I really thought that the bread-sliced bagels in last night’s Pajiba Love would elicit more outrage from our commentariat, and I was a little disappointed that there were no DDoS attack attempts upon the site for inflicting that upon our readers. But then I realized that bagels are really more of a regional thing. In fact, I had never had a bagel in my life — or even given much thought to them — until I moved to New England. I looked around online for bagel shops back in Arkansas, and really, the only thing I could come up with was one in the Little Rock airport, which serves blueberry and cinnamon crunch bagels, which in and of itself is a sin almost as offensive as bread-sliced bagels. It sounds like bagels are a New England/big city thing, and that many of our fine, fine readers have never had a decent bagel in their lives.
In any respect, it’s fine! It’s fine! We wanted to trigger negative emotional outrage from our readers, because we not so secretly want to torture you for inflicting terrible puns upon us (I saw what you did this morning, SludgeVohaul), and we failed.
That’s OK. We will try again. And if this fails, don’t make us resort to Human Centipede gifs again, which was our nuclear option back in 2009. Here, I give you 50 seconds of a morning local newscast out of Toledo. I say 50 seconds with the full knowledge that you’ll never manage to watch the full 50 seconds of the video because to do so would necessitate years and years of therapy. It’s the sort of trauma that most of you will not be able to handle. It’s like Heriditary on amphetamines.
You think I’m overhyping it, don’t you? Test me.
I will now live in abject terror that this is how I sound to my 11-year old.— The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) March 28, 2019
Consider me significantly shook.
See? What’d I tell you?
Our work is done here. You’re welcome.