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Twitter Reacts To The Nonsense Of Planning A Straight Pride Parade

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | June 4, 2019 |

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | June 4, 2019 |


Happy pride month, my loves! I would apologize on the behalf of other straight people, but I hate their dumb faces with a fiery passion and hope they choke on their need to continuously attempt to snatch the spotlight from minorities and vulnerable groups. Case in point: a white guy in Boston decided it wasn’t even Stevens for there to be a pride parade when there isn’t a straight parade.

Well, congratulations, Martin! Looks like you’ve got a parade to plan since the city of Boston approved your little snowflake ass’s need for a participation trophy in the world of awareness! How nice for you, Marvin! But what’s this?

Ooooh, damn. Move in weekend, Mikey? That’s going to require some of your finesse to speak to the manager of the city in order to get those pesky college students out of your way. Or you could just cancel the whole ridiculous thing, Merlin. Perhaps these arguments will help sway you to my way of thinking.

That’s right, Murphy, your participation in the Straight Pride Parade as its creator will have most people convinced no one is actually having sex with you. Eeesh!

Oooh! That’s a great parade route idea for you, Mickey!

How soon you forget our very recent, very terrible hetero history…

So please, Mancy, just let this idea of a Straight Pride Parade go. Heteros already have inexorable rights to marry, walk in public with their significant other, and even get a reality television series on TLC if you’re a dude that marries several women. You don’t need a parade. You’ve got a safe and accepted way of life every day of the year. So sit down and drink Coors Light in your basement while yelling macho things and leave the parades to communities that need them.