This is how it began, with a guy posting on his Neighborhood Facebook page, requesting that his neighbors sweep their sidewalks because the acorns were interfering with his training as a, uh, barefoot runner.
This post in my neighborhood FB group is getting absolutely destroyed pic.twitter.com/8i0wAGP0qO— Alex (@alex_cono) October 9, 2018
It went about as well as you’d expect. He got destroyed.
As it turns out, this was not the guy’s first bit of notoriety in that neighborhood. He’s also a … competitive unicycler.
Late last night, The Overlords were loving this.
Kristy: ONLY SERIOUS UNICYCLERS NEED APPLY!
Portland called, they want their barefoot unicyclist activist back.— Jill Holter (@jill_holter8) October 10, 2018
Tori: I’m sorry but there is nothing serious about unicycling if it required that you ride around while tightly gripping your crotch
Professor Wilson: OMG competitive barefoot runner has ESCALATED THE SITUATION
Tori: I mean, I hope the city investigates… and sides with the neighbors who are having a blast with this.
TK: That motherfucker is lucky they don’t put out caltrops.
Professor Wilson: Especially in Minnesota. I mean, that’s where all the Vikings went to settle because Norway was too tropical and soft for their tastes.
Tori: Who would have expected a competitive barefoot runner to be so sensitive to jokes. His feelings must be… tender.
TK: I don’t know why he’s just expecting his neighbors to toe the line
Tori: Yeah, like what gentle fresh astroturf has he been barefoot running on all this time? Barefoot running is for people who think normal running isn’t quite uncomfortable enough.
Genevieve: And evo-psych weirdos who think that if the cavemen did it, it must be better for us.
If they actually lived in caves I’d have more respect for them.
Professor Wilson: “It’s not enough that my legs, chest, lungs, and heart hurt, I really want the soles of my feet to hurt too.”
Tori: I never thought I’d say this, but… dude, just buy yourself some toe shoes.
Genevieve: But that’s not AUTHENTIC, Tori! He’s probably one of those weirdos that does the toe running thing too.
Tori: Honestly if they all ran in animal pelt loincloths I’d at least be a spectator. Like, once. For the memories.
Professor Wilson: “I do this competitively” is such a douche signifier. Like, you can’t say you do it professionally, because, well, you don’t. But you’re not content to just say you do something, because it’s important for people to know just how super super serious you are. Because you wouldn’t want someone to think you weren’t better than them at a hobby or think that you actually have fun doing it or that you don’t spend way more money than they do at said activity.
“I’m a competitive Magic the Gathering player”: You’re an asshole who spends a lot of money playing a card game with orcs.
“I’m a competitive poker player”: You’re an asshole who loses a lot of money playing a card game without orcs.
“I’m a competitive video game player”: You’re an asshole who spends a lot of money mashing buttons.
“I’m a competitive power walker”: You’re an asshole who spends a lot of money on athleticwear you wiggle walk in.
Is there a single activity an adult can say “I do that competitively” about that doesn’t just mean they’re an asshole who spends money on it?
Header Image Source: Getty