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Godd*mn It, We Have To Talk About People Eating Tide Pods

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | February 7, 2018 |

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | February 7, 2018 |


Let’s talk about this bout of Darwinism in action, shall we? Idiots are challenging each other to the Tide Pod Challenge. This is where one dumbass talks another dumbass into biting down on a brightly-colored laundry detergent pod before spitting out or swallowing the contents.

It sounds far too stupid to be true, but it is true. According to Forbes, the first half of January 2018 saw 39 cases of teenagers purposely exposing themselves to laundry detergent in a way that would poison them. There were only 53 cases like that over the entirety of 2017 and fewer than 39 cases in 2016.

Obviously sane people know that it’s stupid to eat a laundry detergent pod and that they shouldn’t do it. Parents should probably look at the life decisions their child made to get to a place where they would willingly subject themselves to ingestion of a poisonous subject. Maybe even have a Come to Jesus Talk with those same kids about trying not to be such massive fuckups in the future.

I fully blame the teenagers eating the detergent pods for the illness that befalls them. Maybe the parents too, but only if the kids learned it by watching them.

Do you know who I don’t blame? The people who manufacture the detergent pods. But then again, I’m not New York state legislators, so what do I know?

That’s correct, kids. New York would like “all laundry detergent pods to be uniform in color. We don’t need them to look like Gummy Bears in order for consumers to use them.” Bitch, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING GUMMI BEAR TO YOU??




Crazily enough, there have only been 10 deaths from Tide Pods and none of those were attention-seeking teenagers trying to seem cool. They were 8 adults suffering from dementia and two toddlers. Obviously this is tragic, but kids and people suffering from dementia are not going to be swayed by a change in packaging. I mean, my kid once tried to eat gum covered in gross dirt and worm marks, because that’s what kids do. And dementia, man. We know sometimes it doesn’t matter how something looks, because it just doesn’t look the same to some people with dementia.

So here we have the demographic most frequently making headlines for eating detergent pods spurring legislation and they aren’t even the individuals most likely to die from ingesting them. And the legislation doesn’t even factor in that the way the pods look have absolutely nothing to do with the Challenge at this point. It may have started with memes comparing the pods to food or candy, but we’re far past that at this point.

The Tide Pod Challenge problem is not one that needs legislation to fix. Quite honestly, it will sort itself out through natural selection or people will stop doing it because some dipshit starts the Taco Bell Meximelt Wrapper Challenge and gets fools to eat paper.

Do you know what actually does kill people and needs legislation?


Yeah. So miss me with your idiotic demands on Procter & Gamble when you don’t give a squirt of piss about the same toddlers and teenagers once they hit school and become fodder for gun violence in this country.

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Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.