Earlier this week, thanks to Tiffany Haddish and her interview with GQ, we spent the last couple of days asking and wondering #WhoBitBeyonce. And despite the list of suspects (Lena Dunham, Jennifer Lawrence, Sanaa Lathan, the other two members of Destiny’s Child who got fired and whose names you don’t know or remember unless you’re a hardcore Destiny’s Child fan or just a hardcore pop-culture nerd like most of the people who visit and write for this very website), that mystery was never solved. And thanks to the recent non-disclosure agreement that Tiffany had to sign (a semi-polite and fully legal way to tell someone to shut their ass up and quit putting your business out there in the street), it looks like it never will be.
But we now have another mystery/delicious piece of gossip worth discussing on the Internet, courtesy of comedian/writer Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani). And what it lacks in famous names and familiar faces, it more than makes up for that in drama and pettiness.
So much drama and pettiness.
Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018
The rest of this Twitter thread has been transcribed below.
Case facts: Lunch was in fridge for less than an hour before it vanished. No shrimp smell remnants in the microwave or kitchen area. This was a professional hit, no doubt.
HOLY SHIT. He’s back. He watched the tape. He knows who did it.
So the man [whose] lunch was stolen sits across from me. The person who stole his lunch sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME! She left for the day before the investigation started. According to the video, this psychopath DIDN’T EVEN EAT THE FOOD. She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash. Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this [woman is] fully capable of.
Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a [30-minute] window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food.
Update: OK, so when dude watched the video with HR, they asked: “What do you want to do about it?” He told them he was solely interested in who did it, and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired. After charges were dropped, HR sent a company-wide email about not stealing people’s lunches. She is scheduled to arrive at work in 20 minutes. My blood is on cocaine.
She has walked into the room.
And the room is dead silent.
Dead fucking silent, yet there is a palpable explosive energy pulsing through everyone but her.
From the moment she walked in, I’ve just been staring at her. Watched her open her email and now she clicked on the goddamn HR email! Holy fuck, strap in - here we go!
I can’t move. I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now.
!!!! After seeing the HR email, she says out loud: “woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” !!!
I may have to run out of this room.
After she said that, shrimp guy responds “well yea, it’s not ok to throw someone’s food away.” We’re all about to start screaming.
This shit’s about to get crazier. After he says that she goes: “Oh, it was your lunch?”
She continues, “Well, why would you go to HR about that?!” She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch!!!!!!!!! Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said. She looks frighteningly calm.
I’ll keep updating if anything else occurs, but all I can say is that EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did. She now carries an invisible scarlet letter.
This is real. This is happening. We know who did it, but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time.
Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand-delivering them.
She took the fried rice from me with a big smile on her face. She’s eating it and loving it. This is utter ruthlessness.
“I LOVE shrimp fried rice” - the thief
I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but it appears that we may never know why she did it. Maybe she doesn’t know she did it. Either way, I’m now forced to work 40 hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual.
This was me as soon as I read that line at the end from Food Thief about how much she loves shrimp fried rice:
In the words of a Black man who has just been caught lying: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!!!!!
So much ruthlessness.
So much drama.
And the pettiness?
All I could do after reading that was stand up and applaud.
That part where Food Thief actually had the gall to read that email sent by HR and say out loud, “Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” It reminded me of this part from Chris Rock’s “Black People vs. Niggas” routine from Bring the Pain:
I could easily picture Food Thief at the end of that thread, just eating forkfuls of shrimp fried rice at her desk with not a single solitary fuck to give like so:
As well as Zak Toscani and his colleagues sitting at their desks and standing around the office watching all of this go down like:
This particular thread gave many people on Twitter something to talk about, and it didn’t take long for theories to start flying around as to why this happened. One of those theories was shared by @AsiaChloeBrown, and the more I think about it, the more that her theory makes a whole lot of sense.
There is a key detail in this story that I need you to remember: the man put his food in there about an hour before it vanished.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
Despite the fridge most likely being full of lunches, the woman who committed the offense only threw away one, presumably unlabeled lunch. And buried it. She wasn’t cleaning the fridge.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
She threw away the lunch fairly quickly after it was placed in the fridge. That means our offender is intimate with the victim’s lunch AND his schedule.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
The victim demanded to SEE FOOTAGE. This is a fairly aggressive demand to make of your company. Our victim was pissed. He needed a name.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
But wait, after the victim discovered who it was? All of a sudden, he doesn’t want anybody to get fired.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
She comes in, sees the email… calm. He doesn’t jump at her, but he hints at what she did. He is mostly quiet. She is still calm. She denies her involvement even AFTER he mentioned her exact offense!— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
THIS IS AN UNDERCOVER COUPLE.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
THEY ARE FUCKING.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
She knew that fried rice was his because his bitch ass probably ordered it last night in front of her.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
Why did he have enough shrimp fried rice leftover for lunch though? Our victim fell asleep before he could eat it, left his phone open and she discovered he was cheating.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
They both know EXACTLY what is going on! Our offender is calm as fuck because she is going to blow up the spot if he mentions that fucking fried rice again! He at his desk QUIET.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
STOP CHEATING AND MAYBE YOUR LUNCH WON’T GET THROWN AWAY. //Fin.— Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) March 30, 2018
I could totally believe that the two of them either were sleeping together or are sleeping together, and because of some unknown reasons that caused things to go completely pear-shaped between them (or maybe he recently said or did something to piss her off and get under her skin), she decided to lash out at him the only way she could. And it clearly worked.
There is clearly a lesson to be learned from all of this. I have no idea what that lesson is, but if and when you ever choose to bring your lunch to work, here’s hoping you have better luck (and better relations with the people you work with) than the man who just lost out on his shrimp fried rice.