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Help, My 6-Year-Old's Instagram Likes are in the Toilet: A Terrible Mother's Journey

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | November 19, 2018 |

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | November 19, 2018 |


Meet lifestyle blogger Katie Bower. Like most moms, she’s just trying to monetize the shit out of the five kids she farted out by figuring out why the hell one of them is absolutely beefing it when it comes to interactions. You know, for his self esteem, not to goose clicks to her sponsored posts or anything. Haha, what? Who does that?

Katie Bower. Katie Bower does that. Via Instagram:

Thankful for Weston today. My Weston was just the best baby….cuddly and easy…a hard toddler…always on the move and slow to talk which led to lots of crying….and one of the most helpful and sweet hearted little boys. He is quiet except when he’s not….overflowing with unique personality. He hates the car and is a complete homebody. He loves art and sports and is quick with a joke. He loves organizing and quality time and says one day he is gonna be a daddy to one hundred babies 😂 And when he hugs and kisses you, you believe it. ❤️❤️❤️.

Sounds innocent enough, right?

Strap in.

Guys I am gonna be perfectly honest…Instagram never liked my Munchkin and it killed me inside. His photos never got as many likes. Never got comments. From a statistical point of view, he wasn’t as popular with everyone out there. Maybe part of that was the pictures just never hit the algorithm right. Part might be because he was “the baby” for a very short amount of time before LJ came along…and then Max and then Ella. And people like babies. I say all that because I want to believe that it wasn’t him…that it was on me. My insufficiency caused this statistical deficit because obviously my Munch should get ALL the love and squinty eyes are totally adorable. ☺️ so can we do this right? Because I truly KNOW that my Munch deserves alllllll the likes…whether or not a stranger gives it to them. And on his sixth birthday - I am thankful that I know that…that no matter what other people think of me or my kids or my marriage or my house or my life or my everything…that they are 1000000000x better in real life than any tiny little picture could hold.

Why… why would you ever think those thoughts? What kind of dystopian hellscape do we live in where mothers are sitting around worrying about their six-year-old’s social media reach? Yesterday, I read a Washington Post article about how Facebook is melting a hole in reality that probably isn’t growing back, and yet somehow “Jesus, what’s up with Timmy’s metrics?” takes the f**king cake.

Fortunately, Katie doesn’t make things worse by revealing that she plans to destroy her son’s psyche by breaking down his Instagram Likes at a later date, so you assholes better start clicking.

Except, oh wait, she does do that. Should I be calling the cops?

p.s. I wanted to clarify that I revealed this feeling because I know one day he will see the numbers and have to learn that his value is not in online approval. This is a hard lesson for anyone to learn and I’m thankful I have learned it. I hope you all can be understanding and not take things out of context or believe that this in any way affects how I see or treat my children. All comments and well wishes I read to the birthday boy!

As of this writing, Katie’s Instagram post has over 1,000 comments, and unsurprisingly, most of them are some variation of “What sort of Black Mirror bullshit did I just read? Please get yourself and everyone who fell out of you psychiatric help.” Which is generally what happens when you announce that your child isn’t a reliable fount of social media engagement and that disappointment keeps you up at night. But mommy still loves him!

That said, I’m a parent, and I totally get the dopamine high from sharing pics of your kids on Facebook or whatever. For some reason, people liking the shit out of your kids is a weird pick-me-up when you’re in the trenches. But I also get the Privacy Settings, which I use because the internet is gross, and because I don’t believe in using my wife’s uterus as a digital gold mine. Call me old-fashioned.

In closing, you’re probably wondering if Katie is the type of affluent white lady who would write (and then delete) a tone-deaf blog post about the hardships of purchasing a “crack house” then turning it into a curated nightmare of child analytics, and yup. Yup, she is.

Via Gomiblog:

Saying “nothing is a done deal right now”, Katie proceeded to post the address and interior photos of the property - despite the fact that the “crack house” is still occupied.

Featuring such fun captions as “this used to be a drug dealers bathroom”, the remainder of the post is mostly photos of the interiors. Katie concludes her post by asking readers to “please pray for us” while they “bring on this crazy crack house journey”.

Wow, a lifestyle blogger from Georgia who posts painstakingly edited pics to Instagram is probably racist, too? What are the odds? (Good. The odds are good. Perfect even.)

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Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

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