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Aliens? Serial Killers? Hot Nerdy Women With Guns? Deformed People? Drug Induced Rants?

By Deistbrawler | Posted Under Book Reviews | Comments (15)

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I’ll be honest with you, I don’t like Dean Koontz. I can read Stephen King until the fucking world ends but I can’t get into Koontz’s books. That being said … it literally took me a month to finish the 681-page One Door Away From Heaven. Not saying the page length is what took me so long — it was the story itself. Sometimes I would get captivated and interested only to be turned off by it three pages later. Sometimes I would just stare at the book sitting next to me and sigh. The book has its moments, particularly in periods of revelation, but even those could appear preachy and unnecessary, almost like Koontz decided to hit us on the head with them.

I don’t even know how to go about discussing this book, there is just so much random shit. In essence it follows two main stories that eventually merge into one. The first story — while it involves central characters like Mickey (a beautiful recovering alcoholic), Aunt Gen (an older woman who was shot in the head and replaces memories with movies), Maddoc, and Sinsemilla — is really about Leilani. Leilani is a deformed girl (but a way too intelligent 9-year-old) with a drug-crazed mother (who attacks her daughter with snakes and carves intricate designs in her arm) and a serial-killing stepfather (who believes that all people who aren’t super intelligent and physically capable should be killed) who plans on killing her, like her brother, before her tenth birthday. The second story features crazy psycho alien assassins, Cass & Polly (identical twin sisters with fantastic bodies who used to be Vegas showgirls and shoot shit), and Old Yeller (a special dog), but it really is about Curtis. Curtis is an alien who is trying to save the world. He’s a shape shifter who is taking the identity of a boy, being hunted by alien assassins who want entropy to reign, and has hot chicks protecting him.

What the story is really about is a giant political agenda. At least that’s what it feels like to me. Dean goes on rants about how the rich rule the world. How handicapped people are frowned upon instead of being treated as equals. How the justice system is entirely fucked up. How humanity has lost itself. How women need to become successful through themselves rather than their bodies. How there is a GOD. Now I don’t really know if he is trying to stress the point of there being a god necessarily or that there is someTHING that has created everything, or maybe he’s trying to pull an Avatar and everything is connected together. He does, however, quote the Bible a few times, use references to Greek gods, and mention religion a lot (both eastern and western philosophies). Oh…and dogs can apparently see all of this. No lie … hand to god.

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t get into the story. He had way too much shit going on. Aliens? Serial killers? Hot Nerdy Chicks With Guns? Deformed People? Drug Induced Rants? I think the core story is probably really good … he just overran it with bullshit. The point of the story? Love everyone, love nature, be at peace. *yawn* Do you have any idea how fucking boring the world would be?

I know people who loved it. I’m not one of them. Although I did love Chapter 61. It was written from the serial killer’s perspective (which he didn’t bother doing until the end of the book so it’s kind of out of place) and reminds me of the killer from Se7en.

This review is part of the Cannonball Read series. For more of Deistbrawler’s reviews, check out his blog, Mindless Rants of a Mindless Person.









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Comments

I've read one Koontz book. I've never had the urge to pick one up again.

Posted by: admin at June 16, 2010 8:45 AM

I didn't realize Koontz was that heavy on the God pedal, though it only confirms that I made a good decision by staying the hell away from his novels.

Posted by: TheMaskedEmu at June 16, 2010 8:48 AM

I can't believe you waded through all 681 pages. Thanks for taking one for the team, DeistBrawler.

Posted by: Jelinas at June 16, 2010 9:05 AM

It sounds like you could have summed up the novel with one word: clusterfuck. Of course, your review is much better than just a one word review would be, but it does come to the same conclusion. Clusterfuck. Thanks for the heads up on shit to avoid, Deist!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 16, 2010 9:48 AM

I tried to read a Koontz novel once. I needed something to read on a flight, and I nabbed it from the office collection of random shit literature thinking, "Well, if it's super popular, then it'll at least be entertaining even if it's inherently stupid." Oh, how wrong I was! I settled in, buckled up and made it approximately 1 1/2 chapters in before I could stand the horrendous writing no longer. So terrible.
Staring out the window and watching the clouds go by for 3 hours was infinitely more diverting.

Posted by: HB at June 16, 2010 10:27 AM

Let me guess: one of the twins dies? That's a favorite emotional suckerpunch of Koontz's from way back.

At least--as a twin, myself--I always thought so.

Posted by: Joanna at June 16, 2010 10:29 AM

Ahh yes. Dean Koontz wishes he could weave together plot lines and character arcs the way Stephen King does...Fails every time. I have read a lot of his earlier books and found they are mostly good for leaving on the shelf in your summer cottage/ski lodge for reading when there's nothing else to do because you either sunburned yourself or broke your leg.

Posted by: JenVegas at June 16, 2010 11:02 AM

If you've read one Dean Koontz novel, you've read them all. You start with your protagonist, who will either be overly glib or the straight man for an overly glib secondary character. Throw in some mysterious, supernatural occurences that will almost certainly have a scientific explanation before the end of the novel; rest assured that this will be over-explained to the point that you will feel beaten about the head and shoulders with a science text. At least one character will be a compassionate conservative; you will feel comfortable assuming this character speaks for the author, as the character might as well be named "Kean R. Doontz." At some point, a goddamn golden retriever will enter the tale. If you are very, very lucky, the goddamn golden retriever will not be a main character. The novel may include a child. This child will either be precocious to the point of "AIYEE! MIDGET FROM ORPHAN!!!" or syrupy sweet and helpless. Either way, you will be praying for a pinpoint meteor strike to take out the child and the goddamn golden retriever.

As for antagonists, throw in a killer with a God complex and the empathy of a barracuda. He may or may not have fancy supernatural abilities, but he will be written as unstoppable until he is stopped abruptly and without fanfare, often several chapters before the novel ends. Throw in a shadowy conspiracy, government or otherwise, that is apparently pulling every string behind the scenes. Revise opinion of author from "compassionate conservative" to "tinfoil-hatted nutbag".

Finally, you have your ending, which will almost certainly be abrupt, and may involve a deus ex machina. It will definitely make you hate yourself and the world. Meanwhile, all of these ingredients are being dropped into a salad shooter to prepare for the NEXT Dean Koontz novel, "The [noun] to [adjective and/or noun]".

There. Now no one has to read Dean Koontz novels. You may thank me.

Posted by: Craig at June 16, 2010 11:17 AM

Haven't picked up a Koontz in a while. Not since I tried to slog through The Taking re: a steaming pile. Having said that I don't discount all of his work. Odd Thomas I actually liked. I kinda like The Bad Place too ( Had some good sci-fi-ish elements but the Down's Syndrome kid was a way better character than any of the others) & Cold Fire which started out fast-paced and great then devolved into wtfuckery. So anyway, I'll end this ramble by saying, yeah, his writing's not the most cohesive and he writes about incest ALOT.

Posted by: villain's minion at June 16, 2010 11:47 AM

*re: should be read.

Posted by: villain's minion at June 16, 2010 11:49 AM

My favorite from Koontz is Watchers, it's quality.
Relentless was okay, if not for the "OH SHIT DAD I MADE A TIME MACHINE LET'S USE IT" ending, which was fucking stupid.
The Face was okay.

Posted by: Parker Jammstein at June 16, 2010 12:31 PM

Koontz sounds like an eight year olds word for vagina....that is all.

Posted by: Blank at June 16, 2010 1:49 PM

Koontz is actually a decent writer when he doesn't try to cram his political and religious beliefs down your throat at every turn. Phantoms was a pretty top notch book and he has had a few others. The problem is he only has a couple of books where he doesn't. That and the fact that relies over-much on emotionally fucked up situations.

Posted by: matt at June 16, 2010 2:26 PM

I agree with Matt... Koontz actually had some pretty stellar books earlier in his career... but he's been phoning it in for the last several DECADES.
As for the good ones:
Phantoms
Watchers
Whispers
Twilight Eyes
Shadowfires
And believe it or not, the retooled Frankenstein trilogy was a lot of fun (although each book was written with a co-author which may be why.)

Posted by: JoeEbola at June 16, 2010 7:30 PM

Some early Koontz books are actually readable (i.e. Lightning and Watchers), but he started going downhill in the '90s and his books this past decade have been utter horse shit.
I suppose the last book of his I actually liked was Intensity, which came out in '95. These days, when I see he has a new book coming out, I don't even try it, not even to check it out for free from the library where I work.
Craig's comment was spot-on: if you've read one Dean Koontz book, you've read them all, especially for anything that has come out in the past 10-15 years.

Posted by: jenny at June 16, 2010 7:39 PM