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A Comprehensive List Of The Things We Should Start Giving To Corporations For Free

By Emily Chambers | Last Week Tonight | November 6, 2017 |


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The Last Week Tonight that John Oliver put out this last week (FUCK! That finally makes sense) is truly stellar. They had a fairly in-depth look at the Manafort et al. indictments, a mortifyingly hilarious introduction to the Postal Inspector Office’s Saturday morning procedural (yes, that is a thing), and all of the best examples of why local news shows shouldn’t dress up for Halloween (it’s because no one wants to hear “three people were killed in an early morning fire” from a forty-year-old dude dressed up like Thor. No one). And then they had this pile of garbage.

Listen, I get it. No one wants to imagine big, rich corporations getting a free ride (except for Republicans who just made the Trump boner noise). But you have to remember what businesses are giving communities in exchange for the ginormous tax break: The illusion that this company will rescue one town’s dying economy. And I say illusion because so far, all empirical evidence has failed to confirm the benefit to the community. There’s no reason to believe it can’t happen in the future.

What’s more important: having tax money to fund necessary societal programs that power our civilization, or the possibly that Noah’s Ark might give you a job? A job, mind you, that will pay all the way up to minimum wage and not bother you with any of those pesky benefits. Because we need these large companies to come into our towns with their jobs, but if we demanded those jobs pay livable wages, the businesses would shut down. And then where would you get your job that doesn’t pay you enough and won’t give you any time off when you’re sick?

See, businesses need to make a profit to stay open and provide people with terrible jobs and things we don’t want (Entourage). So we, the taxpayers and customers of said business, need to make sure they stay open. That means giving corporations tax breaks, supplementing their employees wages when the businesses can’t pay them enough, and giving executives large bonuses. Because we need those businesses. And if we really wanted businesses to be successful, we’d probably start giving them their needed supplies and inventory for free. Probably the utilities too. Because we need to make operations as profitable as possible for businesses. Only then will they come into our cities and bless us with seven-dollar-an-hour seasonal work.

Quick thought: Is there a way we, the loyal and devoted purchasing public, can simply make these products ourselves, and then give the money to businesses? Can I sew my own poorly made shirts, and then turn over the $19.99 to Target? Would that help? We could even solve the poverty problem by just using poor people’s belongings and bodies in our production. That’s just being efficient. And I’m pretty sure it’s what the kids are talking about with their “green” movement. Will that do it? Will the businesses love us then? If we sacrifice our first born to the Goddess Alexa, WILL SHE THEN REVEAL HERSELF TO US? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, CORPORATE OVERLORDS? HOW DO WE MAKE YOU LOVE US? DO YOU NEED ME TO KILL TK? BECAUSE I WILL DO IT IF YOU’LL JUST SHOOT BALLERS SEASON THREE IN MY HOMETOWN. WE NEED THIS.

Also we should stop taxing dividends altogether.


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