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100 Books in One Year: Miles to Go by Miley Cyrus

By Marra Alane | Posted Under Book Reviews | Comments (36)



miley-cyrus.jpg

The worst part of Miley Cyrus’s autobiography (yes, a fifteen year old has an autobiography — try not to let that thought derail you) isn’t the unbearable shout-outs to Daddy and Jesus or the irritating platitudes to her friends and family or grateful thanks to everyone (and I do mean every single goddamn person) who’s ever helped her in her career. It’s the fact that the book is kind of, well, cute. Adorable, really. And despite the giant text and picture sections and cloying ‘advice’ for her readers, the book is actually surprisingly…good. God, it hurt to type that.

The book starts out with Cyrus* at the beginning of her sixth grade year, which is when she first auditioned for Hannah Montana. She tells tales of her being bullied in school, which sort of smacks of ‘look at me, I’m so relate-able’ bullshit, but sometimes I did feel bad for her, and the way she turned to her music (if you can call it that) and writing to help her get through her tough times was sweet (shut up, it was). She also babbles about how hard it was for her to get the part of Hannah Montana (the producers wanted her for another part or something … I wasn’t really paying attention) and how important her family is to her, which, let’s face it, is super boring to read about. And even though she’s lived a rather atypical teenage life to say the least, she still prattles on about first boyfriend bullshit and tween drama to show she’s “just like you!” Also, the girl loves Jeebus, and if I hear her say she’s so ‘blessed’ for all the concerts and ‘acting’ she’s been able to do one more time, I swear to her God I’ll fucking throttle her. But if I’m perfectly honest, she’s sort of funny, and she’s actually not a bad writer. At all. Don’t get me wrong, I wish she was, because it’d be way more fun to rip into her rather than write a review about how nice and normal she seems, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Interspersed throughout the text are little side notes written in fake handwriting, commenting on her own writing, I Am America And So Can You-style, which are really just too cute for words. There are also lists breaking up the story — things like “Fifty things I Want To Do Before I Die” and “Ten Things That Are Really Important To Me” and “Favorite Foods.” As much as I hate to admit it, there’s something sort of heartbreakingly sweet and endearing about a girl who puts peace in the Middle East and attending prom on the same list.

I didn’t know a whole lot about Miley Cyrus (real name: Tiffany. Seriously) before picking up the book as my own personal April Fool’s Day Prank to me, and I still don’t. The book assumes a high level of knowledge about the girl’s life and I’ll admit I didn’t really care about her professional activities or learning more about her to bother trying to figure it out. But after reading the book, I have to say, she’s just cute as a button.

Also, I begrudgingly give her a lot of credit for writing a book by herself. Even though I’m sure her editor had to rewrite whole sections of it, she didn’t have a ghost writer, which puts her above both Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton when it comes to celebrity authorship. Not that that’s difficult, mind you, but still, it should be praised. At least now we know the poor girl is literate.

(*I feel dirty referring to her by her last name. Like it gives her credibility as an author or something.)

This review is part of the Cannonball Read series. Details are here and the growing number of participants and their blogs are here. And check here for more of Marra Alane’s reviews.









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Comments

HWOSG

Posted by: Christopher at April 9, 2009 9:28 AM

I doubt, DOUBT, she actually penned this thing. If it was "cute" or "funny" or even slightly entertaining on any level, her contribution to the book was limited to having her name on the cover. They probably allowed to her write a bunch of letters on a piece of paper, which the editor then wove into complete sentences.

Posted by: courtney at April 9, 2009 9:41 AM

wait.

tiffany?


BWAHAAHAA!!

Posted by: gp at April 9, 2009 9:46 AM

Reading your review made me die a little inside.

Posted by: PavlovianHippie at April 9, 2009 9:48 AM

Okay Marra. Now I know you're just fuckin' with us. You hate Jame Eyre and dismiss it with a few lines of review, but you find this "auto" biography surprisingly good and give it multiple paragraphs. Have you met Pookie? You two would be great together. You could produce little PooMarrookies who could just spend their days messing with our minds and offending us online.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 9, 2009 9:52 AM

If you actually read this, I suggest you kill yourself, immediately.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 9, 2009 9:59 AM

Tiffany? I thought her first name was Destiny Hope. Miley and her dad were on the Ellen show and according to her (crazy) dad when her mum was pregnant with her someone told him that Miley was 'His Destiny and his Hope' so he named her that, I think its latin for 'Meal Ticket'

Posted by: nieve at April 9, 2009 10:00 AM

How was the sex chapter on her statutory rape-lationship with a 20-year-old man and her constant "leaking" (translation: attention-starved, please-love-me uploading) of sexy photos on to the internet? Was starring in a Girls Gone Wild video on her list of 50 things she wants to do before she dies?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 9, 2009 10:01 AM

i do not believe for one second that she wrote any part of this book. i doubt she was even aware that it was being written until they told her she had to pack for the 12-city book tour.

Posted by: grenadine at April 9, 2009 10:01 AM

Marra, you just triggered my gag reflex.

Posted by: admin at April 9, 2009 10:04 AM

Alternate title:

Confessions of a Teenage Disney Whore

alternate alternate:

Whore

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 9, 2009 10:07 AM

I'm with B-Slim, when the drugs wear off Marra, you're going to have one hell of a hang over. Serious, you can't main line that much shit and just walk away, you know?

And while I may despise anyone who has the audacity to 'write' an autobiography after only 15 years of life, I must say that your review at least was well written. Bravo for that. Especially after all those drugs to ease the pain.

Posted by: Xtreme at April 9, 2009 10:12 AM

What a bunch of whiners. The reviewer assumumed the book would be terrible. The book obviously wasn't good, but it also wasn't as hatable as predicted.

It's like a 150-person plane crashing from 20,000 feet, with only 75 casualties... it sucks that 75 people died a horrible death, but not quite as bad as expected.

Posted by: Hyman Roth at April 9, 2009 10:15 AM

"there’s something sort of heartbreakingly sweet and endearing about a girl who puts peace in the Middle East and attending prom on the same list."

I'll bet you also think those Miss America candidates are just so sweet and adorably dedicated to old people and world peace.

Seriously Marra: which one are you really, Dustin or TK trying to stir things up?

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 9, 2009 10:17 AM

"sexy photos on to the internet"

Jeebus and I agree: If the girl is blessed with a body, she should show more of it. "Naked came you into the world, and naked you should be on the Interwebs."

Get to work, girl.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 9, 2009 10:23 AM

"Seriously Marra: which one are you really, Dustin or TK trying to stir things up?"

For serious, wasn't April Fools last week?

Posted by: annoyingmouse at April 9, 2009 10:25 AM

"little PooMarrookies "

I am naming my next pet this. Or my next boyfriend. Thank you, Paddydog!

Posted by: Lainey at April 9, 2009 10:34 AM

She's not a "girl." She's a terrifying, soulless marketing construct. In every interview I've ever seen of her she is completely incapable of any genuine or sincere interaction. Some celebrities are deliberately guarded as a defense mechanism... she just seems like a howling void.

Posted by: firedmyass at April 9, 2009 10:36 AM

Hyman Roth:

You really don't get us. We're not whining. We are highly amused.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 9, 2009 10:39 AM

There is no way this half-wit penned even a sentence of this. There is absolutely some talented writer out there compromising his or her art to profit from the likes of Miley.

Posted by: samantha t at April 9, 2009 10:42 AM

I love that this foolishness came out at the same time as the Cheever and O'Connor biographies. So sad that this will probably sell better.

Posted by: samantha t at April 9, 2009 10:42 AM

We use the phrase "raping my childhood" around here a lot, but here's someone you can actually watch that happen to.

Does anyone think the idea for an "auto"biography came from this poor idiot, or from the monster entertainment company that owns her ass until she's not bringing the tweeners and their mommy's money to the Mouse anymore, at which point they'll ditch her as fast as possible for someone exactly like her, only four years younger? What 16-year-old would think like that? This is pure Disney, milking every penny it can from her while it can. Wouldn't you like to see that contract? Not that the Cyruses won't get their cut, but I'll bet that deal makes the old baseball reserve clause look like the Emancipation Proclamation.

Meantime, this poor twat will have thrown away a normal teen life of school and dates and proms (as normal as it could have been, anyway, with a one-hit douchebag for a daddy) in return for money and a life of never knowing the difference between friends and users.

How will it feel when you're washed up at 21 and your face is no longer three stories tall at the Imax but is only the size you see in the mirror every day, and only ever will be? If you can see it at all through the drug and alcohol haze you'll need to numb the pain of the realization of what you're sold your soul to, and for.

It's child abuse, is what it is. It's child rape. At 16 you can't even make the decision to get married in many states, but you can sign up for a "marriage" with a heartless, soulless megacorporation that will hold you in glorified slavery and pimp your ass again and again until it is of no more use.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 9, 2009 11:46 AM

Tiffany?! I actually thought her real name was the more strippertastic Destiny.

So I heard from my 9-year-old niece anyway.

Posted by: lucy van pelt at April 9, 2009 12:16 PM

Were any of the pics MySpace ones? Cuz I know she loves those.

She looks like a muppet. She sings like a poptard. Her cool/normal characters are blonde/brunette repsectively. But if this gets the tweens penning their own journals in, say, something other than txtspk, I lift my glass of vodka-spiked kool-aid to her.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at April 9, 2009 12:26 PM

I have a cousin who was (and is, I guess) a singer, right from the time she was 3 years old. Pampered and indulged, she was bombarded constantly with the belief from her parents that she was going to be rich and famous, one day.... She became outrageously entitled at a very young age, too good to talk with any of her cousins that didn't partake in the adulation heaped upon her by greedy family members.....

So, yeah, now she's 30 something, nobody has heard of her, she is not rich and famous, and yet still vomit-inducingly entitled. I don't fucking get it.

I'd like to finish up my rant with a time-honored "BIIIITCH... PLEEEAAASE...."

Posted by: Janey at April 9, 2009 12:40 PM

Marra, I love you. Hee.

Posted by: figgy at April 9, 2009 1:30 PM

Marra, either you hate yourself or you've got a bigger pair than most internet trolls do. Seriously, why this book? Was this a pointed "up yours" to the Jane Eyre fans, or a flippant "fuck you" to all the Miley-haters here? I don't for a minute believe the "april fool's" motivation, neither do I believe that Miley wrote more than 3 words of the book. For shame, Marra. I was with you on the Eyre thing but you're on your own here. For shame.

bucdaddy, I agree that there's something very messed up with a soulcrushing company being allowed to own children, and that a child is able to willingly enter into such a contract. Just another reason to hate the Fucking Mouse.

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 9, 2009 1:46 PM

"She looks like a muppet."

She totally does. That is so well-put.

Posted by: samantha t at April 9, 2009 2:25 PM

People, people. Don't blame Marra for actually finding something worthwhile about reading that book, or Miley for "writing" it. Chick's gotta make money while she can.

Remember folks, some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, others are foisted upon an unsuspecting public by money hungry parents and soulless media corporations eager to grasp at the willing youth everywhere as they attempt to empty the pockets of their parents!

So it's not her fault. After 18 she's totally culpable.

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 9, 2009 3:04 PM

Is it fair to write an autobiography at sixteen? Regardless of how interesting you actually are, I feel that even though she's Hannah Montana, she doesn't have any more to say about life as a teen then most other kids do.
And the bullying chapters, give me a break. Yeah, it sucks that you were bullied and picked on, but you are making more money then I or anyone I know will ever make in our lifetimes, plus, you are so incredibly famous that you don't have too much to complain about. And call me cynical, but everyone can say they want world peace, but it's the people who get off their asses and make a difference that can feel proud. We all want peace, but the problem is that we all want peace, and not all of us will actually do anything.
All in all, this entire book reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Calvin has a piece of paper on a desk and a pencil out. Hobbes goes, "Hey Calvin, what are you doing?" Calvin replies, "I'm writing an autobiography." Hobbes: "But you're only six years old!" Calvin: "I know. I've only got one page."

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 9, 2009 3:52 PM

I feel that even though she's Hannah Montana, she doesn't have any more to say about life as a teen then most other kids do.

I feel like she has less. I couldn't care less what celeb shenanigans and pampered shit she goes through. I think I lack the empathy chip for child stars.

Posted by: Hurp Durp at April 9, 2009 4:17 PM

Kamikaze I think Calvin may have a lot more to write than Miley. That little brat is an evil genius!

I'm betting all his inner ramblings with Hobbes have more depth than Miss Cyrus'. Then again he's the creation of an adult's imagination.

But on the flip side, so was she. I like Calvin better.

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 9, 2009 4:47 PM

She is such a fraud if her name is Tiffany, I feel so BETRAYED! (Running into closet to CRY! WAHHH!)

Posted by: ph at April 11, 2009 10:00 PM

SHUT UP! shes a good singer (even though nobody thinks so), shes a very nice person (and cute), and the book is VERY well wriiten! Im tired of everybody critizing her just becuz her dad is a singer! I assure you that if he wasnt, half of this crap wouldnt be going around! You need to mind ur own friekin business and stay out of other peoples lives and stop passing around these bullshit rumors! Her name is not tiffany(of course another rumor from u:the dumbo), and i know that for a fact! You seriously need to get a life and stop destroying the ones that some people (unlike you) were smart enough to have!

Posted by: Toad at April 23, 2009 4:58 PM

You people are just jealous of her success,I read her book and I think it is really good though.Stop fooling yourselves,you know you adore her!

Posted by: Eduard at May 3, 2009 1:42 PM

WTF did you actually read the book or are you just saying some dumb things just to mess with people? Her REAL name is Destiny Hope Cyrus NOT Tiffany! Get it right, if you actually call yourself a writer you should be ashamed.

Posted by: RH at June 7, 2009 5:47 PM