The Beastmaster Real-Time Review: Never Doubt Our Commitment To Diaper Power
Welcome to Pajiba's newest experiment. Something we've never attempted before -- a real-time review, done by two people 3000 miles away from each other. For tonight's feature, we'll be discussing the 1982 classic, The Beastmaster, otherwise known as "The Best Fucking Movie Ever." Your hosts this evening are TK, most well-known for his irritability, misanthropy, general disdain for all humans (yes, including you) and burgeoning alcoholism, and Joanna, best known for general cleverness, a dedication to witticism, and burgeoning alcoholism. Let's get right to it, shall we?
JR: The porno-vibe evoked by the title Beastmaster is not helped by the opening shots of taxidermied animals that look like they belong in your uncle's rape basement.
TK: I'll trust you not to speak ill of my family's hobbies, madam.
JR: It's not a mere hobby if you have a dedicated room.
TK: Aaand we've got our first creepy nudity!
JR: Oh man, the these witch ladies are the original ButHer Faces.
TK: Oh God, Rip Torn. I keep wanting him to tell the witches that they look like doorknob-humping retards.
JR: All melted faces and pig noses and sexy, toned legs.
TK: Also, drink every time you see a loincloth.
JR: So. .. the king's men do not favor pants. Have pants even been invented in this universe? Also drink every time a man is wearing a tiara or fancy headdress.
TK: We'll be unconscious before the second act. If I could mentally command people to hang themselves... well, let's just say there aren't enough lamp posts in the world.
JR: So we're in the bedchamber of King Zed and his sexy hair shampoo model queen and somehow one of the witch ladies has smuggled in an enormous, loudly mooing cow? And now she's paralyzing them with a substance that looks like suspiciously like jizz under a black light? (I've seen too much "CSI.")
TK: In one fell stroke, the witch kills the parents and... transfers the baby into a cow? It's like a transmogrifcation/abortion.
JR: So after Rip Torn's monks have hung themselves and the sexy shampoo model queen and king are dead, that brings the body count to four. Oh and the cow makes five.
TK: I say we drink at every dead body as well. Now we're branding babies, because everyone loves a good baby-branding.
JR: See, this is my first memory of confusing near-nudity. Everyone talks about Tanya Roberts' rack, but the sexy body/scaaaaaaary witch face made more of an impression on me.
TK: It could make for some puzzling human sexuality issues later in life, especially since i was six when I first saw this.
JR: How do you know you were six?
TK: Actually, I guess I was closer to 7 or 8, since I saw it in a second run theater.
JR: Aw, after rescuing him from death by the sexy/ugly face witch, Dar's adopted father brings him home to his village and in this post Lion King world, you can't thrust a baby into the air without me humming "Circle of Life."
TK: Oh snap, Dar's got the crazy eyes!
JR: Adolescent's Dar's fringe loin cloth is particularly sporty.
TK: It's rather snappy. But now he's facing down a giant bear! who roars without moving its mouth, because it's a man dressed in the bearskin rug from Rip Torn's dressing room.
JR: Um, it's telepathy, TK, it's a huge part of the Beastmaster mythos.
TK: Don't you dare lecture me on the Beastmaster! Also, adopted poppa says the Gods have put their mark on Dar, despite the fact that he saw the creepy-ass witch brand him.
JR: I love how these people favor high boots and loin cloths, as if calves are somehow too sexy and must be shielded.
TK: Dear Dar, Farrah Fawcet called and she wants her hair back.
JR: Also? Dar names his animals the STUPIDEST things. It's like podo and codo and dodo and lodo. Ooooo, it's raining man thigh. Hallelujah.
TK: it must have been tricky, pre-CGI, to make sure not to get too many balls in the shot.
JR: Just the right amount of balls, then?
TK: Apparently, Dar's adopted village has decided that houses on spindly stilts are the safest idea.
JR: Okay, Witch King-style helm of moose antlers counts as a fancy headdress.
JR: Drink as the menacing hordes prepare to slaughter an entire village. Oh, also, can we drink for boobs?
JR: Or is that unfeminist of me?
TK: Yes, we're drinking for nudity, death and headdresses. It's only right.
TK: Oh, and loincloths.
JR: Dar is kicking horde ass and taking names armed only with farming implements... oh now he has a sword.
TK: And the leader of the Juns has a teeny tiny skull on his helmet. He just came from a midget-slaughtering. Ah, the dog's death gets me every time.
JR: Dar too, apparently. We wince for cruelty to animals.
TK: Apparently, Rip Torn found some pants after his exile.
JR: Ahhh, the return of Rip Torn, sporting a fancy skull motif. Those are Rip Torn's real eyebrows, right? Like he's part vulcan?
TK: I think they're actually hamsters that they stapled on. If you watch closely, they move independently of his expressions. Every time he frowns, the hamsters scream in pain.
JR: Ah! Our first bird's eye view! It would be folly to underestimate the special effects of Beastmaster. Tinkly chimes denote out of body experience.
TK: Yup and here's where they borrowed the massacre on Tatooine sequence almost shot-by-shot.
JR: Uncle Owen was impaled on a pike?
TK: I may be paraphrasing
JR: Nahhh, Dar looks far more stoic and nostril flare-y than Luke "Toshi Station" Skywalker.
JR: Dar made a circle of corpses? Like, a daisy chain of the dead?
TK: HE'S HONORING THE DEAD, YOU HEATHEN. And now Dar's transformation into the Loincloth King is complete.
JR: Complete with fancy Dar Tiara.
JR: I think Marc Singer has had, maybe, two lines, and yet I am fully on board for Dar's adventure. Such is the power of nostril flare.
TK: Oh, the training montage! Complete with unnecessary roaring and The Swinging Of The Lumber... and that came out weird.
JR: Dar can swing his lumber at me any day. I never noticed, is his Farrah hair is significantly longer? To denote the passage of time?
TK: Yes, well, he came of age.
TK: As he was chasing the ferrets, I think saw grundel.
TK: And now he's using The Force -- I mean telepathy -- to get the weasels to save him from some quicksand.
JR: He'll never escape the fire swamp without the help of those rodents of totally usual size.
TK: Of course. Let's name them Kodo and Podo, because they're retarded weasels.
JR: Oh yeah, they're the retarded ones. Not Dar, no sir.
TK: That's the last time I'll hear you impugn Dar. THE LAST TIME.
TK: I'm confused. How did the hawk not see that guy sneak up on him?
TK: And if he's telepathic, why does he need to speak in bird noises?
JR: To impress the chicks?
TK: Well, he's saving the big cat via some of the... slowest... fight... choreography... ever.
JR: Don't forget his sharp boomerang thinger. He really should do the Xena war yodel when he throws it.
TK: Right. The Krull thing. Wait, what did he name the lion? Root?
JR: It's more like "Rrrruuuuu!"
TK: Wikipedia says it's Ruh.
JR: Yeah but you have to roll the "r" lest you offend the Big Cats who are reading this.
JR: Drink for boobs.
TK: Cue the infamous Tanya Roberts nude scene, a.k.a. "Where Dar shows himself to be a total perv." Also, the scene I likely rewound about 30 times when I was a lad.
JR: So, the reason I love this movie so much is that my sister and I used to watch it over and over and over on TBS the Superstation and there were NEVER boobs. Nor grundel for that matter.
TK: Yeah, you miss some of the good stuff. The DVD has even more boobtasticness.
JR: Then, for the rest of the film, Tanya Roberts will wear more clothes than Dar.
TK: It's a cultural thing. Don't judge. Also, Dar is really a fucking creep, isn't he?
JR: Dar is SORT of a Date Rapist. Though it's not a date. A Rescue Rapist.
TK: He's awfully grabby. He's outraged that she's been whipped, yet he practically forced himself on her. Oh Dar, you have much to learn about the ways of slave girls.
JR: Wait he's chuckling as he forcefully MOUNTS her?
TK: Wow, I'd forgotten that compared to Tanya Roberts, Singer is practically Shakespearean in this.
JR: If I were Kiri, I would be unwilling to go with not only because of the Rescue Rapist thing, but also because Dar's hair is WAY prettier. Not to mention his DarTiara.
TK: His DarTiara is a symbol of his manliness. After you've started wearing grundel-exposing loincloths, is the tiara really something to worry about? Now we're in the lair of the giant bat sucky-face thingamabobbers.
JR: Did Wikipedia tell you that was their name? They're clearly made of Hefty bags.
TK: Nope, they are as nameless as they are grody.
JR: Is that a falcon or a hawk? I don't want to offend our ornithologist readers.
TK: I believe it's an eagle, actually, but the ornithologists can go screw for all I care. The giant bat sucky-face thingamabobbers think the eagle (who is apparently named Sharak) is their god.
JR: Sharak? Oh man, the bird won the dumb name lottery.
TK: You think Sharak is worse than Ruh? Remind me to never let you name my kids.
JR: No, no, its obviously the best. If you have twins, may they be named Kodo and Podo.
TK: I will beat those children every day.
JR: You know, TK, when we eventually get around to building OUR temple to our heathen gods, remind me to line the walkway with burned up corpses on pikes.
TK: We'd be remiss if we didn't.
JR: Nothing says "home" quite like charred corpses.
TK: Time for Dar to infiltrate the evil Aztec -- I mean Jun -- temple.
TK: Rip Torn's hamster-brows ARE ANGRY.
JR: They just killed dumped that jew-fro-y little kid in the fire, I say we drink double for that.
TK: Word. Fortunately, Dar is gonna save this next kid from the annual baby-roasting jamboree.
JR: Well this child is an Aryan child.
TK: Wow, that eagle is fucking strong... it just picked up a six year old.
JR: Maybe the ornithologists can tell us if a hawk/eagle/falcon/giant pigeon could actually lift a six year old.
TK: Of course, this movie'd be way cooler if it carried him off and devoured him
but that's not the movie Coscarelli set out to make.
TK: And now Dar walks into the family's hut with a sack o' baby. He's like a glistening, loincloth-wearing Santy Claus.
JR: Yeah, if Santy Claus had a huge boner for Tanya Roberts.
TK: Incidentally, Rip Torn's character's name is Maax, which is not actually any stupider than "Rip Torn."
JR: And the God? Is it named "Aaaaaaaaahhhh?"
TK: I think there's an umlaut in there somewhere.
JR: Maax bequeaths his not-at-all Buddhist despite their Buddhist robes monks with the eye of Sauron. . .I mean the totally unrelated eyeball ring, a.k.a. star of my childhood nightmares.
TK: I love how they use the eyeball ring to find him... when they're 4 feet away.
JR: So the evil monks have an eyeball ring and a giant crossbow, but do they have "Rrrruuuuuu?" No.
TK: And that is why they shall fail. Also, they lack the proper amount of glistening manhood.
JR: YES!! It's John Amos and his top knot!
TK: You know, if the bad guys didn't hesitate for 30 seconds before they struck every time this would be a three minute movie.
JR: I love how John Amos is wearing two cloaks so that when we first meet him we can't tell that he's wearing a diaper.
TK: Just once I wish Admiral Fitzwallace would have walked into the Oval Office in that getup.
TK: John Amos, playing the magical negro.
JR: See, I wish he had slapped some sense into J.J. Walker using only that top knot.
TK: Although, Amos as "Seth" is the only one with a normal fucking name in this flick.
TK: I swear, this dialogue is like a game of cheesy sword-and-sorcery madlibs.
JR: I swear this looks like it was a badly dubbed like a Kung-Fu flick.
JR: So John Amos's little mop top ward just put on the eyeball ring. Man jewelry is very important in this universe. Also John Amos just got SOOOOOOO ghetto, like "aw hail naw."
TK: He did, didn't he? It was a Will Smith moment. Also, I think the man jewelry is to distract you from all the scattered man ass.
JR: Blech, the eyeball ring also chatters. Seriously I had so many dreams about it.
TK: I wonder how many times Marc Singer just passed the fuck out from flexing so much in this.
JR: Do you think Dar trained his ferrets to oil his pecs for him? Like while he reclined by the fire?
TK: Well, we've already established that he's a creepy date rape-o, so I wouldn't put it past him.
JR: When you can see through the eyes of a hawk, would you really be able to resist being a creepy date rape-o? Amirite, ornithologists?
JR: So Dar, his oiled pecs, John Amos and the kid have to go rescue Tanya Roberts, lest her breasts go the way of that roasted baby.
TK: And nobody likes charred boobies.
JR: DIAPER TIME!
TK: Holy christ, Fitzwallace's loincloth is magnificent. Can a movie make you gay? Because I'm starting to... ah, never mind
JR: Just look at Tanya Roberts' wet, clingy dress. They show this clip at Jesus Camp when deprogramming the gays
TK: Fortunately, the big rescue is aided by the fact that the bad guys can't shoot for shit. I call it Stormtrooper Syndrome.
JR: I'm glad they were able to rescue Tanya Roberts from a fate worse than death (charred boobies), but weren't there like five OTHER slave girls? They just left the other slave girls?
TK: HEY! One thing at a time, OK? Made me think of this
JR: Wait, what about the loinclothy date rapist that talks to animals makes Tanya Roberts all hot and bothered?
TK: SHE IS DRAWN TO THE GLISTENING
JR: Okay, rando villager who looks like Buddy Hackett has been recruited to the cause by the hawk. The persuasive words of a hawk.
TK: Apparently communicating with birds isn't that hard. Ornithologists, you're a bunch of fucking frauds.
JR: Awwww Tanya Roberts lost the bottom half of her dress again. So careless.
TK: And now Dar is rappelling through the room of giant gauntleted monster things.
JR: And don't fret, the ferrets have oiled his thighs as well as his pecs. They're very thorough.
TK: They have to earn their keep, after all. Oiling and petty theft. The life of a ferret is simple.
JR: Their needs are few.
TK: Now we get to watch as men are made into Stormtroopers... I mean "deathguards."
JR: You know how Dar has cunning (ferrets) strength (big cat) and eyes (hawk/falcon/eagle/unicorn)? Well apparently this rando diapered kid is the brains of the operation. Also they insert leeches into the brain. Was this before or after that Star Trek movie?
TK: Also known as "how to make an inhuman army of vicious killers using glowstick juice."
TK: The scary deathguard gimps are also fond of loincloths.
(we briefly pause as TK has to go all Beastmaster on his frantic puppy who is afraid of thunderstorms)
JR: Why did Kiri change into a fancy top half of a dress? Does she have a costume closet in the Temple?
TK: And why do the killer gimps hate ferrets so much?
JR: You know killer gimps only have eyes for hamsters and gerbils. Ferrets are too girthy. Hey! King Zed ain't dead!
TK: Nope, just eyeless.
JR: And Kiri is his niece... making Kiri and Dar f*cking cousins?
TK: Every culture has its quirks. And now Dar is blind too, after the creepy wall-crawling witch mojo'd his ass.
JR: Man, I love that killer gimp, waving his arms like some kind of Wookie.
TK: He is, isn't he? Like a giant hairless wookie in a gimp suit. THAT'S something that'll haunt your dreams.
JR: In the eternal struggle between boobies and ferrets, Dar choses the ferrets. Bad move, Dar.
TK: They're his little friends! He's a loyal friend to rodents everywhere!
Now the ferrets are leading the gimp to kill the creepy bald priests... and this just turned into the world's weirdest fetish porn.
JR: Now they're crawling through the air shaft? Things just got Die Hard up in here.
TK: Why do they even have air shafts? Is it some sort of bizarre medieval HVAC?
JR: Killer gimps need their fresh air, too, man.
TK: Fortunately, Buddy Hackett is there with a well-timed wagon rescue.
JR: Seriously Marc Singer just flings those ferrets around. They're not LUMBER, Singer.
TK: Every time he speaks in bird-noises, an ornithologist gets an erection.
JR: DUDE Kiri had a stealth throwing star in her hair? I'd hit that.
TK: And the ferrets just ate guard balls to aid their escape!
JR: The portcullis impales three killer gimps at once, that's three drinks for those of you playing at home.
TK: I gotta say, the gimp army is pretty unimpressive. their ferret-hatred is blinding them.
TK: And now Dar is proclaimed the Beastmaster by Fitzwallace, and the king is touching his magical pecs.
TK: Shit just got real, yo. THE KING DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF THE GLISTENING. It's like the Highlander Quickening, but oilier.
JR: HE CAN'T SEE IT.
TK: Yeah, but how can he not smell it? That much glisten... it gives off a scent.
TK: Aaand that was way more creepy than it should have been. Dar sheds a single tear because Kiri won't leave with him. He is A SENSITIVE BEASTMASTER.
JR: Even his tears glisten!
TK: Woe to any who doubt the power of the glistening.
JR: I love that shot of John Amos staring into the eyeball ring... "What in the hell is going on, I mean what. in. the. HAIL. is going on?"
TK: Also, I love that Seth is like the Lando of the Beastmaster universe. The only black man in the world.
JR: And on this, the dawn of the final day of battle, Dar's hair is especially feathered.
TK: The feathering, like the glistening, is what gives him strength.... and now apparently the dumbass blind king got everyone captured. And Dar must save everyone. I say let 'em fry and find yourself a new slave girl to get all creepo on.
JR: John Amos and the kid are all in ceremonial robes, which means we don't get to see the splendor of Fitzwallace in his loincloth.
TK: It's truly a sad day. But wait! Dar is here to save them and Seth immediately turns on his Diaper Power!
JR: Dude, there's a shortage of perfect breasts! And Rip Torn is trying to stab Kiri's!
TK: Maax to his guards: "You're about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop," because seriously, those guys are for shit.
JR: How many times has Dar done that sword swinging maneuver? Ohhh... Zed's dead, baby
TK: Oh dang. your miniature skull hair beads won't save you now.
JR: Dude! It's double diaper power. Ebony and ivory.
TK: I mean seriously, the guards just got schooled by a ten year old in Depends and now finally the villagers are doing their part. Lazy fucking villagers, they deserve to be slaves.
TK: Aw, Kodo just sacrificed himself.
JR: The ferret NIBBLED on Rip Torn and he fell into the sacrificial flame?
TK: Which, when you really think about it, means that this shithole of a land was rescued by a fucking marmot.
JR: "We must fight!" "No, we must flee!" That's my favorite moment.
TK: Friggin' candyasses.
TK: If I were Dar, I'd put the whole damn village to the torch and join the Juns.
Seth's other best line: "PULL FOR YOUR FREEDOM."
TK: But now the Jun horde is a-stormin', and the Shazbat, or whatever the fucking birds name is, is sent off to find help. Oh sheeee-it... THASSALOTTA JUNS.
JR: I think it's Sherbert, this bird's name is Sherbert.
TK: That's probably right. Sherbert makes more sense.
JR: And the Huns, I mean Juns, have zero diaper power.
TK: Meaning they have no chance.
JR: Plus the villagers just got the Juns all wet. I mean, you can't fight SOGGY. Glisteny, sure. And did Kiri just lose her robe in a portcullis accident? Like she needs an excuse to run around half naked?
TK: The world is an uncertain place, Jo. People get wet, portcullises fall and you lose your clothes. And now the JunHuns are pissed. And Dar just suplexed a horse. some Beastmaster he is.
JR: But still the Juns underestimate the power of the diaper. Seriously. the JunHuns are SO grumpy since they got wet.
TK: So explain to me: this fearsome army of Jun barbarians, with their leather and their fetish gear, just got their asses handed to them like a hat by a sweaty dude in a loincloth, two guys in diapers with fenceposts for weapons, and a half-naked Playboy model? Did I score that correctly?
TK: And Dar goes all Randy Machoman Savage on another horse.
JR: BUT, you forget to factor in diaper power and the glisten. I think we've determined these are the forces worth reckoning with.
TK: SO true.
JR: We still haven't nailed down Kiri's super power.
TK: I'm telling you, it's sauciness. and wooden dialogue.
Uh oh, Dar and his company of poorly clad comrades are surrounded!
JR: Dude the Witch King of the Juns just got screwed by his own fancy helm. Which is the Beastmaster version of being hoisted by your own petard
TK: And now the Huns are getting gooified by the giant bat-winged suckomatic dudes.
JR: I'd rather be gooified than glistened to death.
TK: Oh, little Ivory diaper boy got hisself crossbowed, I forgot. Man, this movie is not kind to children.
JR: Awww. Dar leant Ebony Diaper his skin oil.
TK: Lando finally realizes that Dar is the real king, but Dar's all "NO! I must travel the world and bring The Glistening to the people!" And Seth's all "man this shit chafes."
JR: It's a LEATHER diaper.
TK: Studded leather. And a fine craftsmanship, I might add.
JR: Sure. "Craftsmanship." That's what they call it.
TK: The young king's first edict: Let's learn to make some fucking pants.
TK: Oh, Kiri caught up with Dar. She shall join him for the Glistening.
JR: So Dar lost a ferret and gained a Playboy model? I say it's a wash.
TK: Yup and apparently the lion is gonna get freaky with the ferret anyway. I mean, we've already got incest, let's roll with some interspecies fuckin' while we're at it.
JR: Well, the lion looks like a better kisser than Kiri, who was all limp lipped.
Though she is rocking a power stance. Yup, I ended on power stance.
TK: Rightfully so