I’m finding so much joy in Gwyneth Paltrow’s hilarious impersonation of a country-and-western singer for her upcoming heartland heartwarmer, Country Strong. Clearly, after disparaging American several years ago for being overpatriotic, not as civilized or intelligent as Britain, and full of the guns (which the gays can now shoot in the military, Challah!), Gwyneth thought the best way to get back into the good graces of the commonfolk was to soccer-mom slink her way around a country-song turned movie. She probably visited a trailer park, which she mistook for a third-world country, and said, “It smells like whiskey and sexual harassment. It’s so authentic. I’m gonna make a movie about it. I’m gonna title it after this gentleman’s nickname for his penis.” And then my Me-Maw was like, “Missy, can’t you see Judge Judy is on? Get your skinny white ass out out of the way of the TV.” And then she spit into her snuff cup, because my Me Maw is a classy lady.
The latest clip from Country Strong features Gwyneth performing “Shake that Thing,” and by performing, I mean: Rubbing herself up and down like a Praying Mantis in love with itself and gyrating like someone keeps telling her to put the lotion on its skin. The best part comes at 3:25 when Gwyneth turns zombie and starts awkwardly thrashing around her head. “Am I getting this right, Me Maw?”
“Sure, sweetie. Now gimme my teeth. I gotta go the Piggly Wiggly.”
I cannot wait for this movie. My favorite part of the trailer is when Tim McGraw says, “The first time I heard you sing, I thought that must be what angels sound like.” And then Gwyneth says, “I love that story.”
Lady: That ain’t a story. That’s a goddamn observation.