dominic

    you know u missed the cue of " an epidemic of new vamps w/uncontrollable appetite " or have you forgotten the Governor's story about the baby vamps draining their parents ? What , that's not violently uncontrollable enough for you ? I think the writers pointed up all that u cite but no so ffing obviously . You gotta think ! to watch this show . Like the convo after Eric pulls the bullet out of Tara , points up about how the govt. might just be a little mad about the General . character of the Governor himself is a reaction to all u cite . . Or did u miss him saying A) 247 people died since the factory bombings , in Louisiana ALONE . And did u miss him saying that he's been waiting years to implement this agenda . And the vamps themselves enabled it ....seee YOU ! MISSED this not the writers fault . Give em some more episodes before u say they aren't addressing EVERYTHING .
    Everybody blazed their hate of Season 5 here , until episodes 10-12 explained things . Don't make the mistake this season too , people

  • Jezzer

    If the writers don't have to think"!" when they shit out these plots, why should the audience have to think"!" when they watch the show?

  • Dominic

    YOU don't like the thinking . And I think people just like to jump on the hater bandwagon , for the fun of it . Actually tho , what last season and the promise of this season SHOW , is that the writers have had some concept of where they are going with this SINCE Season 3 .. Russell , the wolves ,having to meet the Authority , LILITH , and Sookie hating her powers cause Bill feed-raped her , all start there . The Warlo arc and the fairies go all the way back to Claudine .
    I think YOU do need to think

  • You do realize you just said exactly what I did in response to the original query, right? And for the record, an off-hand mention of lots of vampires killing people when we know there's a shortage of blood does not (a) constitute a plot (although it may be a plot point, and one can hope they will explore that further) and (b) does not necessarily point to out of control new vampires because c.f. above, no fake blood to feed on. It's the lack of detail in the details that should matter, combined with lots of details on scenarios that end up not mattering at all (Hey, whatever happened to Jason being bitten by were-panthers....) that bothers me.

    I have no problem following the multiple story arcs in this show, but to say that all of the story arcs converge by the end of the season into one coherent plot is incorrect. I just watched the marathon of last season, and that was not the case.

    Furthermore, why do you assume I hate the show, simply because I point out the flaws? Must one be a slavering devotee to enjoy something? If that were the case, then the role of critic would not exist, much less the delight many of us take in hashing out our reactions in a public sphere like this.

  • Dominic

    Let me reiterate , cause it refutes the theme of your post. .

    247 people killed by vamps IN LESS than 48 hours ! is that enough untethered vampire frenzy for you ?

    People that say they hate the show , usually have missed or ignored the writers doing exactly what those people wanted . Gotta watch your TV with more comprehension ! or go back to dumbed-down comedies and dramas of broadcast networks ....

  • With the number of vampires in Louisiana alone, and the number slaughtered by Steve Newlin and Russell Edgington in one night last season, not to mention the rampage all the Authority vamps went on in a single night, no, 247 doesn't seem like that large a number to die in two days when there is no other blood supply.

    Considering your inability to type with complete words and use proper grammar and punctuation, you may wish to back off insulting my intelligence. Just a tip.

  • abell

    For example, that.

    Also, I tend to think in grand strategy terms, so my focus is really broad. The Authority kept everyone in check with a vicious feudal system. The Authority went all sorts of crazy and then died. Why haven't a crap ton of kings started declaring themselves independent or some such?

  • Because that would require a coherent story arc featuring the largest and most important event in recent history, and the writer's can't be bothered to maintain focus that long?

  • Dominic

    umm also that would require more than TWO episodes . As was pointed out prior this is all less than two days after Billith . Also I see that this like 1 , this was a set-up episode, mainly for Sookie's arc( All you Bauer haters must love that he only got one scene . But it's a set-up for Maurella taking the kids permanently ) All of you writing staff haters are really off ; it's obvious that the writers have been building to where we are now since Season 3 , and have kept things pretty coherent thru now . Since the introduction of Russell and the wolves , and Eric's revenge which put the Authority in the picture , all has built to "regularfolk are pissed off and fighting back " YOU haters aren't keeping the focus

  • Jezzer

    I hope you stretch properly before performing all these complex acrobatics you have to do to dismiss people with problems over the turd this show has become as "haters."

  • Dominic

    see here's the thing : it STARTED OUT as a turd show . But it got better with some of Season 2 and all of Season 3 ( I still recommend Episodes 5-9 of that year as the best ever . They'll hook anybody ) So people expect more than they're going to get .

    You have to start enjoying it for what they give you . NOT what YOU think the script should be , or who the emphasized character are .
    Or , don't watch ; save us the vitriol

  • linda

    I hope they pay Skarsgard like a million dollars per episode since he's the reason 90% of the audience is watching.

  • $27019454

    I and my whole family/viewing group must be the 10 percent because to me, Eric is a douche with that put-on Clint Eastwood voice and his "stoney silences" which to me read more like "dumb as rock." He used to sit (brood) on a pretend throne. In a tacky bar. In a tiny town. And he acts like he's such a much. He's kind of embarrassing overall. But I admit he was kind of charming as a dorky mortal in this episode.

  • shel

    Agree with you on Eric... while I do love his doofus human impression, and he is pretty to look at, he isn't the reason we watch in my house/ group of friends.

  • Wicked

    But... but! He is so pretty to look at :3

  • $27019454

    Point taken.

  • So, Bill can see the future. That is some lazy-ass writing right there. Why bother to build tension as the war escalates? We'll just have Billith send out warnings to everyone. Also, how are we supposed to root for Team Vampire when Bill's future visions shows that they are too stupid to get the fuck out of Louisiana?

    Also, thanks writers, Alcide's transformation into a complete and utter tool took no time at all. You have turned Sam into a sadsack. Jason loses IQ points every season (and he didn't start with many, even in the source material). Pam has been reduced to a whiny bitch. Hoyt is just fucking gone. Y'all go and ruin Lafayette for me, or kill off Eric, and I will find you.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Yep. That fae gene may have skipped Jason, but the stupid gene hit him full-on.

    And while they've turned Jessica into (very, very pretty) exposition, unfortunately it's not the kind of exposition my repeated emails have been suggesting.

  • Joe

    I don't want expositionnnn, I want ALL positions!


  • Gina

    I agree with all of this. True Blood never has seemed to learn that a character being well-liked is not a reason for them to have their own storyline, and that character growth/development does not mean a 180-degree turn in the space of two episodes or between seasons (*cough* Sam *cough*)

  • Dominic

    you prob should vent on how you think Sam has changed . Cause i don't see what you mean . Is Sam more closed now , not freewheeling ? Did you forget his lover died , less than 24 hours before ? and now he's got a kid to protect . Gee I think that would change me REAL fast

  • Jezzer

    Sam has gone from arguably the most lovable character in Season 1 to a complete dicksmack now. Because True Blood's philosophy is apparently "Alexander Skaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaard is the only actor who gets to keep a fan base."

  • Dominic

    um u need to explain how ? since he was a part of the major Authority storyline and will now be in this VUS arc as well . Two things : only 2 episodes calm down and he JUST LOST the love of his life ( well one of them at least ) You'd be in a dick-smack ( Lala has to say that lol ) mood too

  • Dominic

    basically Sam hasn't fucked Sookie yet . Or he would be a major player like Skaaarsgard . Guess you are one of Sam's fans tho ....

  • logan

    I think I agree with you on all points. The whole Pam and Tara thing does not work for me. And DAMN Rutger Hauer looks like he's 147 years old.

  • He looks 147. The fay "party hall" is comprised of set pieces stolen from high-school productions of Carnivale. And fairy powers seem to accomplish nothing other than pushing people and old cars around. True Blood sure knows how to take the "fun" out of "fairy."

  • John W

    Every ep of TB should feature a scene with Eric going undercover and pretending to be a human. And more Jessica.

  • Wicked

    I concur!

  • ZizoAH

    This week, we have to people challenging Kanye, the SkyWire guy, and now Blilith.

    Jason's face when his grandpa tells him he is not a prince, was fucking adorable.

    How the hell did Eric do that to his hair in 1 minute?

    And finally: I need to have a tea party with Lafayette.

  • Eric super-speed finger combed his hair. It's a special vampire talent. Also, that was the most fun scene in the entire episode, as we got only a few seconds of the Lafayette/Emma tea party.

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