‘Broooooo! Check out that chick with the pint! That’s so hot, man. I love a chick with a pint. Oh, man, bro, I’ve got an idea. Bro. It’s gonna be epic. Like. Dude, is Taylor here!? Taylor! Come over here, man. Check out that chick. The one with the pint! Yeah, I know. Bro, I know! She’s mine, back off. Watch this. I’m gonna pull the old Hunter Slam. I’m gonna take this—*hic*—pint, and I’m gonna slam it down in—*hic*—one go, dude, and boom. She’s mine. Never fails, man. Chicks love that shit. Never fails. No one slams a pint like Hunter! No one! No, wait! Wait. Bro, even better! I’m gonna challenge her to a pint slam! Haha, can you imagine, look at her! Bro, this is like the best idea I ever had in my freaking life, man! Right! Right, just, like, watch this, watch and learn how a master does it, alright?’
‘Is that a vent? Hahahaha, I spit in the face of vents! Where most mortals cross over the surface of a vent and they know only fear—anxiety that their precious mobile phones might slip into oblivion—I feel but one thing for the slatted bastards: Contempt. They think they’re so big! Ha! It’s about time someone brought them down to size. Chad, film this. This is for the record. This vent’s about to get taught a lesson. I’m about to do a really necessary thing.’
‘7 years of gymnastics. 3 years of tricking experience. A working and practical understanding of classical mechanics and how they relate to the human form.
Are just some of the things that only nerds care about!
Here we go, LEEEEEEROOOOOOOYYYYYY JJJJJENNNKINSSSSSSS!’
‘Okay, guys, I’ve got it! Here’s how I’m thinking we spice up today. Now I know my other plans haven’t exactly worked out perfectly, so you might want to be dismissive. And for good reason! Like, I get it. Donkey and tuba didn’t go very well. Angry rooster and hurdy-gurdy neither. And I think we can all agree it’d be best to just never mention hippo and bagpipes again! But this time I’ve got it. Trust me, this is the one!’
‘Oh, look, tis the local constabulary! I wonder what prole ruffian they must be on their way to roughing up now? Perhaps one of those ethnics is getting restless! Ghastly people, I must say. They require a strong hand to keep them in lin—…
Oh! Oh I say, that’s my chariot they’re putting their filthy claws on! Well this will simply not stand! Contemptible vermin. Beneath me. I shan’t put up with this. I will simply get in, and take off. Let the poors deal the law. It is mine to flout as I see fit.
Right then, tally-ho! ‘
‘You’re under arrest.’
‘I’m under what?!’
‘oh boi! oh boi, oh boi, ohboiohboiohboi!—waaaaaterrrrrrrrrr! cool, wet, water water water, tippy tappy tap tap tap tap tap! smell, smell, no smell, try smell, maybe smell further down?! why is steve only standing here, there’s MORE OVER THERE, let’s go LET’S GO, furth—ARGH! fall! TOO MUCH WATER! BACK BACK BACK!!! STEEEEEEVE! GAAAHHHHH, HELP, I STUC—oh i’m out hahahaha, waterrrrrr! tippy tappy tap tappy tap!’
Nah, you know what? No snarky thoughts here. This is just… Well, tough break, my dude. Time must’ve slowed to an absolute crawl when that golden crown began to disassemble itself in front of you.
Header Image Source: HBO