You’ll notice I’ve categorized this post as “Web Culture,” but that’s only because Dustin hasn’t yet created a “What The Actual Fuck?” category.
Because, seriously, what the actual fuck?
Yeah, people, that’s right. If you act now, you can help support Jason O’Mara and his dream of producing the world’s first face strap-on for cats. But, and this is the important thing, you have to act fast because his Kickstarter campaign has nearly reached its goal. Which means almost 1,200 paying customers answered “Yes” when that video asked “Have you ever wanted to lick your cat?”
I usually take the “If it doesn’t hurt anyone, I don’t care what you do” stance on most things, but, Jesus Christ, the tagline is “LICKI Brush, Lick Your Cat.” Fucking why? “Cats groom each other as a form of social bonding. As a human you’re left out of this intimate ritual.” Yeah, my dude, as you should be. There are going to be a lot of ways in which cats bond that you should not be any part of. Because you are a human man. And since I’ve had to watch this video several disturbing times now, I love that the cats are happily grooming each other while the voice-over talks about it being a bonding experience. And literally the second she says “As a human” that cat immediately stops licking. He’s clearly no longer interested. It’s as if he reaffirmed to us, “The fuck? Did she just say ‘human’?”
And this is maybe a minor point compared to the ridiculousness of this product, but everyone knows the cats aren’t tricked into thinking their owner is now a giant cat, right? Like the cat can’t tell the difference between you brushing it with a regular brush, or you holding that brush in your mouth and clumsily pawing at your pet as though she’s your Junior High dance date? Because it would actually be terrifying for a cat to believe that it was being licked by a huge cat which can easily transform back into that blob that sometimes feeds it? This is entirely because cat owners want to bond with their cats, and cats, exhibiting one of their few good traits, actually don’t give any fucks about you?
I’m just saying in the ongoing war between cat-people and dog-people, this is a decisive victory for those people who have never had to worry about getting hairballs because of pet interaction.