One of my favourite little games on the internet is finding something stupid being done, and then to imagine the thought process that led to it being done. Having done more than my fair share of stupid things in my life, I feel like a bit of a connoisseur of thought process that might seem reasonable and coherent in the moment, but that on further reflection strike you as having so off-kilter and maddeningly stupid that you start to question the structural integrity of your grey matter.
Here, let’s give it a go.
‘Hey look, it’s an alligator. I should probably stay away. It’s not actively attacking me, so I should probably stay away. In fact it doesn’t even seem to be impeding my day in any way. It’s just hanging out in a ditch. I should leave it completely alone. Yep.
But what if! What if, actually, instead of leaving the thrashing tank lizard well enough alone I tried to ride it instead. I’ve read that they go docile when you cover their eyes, so. Plus I’m clearly in my prime. The vigour of youth courses through my veins. I bet I could calm that dinosaur down with a lightly placed, unsecured sweater over its eyes and then ride it on over to the club house to impress the boys. Plus I’m wearing my battle slacks. What could go wrong? Alright Bob hold my golf club, I’m going in…’
Yeah, he’s lucky that wasn’t actually a crocodile as the title says. There’d be no coming back from that.
‘I’m gonna jump through that linked-ropes-climbing thing in the playground. I’m good at jumping onto, over, and through things, so. Yeah. This is gonna be great. I’m just gonna launch myself right at that gap, and will sail straight through, like a graceful gazelle. I’m quite skinny so I don’t anticipate any problems here. What I might do, seeing as I’ve got experience with stunt work, is check the thing I’ll be stunting on. Just give it a quick feel. Check that the ropes are actually elastic enough to allow my corporeal form to pass through. Should literally take two seconds. Cos it would be pretty ridiculous if they weren’t! Can you imagine? I’d look quite the fool if those ropes didn’t have enough give to let me through. Haha.
Anyway, nah. I’m sure they do. On go the shades and here we go, Leeeeeeeerooyyyyyy Jennnkinnnnnnnnnssssssss!’
‘Right. Wow. A turtle! A snapping turtle! I’m holding a snapping turtle. I love turtles. I’m quite excited. I get to hold one. I get to hold a turtle. And not just any turtle. I get to hold a turtle, of the snapping variety. Damn I can’t wait to tell the bros back home about this. They love amphibians! So glad this is on camera so that it lasts forever. Proof that I held a snapping turtle! Argh, I can’t stand it, I’m in heaven right now. How could this get any better? I know! A kiss! A kiss makes everything better. What better way to improve this situation, than to lean in nice and close for a wet and sloppy kiss with these panicking jaws of death! Right, come here you, get ready to have your mind blo-…
I’ve actually got no narrative for this one. It’s just perfectly hilarious.