Hobby Lobby, in anticipation of Disney’s upcoming reboot of Ducktales, I guess, has just agreed to pay $3 million to settle charges brought by the Department of Justice that accuses the
bigots craft store of dealing in smuggled Iraqi artifacts. And I can’t even.
Because seriously, what? If you told me that the sentences:
The packages that made their way from Israel and the United Arab Emirates to retail outlets owned by Hobby Lobby, the seller of arts and craft supplies were clearly marked as tile samples.
But according to a civil complaint filed filed on Wednesday by prosecutors in Brooklyn, they held something far rarer and more valuable: ancient clay cuneiform tablets that had been smuggled into the United States from Iraq
Were this not found in a major U.S. publication, I’d assume it was from The Onion, and not the New York Goddamn Times.
I mean, really imagine this for a second. If this were the opening scenes of a movie, you’d see the artifact being dug out of the sand in Iraq (because nothing in Iraq isn’t sand, amirite?), cleaned off with one of those little brushes, and then admired by some leathered, old man. Only instead of being taken to a museum (where it belongs!), it’s shipped to a craft store in Okla-fucking-homa. Where it is opened by the shipping clerk? Or the warehouse supervisor? The floor manager? I’m trying really hard to imagine who it is at the Oklahoma Hobby Lobby responsible for opening this package, marked as “Tile Samples,” and thinking, “Well, these tiles got all fucked up.” I’m picturing it as glorious.
Of course, in Hobby Lobby’s defense, these weren’t any common acts of pillaging and smuggling. It’s not like they did this only for financial gain. No, sir. The good folks over at Hobby Lobby stole items of significant cultural and historical meaning from the Iraqis because of the Bible, damnit. They love the Bible so much that they wanted to collect as many things related to the Bible as they could. And when you love the Bible as much as Hobby Lobby does, you get to treat people however the fuck you want because you super-duper believe in the things that you are doing. They’ll admit that they screwed up this time though, because they forgot that Iraq is a country filled with some men along with women, and in the U.S. we’ll only enshrine into law a business’ ability to treat their female employees like garbage. Their bad.
Unfortunately not all of the smuggled items have been recovered. So if you’re out picking up some yarn this weekend and stumble across this bad boy in the Storage aisle, refrain from looking directly at it and please notify the store manager immediately.