Ranking the Online Dating Apps, Including My Own
Oh friends, believe it or not, online dating is why you’re subjected to me at Pajiba, but we’ll get to that in a moment.
So, yes, I am single. Whether that’s a choice…
… or not is open to debate, but I am well versed in online dating apps. I’ve dated, rejected, and yes, gotten kicked off by a few of them, so in the spirit of true friendship, I thought I’d review them for you now to let you make an informed decision whether to venture once more into the breach, or stay on your couch watching Netflix (both are viable options.) So, without further ado, here is the Kate Hudson approved break down to dating apps.
Ah yes, Tinder. Look, I did very well on Tinder from the ages of 29-31 (years 2014 - 2016) and whether it was my age, or the age of the app, since then, it’s been a depressing minefield. The older I get, the harder it is to match, and friends, I’m aging pretty gracefully if I do say so myself, so it seems like a “them” problem not a “me” problem. What once started as a hookup app is *still* a hookup app seemingly for the dudes I match with, but I treat Tinder as the WalMart of dating. It’s a place where I can go to get my needs generally met (attention, validation that I’m not in “pay the troll toll territory yet”) but I won’t walk away being wow-ed by anything.
My power move used to be swiping right on every dude, then invite the first one who messaged me out for a drink that night in the hopes of just not being alone for the evening (you know, to talk, duh. Get your mind out of the gutter!) It worked well at 30. It does not work well anymore. I recommend Tinder if you’re looking for attention and maybe not looking to meet anyone in person, unless you’re under the age of 31. Then by all means, the world is your oyster, go for it!
Plenty of Fish
When I first entered the world of online dating at 26, this was my go-to app (I lived in England at the time and it was 2011, for reference.) I had two significant, long term relationships from this site, but now it seems like it’s more for people fresh out of prison. Don’t ask me why I think that. Also, those aforementioned relationships ended kind of badly (they both know what they did), so, maybe avoid this one. Dudes from here, despite my experiences, don’t seem to want relationships either (maybe I’m sensing a trend!?)
Here’s the problem with Bumble. I’m fairly certain when they’re entering into a target city market they somehow stack their eligible single people with unattainable, very attractive people who have been requested to join the app to make it seem like regular people have a chance. They do not. I’m sorry to tell you this.
There’s a sweet spot with Bumble where you can go and actually meet a good person, but once the app is established in a city, it’s just another Tinder, where you swipe a lot, and never seem to be able to connect with anyone. (Side note: Tinder and Bumble, in my experience, are notorious for people swiping “match” on everyone and then when you do match, the person decides to unmatch you, because they want control of the situation. Maybe it’s an LA thing, maybe it’s not, but it sucks. Don’t try to match with someone unless you’re mildly interested, people!)
I think Bumble is a good app if you’re under 32 and/or not in LA (also side note: whatever people have told you about dating in LA, none of it is an exaggeration. In fact, if you assume they’re downplaying the fu*kery, you are probably more in the ballpark than if you take them at face value.)
Try Bumble if you’re younger, or have patience. I get sick of it easily.
Hinge seems accessible, but honestly, I’ve never been really excited (and as a result, met in person) any dude I matched with on Hinge. It seems to be a relationship app, but I have yet to get wow-ed by any dude I’ve met on it.
Coffee Meets Bagel
I’ve had better luck here, in fact, I’ve gotten a relationship out of it, but he dumped me suddenly because he was 38 and uncomfortably into spending all his free time with his family, and thus dumped me (when I drove to the West Side to have dinner with him, and friends… I live on the East Side. You don’t go to the West Side unless there’s a connection because it takes an hour both ways, and also, please dump via text or the phone in these instances, or come to them, because I could have saved myself 2 hours in the damn car) by telling me he was moving closer to his family in North San Diego (so, the OC, but trying to not say OC, because why would you trade LA for the OC?!)
There are good looking dudes here, but I get discouraged, so I give up before we can translate it into a real date. This basically sums up online dating for me, to a T.
So, I’ve had some luck on OkCupid when I was younger, and I’m not sure it really works now (they’ve definitely tried to “Tinder-ize” the experience in the last few years) but I bring it up, because I used to enjoy sending silly responses to the messages I would get from dudes who didn’t try hard in their opening lines, and as a result I got kicked off the site for soliciting drug mules, which led me to this…
Yes friends, I have my own online dating site, which I’ve written about before (and as a result, was primarily the reason Dustin let me join Pajiba, because when the chick who runs her own dating site applies to be an Overlord, you kind of let her in because you’re slightly scared of what happens to you if you don’t. [Publisher’s note: True fact])
It was the brainchild of mine after I got kicked off OkCupid (which was a total bogus ban) and I was really bored at my job at the time and it occurred to me that my name rhymed with “date.” Thus, my own dating site was born.
Do I recommend you do the same? I mean, sure. It’s worked out OK for me. I’m not on my second husband, or anything, already; but it’s a nice little thing to throw out there when I feel like I’m not out there living my life to the fullest. But also, I still get worried after a few glasses of wine and swipe furiously through Bumble, so who am I to tell you to do anything?! Having your own dating site is by no means a foolproof way to get dates, and most people who reply via the site most likely have a criminal record, so…your mileage may vary here.
That’s just a smattering of the dating s*it I’ve tried. I’ve also gone to speed dating nights, other weird singles mixers, and have even offered all the kids of my friends $3000 if they introduce me to my future husband and I get married within 2 years of said introduction. The point is—while being single is hard, it’s also kind of fun because no one gets mad at you when you pay $25 to a guy on Fiverr to make up a song about why you’re single that involves loving your cats too much and watching SVU reruns a lot on Hulu (#truestuff, let me know if you want my guy’s info, in the comments.) So, what’s the point of all this?
I dunno. I guess the offer of $3,000 stands if you get your cute single dude friend to ask me out, and/or want to share your own dating app experiences in the comments.
Header Image Source: Kate Hudson (Author and Lonely Heart)
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