A Pop Quiz To Help You Learn All The Wonderful Ways In Which 'The Pyramid' Manages To Be Terrible
By Cinesnark | Film | December 10, 2014 |
The Pyramid is a movie about some dumb people who discover an Ancient Egyptian pyramid buried under the sands of Giza. They discover the entrance to the pyramid just as the ongoing unrest in Egypt forces all research teams out of the country. Because these people are horror-movie stupid, they elect to make one desperate attempt to enter the pyramid for Science! and inside they discover that going into ancient temple-tombs is an incredibly dumb thing to do when you’re starring in a horror movie. What else could happen except that everyone gets picked off one by one all while leading up to the big monster reveal at the end? And these people definitely should have known they were in a horror movie—they discovered an ancient tomb and had a documentary crew following them around. If you ever find yourself around an ancient and/or occult artifact and there’s a documentary crew in your immediate vicinity, run for your life.
You’re in a horror movie.
The Pyramid is rated:
A) PG, because Science!
B) PG-13, because everything is rated PG-13 now
C) R, because the producers hoped that the lure of an R-rated horror movie would attract genre fans, even if the movie utterly fails to deliver on that promise
D) S, for soul-sucking waste of time
This movie contains the following monsters:
B) Wild hell-dogs
C) Blind cats the result of 10,000 years of inbreeding and cannibalism
D) A half-man, half-dog god/monster
Assume the movie contains at least two of the above monsters. They would be rendered stupid because:
A) Shitty CGI
B) Slow pacing sucks the energy from scenes
C) Cliché jump scares occurring precisely when and where expected
D) Did I mention the poor CGI?
The kills in The Pyramid are:
A) Mostly off-screen
B) Dumb, I saw better deaths in The Mummy
C) Disappointingly not gory
D) Cathartic, because these people are too stupid to live
The worst character in the movie is:
A) The cliché bitchy woman
B) The cliché overprotective dad
C) The cliché hot science chick
D) The cliché obnoxious cameraman who exists solely for the found footage element
The Pyramid is a boring waste of time and I regret all of the decisions in my life that lead to seeing it:
Watching bad movies for Pajiba is:
A) Slowly driving me insane
B) Eroding my will to live
C) Wasting time in which I could be doing important things like cleaning my cat’s litter box
D) An existential quest to discover the true craven depths of man
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