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The Official Pajiba Guide to Your Conception

By Alexander Joenks | Social Media | November 6, 2015 |

By Alexander Joenks | Social Media | November 6, 2015 |

As we learned from the indomitable Emily earlier in the week, September 16th is the most common birthday. It’s relatively easy to figure out why with the judicious application of simple math, the most wondrous of mind-altering drugs.

Average gestation in humans is 38 weeks from conception. That’s 266 days. And what’s 266 days before September 16th? Christmas Eve. Have you ever considered that every single time you celebrate your birthday, in a round-about way you’re just celebrating a specific instance of your parents having sex? In case that wasn’t enough to put disturbing images in your mind, then I assure you that I am confident that every single one of you readers was a toe curler.

You’re welcome.

So we’ve decided to put together an official Pajiba Guide to Your Conception, in which we rigorously calculate the most likely holiday occasion that led to your eventual mewling birth.

Since the standard deviation is right at a week for length of human gestation, with 75% of births happening in that 38 plus or minus one week region, a two week interval is an effective binning of the continuous function. So go ahead and find the day closest to your birthday below, and Pajiba will explain the holiday you were most likely to have been conceived on and detail the circumstances of your conception.

Now remember, to make the exercise truly scientific, you’ll need to ask your parents if they remember the day in question. And when the mention of Halloween 1978 brings a flush to your mother’s face, you’ll know. When your father gets a distant and hungry look in his eyes when you mention Mother’s Day 1983, you’ll know. For science!

In bold is your birthday, in italics is the holiday you were most likely conceived on.

January 1 (Tax Day):
You were the result of celebratory sex after realizing a refund was forthcoming.

January 15 (Earth Day):
You born in the woods without antibiotics, epidurals, or clean water.

February 1 (Mother’s Day):
The irony is that you are the first born.

February 15 (Towel Day (Douglas Adams)):
When your father left, he also said “so long, and thanks for all the fish”

March 1 (National Donut Day):
Yes, your father was wearing exactly one. Use your imagination.

March 15 (Father’s Day):
The irony is that you aren’t the first born.

April 1 (Independence Day):
Would it make you feel better to know that your dad got lucky with Bill Pullman’s speech? Too bad.

April 15 (Bastille Day):
Cake’s not the only thing that got eaten.

May 1 (International Beer Day):
Let’s be honest, you have no idea who your father is.

May 15 (World Mosquito Day):
So many jokes about sucking, so little space.

June 1 (Labor Day):
That’s one way for the workers of the world to unite.

June 15 (Talk Like a Pirate Day):
Heh. Booty.

July 1 (Columbus Day):
Getting orphaned by syphilis was a hell of a start to your life.

July 15 (Halloween):
Two words: blood orgy.

August 1 (Veteran’s Day):
Your mom sure knew how to support the troops.

August 15 (Thanksgiving):
Cable went out which left exactly one thing to do without football.

September 1 (Feast of the Immaculate Conception):
Mary really ruined that excuse for everyone didn’t she?

September 15 (Christmas):
Your real father is Santa, you bastard.

October 1 (New Year’s Day):
One. Night. Stand.

October 15 (Martin Luther King Day):
I don’t think that was the sort of dream to which he was referring.

November 1 (Valentine’s Day):
There’s no easy way to tell you that you’re the result of a pity fuck.

November 15 (President’s Day):
Explains the sticky Abe Lincoln hat and white wigs you found in that drawer in your parents’ bedroom doesn’t it?

December 1 (International Woman’s Day):
Your mother took what was hers with blood and fire.

December 15 (Tolkien Reading Day):
Was it your mom or your dad who wore the elf ears? Both?