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avengersfakespoilers.jpg

All The Totally Real, 100% Accurate 'Infinity War' Spoilers Nobody Is Talking About... Except Us

By Tori Preston | Film | April 30, 2018 |

By Tori Preston | Film | April 30, 2018 |


avengersfakespoilers.jpg

Well, now that we’ve had a full weekend to throw all of our money at the Disney/Marvel machine, it’s time to unpack the minutiae of Avengers: Infinity War. Like that shocking appearance from Valkyrie:

Or that other adorable cameo:


The Overlords dug deep into the finer points of the movie this morning on Slack, and naturally, things got a little out of hand. Here, then, is a roundup of our favorite twists, turns, surprises, and completely real spoilers — not only for this film, for for the future of the MCU.

SPOILERS ASSEMBLE!

Petr Knava: No spoilers please if you can here, still not seen… Just in case

Steven Wilson: Batman dies at the end. Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

[Insert 10-minute diversion about whether aliens and/or cyborgs have genders the way we would interpret them]

TK Burton: Honestly, other than Peter Quill and Gamora, it’s mostly a film devoid of romantic trappings. There’s five minutes of Tony and Pepper, and a 10-second exchange between Bruce and Natasha. That’s it. Shit. Sorry, Petr. I’ll stop talking.

Petr Knava: Haha

Tori Preston: IT’S A ROMANTIC COMEDY. IGNORE TK.

Petr Knava: Nah that’s fine

Steven Wilson: I liked it when Steve Rogers was T’Challa’s wingman and they sang “Love and Feeling” to Bucky. And then Thor told Bruce “Thou can be the man of my wings, any day!”

TK Burton: The threesome was unexpected, but not unappreciated.

Petr Knava: Bit disappointed a threesome is all they managed with that many hotties around. I mean come on Sense 8 did better.

Tori Preston: I mean, we said there was a threesome — we didn’t say there weren’t additional orgies

Petr Knava: Ok good good just checking. Good. Good

Tori Preston: gawd, we’re trying not to spoil it for you. Also, we’re basically fan-fictioning the inevitable porn spoof, “Infinity Wang”

TK Burton: I would have also accepted “Sinfinity Wars”

Petr Knava: All I’m saying is, if I don’t see Thanos shoving that golden bejewelled fist into somebody’s superpowered flavour tunnel I’m gonna be disappointed

Steven Wilson: Well at least we know the post we will pivot to video on.

Petr Knava: Thanus

Steven Wilson: He will bring balance by fucking half the universe

Petr Knava: That’s the porn parody for sure. Twist: he’s played by Josh Brolin also, just painted purple.

Tori Preston: omg, I feel like we need to turn this into a post: “How to avoid Infinity War spoilers on Slack Through Lies And Deception And Also Porn?”

Petr Knava: I feel like I want to be credited for Thanus, but also I don’t? [Editor’s Note: Too late. Too fucking late.]

Kristy Puchko: Pepper inserts an infinity stone in her vagina b/c GOOP forever. Aunt May gets caught making out with Valkyrie. That fashion montage where Thanos tried on different outfits to see which best went with that gaudy gauntlet.

Tori Preston: And Thanos got that makeover because purple is so 2000-late.

Genevieve Burgess: That part where Agent Ross showed up so he and Dr.Strange could solve an improbable murder together.

Kristy Puchko: That moment where Vision realized he could shapeshift. And if you can take on any form it’s definitely Oscar Isaac.

Genevieve Burgess: It was a little strange when the army invading Wakanda was entirely made up of white guys yelling “Well, actually” but it worked in context.

Tori Preston: STEVE ROGERS IS A NEVER NUDE

Petr Knava: HE TOTALLY WOULD BE ONE

Tori Preston: Wolverine finally joined the Avengers, but he only sang show tunes so it wasn’t as impressive as we’d hoped.

Jodi Smith: Deadpool talked Thanos to death and Infinity Wars 2 will just be the Avengers trying to get him out of their HQ

Tori Preston: The after credit scene was Thanos’s Glitter Fist facing off against Iron Fist in a fisting contest. The title of the next movie? “Avengers: Infinity Fists”

Jodi Smith: Two words: SQUIRREL GIRL

TK Burton: Thanos doesn’t kill anyone. Instead, he uses the Infinity Gauntlet for the cruelest trick of all — he reverts Steve Rogers to Skinny WW2 Steve forever. And does the same thing to Thor.

[snap] YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEIR BICEPS AGAIN

Tori Preston: … ok that’s not funny. That would be the end of the MCU.

Petr Knava: Yeah dude that’s cruel

TK Burton: AND T’CHALLA. AND M’BAKU

Tori Preston: SPOILER: MARVEL GOES OUT OF BUSINESS

Petr Knava: That universe runs on those biceps. He turns them all into incels.

TK Burton:

via GIPHY

Steven Wilson: True fact: until last week I assumed “incel” had something to do with incest and, amazingly, the truth ended up being even grosser.

TK Burton: Thanos replaces Steve Rogers with Rob Schneider

Jodi Smith: Thanos replaces all of the lady Avengers with Rob Schneider

TK Burton: Too far, Jodi. Too far.

Jodi Smith: I WIN

Tori Preston: At least she didn’t say he replaced them with walking, talking MAGA hats.

Jodi Smith: Yeah. I held back.

Tori Preston: I appreciate your resolve

Jodi Smith:

via GIPHY

Kristy Puchko: Neil deGrasse Tyson shows up to explain all the inaccuracies about time and space, and to shake his fist angrily at a cloud.

Tori Preston: Marvel actually replaced Brolin with NdGT at the last minute, due to scheduling conflicts with Deadpool 2.

Kristy Puchko: Tony and Cap get over their differences because they realize both of their best friends share the same first name. (Rhodey and Bucky are both James).

Tori Preston: OH SNAP. I was totally stuck thinking “Wait, there are two Marthas in the MCU?”

Kayleigh Donaldson: Hawkeye becomes super heroic and likeable and has a real personality!

Kristy Puchko: When their powers combine, the Avengers actually became Beyoncé.

Kayleigh Donaldson: The entire film is just a surprise Beyoncé album drop.

Tori Preston: Actually, the whole movie has already leaked online. The Thanos thing was a red herring. It’s secretly another Ultron movie called “Dirty Computer”…



Tori Preston is deputy editor of Pajiba. She rarely tweets here but she promises she reads all the submissions for the "Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything" column at [email protected].


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