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Maybe Get Your Head Out Of Fear The Walking Dead's Butthole?

By Joe Starr | Think Pieces | September 16, 2015 | Comments ()

By Joe Starr | Think Pieces | September 16, 2015 |


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Hey. I hear you’re not enjoying AMC’s The Walking Dead spinoff, Fear The Walking Dead. I’ve read that you think the characters in what effectively serves as a prequel exploration of the beginning of the zombie apocalypse are all idiots. I’ve started to gather that you don’t find the show entertaining and that frustrates you, as a viewer, to no end.

Hey! How about you get out of Fear The Walking Dead’s asshole a little bit? Just a little. Please? You’re really up its ass right now, and if you could get out of there for like, a few minutes, that would be great. Just pull yourself right out of that show’s butt and take a big ol’ breath of air.

So, three episodes in and Fear The Walking Dead isn’t the greatest series ever created for television. Ned Stark meme time- brace yourselves, the scathing articles are coming. It didn’t instantly hook you in three episodes and therefore it’s already a failure, unlike say, Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD, which took 16 episodes to be remotely watchable. Or, and I’m just spitballing, The Walking Dead itself, which after a great pilot shambled around and then sat on a farm for a season and a half before picking up any steam. But I understand why you’re staying up in that butt, closing your eyes and spinning with your fists outstretched like a remote control wielding Veruca Salt. It’s because we live in a world where shows are everything we need and want right out of the gate, like the first season of Parks and Recreation.

HEY DICKHEAD IT’S A ZOMBIE SHOW WHERE ARE ALL THE ZOMBIES? I know. I’m with you. It’s weird how the first episode of a show about the very beginning of the zombie apocalypse didn’t hit the camera with a literal tidal wave of zombies in the first five minutes. That’s honestly where I thought the zombies would come from: just a big fucking zombie tsunami (you get the fuck away from me Sci Fy channel I call dibs on Tsuzombinami I CALL DIBS) that crashes into Malibu and then they’re just everywhere and then we cut to Daryl picking up a crossbow for the first time and he’s all like “this might come in handy” and then he winks at the camera.

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Hey can we call you back? Everyone is up our ass. Like, all up on our wangs.

Fear The Walking Dead is taking it’s sweet time with zombie pacing. Why? Because there’s already a show where zombies are literally in the background of every shot. It’s called The Walking Dead. It’s this show’s mom, and it’s kid is trying to be sort of different so that it’s not redundant as hell.

Maybe you’re super up the show’s ass because you think everyone is acting super dumb. “That’s not how you should act when zombies,” you say, shaking a fist at the television screen. But remember that this is a world where, for whatever reason, the word zombie does not exist. There are no pulp culture references. Nothing to guide them. And yes, sometimes the characters do dumb things or stuff that makes you go ‘ughhh why would youuuu’ but that’s the purpose of drama. You’re supposed to yell at the Survivor Girl not to run up the stairs. You’re supposed to go ‘no Kim Dickens stop playing board games to relax your family and board up the windows! Don’t you know that zombies?!” These are things you’re supposed to do.

I have two thoughts on this: The first is that it would be insanely boring to watch a zombie show where everyone immediately did everything required and expected of them to survive the zombie apocalypse. Why would you watch that show? That show is called There Are No Reasons To Fear The Walking Dead Because Don’t Worry We Figured Things Out Off Camera Like Ages Ago and I don’t want to watch it. I already have Facebook to know that most people are smarter, more successful, and better equipped at life in general than me. I don’t need some zombie show doing it too.

The second? Fine. Let’s pretend for a minute that the world of The Walking Dead had just as much zombie pop culture as us. They know about head hitting and Jeremy Renner sniping and that when walking past a horde undetected you should drink a Pepsi in celebration. Sorry, when did you become a Doomsday prepper that knows how to handle life and death situations every second they’re thrown at you? I didn’t realize so many people were investing in shipping container bunkers these days.

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This is you.

“What an idiot, he thinks the first zombie he’s ever seen is just some sick dude with rabies!” I promise you that as soon as you get out of this show’s asshole, and run across your first real-life zombie, you’re going to get ate. Just super ate all to hell. And then Ed Harris is going to be in his Truman Show booth watching and he’s going to be like “ugh what did he think that guy had rabies? Cue the sun. What a dumb show.”

Maybe you just don’t like the show in general. More power to you. You’re probably not reading this article, though. I like this show. Every scene is not gold, but I can’t remember the last show that didn’t have Jessie Pinkman or Rick or Morty in it that was.

I’m enjoying this show with an unheard of cast of Latino, Maori and female leads, complete with mixed families and interracial relationships. But beyond that, the characters all show some level of promise, and three episodes in, they’re getting into the meat of things: the refugee camps, the chaos. The final weeks before humanity calls it quits. We’ll see these characters grow and change and develop and die and live. Maybe they’ll all still be awful and dumb in a few more episodes, but I’m assuming that, having written scripts before, the writers know where they’re going and how to TV. Like when Carl was the worst and now he’s pretty OK. Or when Carol was just irritating and now she’s a boss and I wish she had her own show. Or when Daryl had short hair, but now it’s much longer. It took a few seasons to get there, but we got there. We just had to get out of the show’s butt first.

Who knows, maybe this show will be a garbage person of a show. Pajiba is now legally obligated to incorporate the term ‘garbage person.’ And I get it — we live in a world where think pieces are written about trailers and screenshots. But we’re three episodes in. Let’s let these folks tell their story, and then judge. Until then, crawl out of its butt. Can you do that? I’d appreciate it.

butts.

Joe Starr can be screamed at on Twitter.

Fear The Walking Dead photos by Justin Lubin, my friend Lucia’s uncle.


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