Pajiba Civil War Of 2016: The Great Gravy Skirmishes
While our beloved website has faced outside threats before, no single danger came closer to the outright destruction of Pajiba nation than the Civil War of 2016. While tensions had been brewing for some time between the Emily Camp and the TK Camp, it all came to a head the week before Thanksgiving. Woefully, during a week of family, celebration and gratefulness, the Overlords took it upon themselves to settle a question plaguing mankind from time immemorial: Is gravy gross or awesome?
It all began roughly a half-quarter fortnight ago in the Overlord Homestead. (It was Monday. It started Monday on Facebook.)
Emily: Shameless self-promotion: Dustin, if you wanted to rerun my Definitive List Of Thanksgiving Food, I am prepared to deal with the Alt-Gravy crowd.
TK: Tell me you aren’t some kind of anti-gravy monster, Chambers. Not even you can be that depraved.
Emily: I will not be ashamed.
Rebecca: TK, Not even I am anti-gravy.
TK: You should be ashamed. You shame yourself, your family, your gender, your race, your culture. Your species. Your kind is a blight on our beloved planet. You are fired. Fired into fucking space.
Emily: Meh. I’ve been called worse.
TK: I should hope so.
Steven: I don’t like gravy either, but I’m comfortable with being a monster.
Jodi: Gravy is the best part of every meal. Y’all need JESUS. Gravy Jesus.
Rebecca: I have always thought that “gravy boat” is one of the funnest words in the English language to say, and I stand by that.
By Monday afternoon, an eerie stalemate had settled over the first fighters. For a brief moment, it seemed this battle would pass for another year. It was with the arrival of a new warrior Tuesday morning that the flames of war were reignited. Thus enter: Bekka Supp.
Dustin: First off, welcome Bekka Supp! She’ll be joining us next week, but she’s here to get the lay of the land in advance of next week.
Bekka: Thanks for the welcome, guys! It’s a real honor and privilege to even be in your presence as I’ve admired you all so greatly for so long. I hope you don’t mind me asking for help because this is new to me and all. But I absolutely look forward to seeing how the sausage is made or some other not weird metaphor for behind the scenes.
Jodi: It doesn’t matter how the sausage is made. What matters is if you make gravy with that sausage. LIKE GRAVY JESUS INTENDED WHEN HE GIFTED THE GREASY, ENCASED MEAT PRODUCT ON THE WORLD.
Seth: Oh Jesus, here goes Clager and one of her greasy meat rants. Also, SECRETS REVEALED: Dustin HAAAAATES the word “greasy,” especially when you say it like “greezy”…
Emily: Jodi, no one wants your meat essence goo. Gravy is how the Devil gets in. Also: Biscuits and Gravy is the only acceptable form of gravy, and even then the appropriate portion is one half biscuit.
Seth: If she’s saying gravy as in how the Eyetalians say gravy, i.e. pasta sauce, then yes, sausage and gravy. If she means brown liquidish substance, then she needs to SHUT THE HELL UP.
Emily: One of us! One of us! One of us!
Bekka: Some people just like to watch the world burn, Emily. Ewwwww! Gravy Hill is possibly the most noble of hills to die on.
Emily: I just don’t understand it. “Hey, remember that time that you took your main dish, concentrated the flavor, and then poured that flavor all over everything on your plate so that it all tasted vaguely like that thing you were already eating? No? Huh.”
Jodi: Y’all have sad lives. With your gravy hate.
Bekka: “Hey! Wanna know what’s good on food you spent hours in the kitchen making all the while listening to you mother-in-law say, ‘well that’s just not how I would make it,’ as the menfolk watch hand egg and shout expletives at the telly and the children run around outside? GELATINOUS NOT-FOUND-IN-NATURE COLORED GOO”
Courtney: Hot take: I DON’T CARE ABOUT GRAVY. It’s fine I guess. Y’ALL ARE WEIRD. I just pour cranberry sauce on everything so gravy is superfluous.
Joanna: Gravy is disguuuuuuusting.
Petr: I don’t think I’ve ever tried gravy
Joanna: Petr, You live in the UK. Surely you’ve had a hand pie.
Courtney: Wow, Jo, that’s a really personal assumption.
Kristy: I am sad for all of you who don’t understand the glory of gravy. What are your lives even like? Gravy is like meat butter. What is WRONG with the lot of you!? I’ve eaten meals as an excuse to pour gravy on it.
TK: Wait, Supp is anti gravy? DUSTIN, DO I HAVE TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING KEYS AGAIN?
Jodi: PLEASE DO. DRIVE IT INTO A GRAVY DISH.
Emily: IT’S A GRAVY BOAT, CLAGER. GODDAMNIT. WE JUST GOT DONE DISCUSSING HOW FUNNY GRAVY FUCKING BOAT IS.
Jodi: Oh yeah. BOAT.
Brian Richards: Jodi will make you all rue the day that you didn’t give gravy the respect it deserves. Rue!
Courtney: I started this venture opinionless but now I’m just confused. WHY ARE YOU AGAINST THINGS THAT MAKE POTATOES MORE DELICIOUS?
Dustin: The thing about gravy is that, in theory, it’s disgusting: It’s flour and salt and GREASE with bits of meat that fell off and got crispy and/or burnt in the pan. And yet … so delicious.
Bekka: I’m very discriminatory against most sauces. Except for BBQ. That shit is going EVERYWHERE.
TK: Well, Bekka is about to break a world goddamn record for getting fired. Petr, well, he’s just getting the firing squad.
Emily: Hell yes! I just moved up to TK’s Third Least Favorite Writer!
Jodi: Where do you get that list? And where am I on it?
Emily: Are you not signed up for TK’s Monthly Newsletter?
This is why I just moved up another spot!
TK: Everyone is on the list, Clager.
Except for Bekka, what with the being fucking fired and all. Seriously Supp, pack your shit.
Bekka: I REGRET NOTHING. GIVE ME BBQ OR GIVE ME DEATH.
Dustin: I’m glad to see she’s getting a proper welcome.
In the aftermath of the skirmish, it was found the two sides had consisted as follows:
Pro-Gravy: TK, Jodi, Kristy, Brian Richards, Rebecca, Dustin
People With Working Tastebuds: Emily, Petr, Joanna, Bekka, Seth, Steven
After further review, Jodi was revealed to have owned an “I love you like biscuits and gravy” t-shirt, showing her long-held (wrong) loyalties. Additionally, Petr wished to change his affiliation from “Anti-Gravy” to “Never had it. Is it alcoholic?” He was therefore reclassified as “Ireland.”
Eventually, as the fog of war cleared, the surviving Overlords emerged ready to reclaim their land. Vivian, Genevieve, Lord Castelton, and Sarah are now the in-charges having suffered only the injury of me singing Hamilton’s lines to Burr at them. I don’t understand how they can stand to the side.
Til next year.