Here’s what you need to know.
Colleen Rooney is the online influencer—or as Wiki defines it, ‘product endorser’; which, well, why the hell haven’t we all adopted that term instead—who first found fame as the partner of English footballer Wayne Rooney.
Rebekah Vardy is a former nightclub promoter and now wife of Jamie Vardy—another English footballer, this one currently playing for the national team.
It’s a bit of a sexist framing, that ‘wives and girlfriends’ stuff, to say the least, but we’ve stuck with it in the headline for ease of translation across the pond.
And so, with that out the way, let’s get to the meat of the story.
In the midst of the never-ending chaotic churn of Brexit, in the heat of all the exhaustion and despair, British Twitter has been crying out for an oasis of relatively light relief—and it has found it in the shape of a story that Colleen Rooney posted this morning, in which she detailed a bit of amateur sleuthing that she did in order to find out who had been leaking her private Instagram information to that exploded racist nightclub toilet of a newspaper, The S*n. What I like about most of Twitter’s reaction is that it doesn’t seem to revel in the cruelty visited upon Rooney, but rather in her ingenuity and dramatic storytelling. And, I mean, this story isn’t exactly in my usual wheelhouse, but really, it is something to behold. So here we go.
Here’s the original story from Rooney:
This has been a burden in my life for a few years now and finally I have got to the bottom of it…… pic.twitter.com/0YqJAoXuK1— Coleen Rooney (@ColeenRoo) October 9, 2019
And here’s British Twitter’s total immersion in it:
This is the juiciest tweet I’ve read in years. I’m sorry this happened to you but you need to be put in charge of Interpol— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) October 9, 2019
My jaw is on the floor.— Mark Di Stefano 🤙🏻 (@MarkDiStef) October 9, 2019
Wayne Rooney’s wife went about finding the person who was sending her private Instagram posts to The Sun by posting fake stories.
She claims to have caught Jamie Vardy’s wife.
Incredible, sensational. https://t.co/DL9UhEfRuN
give coleen rooney a netflix series where she solves social media mysteries, do it now https://t.co/mwNkOCfTMD— the iggsorcist (@multiplebears) October 9, 2019
I fucking love Coleen Rooney https://t.co/MIzvh51fQD— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) October 9, 2019
Judge: You're still looking at 25 years— Jonny Sharples (@JonnyGabriel) October 9, 2019
6ix9ine: The Instagram snitch is Rebekah Vardy pic.twitter.com/MK9vsJKuDe
I’m only dimly aware of football or Coleen Rooney, and I’d never heard the name Rebekah Vardy before ten minutes ago. Now I live for their drama. It’s been a while since we had a good Twitter live soap 🧼— Alex von Tunzelmann (@alexvtunzelmann) October 9, 2019
Coleen Rooney showing more plan in her attack on Rebekah Vardy than we’ve shown all season— The Man Utd Way (@TheManUtdWay) October 9, 2019
Rebekah Vardy running to the press to give them the Coleen Rooney scoop before realising it’s about her pic.twitter.com/2aYyNuSlce— Calum McCloskey (@calmcc93) October 9, 2019
Everyone reading Coleen Rooney's tweet. pic.twitter.com/sxQ01ZyYrs— Kristian (@vonstrenginho) October 9, 2019
Rebekah Vardy had the right to be interviewed by a WAG at least one rank senior pic.twitter.com/XkKieOLBIq— Rob Fuller (@robfuller91) October 9, 2019
If Coleen Rooney doesn’t become a private investigator and use R👀NEY as her logo then she has squandered a golden opportunity— Dotty (@AmplifyDot) October 9, 2019
I really admire Coleen Rooney’s tenacity. Because someone did pass the parcel with my business earlier this year and it ruined something I really wanted.— Tolly (@tolly_t) October 9, 2019
And till this day, I’m still trying to work out who it was.
And to think, we were all blaming Cummings. https://t.co/F4SueuXSM3— Ally Fogg (@AllyFogg) October 9, 2019
"She is on the case. I love this so much, this is awesome!"— Hanna Ines Flint (@HannaFlint) October 9, 2019
Coleen Rooney gets the Rian Johnson seal of approval.
If @ColeenRoo doesn’t get the Pulitzer, we riot.— Ash Sarkar (@AyoCaesar) October 9, 2019
For her part, Vardy responded:
Header Image Source: Getty Images