How One Man Turned An Onslaught Of Unsolicited Dick Pics Into Comedy Gold

By Kristy Puchko | Social Media | November 4, 2015 |

By Kristy Puchko | Social Media | November 4, 2015 |

Imagine you’re at home after a long day, cozied up on the couch watching some Seinfeld reruns and cuddling with a loved one. And then your phone chirps to reveal a random dick pic from an unknown sender. ‘Weird,’ you might think, not knowing this will be the first of many that will come your way that night, along with a slew of confused texts from DTF dudes.

This was the bizarre experience of Uproxx Senior Entertainment Writer Mike Ryan. But rather than suffer silently, Ryan live-tweeted the onslaught of dongs, transforming his night time annoyance into a raunchy, sometimes sweet, and often hysterical series of exchanges we all can enjoy.

NSFW Warning: clicking linked photos will result in seeing cropped dick pics.

Oh my god. I'm not making this up. Some dude just misdialed (?) texted me a dick pic. He's holding his penis next to a beer can.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Oh no! It's not a beer can! It's a stick of Axe deodorant!

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

@mikeryan pic.twitter.com/LUqIuWC7xR

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 4, 2015

Does anyone have an app to blur stuff out you'd recommend?

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Here's the random photo I just got texted to me. I used some online paint to paint over his penis. pic.twitter.com/fkH5q1RyR9

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I'm texting with him. He's telling me that Carilyn told him to send them to this number.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Okay, so, another person just sent me a dick pick. Someone named Carilyn is giving out my number requesting pictures of penises.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Oh, good, there's a third person now. pic.twitter.com/6H5Bf3e1YO

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Here's my conversation with dick pic #1. We are friends now. pic.twitter.com/kVBboRK7JZ

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I have a fourth suitor now.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I responded to the third guy, the sexting guy. pic.twitter.com/WhmsSNiXVR

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

The sexting guy is accusing me of catfishing him. pic.twitter.com/vrfw1yN1Iq

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I let the second dick pic guy know he's been tricked. He was about to send a video. pic.twitter.com/RH0EsFDXEq

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

The second dick pic guy is now apologizing. I'm lecturing him about sending pictures of his penis to strange phone numbers.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Second dick pic guy seems relived I had seen that episode of Seinfeld before. Deep down, we are all human. pic.twitter.com/3qusWOK25a

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Okay, I know I've said this before, but this all appears to be over. Carilyn seems to be done with Tinder for the evening.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Nope, not over, a shirtless man just sent me a picture of himself.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

He looks like Chris O'Dowd.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Here's mystery man number four. pic.twitter.com/JpAKhu8rO5

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I'm cool with suitor man number four now. He seems nice. pic.twitter.com/1U5SgJRolz

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I learned from man stranger #4 that he's been talking to Carilyn for a week. He's now blocked. pic.twitter.com/sWEyQ7o9vS

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

So, dick pic guy #1 sent a picture of a woman. I sent that to #4 asking if that's Carilyn. Said "no." We're cool now pic.twitter.com/ZWFERj1Ll8

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Here's my fifth suitor of the evening. pic.twitter.com/ZzNnvWUK9m

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I have a sixth guy now. pic.twitter.com/AvdTyELBbs

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Guy #6 is mad I sent him a nude picture of The Thing and that I'm wasting his time. pic.twitter.com/9tcd7RuLq9

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Guy #5 on the beach wanted to see a picture of me. I sent him one. pic.twitter.com/bu6GAZYyXw

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

After sending guy #5 the picture of me and Boss Hogg, he still wanted to see more. pic.twitter.com/A9A0Am5WWo

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Guy #6 doesn't know much about Carilyn. Even got her name wrong. We're friends now though. pic.twitter.com/qrGHVsGdET

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

My fifth guy (beach guy) is doubting those are pictures of me. I asked why he texted me and he got mad. pic.twitter.com/A9erhCkyzF

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I have a new seventh person. I'm now legitimately worried what my phone will look like when I wake up tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/skLwWivYRL

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

It's been 45 minutes since a stranger has texted me. Maybe this is over? Finally?

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Without conspiring, @EricDSnider texted me a picture of Dick York and @misterpatches texted me Dick Sargent. pic.twitter.com/999CRoYXJI

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Better Dick?

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Devin is taking a different approach than the others. pic.twitter.com/t4sEYI5NRF

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I don't think #5 beach guy is getting it. pic.twitter.com/zMACrEF1xL

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

I have a 9th suitor. I have big news: he sent me a screenshot of Carilyn's profile.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

He says he can trace login details. Here's a picture of Carilyn's profile: pic.twitter.com/M8z1Gt98tu

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

The guy in Long Beach asked me to send him "something sexy." pic.twitter.com/O28RkdpuhT

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Someone named Benny wants to come over. He has a PS4 and Mad Dog. pic.twitter.com/z7ap4KARNy

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

The guy who I sent the Star Wars picture to responded with a picture of himself masturbating. (I added paint.) pic.twitter.com/XJGCV8a5c3

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Benny with the PS4 and Mad Dog turned out to be @davelozo playing a prank. I wish these were all Dave Lozo.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

This guy sent an audio message. I refuse to listen to it. pic.twitter.com/JAbqy9wjzO

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

This guy threw one last Hail Mary before giving up. pic.twitter.com/x66F5ZrXkd

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

The guy who sent me that last penis picture apologized. We are friends now. pic.twitter.com/yAe73GJVCf

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

Thanks to everyone for putting up with all this. Your tweets kept me strong.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) November 4, 2015

After a pretty crazy day on Twitter, it’s Ryan’s friend/colleague Matt Singer who sums it up best:

I'm glad Twitter changes from stars to hearts, so it's clear exactly how I feel about the men sending images of their genitals to @mikeryan.

— Matt Singer (@mattsinger) November 4, 2015

Kristy Puchko tried to find a SFW “dick pic” for the header. Here’s how that went.